Frustrated parent

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I have a 9yr son with as. J has bad behavior problems at school, he refuses to work in class, cuts things up he's not aloud,sits under tables when he's ment to be doing school work and recently started stealing from school, J is constantly on report or detention ,this is frustrating on it's own but J's compulsive lying is getting me down.

J had told me that 2day was non uniform day at school but because i had no letter from school i did'nt believe him ( J lie's so much), so this morning we set off 4 school in uniform only 2 find everyone else not wearing uniform apparently everyone had got a letter given including J.

Again 2day a present i had bought had gone missing, it turned up outside my daughter's bedroom altho my daughter say's she had nothing 2 do with it. I got everyone on the stairs & asked 4 the truth about who moved it, i said as long as the person responsible owned up ( i hate lyers) the subject would be dropped and that no one would be in trouble as long as i got the truth. J admitted 2 me it was him then went upstairs and told his sister he was fibbing & that it was'nt him ( i over heard J talking), so i got everyone bck on the stairs till the truth came out, after about an hr J finally admitted it was him. I some how calmly told J that Lying wont be tolerated & altho i loved him i struggle with his behavior sometime's.

People on this forum have given me some great tips but i am really frustrated with J's constant lying, i just don't want 2 be near him at the moment, i don't no what 2 do with him

J was diagnosed with as early last yr & has IEP ( altho i think his public school is useless), we r pushing to get J into a different school or as a last resort home school.

It certainly sounds like something is amiss with J!

I don't know what to suggest. Is J seeing a therapist? What does the he or she say about this.

The thing about home schooling that worries me is that it sets YOU up as the taskmaster. That might cause more friction in your home. Course, you may not have many other options.

Is he in a really large class? If it's too noisy or too active in the classroom my son cannot concentrate, and when he couldn't concentrate, he would sit under the table. Sort of like trying to control his environment. Is there a smaller class your son could do his work in that is less stimulating?

Also, does the school have some sort of reward system for good behavior? Our school uses school bucks that the children can earn for good behavior and then spend them on Friday for small toys, etc.

Furthermore, I recommend a three-sided study carol that "everyone" could use, but was specifically put in the classroom for my son. This helps a lot during test time.

With stealing, DS used to steal petty, inexpensive stuff. It was more of an impulse control problem. His doctor suggested that that may be caused by extra stress. The more stressed he was the more he stole. We checked pockets daily, and he had to return everything he stole and apologize. We bought a see through book bag to help prevent hiding stuff. We explained that we were not mad at him, but that stealing was unacceptable. He quit after a few weeks, but we made him use the see through bag until the next school year.

With lying or talking back, we use "sassy" soap in the mouth. DS hates it, but he rarely lies anymore. Talking back is still an issue we are dealing with however.

When it comes to special stuff going on at school he knows he has to bring me a note or he's not doing it, no ifs, ands or buts!

We don't spank in our household, but we do assign extra chores or writing sentences. Also, take away privileges. For positive rewards, he is allowed extra computer time, down loads for his IPod. He also loves spending time with me learning how to play acoustic guitar. Actually, he loves any extra mommy time.

He receives a $10 allowance, but that is dependant on how his week was...he can earn basically $2 per day. Oh, and at least 10% ($1) goes to savings and at least 10% ($1) goes to tithe at church.

And that brings me to Church. This has helped him as well. He didn't want to go at first, but quickly learned to love children's church.

We run a very tight ship, and it's a lot of work (mainly at first). We are firm and consistent. My son was a lot like yours in many respects at the age of 7, but he has matured in a wonderful almost 10 y/o. Of course, we still have our issues, but that is to be expected.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that some of these ideas help.

all i have to say is that you made me cry
what you are going through sounds identical to what we went through last year before we had my son change schools. It was a horrible year ! *hugs tightly*
for my son, one of the most dramatic issues we revealed was that the school, which by the way is stilled billed as a "blue ribbon school" ( a national honor for great schools), had not a f***ing clue what on earth a behavior support plan was !
they kept insisting that my son's behavior was due to "willful misconduct", not to overwhelming anxiety at the situations he was placed in.
if you can get him out of the school, do so. it does not sound like a conducive place for him, nor a supportive place for your family.
i can't say that changing to a new school solved all of the problems~but i can say that he has changed for the better.things are much calmer~ he is even back to telling the truth (most of the time at least).

Does J get any special help at school? Do they structure his day (in advance), and do they communicate the structure to him in ways he can understand? And if they do, how do they deal with unexpected changes? Anything that he hasn't anticipated will probably stress him up and cause more lies and whatever else he does to cope.

For our son, we had to have pictures for everything when he was younger, from what you did at the toilet to his day at school. Now, it is often enough with written lists. A clear structure, however, is a must, or problems will occur.

<rant>
NTs, especially teachers, have an annoying habit to use too many words with too much ambiguity. Many of them seem to think that unexpected changes are good things, and many think that if you include the kids in the decision-making by presenting them with several options at every turn, you make them happier. Some of the teachers won't learn, either. </rant>

J's school is useless because altho J has an IEP he gets 5 1/4 hrs of extra help a wk.Basically another teacher sits with J on a 1 2 1 basis and helps him with his school work.
They don't have a behavior plan in place 4 J & he dos'nt have a therapist, he is not a loud a 3 sided study carol ( there is'nt room in the class).
J is in a class of about 30 kids there r no smaller class'es 4 him & the school only has 1 special ed teacher 4 the school.
If J is bad in class he will either be put on detention ( which he loves), put on report taken out of class ( which is supposed 2 be a punishment) again J love's being taken out of class.
1 wk J had had a bad wk, refusing to work in class, smacking other kids so i got his teacher 2 give me extra work so J could work at on at the weekend ( i thought it may work as a punshment), any way my daughter went 2 grama's 4 tea and i got J to sit at his desk in the corner of our hall only being allowed 2 look at the walls or his work,he had no distraction and completed his work without any fuss or hassles, J worked for about 4 hrs, i was shocked on how well he had worked in fact we had a brilliant wkend with him, he was aloud 2 make his own pizza 4 tea & we went down the beach the following day.
I really wanted a study carol 4 J at school because of the way he had worked but i have no chance of getting 1.
These forums have been my biggest support, we don't get any other help.Every 6 months we go & c J's psychiatrist , we're going next wk infact, i'm going 2 discuss about getting J out of the useless school.
Last time J stole from school the teacher just said thanks 4 bringing it back.

Thanks everyone I hope hav'nt bored you 2 sleep

Is there any way to move J from the school? They seem clueless how to help him. Good luck at the psychiatrist next week. Maybe there will be some help there to get J moved to a better school for him.

If there is no way to move him from this school and they can't afford a study carrel, could you find a cardboard washing machine, refrigerator or stove box, cut a door out of a side and ask them to set it around the front of J's desk at school? I saw a little boy's desk inside a washing machine box and it was a pretty good fit and it greatly reduced visual distractions for him. My husband made a cardboard indoor playhouse from a barbeque grill box for my daughter and I painted it white both inside and outside and she seems to love sitting inside it to play, although she has drawn all over it with markers and covered it with stickers. She calls it "Clifford's dog house", for a big red dog on a children's television show. If J had such good results working on his own at home without distractions, could you ask his teacher for some of the more challenging work and allow him to do it at home where he has fewer distractions?

It certainly sounds like he's getting way too many distractions in class. 30 students is also probably too large for him. It's not surprising he acts the way he does.

I assume you've tried explaining what AS is about to the teachers, principal, etc? Looking at this logically, it's a fact that getting him a full-time assistant at the school's expense would save them money. Unfortunately not many will understand this because they only see the immediate cost.

What about pointing out that the results of the other kids will suffer as well? It'd maybe help if a professional with knowledge on as and autism did this. At my son's former school, the biggest motivation for them to bring on any changes was that the other kids suffered as well...

But basically I agree with others here; moving to another school, preferably with smaller classes and a clearer structure probably helps more.

And I know you know this, and I don't mean to be patronizing, but it's not his fault. And it's not yours either.

I agree with everyone else that a new school that has a good special education system in place would be better for your son. We had to move ds from one elementary to another because the principal and the school psychologist disagreed with our son's dx even though every other teacher in that school agreed with us.

I don't know what the uk has set up, but here in the states, or at least in Texas, if the school cannot provide the services your son requires, they have to send him to a school that does, and if there isn't a school within the district that provides those services, they have to pay for a private institution. I've seen case law on it, and I was seriously considering using this information to put my son in a private school for AS children until I found one in the district that was exactly what we needed.

Also, the threat of bringing a lawyer to a meeting might make them wake up and pay attention of how serious you are about your sons educational plan.

Does J get any special help at school? Do they structure his day (in advance), and do they communicate the structure to him in ways he can understand? And if they do, how do they deal with unexpected changes?

J has his day 2 day lessons put into picture form. The pictures are put onto a velcro strip on J's desk in order of what is 2 happen 4 the day.So as soon as J sits down in the morning he can look at his strip & no what he will be doing for the day.
J also has his own set of trays which r labled , equipment, reading book, work 2 do and work finished. J is the only person in his class 2 have these trays and his own set of equipment, pens, scissors e.t.c which he is responsible 4.
J's desk face's a glass window which has been covered in card so he can'nt see people passing.
The above worked well 4 a few wks, but now J has lost intrest in the trays & his time table.


If J act's unexpectedly J is just taken 2 1 side & asked what the matter is. They have a thing 4 the whole class where the best behaved child in the class 4 that wk gets 2 where a red jumper ( if anyone c's the red jumpers they no the child has been really good), this works 4 my 6yr non as daughter (she is always trying trying 2 get this jumper), they also have a pebble thing where the child can earn pebbles 4 good work, behavior e.t.c, again the child with the most pebbles gets a treat, i.e a new pen or rubber.
J is not intrested in these pebbles or the red jumper.

If J had such good results working on his own at home without distractions, could you ask his teacher for some of the more challenging work and allow him to do it at home where he has fewer distractions?

This is a great idea, i will speak 2 J's teacher later 2day about more challenging wrk 2 do at home ( this makes me think more that home schooling could work).
I have visited the school where i would like j 2 go & it's looks brilliant, the teachers r very knowledgeable, they have these sensory rooms, where the room is darkend and they have lava lamps & colours projected on the walls and gentle music playing. If a child needs quiet time they r free 2 vist this room 4 down time, they also have there own school band which put on dis plays. The way they teach is more hands on rather than stuck behind a desk, the kids get 2 sit on bean bags if that 's what they want.The headmaster told us that if a child is happy & relaxed they r usually more willing to learn & if a child decides to throw a tantrum or gets out of hand the teachers just tell them when yr ready to stop come and talk 2 me rather than shoughting or putting them on detention.The school caters 4 3yrs - 18yr olds with kids being severely autistic to kids less severe. J would absolutely love the school but because it can only take in so many kids , the more severe kids get 1st chance.
I'm hopeing that when i c J's psyciatrist next wk i can convince him that J need's out of his now school.
I have offered to buy j a study carol 4 school but acording 2 teachers there is no space to put one

If your child is in a private school he will not have access to the programing available at a public school. I started my AS child in parochial school, not knowing his diagnosis. It was a disaster. Public school was much better for my son as they are mandated to provide education in the least restrictive setting available for all children. Home schooling puts a big burden on you and you would need a lot of support from your partner. However it might work for your child if you can swing it.

Sounds like school stress and anxiety and so your son is acting out all over the place. You'd maybe be surprised how sensitive Aspies can be to the environment. So the best environment to aim for is an incredibly calm and consistent one with supportive people. It doesn't sound like that's very possible with the school your son is at now.

I'd recommend what everyone else is recommending and ASAP: find a new school. Find some other school that is willing to work with him and keep things as calm and consistent as possible. Otherwise, he's gonna continue acting like this. Teachers naturally use behavior modification techniques and so it might not be absolutely imperative that your son get into a school where they know "all about autism and Aspergers". A good teacher or teachers, a calm environment, and any additional help he needs with his work would probably be sufficient for his improvement.

Just find a school first and foremost that is willing to cooperate and let him approve the transition and allow him to visit the school perhaps in the summer time for a couple visits, so he can get used to the layout of the physical environment.

If you can find another school, I agree with everyone else you should do so. Homeschooling may work, but I think I'd try another school first, before putting that burden in the home.

As for the study carrells, my son has what they call here an "office". Basically it's a three sided cardboard "wall" that sits up around his desk. It takes no more room than the footprint of his desk anyway. It helps him with his sensory issues just feeling like he's off on his own.

While I don't know anything about the educational laws in your country, surely your child is entitled to a solid basic education in as relaxed a setting as is possible that won't cause him more stress than is necessary.

I wish you much luck

Hi
I met with J's psychologist this wk, i told him what has been going on at school, about this forum & basically said that if we can't get J into a different school we r prepared 2 home school J & and take him out of the system. As soon as i said home school i think he panickd and quickly said he will think about the situation, that some thing needs sorting out now that he dos'nt want J 2 be taken out of the system. J has his next IEP review coming up soon & his psychologist want's 2 come 2 it. We're still none much the wiser.

Home schooling would be hard 4 us as a family & would be a last resort, but if at the end of the day if the uk schooling system fails us we will home school J.

Our support is a group of parents & aspi adults who apparently meet up once a month at a pub & talk. I get this support from this forum. I don't have the time 2 go to these meeting's. There is a lady who go's round the local school's offering advise 2 parent's with aspi kids ( she has an aspie child who went away 4 schooling & come's home 4 the holidays), i met the lady once & had already done every thing she had suggested.

2day J decided 2 leave home because he is sick of his school not understanding him & getting into trouble 4 things he has'nt done, he is sick of the bully's. I let j go, pack his bags and walk. I closely followed ( he is only 9), J walked 4 a few miles's with his bags & finally i said let's go home which we did.

J is in a public school, always has been ( hopefully not 4 much longer).

The tray's and the desk in front of the window which i have mentioned earlyier which i was told J was using have not actually been used yet , the teacher's r planning 2 use them in the nr future, i found out about this on Friday.I am fuming.

J is on school holidays at mo & not only at school is J bullied he is bullied on his own front street, also his sister's r bullied because of J & as a family we have started turning family invites down I.e neighbours party's e.t.c because neighbours kid's bully J.

I'ts not J's fault or our's as a family but it's hard 2 keep calm sometimes.

Thanks yet again people 4 yr support, u really help.

Maybe turning down the invitations from the neighbors is not the best idea. Can you try to befriend the neighborhood children who are bullying J and their parents? Explain J's AS to them and ask them for their help. We did this when my daughter started a new school and the kids there have been very kind to her. So far she has not been bullied at all. The kids want to play with her even though she can be rough with them sometimes.

Thanks Aspen
I have considered talking 2 the kids in the street, i doubt they will pay any attention 2 me ( al tho i will try). I get along great with the parent's but our kids don't f & blind or steal or do drugs & this in i'ts self seems 2 be a reason 2 bully.