Very lost step-mom with a 10yr old AS son

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I am a step mom who has a 10yr old AS step-son, a 14 yr old Bipolar step-daughter and then my own 17yr old daughter. This family is being torn apart with my son' anger its is so bad that he want even tell his dad good night or even talk to him It has gotten so bad that he has said he wishes that his dad and sister where died. I don't get this What can I do to help this family I am so much tears because of this I really want to help but I can't take this anymore. I have been hit, kicked, bit that just tonight alone and if his dad tries to help me its a whole heck of worse. He will will try to hurt him alot worse then me. He response better to me and my daughter then his own family. He really goes after his sister he has try to break her arm SO PLEASE HELP ME TO HAVE A SOME WHAT HAPPY FAMILY. I really love this kids and my hubby but I can't take this anymore.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

I think it's very admirable that you're willing to take on that much baggage. Your son is lucky to have a stepmother who cares about him. There are many people on this website who have not been so fortunate. I hope your son realises this.

Learning to accept your mother/father's new spouse is never an easy transition, but that doesn't excuse your son's behaviour. I only wish I could offer more advice.

I wish to he is fine with me and my daughter its just hard because I don't understand how you can be so mean to your own fleshing and blood like that and thank u forthe kind words that helps me I am just looking for some help and wanting a family

Have you looked for professional help? I know, stupid question, but that is what I would do.

If he is angry they have exercises to help deal with anger, it sounds more like he cannot deal with with his anger so he does all that. I don't know much about him but maybe this anger stems out from not getting a whole lot of attention or something that happens at school? If he doesn't have a school therapist ask the school if he can get one so he has someone to talk to about his anger and what is going on with his father and sister, there might be something he is holding onto, atleast I used to do that, but not get violent about it.

If anyone has any better advice now is your time.

Do you know why he is angry?

I would love to offer advice, but I really don't know enough. It is entirely possible that the father and sister deserve whatever anger they are receiving, or it could be the child's misdirected rage from something else. Could you give any more information?

You sound so upset, I'm going to try some quickie thingies that work with me - maybe they'll help a bit? What comes to mind is "sensory overload" which is about how somebody with AS perceives everything is too loud, too bright, too fast etc. The thing is, he thinks it's the same for you, so he doesn't tell you or anybody else.

So the thought is to reduce sensory input to anybody who is reacting too much and see if it helps. This, in addition to other approaches of course.

Room temperature: does person perceive this as comfortable? too pink skin? damp hair?

Picky clothes: remove labels. ask what's picky or otherrwise uncomfortable.

Sleep & rest: Weighted Blanket This is *the* most valuable thing I've ever tried. I can be almost hysterical and if I pull the weighted blanket over me, I feel *instant* release and immediate calm. They say it has something to do with the long muscles. Whatever. It works.

More sleep & rest - waterbed.

Safe place - if child is young, kid-size blue puptent within family space - the idea is to allow the child to control his own atmosphere, not to cut him off.

I don' think there is enough information here to give advice.

Have you asked him, when he is not acting up, why he s so angry with his dad and sister. It is interesting that he responds better to you and your daughter. Who do you think has the most rapport with him? Your daughter? Is she a good mentor? Maybe he can confide in her, if she presents herself as a peer/buddy rather than a parenting role.

As the others have noted, more information would be good.

A couple of things could be happening:

a) Things could be going horribly in his life outside of the family, and the ones he loves are the only ones he feels safe enough to let the anger out on. Not that he wants to hurt them, but that the anger has to go somewhere, and these are the people who will still love him no matter what he does. It is an unconscious thing; not something he does on purpose.

b) He could have real anger towards his family members, in that he wanted to feel safe and trusting with them, but they have never understood him or, in his eyes, treated him fairly. That on top of the life outside his family being difficult.

Which are almost completely opposite possibilities.

You have to understand that living life with AS can be hard. The world is confusing and exhausting and, to the eyes of many with AS, completely unfair and hypocritical. All that takes a toll, and anger does build. The family unit hopefully is the safe place for the child, where caring people teach him to navigate the world, and understand him in a way no one else does. But many families are not doing that, usually because of a lack of knowledge about what is going on with the child, sometimes because of their own dysfunction, and sometimes because there is illness in the child co-morbid to the AS that makes it all much more difficult.

A good thrid party professional, one who understands AS and one whom the child will trust, may be able to sort through to the core of the anger. Until it is known where the anger comes from, it will be hard to difuse it.

Wow, everyone puts it in writing so good.

Anger is such a tough one to deal with in a youngster. And so hard to really know where it is coming from, if they even really know.

My son spent an entire year angry with me after moving him from Texas to Oregon. We had to, I had retired from the military, wanted to finally live by family. But he didn't understand. He only saw that I was moving him away from his friends and dad (we were divorced). I tried to explain to him that his friends were moving one by one as the families were getting transfered with the military but very hard to see at 8 years old.

We did a lot of "couch time" that year. After he would have a meltdown over something and had calmed back down, it was "couch time" to talk about it. Sometimes we would sit there for a long time before he would start to talk. All noise in the house was turned off so there were no distractions. I wanted him to know I was there just for him. He had my attention. I would bring up the meltdown, ask him what he thought caused it, give him time to answer, and believe me, it sometimes took awhile for him to answer. Then we would try to brainstorm a more appropriate way to react to that problem if it arises again. He hates talking but never said no to couch time. I think he felt it was a good thing. If he had a meltdown out in public, I would just look at him and say "couch time when we get home", and sure enough, even if I forgot about it, he would head straight to the couch when we got home. That really surprised me everytime.

Now that I've remarried, we have our quiet talks in his bedroom because he doesn't want an audience of his stepdad. Since he was about 11 years old, the meltdowns have reduced to about 1-2 a year. They are so seldom now that I almost forget how to react to them when he has one. I think it is because I really gear his life so that he doesn't have much stress once he is home from school. School can be so bad. Middle school was the worst. It got so bad that I had to homeschool him for 7th Grade.

I wish you much luck. You may have to take him to see a professional. If he won't open up to you, maybe, maybe, if he feels safe enough, he will open up to someone.

I know exactly how you feel and there are 3 things that WILL help. Patience, a sense of humor, and critical thinking. My 8yo acts the same way during his meltdowns and says some of the same things. I have learned that all of his meltdowns are caused by frustration, not anger. It looks just like anger to us NT's, but just know that it usually is not. Example: my 8yo son with Aspergers frequently yells at his 3yo sister. As soon as she walks into their older brothers room (where he usually hangs out) he is screaming at her to get out, or don't touch that, give it back, etc. If you ask him why he says something like she makes a mess (he has no problems with messes) or she is touching stuff (non of it is his stuff). Just like a lot of people with Aspergers he has always been sensitive to loud noises, some causing physical pain and frequently covers his ears and gets frustrated (angry) when he is around them. We bring ear plugs with us when we go to public places and this helps. I noticed a lot of times my daughter is talking, just talking, he covers his ears. Especially when she is doing her "squealing". After "experimenting" a little I figured out that once she came in the room, he went into self preservation mode. To prevent the pain and frustration that she sometimes involuntarily causes him, he tried to get her away ASAP. Since we figured this out we have been able to work with my daughter and him to ease those moments and for the most part the screaming has stopped.

If your stepson gets frustrated (angry) the worst thing to do is react in anger. That is where the patience comes in. Instead, try to make him smile (sense of humor) or laugh. Like today my son was frustrated at a game he was playing and I called him into the living room. He stood in front of me breathing heavy and had his "look" on him. I told him to take a deep breath and he wouldn't. I told him that I like to take deep breaths but with my sinus infection, only one nostril works and sometimes a booger gets stuck in the good side and it whistles *insert whistling sound here* and it sounds funny. Now he is 8 so this was funny to him and he started smiling. If you can get that first sign of a smile you can roll with it and completely break the frustration. Then the last and sometimes hardest thing to do is the critical thinking. It is hard for children with Aspergers to express why they feel the way they do. It is up to you to figure out what causes the frustrations (remember it's not anger) and come up with a coping mechanism to help him.

These are just some things I have learned and everyone with Aspergers is unique in there own way. I hope this helps.

Good one Aspies Dad. Frustrations is usually it! Thank you for bringing that into the conversation.

Hi, I am not too sure if I can offer any other advice other than what was said, but I would have to agree that I believe it is frustration on your step-son's part and being able to find ways to communicate with him in "his world" is key. I can really understand what you are going through and your frustrations. Like you, I have a 5 year old with AS and a 16 year old who is Bi-Polar. My son (AS) used to have major meltdowns as well. He would kick me, throw things at me, say mean nasty words, like he wishes people died and so forth. It is extremely hard as a parent to watch your children react like this and not let it affect you. I do understand that finding out why he is having the meltdown is key, but it is very hard to maintain your control and not take things personally when the meltdowns occur. As one poster suggested, making a secure area for your son to go to when he is in meltdown mode may help. Let him try and relax on his own and then once relaxed, see if he is able to communicate his feelings.

Believe me, I feel your pain and frustration. I have been there and done that....and sometimes it seems like there is nothing else you can do. Just don't give up and make sure you are seeking support for yourself as well as for him. Take care and let me know if you need someone to talk to!

Someone else beat me to it...but I wanted to ask anyway, "Why is he so angry?"--I think the first step would be figuring out what is making him so angry. He may need someone to talk to. I'm reading a great AS book right now that's helped me understand my own daughter's angry outbursts (she gets angry sometimes over what seems to me like nothing): the Complete Guide to Asperger's syndrome by Tony Atwood. Also, look into the daughter's bipolar diagnosis. My friend who's a child psychologist who specialises in testing young children has also mentioned this. One thing my friend, the book and an NPR article I recently listened to talk about how people are often misdiagnosed with Bipolar disorder because of their problems controlling emotion. This is actually an (emotional) affect disorder (which is a problem my daughter has...she cries easily, she gets angry easily...etc...but if you look closely at her over a period of time, you notice that she pretty much maintains the same state except for these outbursts). Affect disorder is caused by the brain's inability to regulate emotion...meaning a response to stimulus may be way over the top...or what we would consider 'the wrong response' to stimulus (crying when laughter would be appropriate) . It is characterized by rages that come up fast (and sometimes over nothing), and then go disapear just as quickly. My daughter has trouble understanding why she has often lost friends because of her outbursts...her brain doesn't hold onto the moment...it just keeps moving forward, but her friend's keep remembering the outbursts....and how frightening/alienating it was. I've had to explain this to her on more than one occasion.

Bipolar disorder is a pretty rare disorder that's been a popular diagnosis recently. It's symptoms are longer periods of highs and lows. During highs you'll notice an inability to sleep and a sort of frenzy--and sometimes hallucinations, dillusions of grandure...during lows a lot of sleep and lethargy. I just wanted to mention this because if you have an AS stepson, it's possible that the daughter actually has some form of this problem....rather than being 'bipolar'....but I don't know. Just worth looking into for best treatment purposes.

What I've learned over living with someone who has outbursts...DO NOT try to talk when they are mad. Madison can respond very well and generally take a lesson when it's over...sometimes several hours later, and the angriness is out of her. Then I can sit with her and talk (I have found that sitting next to her not looking at her directly, but sitting a little close works well). She will listen and may come up with some strategies of her own. Do not get emotional--I can't stress this enough. Madison is really sometimes overwhelmed by her own madness. If she can get a second person involved....it's less scary, but it also lasts longer and can be more dangerous (violent). I don't mean just on her part. I've snapped and smacked her before when she was having a tantrum (and regretted it). the best result I had was puting on headphones when she was yelling and listening to some good music. You know...the mp3 player trick. She didn't have anyone to involve in her upset and she had to move on. When she couldn't involve me in her upset, she tried to involve me in her project, and was very polite after. That really worked great.

Be aware that his anger isn't about you. Sometimes i have to remind myself, but that really has been the best lesson. It isn't about me. She's not mad at me, or because I suck or because she doesn't like me or something (also accept not being liked sometimes....all teens are infamous for this). She's just mad. Sometimes she's mad at me...but it's usually because I've set a limit that's 'good for her' but she doesn't like it.

In every way possible...go away from the rage. whether it's getting outside, going into another room....try and do this whenever possible. DH to. When the rage is over is the time to have a figuring out conversation. Talk to him when he's not mad about what is so upsetting.

Good luck...it's a hard job, what you've taken on.

You also need to accept that because Autistic people are forced to live in a world where most people do not understand them, and where they have more difficulty understanding others, they are going to encounter moments of frustration just about every single day. As Aspie Dad so clearly put it - it's not anger, it's frustration. Sometimes you need to just let that go - don't call him on every single 'rude' thing he says - because you will only make the situation worse. Try to make his home environment a safe, calm, predictable place. Do you have a routine at home? Routines make AS kids feel more secure, happier, less frustrated.

I also wanted to say that, as a step-parent to an INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING neurotypical 16 year old - it is not appropriate, in my opinion, to think of our step-children as "baggage", as one response indicated. I know this is a common way of referring to kids in blended families, but I think it's wrong. No child, anywhere, anytime, should be viewed as "baggage". When you agree to form a partnership with a person who already has children, you agree to form a partnership that includes those children. I also don't think we should expect this 10 year old to be grateful that his dad found a woman willing to take him on as 'baggage'. Every child deserves a supportive family, and shouldn't have to be 'grateful' for it. As step-parents, I think we need to avoid falling into a self-gratifying 'martyrdom' philosophy, especially since it can colour how we treat our kids.

I took the message of baggage as: "Has" baggage, not "is" baggage. Maybe that is what the poster meant. We all go into new relationships of any kind with "baggage" from previous experiences in life.