Parent with young-adult child with AS. I need to learn more

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I have a young-adult child with AS. She was unofficially diagnosed when she was a sophmore or junior in high school, but we were never really sure if that was the right diagnosis after so many wrong ones along the way. Now, we are positive and she recently went to a psychologist and was officially diagnosed.

I am trying to learn more. I have to learn more about AS. I love her so much and realize now that we made so many mistakes in raising her, but we can't turn back and can only move forward. I don't want to continue to make the same mistakes. She has fallen in love and her boyfriend is so patient with her and can just sense when she is being overwhelmed or having trouble understanding/communicating. Why can't I do the same thing. How can I have raised her and loved her for so long without learning what triggers her anxiety or how to communicate effectively with her? I feel so inept as a parent these days.

If anyone has had similar feelings or knows where I can find more information, I would really appreciate it. I have recently ordered a couple of books and I am trying to read more things on the internet, but more info is so appreciated.

I'm 19 and was told by the mother of an Aspie my teacher that I'm an Aspie.

Erm, I really don't know what to say, but I think you should ask your daughter. I would love it if my parents did that and yet they don't.

At the moment I am sort of with someone, and yes, he is more patient and understanding than my parents. They think he's a nice guy so it's not a big deal.

I agree, asking helps. Although, it is difficult to explain about these things and can be hard to talk about, so don't be discoraged if she can't answer straight away. Patience really helps and giving her space to answer, be it hours, days or weeks. When she feels ok to answer, she'll probably answer.

Accept her, as she is. Don't try to change her. That will only upset her. Apologize about all the mistakes, that you've made, if she has flashbacks.

You did you best as a parent. Dont get down on yourself. I know you
did by reading your post. And the fact that you want to learn more
to accept your daughter. I cant post links yet because I am new here
also, but I can suggest some places you can search for yourself.

Anything by Temple Grandin. Also she had a wonderful speech
on Ted dot org , "The world needs all kinds of minds" . They also did
a HBO special on her recently. It was a really great movie.

Face book and "Linkedin", both have great support groups and you
can interact with other parents that just want to understand.

And this place. Talking to people that actually have the condition, is
the best learning tool.

And like another poster said, be patient and talk to your daughter.

And if you wish you can PM me. I also run a website/blog that deals
with using Technology to help Autistic people. I have a lot of links on
it that might help you in your search. Though alot of my links are
helping young children. But there is still others that might direct
you to people that have the answers for you..

The best thing you can do for you child is to accept them for who they are.
The only place I will warn you to stay away from is Autism speaks. While they
have done some good, their focus is in the wrong direction. They focus to much
on the bad and fail to see the beauty that a lot of autistic people have in them. Until
they allow autistic people to actually speak, not a group I will every support, until autistic
people actually do the speaking.

Sorry for the weird spelling on some of the sites. I am new here and cant yet post links.

Thank you

Sock

I have a 13 year old, and he was diagnosed since age 5, and I still feel like I've made MUCHO mistakes in raising him. I think we always feel that way -- with kids on the spectrum or NT kids. You probably did just fine with your daughter.

Socially she must be doing fairly well, if she has a boyfriend. That's a pretty good sign right there that things are going alright.

You are absolutely right that you can't worry about what's gone on in the past, that you just need to go forward. You may want to see if you can find a support group in your area, for you and for your daughter. Although support groups aren't ALWAYS helpful, you can get a lot of info about therapists, good schools, accomodations, college, etc. from seeing other people in the same boat.

I know exactly what you're going through. My daughter is nearly 16 and has only just been diagnosed. The guilt I feel about not doing the right thing over the years is crippling. But then I remind myself that I did do the right thing, even if that was wrong. By that I mean, I kept on going and trying with her and trying, unsucessfully, to get proper help and I did the very best I could for her bearing in mind my hands were tied behind my back because I didn't know what I was dealing with. The fact that your daughter is at college, has a relationship and has finally been diagnosed correctly is a testament to your good parenting. Don't beat yourself, pat yourself on the back.

As from now, the most useful thing I learnt was not to assume anything, especially that she understands. My relationship with my daughter felt more like a war than a relationship. This was because when she felt lost, overwhealmed, confused and/or scare she couldn't express it so would kind of shut down and become very cold and then defend herself with extreme verbal aggression. It is very hard, but I have to try and stay calm in the fact of the onslaught so that eventually I can get to what is behind it. Often it can take hours of her ranting about this, that and everything else before the real problem comes up and the real emotions start to show.

For example, she has one teacher who she absolutely hates. Any day when she has lessons with this teacher will be a complete nightmare for me. She'll argue and fight over everything. The teacher wasn't much better. I felt like banging their heads together. The teacher was fed up with my daughter being late for lessons and then being rude and disruptive when she got there. The teacher had told her again and again that she had to be on time and it made no difference, she was always late.

It took 3 months to get to the source of the problem with my daughter. She couldn't understand the teachers anger and was therefore defending herself. You see, she wasn't late. In the very first lesson with the teacher, the teacher made a massive issue about them making sure they were always on time, she had no tolerance of tardiness. My daughter took this to heart and made sure she was always on time. The lesson started at 10.00am she arrived in the classroom at 10.00am precisely. Just as instructed. She never got the fact that "on time" actually means "before time" and therefore was completely lost with the teachers anger. No other teacher made a point of telling her to be on time and so the problem never came up with any of the others.

All that hurt and upset and all it took to take it away was for someone to say to her, "if someone tells you to be on time, it means get there a few minutes before so that you are there and waiting on the specified time".

The hardest part is reconciling the fact that your daughter is probably extremely intelligent and yet cannot just get simple things like this. I used to wonder how my daughter, officially gifted, could at the same time appear to be completely stupid. I used to think she did it on purpose but now I know that she just can't connect all the dots.

Hear! Hear! One of the best ways to learn what AS is and how it feels from the inside is to simply read forum discussions here. You'll get a lot of different perspectives - some seemingly diametrically opposed (often a product of language variance), sometimes almost total agreement on how something feels and presents in a particular moment, but described in a dozen different ways that all say basically the same thing. Plus, you'll have a chance to see the same symptoms, behaviors and sensory phenomena described by Aspergians from the varying perspectives of widely different ages.

It might not be as neatly cut-and-dried as a Temple Grandin book, but it's a raw window into how Aspies think and experience the world on a daily basis.

Welcome to our fishbowl!



Don't beat yourself up. Other than Ted Danson ridiculing the name on Becker, I'd never heard the term Asperger Syndrome until the age of 45 and wasn't diagnosed until four years after that. I think my folks are thrilled and relieved to know my odd personality and behavior wasn't bad parenting on their part after all. It's not like we have misshapen heads or something like that to make our condition obvious. Even at my age I have a hard time describing my emotional and sensory issues to neurotypical people who've never experienced them (and I'm fairly articulate) - of course its not like many actually give a damn. That's the hardest part of dealing with this disorder IMO - because it's invisible to anyone but the very observant, most refuse to accept that it even exists.

Sometimes I think the problem is the whole world trying to help us raise our kids. But our kids aren't their kids. When it was just us and our babies, didn't we manage to figure them out? Until people started telling us that we HAD to do this, and we HAD to do that, or problem X was sure to result. Before you know it, you are no longer trying to build a connection uniquely between you and your child, but doing your best to navigate the expectations from a hundred different sources, because the failure to do so will surely result in some unforeseen negative that could have been prevented.

Now you know one thing you didn't know before, and it will make a huge difference: your child was not and is not like the ones all those outside sources raised or know about. So you get to shrug off all those influences and expectations and start from scratch. She is your guide. She is the one you listen to. And, when she can not or will not tell you, listen to others who are like her. It's a new start. Embrace it.

Don't tell her that her obsessions are unhealthy, or else she will end up thinking that she's crazy, in the head.

If I was in your position I would research anything you can find on the web that is related to Peter Gerhardt, he has worked with a few people on the spectrum and can put our ways in better terms.

You are nowhere near an inept or a bad parent. A bad parent wouldn't care about the things that you do.

Not knowing how to help is only a bad thing when you don't try to learn. But you're here asking questions and hearing advice, and that makes all the difference.

i am a young mother 33yrs old with a 15year old son who is 6'2' 295lbs.. i was just told he has aspergers. I was and still am overwhelmed with this diagnosos. until now i never heard of it. I knew he was different but grew to except him for the things he do and don't do.. to have a diagnosis put me in a depression i'm slowley coming out of.....Im also African American im sure it doesnt matter but "I" feel alone.... but the more i research i'm finding the emotions that i am experiencing is normal