Really confused...

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Here it is: I'm biracial and my son like me is very dark-skinned with a thick mop of soft, curly hair. He's befriended an adopted boy from Cambodia who is in his class. This boy turned out to be on the spectrum as well. They "really" like each other. But his parents won't let this boy associate with my son because he is "one of them people" and came from a special ed class previously. Evidently, the adopted boy was "always" mainstreamed according to his mother. Now, get this, the parents are white. How can someone be so prejudiced and still adopt a child from another race. I'm boggled. Her boy obviously needs some sort of help because he stands out in an aspie way. The trained eye can tell right away. NT's say he's a bit different but they don't know what it is.
Plus, what does it matter that my son was in SPE when her son is "obviously" affected. My son came home distraught claiming that this boy isn't "allowed" to talk to him. A white friend of mine mentioned that some white people will accept Asians before people of color. But when this boy grows up, he will look in the mirror and still see an asian man. I would think that this would be horribly confusing for someone on the spectrum even moreso than a neurotypical kid because we tend to be rather logical people. This kid is rather dark too. I thought he might have been polynesian at first glance. Any insight, anyone? I'm starting to think that the parents might be a bit sick. A long time ago when I used to be in therapy, I used to go off topic and talk about other things with the therapist (so, I was paying him for help and also an education in psychology). He told me that some people do good deeds but have egotistical and unrealistic motives behind them. He told me of a white couple who adopted a black child from the most poorist of African nations. They raised him in the white culture, white friends, even with some prejucial white attitudes. By the time the child was 17, he started to have some deep psychological problems. He didn't know where he belonged because they told him they loved him but avoided those that looked like him. He felt as though he was "nothing" if he wasn't riding on their coat tails. He was an aspie. He ended up killing his girlfriend and then killing himself. His parents wouldn't accept her because she was ... black. I almost fell through the floor! The psychiatrist said it was a form of psychological slavery. He claimed that he saw tons of this within adopted families. So, what appeares to be selfless, kind acts actually have unrealistic and dangerous sides to them. This other woman adopted twin chinese girls who she refered to as her cute china dollies. Kids are not dollies. They're complex human beings who will NOT live with you forever. Those china dollies eventually broke too. Life is HARD.

Is there a way that your child and their child can socialise without them knowing? Perhaps at a mutual friend?

I have no solutions though. It's a nasty situation that that kid is in but it would be very hard to prove it. Please don't take responsibility for this, there is little you can do and you may hurt yourself. If you can see something that can help, do, just be careful and consider things before doing the thing/s that may help.

Its the only way, i mean they are actively discriminating your son! Most people will beg down cause in western culture intolerance is not tolerated anymore. I think many people aint as bigot as they were raised simply out of social pressure...

so there is nothing new there, some people have wrong beliefs. the problem is that their belief affects the child. social services probably can not do anything since the child is not directly hurt. childs only chance is to build internal resistance and resilience so he can see ,eventually when he grows up, where his parents were wrong.
i don't think parents can monitor him in school so probably he can exchange some thoughts here and there with your son without parents knowing it.

Thanks for your reply but actually I didn't have to prove anything because the adopted boy "told" on his parents. He told the teacher that he would play with my son no matter if his mom and dad called his new, best friend a n****r or not. Also, what did you mean when you said I could hurt myself? How can I possibly be more hurt than I have for the last 5 years while my child endures schooling? Never believe that there is nothing that you can do to protect your own child.

There's still bigotry whether it's behind your back or when they think you're standing far enough away not to hear. Voices travel. The one thing I'll never understand is how can you be a white bigot but adopt a dark kid from Cambodia, raise him white, and yet still discriminate against other Americans of color? I find it a bit sick. Look at it this way: Fantasy: an innercity, working-class, hip-hop cultured, african-american couple adopt a blond-haired, blue-eyed Norwegian baby girl, raise her to be "gangsta black", and teach her to hate Irish-Americans? Do you see how crazy this is? Worst of all, if this baby girl turns out to have ASD, then teach her to act like she's better than anyone in an autistic support classroom even though that's where she needs to be. Even sicker.

Last edited by RightGalaxy on 08 Apr 2010, 12:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

this makes me happy. world is improving and a kid can think for himself. nothing better, if he can make such difficult decisions at such a young age, he is gonna be okay.
another child making it through despite it all. yippie.

I was about to say lets not jump to conclusions, that may be the parents are more concerned about the child falling back on quirky behaviors than anything else (a wrong assumption, but one we can work with), and then I read your quote of what the child said to the teacher ... is that really what he said? The parents called your son the n word in front of their child?

Wow.

Perhaps they have just done what they thought was the "cool" thing, since some well known celebreties have also adopted from Cambodia. Or maybe they never really fully understood themselves. I find that hard to consider.

My first reaction with these situations is to assume there has been a misunderstanding, and that a sweet little invitation to one of the parents, perhaps for coffee, will create an opportunity to either soothe bridges or learn what you are up against. Reading further in the thread, I realized that might not work. But thinking about it some more ... it is still what I would do. Force the mom either to avoid you or find some way to tell you to your face what she thinks. Keep up the sweet innocent act and see how she plays her cards. After all, parents with children in the same class often make a point of getting to know each other. It is the friendly thing to do, and helps the school. So use that guise, and see what happens. Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst. If saving face is important to her, that level of direct contact may just force her to do the right thing.

I am really sorry you have to deal with that. I guess I know it still exits, but I live fairly well insulated from it, and it makes me really sad to hear about it.

When I was saying about being hurt, I wasn't talking about your child. I was talking about a possible desire to help their child. Of course with your own child to do all you can to help protect him. I was thinking and speaking about what you said about psychological slavery, about the two girls and the boy. When I was saying about you possibly getting hurt, I was talking about the possible intention to help your childs friend.

I'm sorry if what I said was wrong, also I'm sorry if I misunderstood what you wrote, I'm also sorry if you misunderstood what I meant.

I appreciated your replies. I truly do. The reason why I ask questions is directly due to my asperger's. I always need more explanation because I indeed do misconstrue. Please, I know you're being polite but you need not apologize. You really can't say anything wrong, you're just giving your opinion. Truth can never be considered wrong.

RightGalaxy,

I'm white, and always viewed the asian deal as a MILITARY thing! FEW whites outside of the military go with asians so readily, but it seems MANY miltary people do, EVEN black ones! Heck, I have at least one uncle, and 2 friends, among others that married asian women. ONE even married a jerky domineering woman that used to be his boss. He went from hating, to loving. Between the two events, he joined the navy. I had an uncle that went to the navy, and married a japanese woman that basically forced him to buy japanese and live like a japanese person in the US! Another friend was a marine, and married a japanese woman. They divorced, but still love one another, and he had a son by her.

Maybe they don't know what is wrong with your son, or are afraid of an influence.

Steve

If you get the opportunity (a school function where the parents are invited) - talk to the parents.

Sometimes kids misinterpret what their parents (or other people) say or they take it the wrong way - then pass it along. Both of my kids have done that - both passing along something I said - but totally messed up. My son used to take his matchbox cars to school to play with at recess with the other kids. He kept coming home with other kids' cars and then whining about not having some of his. I told him to make sure to give back the cars he had and to quit taking his cars to school. He went back and told everyone I said he wasn't allowed to play with those kids anymore... Totally faaaarrrr from what I'd said. His teacher calls me because a couple of the other kids are upset - and she tells me what Ty said... I told her what I REALLY said and why - she straightened it out for the boys... Same thing has happened when another kid has said something like that to mine. Ty was taking those little Transformers to school and giving them to a friend. The friend came to school and told TY his Dad said he couldn't talk to Ty anymore. Not true. Turns out they don't allow toys like that in their home. All the Dad told his son was that he had to stop bringing Ty's toys home with him.

These are kids - uncomplicated things can get complicated. Best bet is to talk to the parents. Another thing is - some parents (like me) don't let their kids go to someone's house until I've met their parents. Probably a little overprotective - but I'm just that way. Once they meet you they'll probably relax. They have an adopted 'special needs' child... An adopted child (especially if they have no biological children) and a special needs child at that... I'd be a real mother hen too.

Okay, let me first explain about the racism. Back in the 1950s and 1960s, yes, prejudiced whites pretty much viewed all nonwhites as inferior. I got to see this first hand in the form of attitudes some of my father's family had toward my mother. However, since then, Asians have demonstrated that given the opportunity, they can do very well in school, to the point that on average they now do better than whites. As a result, there's a new generation of prejudiced whites who no longer view Asians as inferior, but still view other races as inferior. (And lest you think this has made things easier for Asians, there's also a downside, because it means affirmative action programs that now exist discriminate against Asian kids for University admissions, rather than in favor of them.)

Very likely this couple tried to have their own kid and found they were infertile - often the case for parents wanting to adopt - and then found out about the lack of availability of white kids for adoption. They still very much wanted a child, so they adopted an Asian kid. Possibly they even picked an Asian kid as their first choice. However, they might still be prejudiced against kids from other races.

Knowing what's going on may not help you deal with it, but at least it should be understandable now. And of course, I may be off base and the situation with this couple may be completely different from what I'm describing.

However:

I would caution against making one of the same mistakes here that the other parents are making - of assuming you know more about their kid than they do, just as they're assuming they know more about your kid than you do. Being aspie is being a bit different - but it doesn't mean that the kid necessarily needs any special help. Some aspies manage, for whatever reasons, to make their own way through neurotypical society without special programs. And sometimes special programs do damage rather than helping. Your kid may have benefited from special ed; their kid may have done fine without it.

I think you'll increase the chances that the two kids can have a good relationship if you refrain from assuming that what's good for your kid is necessarily going to be what's best for the other kid, too. Aspies are still individuals, with individual needs, and the other kid's parents are still his parents, who love him just as you love your kid.

Thanks for all your replies. I shall take what I need and leave the rest. Interestingly, my son gets a birthday invitation by mail from this boy's mother. Where do you think the B'day party is being held? At the CRACKER Barrel Restaurant. We called to say we won't be attending after we "n****rs" laughed for about a half an hour. They can be school friends but we are NOT getting involved with people like that outside of school. Besides, we moving to the west coast anyway in July. My uncle died and left me his home but I have to go to San Francisco to live in it. Way better than what we have now. I just hope we don't have a earthquake because that area is very prone to it. I wonder if he may have been an aspie. I knew he was gay but once about a million years ago, I mentioned in passing that I always wanted a big, Victorian-style house. All he said was, "Watch what you wish for kiddo!" Afterwards, he moved out west and cut off all ties with the family because no one would accept his lifestyle. I kept in touch by letter but he seldom answered any of them. So, I just stuck to sending him Christmas cards. They didn't require a response. I loved him. He had so much depth. Well, that's what he left me! A big, beautiful, refurbished, Victorian home. He never looked you in the eye and sometimes one would think he wasn't listening to you. BUT he remembered what I wished for after more than 25 years and he made it come true. His significant other of many years honored his request about giving me the house. Technically, he didn't have to because there was no written will. But one good thing, he left his lover well-off too. He just has to move to another house. That's the only inconvenience. But he's willing to do this.

I see you've taught your son the slang word "cracker". Was that a wise thing to do?

Amen.

You do realize that we - even when we do it unintentionally - teach our children our own prejudices and fears through our own actions and by what we say. I am not black, but I find your use of the word 'n****r' very crude. I know you're black and somehow you believe it gives you the right to use such a word - but it's demeaning, nasty and ugly. I know the context you're using it in - like that's how other non-blacks see you (in your mind), but you may be saddling people with those thoughts who don't even feel/think that way. The use of the word 'cracker' - do you honestly believe these people would have a Birthday Party for their son and use it as an opportunity to take a swipe at your color? Really? I had no idea that going to some restaraunts were some sort of Klan initiation. Referring to whites as if they are racist and equating a place to eat as some sort of racial slur is teaching your child racism.

My son has a little buddy at school that is one of his best friends... Abe this, Abe that... this went on last year for the first trimester. I had no idea that Abe was black until I took a treat into school and met Abe. He's a cool litle kid. I knew everything about Abe except for his color and it never occurred to me that he was anything other than a cool little buddy of my son's. The color difference never meant enough for my child to even bring it up. It doesn't matter. Thing is - kids are not prejudiced on their own. It's something they learn. You can take away the experiences you had as a child or as an adult that fuels your feelings about race - knowing how hurtful it was for you based upon your posts - I'd think you'd do whatever it takes NOT to put that on your son and keep perpetuating that terrible cycle.

JMHO.