my friend hates my kid :-(

Post Reply New Topic

Some friends host a weekly potluck we've been going to for years. It's bumming me out how impatient the hostess is with my son -- he obviously really gets on her nerves. Goodness knows he gets on my nerves sometimes, too, but most people can be patient with him for the short duration of time we socialize. She's never said we're not welcome but I feel unwelcome when she yells at him or is so obviously just barely restraining from yelling at him. But since it's usually because he's breaking the house rules or playing too roughly with her kids, I don't really feel like I can object.

I wouldn't mind her correcting his behavior, I corrected her son when he was throwing a ball at mine. I just hate the feeling that she really can't stand him.

Perhaps you can bring something with you next time to preoccupy him more, or depending on his level of functioning, it might be appropriate to remind him to be good before hand discipline him if he's not. Those on the upper end of the spectrum are not exempt from discipline.

Perhaps you can bring something with you next time to preoccupy him more, or depending on his level of functioning, it might be appropriate to remind him to be good before hand discipline him if he's not. Those on the upper end of the spectrum are not exempt from discipline.

We don't exempt him. I do remind him of how to behave and correct him when he doesn't behave well. He's still learning manners and he has impulse control problems, but he's getting better all the time. And no one else seems to find him unbearable.

Why not get a babysitter for a few hours? You guys probably need time to yourself anyway.

Or you could bring up the subject with your friend. You don't have to say "why do you hate my son??" (she'll immediately deny it and get angry) but perhaps you could mention that you know your son is a handful and is there anything she'd like you to do to keep him out of her hair?

Just a thought, do any other parents bring their kids to the potluck dinner? perhaps it's supposed to be adult-only?

There are some friends of mine that I simply won't let my kids be around anymore. It's not that they would hurt the boys but they are simply rude to them. I don't mind when people politely correct my children or show a bit of irritation, but this couple clearly can't stand them. I figure I can find myself a better class of friend. I'll go to parties if they attend, but not if the party is at their house (which it often is). We have a lot of mutual friends so it's not like they are going to disappear.

If possible, I would suggest trying to be the person who is correcting your own child when he is breaking her house rules or playing too roughly with her kids. If you beat her to it, she won't have a reason to correct your child, and her impatience with him might ease.

You could, perhaps, say something like:

"We are really working hard at teaching (son) better manners. If you happen to notice him doing (behavior that seems to annoy her the most), could you please (how you would like her to handle it). We are working hard at this, and the extra help with uniform enforcement would be appreciated."

This acknowldeges that you know your son has some issues, but doesn't spotlight to your friend that she is being rude. It also allows you to have the situation controlled in a manner you would like without you having to be bossy. It may also lessen your friends annoyance if she knows that you are aware of the issue and are actively working on it.

Good luck

Brilliant!! I'm going to remember that one!

Being a hostess is hard work. She may be being short with him simply because she's short on time - and of course keeping him from breaking the rules there isn't something she plans for when she sets up the party.

You could help by keeping a closer watch on your son, and preventing him from doing things he shouldn't, before the hostess has to step in. Of course, that might mean the potluck wouldn't be as much fun for you, since you'd be spending more of your time on child care.

She may just be an impatient person. If she really couldn't stand your child, she wouldn't bother to correct him herself; she'd be running up to you and insisting that you take care of it, or not inviting him at all. One has to be pretty comfortable with someone to actually be willing to correct them. So ... I suspect she knows it is more her than him, and is doing her best. She might be like that with her own kids when you aren't around, you know.

If you do want to take control of the situation, I thought PenguinMom's suggestion was brilliant.

DW, you are exactly right. She *is* like that with her own kids, even when other people are around.

The main reason we don't get a sitter is because he really loves to go and would be devastated if we went without him. And I do my best to keep track of his behavior, but when kids are running all around a three story house together, it's impossible to catch everything. Not to mention, she's always making up new rules.

I think we may just have to stop going. My son was calling himself a jerk all the way home and still more today. I can't necessarily blame all that on my friend, because I got impatient with him too. It's hard when you see your child behaving very unpleasantly in public.

It makes me sad that hardly anyone ever gets to see his best side except us, and the people who work with him at school.

Maybe you can explain to your friend that your son has challenges. Keep bringing him to the potlucks, and don't lock him away with a babysitter, because the dinner is a part of his weekly schedual. Your son would start to get suspicious, if he suddenly finds that he can't come to the dinners, anymore and that would make him feel very sad, inside. I remember how it feels, not to be wanted, or invited at a very tender age, and it hurts.

If it is hurting his self-esteem then don't bring him. If you decide not to bring him it shouldn't be because you worry about his behavior, but because you realize the experience is frustrating for him. Our kids have to spend enough of their days in frustrating situations as it is; the more we can avoid the unnecessary ones, the better. For them.

I see two major problems: kids running around a three story house and rule changing.

I have an Aspie and an ADHD - OMG! Put them together with a couple of other kids and they used to go nuts! Getting them to settle down and follow the rules was like herding squirrels that ate a bushel of coffee beans - Turkish coffee beans! Having people over could get overwhelming for me. We made rules for such occasions: You can play in the family room (everything kid friendly is already there) - they could help prepare for company by choosing a couple of toys or games from their rooms and bringing it down to the family room before their little guests arrived. No running through the house, no going to the bedrooms, no rough housing. We let them know that they were 'in charge' of their guests - so they had to set a good example. It worked out really well. They all played fairly quietly and had fun. No major meltdowns and all of us adults could enjoy ourselves too.

By instituting these rules - we were able to set the rules for them when we went to other people's houses. The rules at home apply at 'so & so's' house. Even if the other kids are hanging from the ceiling like little monkeys - you have to follow the rules. It worked.

Maybe you can talk to your friend - and like Penguin Mom suggested - explain that you are working with your son to improve his behavior - suggest to her that she limit access to the entire house to the children and give them specific play areas. Areas that are easy to monitor without having to leave the adults all the time to check on the kids.

It may make things less stressful for her too. I hate to see you not go - especially if you son enjoys it - that's cool considering how difficult socialization can be. As for your son calling himself a jerk - just tell him he's not - explain that your friend gets kind of frazzled and yells at her kids too.

Unfortunately, the roughhousing is the sole reason he wants to go. He absolutely loves wrestling with other kids, perhaps because it's a way of connecting he feels successful at, or maybe just because he loves the energy. He's a very physical guy. I'm trying to find a way to let him have that in a better context.