My Autistic Son won't Play

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My son was diagnosed with Childhood Autism grade 5 here in Germany.
I was struggling with him before and continue to struggle a bit.
He is 4. He speaks two languages, German and English
I need to ask some advice.

The first thing that I find disturbing is that he forgets the names of things.
Apple, orange, banana- fine. But after that he struggles with the names of
all other fruits, for example. Both in German and English. He keeps this
little treasure of 'beloved' words that he runs into everywhere and throws
every other word out of his vocabulary that doesn't have a special meaning
or close place in his life.

He does not play. Not in the general sense of the word 'play'. My definition
of play is imagination, role play, story, adventure, theme, travel, create.
Johannes's idea is move object from point A to point B and back or to lay
things out in rows. For example, he lines his Hot Wheels autos out and
creates a very precise accident scene. He will use balls and his space shuttle
set to set up precise movements of planets and a moon landing. But it never
goes any farther. He gets terribly upset by interferences to his project and
board very quickly. He hates suggestions that in his mind create inaccuracies
in his mental picture models.

The fact that he can not entertain himself, can't play with his sister, has a hard
time verbally communicating, and finds it difficult to connect with others...well it is hard.

I don't want to plop him in front of the TV. I limit it to a 'thing that he only does on the
week-end' because it helps him get through the daily rhythm change that he held on to
during the weekdays.

I read to him, but have to tweak the stories a bit because he has a hard time grasping
the abstract concepts in some of the stories.

We color or paint or do playdoh, but he never creates or makes anything with meaning.
I would call all of his work abstract art. He calls it a 'fixed play ground' when he is happy
or a 'kaputt playground in a thunderstorm', when he is stressed. I bought stencils, stamps,
and a book about drawing to get him going but he shows very little interest or puts on one
carefully chosen stamp and creates a abstract background.

How does one play with these children? How does one keep them occupied without
over-stretching them?

Your son sounds much like how I was at his age. It also sounds like you are projecting yourself into him. It is a huge mistake to assume he is not entertaining himself just because he doesn't "play" like how you want him to.

The BEST thing you can do for your son is to love him just the way he is and never act like he needs to be fixed.

What you have ahead of you is many years of learning how to communicate with each other. While you are waiting for your son to grow up more, learn all you can from adult Aspies... especially those who have children. The Autism Hub is a great resource for starters (WP isn't too bad either as long as you balance out your sources of information).

Aspies for Freedom is another good source for an accurate yet positive image of autism.

I've raised two children (one Aspie/one NT) and have the same mix of grandchildren (#3 soon on the way). My grown up NT daughter (age 27) was not messed up because of being raised by an Aspie mom. I didn't try to "fix" her even though to me she seemed "odd."

Relax LINNAE and enjoy your child for who he is. Don't forget... children on the spectrum should not be raised like children off the spectrum. Your son by nature entertains himself in a more independent manner than most other children his age. Let him enjoy some regular time to do his own thing. He is "feeding" his hungry brain.

When I was his age, the only things that interested me was things like blocks, Lincoln Logs, Legos, ect. Regular toys were just to limited and their redundant uses just could not hold my interest very long, other than observing them as useless ornaments. I also had the opportunity to play with dump trucks and bulldozers. With my blocks I made bridges for the cars which had wheels from grandm’a sewing thread spools. I tried to explain that the wheels worked better without all that thread on them, and the color matched the wooden blocks, but she did’nt understand that point of view to well. Later, I discovered erector sets, wow, that kept me busy for quit some time. The erector sets got bigger and better and I built some absolutely amazing stuff.

But all of the things I ever did, was preferably alone, until I finished a project. Then it was time to tear it down and build something bigger and better. They would say, why did you tear it down, I would say it’s still here, I’m just going to rearrange it. If you get him building blocks, prepare to buy a couple more sets in the near future. The color of the toys may have something to do with his lack of interest as well. To some people, colors have sound, and vice versa. My interest were of things with neutral color, and did not make much noise unless I wanted it too. The other thing is, I did not like things with people figures and faces, I was confused enough by the “big people” enough as it was. Just a couple things to consider, hope it helps him.

There is a movie called the Matrix. Imagine not knowing if you are in reality, or in the Matrix. I was inside of my own head more than I was in the outside world. I needed my two realities to match up, so I could be sane. Imagining things that did not exist did not make sense until I was seven or eight years old. Pretending after that needed to be scripted from a movie I had already seen. Play for me at age 4 was creating roads and towns for my hot wheels, or mining a miniature quarry for pebbles with my Tonka toys. My sister would play with the hot wheels in the small worlds I built, and we had fun together that way. Play for me was mainly about getting my mind to logically match reality. I would ask myself "Did what I see and hear actually makes sense? How did it get that way? Is my reasoning correct, or do I have an error in my imagination?" I had to make sure the world worked the way I seemed to see it working.

I had a difficult time with words, so I was quiet.The important words got me by day to day. It did not matter to me that others had a problem that I did not speak the words they wanted me to use. I had what I needed and the rest was frustrating nonsense. Learning to read was the way I opened my mind to larger things than day to day survival.

How does he do with computer games, tag, hide and go seek, and other scripted play? Does he like the teeter totter, swings, and merry go round? Those are interactive playground things to start with.

Last edited by Mudboy on 04 May 2010, 8:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

Here's a sample from my post "Digging into the Past" from my blog describing how I was as a child:

The feeling I recall best is loving to be able to create and build.

Small children often play with language or have favorite words. I still have favorite words -- usually ones that look or sound like what they mean: ugly, pretty, soft, etc.



He is playing and entertaining himself. He's just not playing in a way that entertains other people. As for playing with his sister, you could try playing games with him that require taking turns -- we played a lot of board games when I was growing up. Just don't expect a great deal of maturity -- he is only 4 years old, after all. It's a good skill for him to learn, though.

My mom kept a huge bucket of Leggos on top of the refrigerator. She'd occasionally pour them out on the table top and we'd each make our own things -- together. It was the only time I was popular with the other kids in the neighborhood.

My neice and I would also recreate simple sets from movies we'd seen -- they were Vincent Price movies and we were usually recreating the pit from 'The Pit and the Pendulum,' (pit = shoebox, pendulum = broken frisbee on a string) but don't let that disturb you. It wa a lot of fun.



That's fine.



What are you trying to read to him? Most books for four-year-olds involve colors, shapes, animals and Mommies and Daddies as I recall from reading to my daughter at that age.



Again, what are you expecting from a four-year-old? My perfectly normal NT daughter's art work was "abstract" until she was at least five or six, and even then she sometimes had to interpret them for me. Now at 21, she's minoring in Fine Arts in Uni. As for it not having meaning, his work most certainly does. He's expressing his emotions through the playground motif, and we all know how hard expressing emotion can be for anyone, especially for someone on the autistic spectrum. Remember, in the adult art world, abstract art is some of the most complex, deeply nuanced and meaningful in the world.



You're going to have to adjust your idea of what play is. You seem to have a very rigid definition of play that only involves interaction with others. Most of my playtime was solitary when I was growing up and as long as I wasn't breaking anything or doing something dangerous, my folks left me to it. Yeah, you'll have to encourage him to learn how to interact and play with others if he's going to survive in school or life. That's where the board games and turn-taking games come in. Also, movement games like Simon Says or Red Light, Green Light, once he's a little older.

The art work is a great idea, but don't try to force him to simply replicate the physical world around him. Creativity doesn't come from a book about sketching the perfect horse. If he wants to do that later on, he will. Creativity comes from having the materials on hand and letting him express himself with them as he sees fit -- so long as it isn't destructive or harmful, like painting the sofa or the cat or something.

Your son sounds like an adorable little boy. You will have to pay attention to the signs that he's getting overstimulated, but you have to do that with any kid. Just pay attention to what's going on when he's over-stimmed and work in some quiet time.

he sounds like a wonderful and fascinating little boy! planet movement and moon landings and accident scenes... that sounds pretty advanced for 4 yrs old.

our asd child is 4, too. his speech was.... well we called it selective heh. he could say words, but after saying them a few times he usually chose not to use them. and asking him to say "mama" when he was 18 months old would get you a firm "NO." he communicates a lot more now, sometimes that takes just time and patience.

your son plays, just not how YOU would play. he plays a lot like my son, tho. lines of toys, shoes, blocks. its ok to get in there with him, make lines, try to share his world. talk to him about patterns and see if he can create them in his lines. there can be a lot of beauty in lines and patterns. find things that he enjoys, and let him do those things. keep introducing new things and experiences, but realize that he may focus on just a few things and not engage in the rest, and thats ok. our sons obsessions are video game related, but those have opened him up to other ways to play. he plays pretend now, usually hes mario or luigi (from the nintendo games), or he'll play zombie hunter with his brother (from his dads and oldest brothers Left 4 Dead video games). its not how i would play pretend, but hes happy and thats what matters.

your sons art stuff i would say DOES have meaning. maybe not to you, but to him. if he is carefully choosing a stamp and then creating a background around it, he is doing so with purpose. try asking him about why he chose that stamp, maybe he can use words to explain it, or maybe he cant explain because he cant use words to express his idea. but there is purpose and meaning there.

ive noticed with my son, while he can focus intently on creating something, and he has this exact idea of what it is suppose to look like, when hes done, hes done. there is no sentimental attachment to what he has created. so while it may look to me like he is creating with no real lasting meaning, his meaning is in the creating itself, not in the final product.

^^I second this emotion^^

For Autistic kids creating intricate dioramas and lining things up is play. My office is at this moment cluttered with toys - including action figures and Hot Wheels cars - all in precise positions and glued down, so no one can move them from where I want them to be. It's a museum display, not an active playground, and I like it that way.

Things like Legos, Lincoln Logs and Tinkertoys are the best things in the world to keep an Autistic child busy. It's all about the patterns.

It sounds like hes doing great with language for his age. With Autism, kids usually seem way ahead of most kids in some areas and behind in others and thats ok...try to focus on his strong points.
As far as the "play" goes, like everyone has said, his way of playing or amusing himself may look different to you but it makes him happy. My daughter used to line plastic animals across the floor and when one would fall down or one of the cats would knock it over she would scream until it was replaced. What has helped with her is just teaching her to talk instead of scream....to ask for help. First we used visual pictures that cued her to ask for help and now she does it most of the time without the prompts....course it just depends on the day and what sensory issues shes having. It is a really good idea to sit down next to him and sort of do what he is doing, it gives him the idea that other people can play with him and it makes him feel that you are interested in what he is doing.

Just remembered, dominoes, too. My dad and I used to spend hours lining up dominoes in intricate patterns and making them fall. We started out just making straight lines of dominoes, then he showed me how to make it branch off and go in curves. That was fun.

I agree with the others, he is playing, just not in the way you'd expect.

There's a program called "Floortime" invented by Stanley Greenspan, and the basic idea of it is to play with your autistic child by following their lead and letting yourself get into their world, instead of trying to force them to enter yours. The important thing is to connect with your child and build a bond between you.

Here's some info: http://www.autismweb.com/floortime.htm

I have an only child, but I bet there are some good ideas out there for helping his sister connect and play with him too, if you do a little research.

Exactly! My grandson used to talk (to himself) while he was "drawing" when he was around this age. When he was finished, his drawing looked like a massive scribble, all one color. But it was a definite process - there was a "person" who was going from place to place and people (or other entities) who were doing different things ... I think he was "re-enacting" programs from TV or video games, I'm not sure. But he was definitely engaged in what he was doing. He was not invested in the product.

Question: when you say he won't entertain himself, are you suggesting that he is not happy in his own activities? That he is looking for you to share them with him, but you must play by his rules? If so, my son was like that. My son seeks the company of people, and still does, but I was never able to "play" the way he really wanted me to, and I still don't. Ultimately him and I engaged in a lot of parallel play when he was a toddler, so that he would have the companionship he sought without me having to figure out what he wanted. He talked about what he was doing and I would nod my head that it sounded great (even when I did not understand it at all) and I would answer his questions about what I was doing (if he asked). For us, that worked.

"play" is subjective and can be interpreted in different ways. What is amusing and entertaining for you can be perceived differently from your son.

As a mother of a son with autism (age 5), I shared your concerns. My son also likes to line things up in precise, detailed, arrangements with legos, blocks, cars, stuff animals, etc. Like your son, he does not want ANYONE touching his arrangements nor does he want any help. He prefers that I just watch him build and praise him at the same time.

He can be obsessive in certain things for months and move on to another obsession.... currently it is building castles and making shapes (heart, square, diamond, etc) with his hands.

These types of play may not be typical for his peers but he does enjoy them and it does not make it wrong.

I think as parents with children of autism, we fret over frivolous things. I learned that we have to enter their world to understand them. My advice is to keep on praising your son in whatever type of play he is interested in.

You are not alone. My son is almost 5, and he has never really "played" like other kids. He mainly likes to draw on his etch-a-sketch. He draws the same things over and over. Mainly his special interests---makes and models of cars (mainly Volkswagons) and churches. Some of these drawings are very elaborate.

Sometimes he will roll his toy cars around and say that they are going places, but if I try to join in and set up roads or anything, he is not interested. He is getting interested in reading books, and he loves playing with the telephone. We are currently having to hide our telephones from him because he was tying up the phone lines by pressing buttons for long periods of time so that he could hear the recordings that come on the phone. One thing I have learned about him is that he does not like fake things. For instance, he is very interested in the kitchen and cooking. However, when you bring out fake foods to play with, he has no interest (except to chew on some of the items)LOL! He loves music, so we listen to lots of music. He also loves to make up silly words, so I just join in and laugh with him when he does it.

Overall, I have had to adjust my thinking like some of the other posters have said. I just try to relate to him no matter what he is doing, and to introduce new things to give him exposure. I have to let go of my disappointment if he does not get into something.

Just keep trying to get into his world, and love him no matter what he is doing even if it seems odd! My son's language is really progressing fabulously, so whatever I am doing, must be working somewhat!

Hang in there!

I'm not an expert in the field, but as someone with AS, I really don't understand why it is so important that he plays the way you want him to play.

After all, isn't the point of playing to allow one time to explorer and interpret the world themselves?

I don't think it is accurate for people to assume that just because autistic children go about playing slightly differently than other children, that they have no imaginations.

I'm a bit confused as well, because you mention you are discontent when he structures his toys into concrete things, like solar systems, and you are equally discontent when he structures his play-doh into abstract things. So I'm perplexed, what should he do to please you?

You know, what is so often overlooked is that many autistic children, when allowed to to play by themselves in whichever manner they please, even if it is just lining things up, are happy. And this level of happiness probably exceeds that of ordinary children.

It certainly doesn't hurt to encourage him to be imaginative by your standards. For example, you might ask him to make up a story about something he likes, and ask him silly questions to present to him creative ideas, but it's equally important that he be able time to just be himself and play as he wish.