I am soo angry at my baby's father!! !!

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He hasn't been supportive nor proactive in treating our son's (5 years old) autism. His take on it is to just love our son and let it take its course. I believe that we should give our son speech therapy, occupational therapy, and connect him with as many social therapies such as sports and music.

I have been initiating everything, including all the research about our son's condition. I feel alone in this battle and I don't understand how he can sleep at night. He forgot about our son's IEP meeting and can't even remember the teacher's name, that just shows how much he cares about our son's education.... and yet he JUST graduated with a MBA degree with the highest GPA in the class.

i told him that the worst thing we can do right now is nothing but he doesn't have faith in any type of therapy out there beside sports and music. i think that its just an excuse to not be involved to do the "work". On top of that, he recently told me that he wants to live in another country for a year. Seems like he is trying to escape from his own son...

i am so angry at him, we have been arguing the whole day. i try to keep it civil with him since we have been separated for almost 4 years now, but when he missed our son's IEP meeting, that was just the last straw!!

i don't know what to do in this situation, i told him that i will no longer involve him with the IEP meetings nor his therapies since he doesn't "believe" in them. He tells me I'm being irrational that he wants to be present at the meetings but he will go along with whatever the school suggests. I believe that the school is lacking what our son needs and that we need to find an advocate to be present at those meetings. We both have conflicting views, and I don't see his presence nor neutrality helping our son. I don't need the negative energy when I'm trying to maximize the best possible education for our son. Do you guys think I am out of line??

Get your son the therapy!...it will help not only your son but you. Our therapists have helped my kids and they help me to help my kids. Sounds like his Dad is either in denial or is an aspie himself. You might want to consult whoever diagnosed your son for help.

No, I don't think you're out of line.

School accommodations and speech therapy is not about changing personality. People with autism and AS as well tend to learn differently because they process information differently than others. For example, studies done in autistic children...verbal or partially verbal I imagine, showed that they process language a fraction of a second slower than most people, and this can have profound impacts on one's ability to learn language, so it is crucial the child is taught in a way that the information can be absorbed.

To be perfectly honest, your son's father sounds like an @$$. The type of guy who has no idea about the time, resources and efforts that need to be put into raising children, has little, if any, parental intuition, and thinks you're being too emotional about the whole thing.

I'm going to bet that if you are being emotional it's because you feel you can't get through to him, and if you can't get through to him, it's probably because he minimizes your intellect.

I get the sense that he tells you that you're being irrational to make himself feel validated in this.

No, you are not being irrational. The school will offer the most cost effective solution, not the one that is in your son's best interest.

At least that's my impression based on what you have shared with us.

Anyway he will likely just shut down if you keep going on about it to him. I'd just save your energy for your son.

P.S. If your son's father does leave the country do you intend to go with him or does he intend to pay child support from abroad?

As others have said, you aren't out of line in wanting your son to have the therapies he needs. What you may want to try to do is disinvest from having your ex's support/input in all of this. I know that sounds easier said than done, but most of the moms I know, even "happily married moms," are the ones doing all the advocating for their kids - they go to the IEP meetings alone, or with an advocate (no dad). They do all the arranging for therapy. Dads are notorious for not knowing the teachers' names, or even what grade their kids are in (special needs or typical kids).

It is not your job to include your ex in the process - it might be your job to allow for his inclusion. So, if you told him when the IEP meeting was, you did your job. If he chooses not to show up (or to forget), that's on him. In fact, if he "doesn't believe in the western system of education," or if he doesn't think your child needs the therapies you are fighting so hard for at your IEP meetings, you are probably better off if he "forgets" about the meeting. Bring a friend, other family member, or advocate (if you can). You can't make him be involved, especially in a way that you think will benefit your son. Don't waste your energy on him - put your energy where it can do some good - on your son, and on yourself. You need to take care of yourself, too!

I'd just proceed without him and do what you think is right. I hope you have a court order for child support that will obligate him to provide for his child regardless of what country he's in. If he believes in the sports or music, maybe you can get him to help with that by taking him to games or lessons. That might relieve some of your burden which is better than nothing.

It's easier to say than do, but I think you should try to relax about it. I agree he is in the wrong but being mad is going to hurt you more than it's going to hurt him. You deserve better. Don't waste your time and energy trying to force him to do things that you can't force him to do. You have too much on your plate to waste your resources on that. Even dads who are trying are often clueless about names and therapies. My husband is my children's step dad. He's amazing. He knew I had three kids in the spectrum but wasn't put off. He loves us all. He's a great provider and takes the kids to classes and stuff. He has no clue about therapies and teachers, but he take some of the burden of daily chores etc so I can manage that stuff. My ex-husband does far less even though they are his biological children.

Sure we aren't talking about the same guy? Well, ok, no, but I can def. sympathize with you here as my girls' father is pretty uninvolved as well (emotionally, parentally, financially). To be honest, I still think he doesn't "get" what autism/AS actually is. In my case, I think part of it is a cultural divide when it comes to attitudes about the brain and health and child rearing (he's from a very different culture than mine), but also I think it's easier for him to internally tell himself there isn't a problem-- because then somehow he'd think it reflects on him as a person. I say his non-involvement and lack of child support do that all on its own, not whether or not both our daughters are NT or not. (yes! I *am* bitter lol!)

A fine example: Trying to explain what aspergers is to him in a way he'll understand (ESL issues happening here). Explaining our daughter's meltdowns at school-- to which he replies "well if she crying at school this mean some kid hit her." For him, that settles it, no matter how many times I tell him there's no such behavior like that at her school (bullying is taken very seriously and it's a small country school on top of it all).

My advice-- inform your ex, but do what you need to do anyway, especially since he seems to be taking an escape route and putting himself ahead of his son. Maybe in time he'll come around and get it-- probably when your son is older and he's expecting him to be more interactive. As for him having an MBA, I say poppycock! Sticking with an educational program doesn't in any way equal responsible or mature (or intelligent I say). I've met some of the most inept people in university and some ingenious gems living on the streets (all NTs I might add). In my case, I've settled on expecting very little from my ex, while hoping for things to get better. With that comes a lot less disappointment and it's easier just to get on with working with your son and life.

Best wishes in this situation for real, my dear!

hm, i'll take a different approach here. maybe the father has a better insight in your son's problems. it could be that he had similar problems with growing up and know how to get through? this is the case in our family, we know what our son is going through and based on our own examples and also an older kid in the family that had huge problems (not a word till he was 4) we know how this thing developes and that eventually all of us turned out fine.
i am saying that considering a wide range in the autism spectrum, a family history insight can be better than standardized approach of teachers or psychologists.

also i do have similar opinion about the "western schooling system". it is bad especially in math and sciences. and i am pretty sure that your ex has better anaytical skills and overview regarding what is needed to be successful. teachers are great if you want an "average" child. my 2 cents.

This sounds very familiar... my husband was very much in denial for quite a while, and even after he was faced with the diagnosis, was really unsure about therapies. He has bad memories of feeling like his mom trying to "fix him" when he was young, so I can understand his point of view, but it all put a big strain on our marriage.

Oddly enough, he is now more committed to many of the therapies than I am, though still very unwilling to try anything not strictly mainstream.

Since you're no longer involved with the father, your main responsibility is just to keep him informed. But perhaps his attitude will change over time. I'm sure you're very frustrated and upset with him feeling like a roadblock to your plans, but if you can dig a little deeper and find out what's troubling him, perhaps you can reframe the issue in a way that works for him. It may save trouble in the long run.

If he is fighting because he is in denial, that is an issue.

If he is fighting because he thinks the therapies might stigmatize or otherwise harm your child, that is another matter.

You've made it sound like he is pretty firmly in the earlier category, but I would root around a little more to see if it goes deeper.

I am curious, when he says he doesn't believe in Western therapies, what does he believe in and what would he do for your child?

I am not sold on all therapies, and have to admit that we got almost nothing out of the one therapy I desperately wanted for my son (OT). Speech seems to be the one that brings on the consistent results, and provides broad services that go far beyond the traditional concept of speech. Music and sports - those are good for the right kids, but not all.

I tend to feel that anything you can get free from the school is a no-brainer: take it. But other therapies ... it really depends. A person can go broke pursuing them, and leave a child with very little time to do the things he needs most, like follow his own interests, stim and self-mitigate, etc.

Some of the most amazing success stories have come from parents who chose to mostly just love their kids but, more than that, get to know them and their quirks on a ground level, and work with the kids from there. Much of modern therapy developed out of these parent's success stories. So, the concept of going it alone is not entirely all wet, but one has to know what that means, and if your son's primary caregiver is not the father, then it is difficult to imagine him pursuing such intensity with his child on his own. Is he trying to tell you that you are supposed to? So ... I'm guessing you are right, he's using a potentially valid argument to wiggle out of responsibility both emotionally and financially. But ... what if he isn't? I can't tell form reading on a message board which it is. Just asking you to double check on it.

Deleted...sorry, I had missed the part about you no longer being with the father.

Have you considered the possibility that your baby's father is on the spectrum as well?