Telling rest of class about Aspies - yes or no?

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Hi - new user here Son aged 12 dx with Asperger's last year.

My son is 12. School has become harder in the last 6 months for him. The 'ditching' at break time and lunch time, the name calling, laughing at him because he has no friends, laughing at him because he's struggling with some of the work, calling him fat, ginger and gay etc. The group of boys doing all this are the very group my son so desperately wants to be friends with No amount of telling him they are not real friends seems to be penetrating and he continues to try to get them to like him and he is continually knocked back by them - frankly, it's heart-breaking.

So, he's tried to stand up for himself a few times and as you can guess, it's back-fired on him and he's ended up either in trouble himself with teachers or the other boys have seriously rounded on him and he's come home in floods of tears. I have been in contact with school and they handle each incident as it happens. His head of year has been talking to him and has suggested that my son tells the rest of his class about his Asperger's. This man has told my son that his wife is also a teacher who works in a school with a lot of children with ASD's etc and she finds that once the NT children there know about the disorder, they are much kinder to the affected child.

I'm in two minds about this strategy. On the one hand, I can't help thinking, well, NOT telling them hasn't worked, so it might be worth a try. On the other hand, if he tells the class and explains to them that because of Asperger's he will say and do things 'wrong' sometimes, he's opening up a whole new arena for them to bully him with. Will they start calling him the 'ret*d' and the 'Downey' (seen both terms used by these children to describe various children in the school - vile eh?!). Will they move away from him because he 'has a disease' or be kind of scared of engaging with him because they know he really is different? Will their parents tell them to stay away from him because he's 'not right'...

Has anyone got any experience of this? Should he tell or try to keep it private at school? Is it true that things get better by the time they're all 15 or 16 - man, I hope it is!

Hi Kuribo and thank you for your reply.

He goes to some groups aimed at Asperger's and other asd's organised by our local authority.

No, we don't view Aspies as a disease and we haven't presented it that way to our son. His understanding, and ours, is that there's nothing 'wrong' with him, he just sees the world differently and thinks about things differently! It's other people who view any kind of asd in a weird way! There's some really really pig ignorant people out there!

I'm gutted you don't think some of this crap at school will ease off. I was hoping that by the time they were all concentrating on their GCSE subjects (we are in the UK), they'd be more mature and using more of their energy on their studies rather than going around, hounding my lad!

So, your vote is NOT to tell his class mates...ok.

Disclosure is not appropriate to a classroom of 12 year olds. Asperger's Syndrome is complex and even 'experts' do not grasp the implications. Misnomers are rampant and ignorance can become dangerous. 12 years old can be socially cruel and their misunderstanding of autism could have dire consequences for your son - bullying can escalate out of control. Remember that disclosure can never be undone.

Hope your son is alright......maybe another classroom set-up would be better? Anyhow, be careful - his safety comes first. I like the way you've presented AS to your son - that's the way! Maybe he'll develop his own confidence as he settles in to his own Dx.

I agree with the others. Appealing for understanding will probably just increase the teasing. Don't let him feel like he has to beg or explain himself. That only increases the attacks. Asperger was an Austrian paediatrician, his name is <insert name> and who he is is ok. He has to learn to stand up for himself. He's a bit young yet, when the testosterone starts flowing teach him how to use it. He'll get more respect, fair better and have more friends if he does. That doesn't mean he has to be violent, just assertive. Until then, he has to learn that if there is no available suitable company, then eat his lunch alone. Let the teachers handle the crap with the other students. He doesn't have the social sophistication to handle it yet. He will get clobbered or be too obvious and get into trouble.

The stuff you're describing isn't die hard bullying. It's typical sociological behaviour, as they are just starting to learn it. Unfortunately this is an innate human trait. While as adults they may do this less or more covertly, humans do this throughout their whole lives. The tendency is to drive down, or out, anything that's vulnerable to promote ones status in, and cohesion of the social group. As you say, he's seeking them out. Probably because he wants to have friends, but it places him in this vulnerable position. If they were seeking him out then the teachers would have a clear avenue of action to stop it. They may not even bother to seek him out, or it would only take a couple of warning shots to make them back off.

When he gets to high school, if he learns to be more assertive, coupled with some maturity, he will probably fair a little better. Depending on the disciplining at the school, high school is often a better environment. Some of the other kids are more mature, and there is usually a greater population and diversity to pick friends from. My boys didn't have any friends in primary school, but in high school they found a couple and are ok.

As far as eating lunch alone and having no/few friends, he has to become immune to this. That's going to be for the rest of his life. It is extremely unlikely that he will ever be as accepted as the average person. He has to be ok with this. As he grows into his life he will find the places that best suit him. If he learns to stand up for himself, he'll have enough friends, and enough respect to get what he needs for himself.

You have to teach him the truth of people, and life in general, not what a mother would wish it to be. Of course this still has to be appropriate for his stage of development. Humans have this strong trait of distorting reality when the truth is unpleasant. Literals do not have this mode of functioning. What you tell him he will expect to see through his eyes, literally. If he is misguided or confused, he will keep making the same mistakes, getting bitten over and over again until he becomes angry. That will be no good for him. The truth will not bother him as much as it would bother most. He can work with it and adapt, leaving the dogs barking at the fence and live his own life in peace.

NO. Disclosure would just be another tool to use against him.

Been there, done that, got the PTSD. Other than intimate friends, disclosure is NEVER a good idea.

If you have a very supportive community and you know that the community will continue to be supportive through out the child's movement through the school district and any local extracurricular activities, I think in theory it can work. The problem is that if you are already having bully problems, you probably don't live in such a Utopia, and then it just gives the bullies more ammo. "Autistic" has been used as an insult, even in a relatively released movie (21 Jump Street) and there you are handing an insult to the enemy. Unless there are people who will exert social pressure on the bullies, instead of joining in, condoning it, or allowing it, IMO it would just make things worse.

Teachers like to believe that kids will be nicer about things when they understand them, but this is not my experience. YMMV

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to this thread. I think it's very clear that disclosure is not the right way to go. It's bloody miserable right now though. The other kids are just vile...why? why are children so bloody mean to each other? My lad's gone to bed in tears again - no child should have to deal with this, day and day out. He can't understand why everyone isn't just pleasant. He can't understand why he's singled out for the worst of it. I feel like running away with him to a croft, on an island, with no electricity and just shutting the whole world out and keeping him safe from all this!

MIDDLE SCHOOL is vile. It's vile for typical kids, too-- the glans penis (or concomitant female part) has outstripped the cerebral cortex, moral development is barely on the radar, the expectations have gone up and the stress level has tripled, and nobody knows who they are or who they want to be or what they want to do with it all.

That's for the typical kids. It sucks tenfold to be the "different" kid, the one who is going through a different set of changes (or just not keeping pace-- my body might have hit puberty at 13, but my social life didn't catch up until about 19), the one who is, de facto, one of the ones that it's "OK" to take all that insecurity and frustration out on.

I'd probably explain exactly that to my kid-- "They're all ragingly insecure right now-- scared, and angry, and suddenly stupid relative to everything going on in their lives. The good news is, you're one of the few kids who can still keep their head on half straight. The bad news is, they're going to take it all out on you."

Knowing this helped me view the situation with something like clinical detatchment. It didn't help a whole lot, but it did contribute to getting me through.

If a croft on an island is anything akin to a survival cabin deep in the woods, I'd like to pack up my first-grader and join you. I can hardly effing wait for middle school-- BLEH!! ! My typical, intelligent, very attractive 12-year-old seems to be sailing through it like a duck. Do I expect as much for Mister Edison?? Not so much.

If your boy likes Legos, he and my kid might just be in hog heaven removing themselves from civilization until the other kids smarten up again (in about 10 years). Do you garden much?? What are your feelings on Terry Pratchett and coffee??

Sorry-- just recruiting prospective members for this intentional community I keep fantasizing about....

Firstly, so sorry for the situation.....of course, it's not your son's fault - I hope he knows that. You're a good mum to look after him and be protective. He needs it now.

The first priority is your son's education. Importantly, he needs to feel safe and secure so he can learn. Bullying is toxic to anyone but an order of magnitude worse for any Aspie, especially a child. Unfortunately, 'officials' can badly overlook bullying and the detrimental effects can be far-reaching. Getting a good education, which he deserves (!), will be hard given these circumstances. I promise you'll not change his classmate's attitudes and it's futile to try. Instead, just focus on yourself and your son (and not those administrators).

Look, I know it may not be feasible, but could you check into another school? Even if it means moving for you (yes, I appreciate this can be hard). Changing his environment might be worth the investment. Would he be eligible for a special programme? Some secondary schools have an optional 'school-within-a-school' that can be really beneficial. Home schooling might be an option to seriously consider now. I know private schools can be pricey, but it might be a consideration if you can. Anyhow, sorry for the torment you're all going through - you're probably his rock right now. Take care.