Eldest son in hospital

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I'm sad to say we've had to hospitalize Eldest Son for his bi-polar and psychotic stuff. This is a short term stabilization program, so he'll be home soon. He's 13 and has been struggling all year. We've tried so many things and he'll do better for a few days then be worse. We are constantly working with his Dr to get his meds right and he sees a counselor. I know part of it is puberty. He's been so angry, oppositional and manipulative he's been hard to deal with. He got really out of control this time and made some terrible threats and acted like he was really going to do them.

His AS isn't the problem, neither is his ADHD, but in some ways it does make him harder to treat. He's still a bit immature and isn't coping with the hormone changes well which stresses him. Stress aggravates his bi-polar disorder. His difficulties expressing himself also makes it hard to communicate and take the best care of him.

One issue we're having that maybe some parents of Aspies or Aspies can help me with is how to discipline him. When he misbehaves there isn't a lot I can do about it. I used to take his toys away for time outs, as time outs and spankings didn't really work much. There was a brief window when he was a toddler that small spankings kept him from running into traffic or doing other very dangerous things but that has long since passed. The only things he cares much about are the things he needs to calm himself down so taking them away just makes everything worse. Giving him extra chores also stresses him and makes things worse. I can't cut off his phone priveledges that would be a reward not a punishment. I can't ground him since he doesn't go out except to school or family things which wouldn't apply to being grounded. We take away computer/tv priveledges but he doesn't care.

Any suggestions would be most apprediated.

Kiley

I wish I had advice to give, but my son is only 5, so we are not there yet. I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you have had to put him in the hospital. I hope all gets better soon!

Thanks. There is no cure for bi-polar disorder or psychosis but there are treatments. I appreciate your support.

did you try workouts/exercise ? regular workouts helped me a lot to contol myself, and ground me.

Hospitalizations are not a "bad" thing...and when living with Bipolar Disorder, they are essential and often life saving. More parents should take such a sincere interest in their child's well being. I commend you for doing the "right" thing for your 13 year old son.

There is a new, recently published book on the market that may be useful to you. The title of the book is, "Practical Behavioral Solutions for Children and Teens..." by Linda Miller. This book offers a complete framework for behavioral intervention which has, at its roots in prevention and good practice, an emphasis on promoting and encouraging the development of skills and independence through the five Ps...Profiling, Prioritizing, Problem Analysis, Problem solving and Planning. The book is packed with practical strategies and expert guidance...

Your local library should be able to obtain a copy for you, if you are interested...


Best of luck to you!

Yes, I've tried workouts but he fights it so hard it triggers his cycling. He's doing a lot of things to undermine himself like skipping meals and then overeating. Not only does that increase his odds of getting diabetes which are already up because of the meds he's taking and it running in his dad's family, but it throws his mood off.

The most important thing is to stay awake, and don't trust the doctors to use their brains. Drugs are dangerous, and most professionals have no idea of what they're doing.
My sister believes that her kid's bi-polar condition was medically indused -- permanent brain damage caused by incompetent doctors and their drugs. Before their tampering, he had some ADD and other learning issues, but nothing dangerous.

Also, get him out of that hell hole as soon as you safely can. As long as there's a lock on the door, that's a prison. That has a profound psychological effect on both the inmates and the guards. Power corrupts, and that kind of power is humanly impossible to resist. He is not going to get better in a cage.

Another important thing is to listen to him, understand and believe him as much as you can. Take his side whenever possible. When the whole world is against him, he needs to trust someone.

My thoughts are with you. I have had friends in similar situations, I know how difficult it is. You will, somehow, survive. Things will work themselves out for the best over time.

(((hug)))

My son is only four, so like another person said, we're not there yet. I'm already struggling with appropriate, effective discipline that doesn't punish him for having AS and doesn't allow us to use AS as an excuse.

I do want to say that I've had some personal experience with in-patient care and it is not necessarily, as another person said, "a prison" or "a hellhole." I'm sure some of them are, but the parent who posted this is making the best decisions she can in an incredibly difficult situation.

Kiley, keep on reaching out for resources. Is there a psychologist treating your son at the hospital who can offer suggestions on appropriate discipline methods? Maybe as the meds and hormones even out, things will be easier, too. Good luck to you and your family.

My son is 13, as well, but with different co-morbids.

Discipline with a 13 year old ... tough. At this point and time they should intellectually know right from wrong, and intellectually know things like "if I don't clean my room, I'll be tripping over the mess." In many ways, at least with normal to high functioning AS kids, it's time to let them fall on their swords. If my son doesn't do his homework, he gets bad grades. If he gets bad grades, in theory, he can lose his allowance (since school his job, and if he doesn't do his job, he doesn't get paid). It has, however, been quite a while since we've threatened consequences with him. Instead, we talk about his own goals. In that process, we learn about the things he feels he is unfairly asked to do, and we brainstorm ideas for those situations. Every thing that would appear to be a discipline issue is really something else with him, and if we can address the something else, the discipline issue goes away. That is, at least, how it is with my child, and it may be a blessing of his personality; hard to know since he's the only 13 year old I've ever so far

I would suggest looking towards rewards instead of consequences. As you have noted, the consequences seem to either have no effect, or to backfire. So, instead, you need to give him a reason to engage in desirable behaviors. Somewhere he has goals and dreams, and those can be a powerful force to tap into.

Holding your hand, mama....

I have some ideas about discipline, but need to know how much time you can spend with him before I share.

My ideas are time-dependant.

Are you working? At home?

Also, what are his special interests?

I lost my job this year because I was having to spend so much time trying to help him. I'm now a substitute teacher but I really need to work. Our budget is very tight and my husband is retiring at the end of July which will mean a massive drop in income at least until he can find another job. The job search isn't going well.

I've got two other children with equally intense but totally different needs. My 13yo has recieved most of our time, effort and financial resources. We are not going to do that anymore and are going to try to do more for the others.

He has a goal. His special interest is robotics and space. He wants to work for NASA sending robots to Mars. He has done everything he can this past year to ruin any chance of his achieving that goal. We've spent so much money and effort to help him get there, special camps, robotics supplies (very pricy!!) and working hard to keep him in academically challenging situations, but he's torpedoed all of it. Before this year he did try and enjoyed all the things we were doing for him, but this year he's just stopped making any effort and has had to leave Honors classes and now will have to go to a behavioral classroom which won't qualify him for a regular diploma that he can use to get to college. He's had a team at school helping him and tons of support at home, but he refuses to do any kind of school work, and is disruptive at home and at school.

We've used a reward system and the only things he wants for a reward are far to expensive. Reward systems have never worked for him, not for potty training and not for this. We've tried to get him to realize that it's his own future he's destroying, but he just doesn't care anymore.

I think you've hit the nail on the head in the last sentence. He's given up. There is no system that will work for a person who has completely given up.

Which means - all the effort has to go into making him believe there can be a future worth overcoming obstacles for. All he is seeing are the obstacles. And, honestly, that is what depression does to a person - keeps you from seeing anything but obstacle, after obstacle.

It's a medical situation, not a parenting one.

Going back to your original question on discipline, then, I would change my answer to noting that the sole purpose right now of providing discipline is to make him feel there is some consistency and predictability in life. You aren't going to do it to alter behavior, because he no longer cares. You aren't going to do it to obtain a result of any sort, because he is past that. You are dong it only to send the message to him and the watching eyes of the other children that certain actions will always bring the same reactions. Whatever is the standard game plan in your family, that is what you do, and don't worry about the total ineffectiveness of it. The only reason you are following through is to show consistency.

Do give thought to the rules and how necessary they are. I would not enforce ones that are not are primary, because the flip side is that you don't want to feed into his sense of hopelessness. Right now, it doesn't take much for a request to be too much; when someone is suffering from depression, even the simplest tasks can feel like scaling a mountain. Recognize that, and let him know that certain expectations are gone right now because of his medical condition, and that putting them back will depend on what you believe he is capable of at the time. Pretty much the only rule I can think of that really needs to be in place is to not hurt anyone. Talking back? He needs to be able to express frustration right now. Cleaning up? He isn't capable.

I am sorry things are so difficult for your family right now. I wish there was more I could offer.

DW,

You're offereing a lot. Your words are very validating. I keep asking myself where I've failed him and you're reminding me that this is a medical problem and that I didn't do this to him. Someone else said very kind words about me putting him in the hospital, which also helped a lot. I feel like I've betrayed him, but really this is the best thing for him and for his brothers who need to be taken care of too.

I'm deeply grateful for the support I'm getting here. So many have written kind words even when they couldn't offer advice. I can't tell you how much that means and how helpful that is. My family, friends and Priest are also being very kind and supportive. I need a lot of that now, and it's there for me.

Happily, I am making some progress with the other two in regards to their education. The school isn't budging at all, but Little Guy's Davidson Institute's application is complete and will go in for review on the first. Duke's TIP program could be helpful and a guy from there is supposed to contact me. I've spoken to him before when Little Guy was still to young for their program. Now I've got the kids test results back in regards to IQ, academic ability, AS status, ADHD status etc, and both of them qualify for TIP. If they do really well in the writing contests and the EXPLORE test they'll get some honors that could help us find open doors for them. They are such deserving little guys. They work so hard at school and are so polite (sadly, the way Eldest used to be, but hasn't been).

I'm trying really hard to spread my efforts fairly between the boys. That's the hardest thing. I always feel I should have done more.

Ok, since you're home for now....

Can you work on the underlying issues of stress and depression?

1. diet
2. exercise
3. a lot of time outdoors

Diet is an often overlooked means of supporting emotional health. When someone is as complexly wired as your son, they really HAVE to eat a "clean" diet to feel stable. That means eating a whole foods, no processed, extremely limited alternative sweetner diet. Home cooked meals with whole grains and plenty of vegetables. It will help, I promise. If you can get him to eat right.

Someone mentioned exercise. Crucial. It relieves stress, produces good endorphins, regulates serotonin and other hormones. Increasaed oxygen soothes and feeds the brain. He needs to do some kind of exercise, something that he enjoys and is a no stress situation. Walking to start? Or, whatever he's currently doing but more.... I wouldn't recommend team sports--too stressful, unless that's what he's already doing.

Lots of time outdoors. Get plenty of sun, fresh air--increase oxygen- and time in nature. Nature is soothing. Go for long walks. This is something all of your children can do together.

It sounds like school might be stressing him out. His own goals--the pressure--could be completely overwhelming him to the point of freezing (the apathy) and acting out. Is there any way to remove him for some recovery time? Let him homeschool to recover and then work with the school to create an alternative schedule ? Reduced hours, more work time at home? I know this might not be an option, where I live the district is incredibly flexible. We have a pretty large population of homeschoolers in Seattle and a homeschool resource center in our district.

These are all fundamental for wellness, and will benefit your entire family. Which brings me to my last suggestion:

4. Take excellent care of yourself

In order to help your son, you have to have the inner resources to be present with him. He needs you more than anybody, and if you're overwhelmed and depleted you don't have the energy to be there. Like the rest of us. So everything I've suggested applies to you as well.

Best of luck!! !

I would only add that there is too much pressure on schoolkids. In my own experience grades and school before university rarely matters and less pressure there leaves more energy for the higher education and worklife afterwards. bright kid can easily make up the schoolwork when is determined. what matters more is growing up and realizing himself how to determine and accomplish his goals. i guess i am trying to say not to discard his dreams now and just allow some time for things to settle.