Concerns about entering Middle School

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Hello everyone,

I am new here. I am the proud mom (and wife) of two great boys and a husband with AS. My 11 year old is entering middle school in the fall. The teasing at the end of last year was out of control. He is hoping that because middle school is bigger some of last years bullies will leave him alone. He recognizes that some of his stimming behavior in front of others can cause others to tease him. He has decided to leave the stimming behavior at home. I am working with him on 'pretending to be normal' (i.e. reading social ques, etc) but I am still worried out of my mind. Does anyone have words of wisdom for me or my son? I want him to get through middle and high school and continue to have high self-esteem about himself. He is talented in so many areas of his life (music, sports). Thanks for any responses.

Middle school is a double edge sword. With the bigger pool of fish, he has increased odds of finding friends who share similar interests and quirks. However, the larger pool also means that the teachers and staff are not as aware of what is going on with individual students and incidents of bullying can increase. Some AS kids do well, as they can finally track advanced just in areas of strength, but others fall apart from the added layers of social complexity.

My son got really close to another child in 6th grade, and together they actually were building a really nice social group and including many kids who had never had a social group before, but it was a difficult year academically. This year the academics got better, but his friend figured out that others saw my son as weird, and turned on him big time, which has been social hell, since they share friends and the new enemy cannot be avoided without abandoning the rest, which I've told my son he shouldn't feel forced to do (I give him credit for standing his ground on that, but it has been exhausting for him).

The mixed bag exists everywhere. Kids want to do group projects with him because he is a solid student, but they tend to just tag along and let him do all the work, regardless of the promises they make. That frustrates him; he feels used, but he also considers it a step up from the days a group would marginalize him for fear of his cooties. I could probably come up with a dozen examples of the whole mixed bag thing.

We are actually considering moving him for 8th grade to a Catholic school where he already knows and gets along with some of the kids from Boy Scouts, but he is resistant to the idea of change, and there are con's to the idea. Of course. Nothing is clear cut with an AS child.

I don't have any solid advice for you; no one looks forward to middle school, and I can't predict how it will play out. Be prepared for none of the teachers to really know who your child is until a decent way into the school year, and be prepared for things to get rocky. But there isn't any point in being overly afraid of it, because you can't control or change it. Do think about what your options are in case you realize the situation needs changing, and be prepared to act on them.

I have some words of advice, intended directly for OP's son. Some of them are copied straight from the "30 Pieces Of Advice For High School Students" thread from long time ago, but some are original to this thread. Here goes.

1. Always Assume You're Being Watched
You may feel like reciting words from your favorite TV show as you're walking down the hall, or trying out a hand gesture you learned in a science book. Don't do it! People will see you do it, and will remember you as "that crazy kid". As innocuous as it may seem to you, other kids will be quick to judge you due to lacking maturity, and they won't care that it's "just something you heard/read in [whatever]". And given how prolific NT friend-making capabilities are, the reputation of "that kid who always does weird things" will spread like wildfire.

2. If You Feel Like You're Being Pranked, You Definitely Are
Let's say someone asks you "Are you [some word you never heard before]?". Or, let's say someone asks you to do something that seems outlandish to you. Do NOT give a straight answer to the question, and do NOT agree to do what you're asked. Get out of answering that question or performing the action. There's no need to act "cool" in this situation, either. Plain old stubbornness will work just fine. No matter how persistent other kids are in trying to prank you with words or actions, just refuse, refuse, refuse. For a frame of reference, pretend a proselytizer is trying to convert you while you have no intention of doing so.

3. If You Think Something You'll Say is Funny, Think Again
Supposedly you want to say something funny in front of a group of people. Think about all the things that can go wrong: maybe the statement is too smart for who you're talking to, maybe your tone of voice won't match the joke (common problem for aspies), maybe they don't want to hear a joke, maybe they'll pretend not to understand it just to mess with you, maybe they'll turn it against you, or maybe the joke just will be out of context. The Murphy's Law is definitely in full force here. NTs know how protect themselves from humiliation, but for the rest of us, it's best to avoid "poking a sleeping bear with a pointy stick".

4. Don't Go to Social Events Unless They're Mandatory
They're basically places for popular kids to see and be seen, plus try out their first slow dance. For aspies, they're just asking for trouble. Popular kids often go to those, which may result in some unpleasant consequences for you, and the odds go up exponentially if you come alone. The popular kids come with large groups of friends, and they won't hesitate to raise their own social status by lowering yours.

5. Go to Cultural or Intellectual Events
Your school's art and/or music department may put on plays and concerts. Your school's science department may do contests and competitions. Go to those. Your school's ethnic organizations may do their own things as well. They generally attract artsy/quirky/geeky types who are friendly or at least tolerant toward aspies, which means you won't be bullied when you go. And possibly, you'll get some positive recognition for a change.

6. Don't Be Afraid to Take In-Class Interactions to the Next Level
I'm sure there will be people in your classes who you'll be on friendly terms with. Not just being civil to each other, but actual friendly terms. Ask them if they want to hang out after school. Most people won't hate you if you ask them only once, provided you make a graceful exit if the answer is no. If it's yes, don't show too much eagerness, and take all yes's with a grain of salt, especially if it's from kids who you wouldn't expect to hang out with you. Just stay away from places where popular kids go, because they will try to sabotage your new friendships.

7. Don't Be Afraid to Report Bullies to the Principal
After all, they won't dislike you any less if you don't. They might threaten you, but it's in your best interest to report it anyway. Don't tell the bullies you're going to report them, just do it without saying anything. Document everything they do and say to you by writing it down in a notebook or an Excel sheet (not in front of them!). Afterwards, the bullies might harass you in the hall "because you squealed". Well, guess what!? They'll harass you anyway, except you're not getting a mild sense of satisfaction from getting them in trouble.

8. Limit Your Interactions with Teachers
In middle school, it's supposedly cool to hate teachers. (High schoolers, on the other hand, adopt a more balanced view.) Keep your interactions, short, business-like, and to the point. Feel free to stick around for a few minutes after class to get clarification on an assignment, help out in the classroom when it's assigned to you, and remember the three P's (polite, pleasant, and peaceful). At the same time, don't engage in long intellectual conversations, don't volunteer your help when it's not your turn, and don't try to please the teacher beyond what's required of you as a student. Otherwise, the "teacher's pet" label is very hard to get rid of.

9. Don't Deliberately Underachieve Just to Look Cool
Think about it: the classmates who don't like you won't automatically respect you just because you "stopped being smart". If they don't like you, they'll keep not liking you. And those kids who do like you might actually respect you less because you stopped doing well. Or they might not care. So in the end, you're not gaining anything from deliberately underachieving.

10. A Quick Word about Dating
Don't bother with it. Middle school dating is so filled with cliques, taunts like "[name] and [name] sitting in a tree / K-I-S-S-I-N-G", and having relationships as a status symbol, that even hard-core NTs have a hard time with it. It's exponentially harder for aspies. Wait until high school, when kids are slightly more mature and the "oh wow" factor of dating wears off.

Aspie1 and DW_one thank you for your insightful comments. I will share several of these ideas with my son. Some of the ideas may be a little hard for him to comprehend at his age, but they give me insight as to what to watch for in the future.

Middle school was the worst for me for a variety of reasons, the best advice I can give based on my own experience would be to try and find a small school. What happened to me was that I got "selected" into a gifted program within the public school system, and in an effort at diversity the district decided to install the program at a large school in a poor black area. Needless to say, the local kids resented the largely white "nerds" being imported into their neighborhood and being told we were "gifted", so the environment was virtually one of sectarian conflict, of which I was of course blithely unaware. The best thing to happen to me in middle school was getting kicked out of that school and being put in a smaller and less divided one, I was much happier and less stressed there.

I didn't get bullied but in my observation, the children that did were those who were socially inept and still initiated interaction with others, or initially responded to baiting.

They were typically boys who were innocent in nature and well meaning, and had a very 7 year old type way of how they communicated with people. They would be the lamb who approached the pack of wolves, so too speak.

There was a particular group of bullies at my school who would attempt to bully a number of people. The ones who shrugged off the initial attack by COMPLETELY IGNORING THEM and acting as if they didn't care or had better things to think about, never become their victim.

Of course this was never physical bullying. All physical bullying should be reported to the police and charges should be pressed.

You might want to look up self-defense laws in your state and maybe ask a cop or lawyer about them so your kid doesn't have to worry about getting in trouble if he has to defend himself and so you can get him out of trouble if he is in that situation. Remember, self-defense laws in your states penal code trump any school or district policy, or state educational code, and you can sue if they are violated. When my brother (who is extremely NT) was in middle school my dad had to threaten to sue. You don't have to accept your kid getting suspended for defending himself just because it is school or district policy to suspend both kids.

They were typically boys who were innocent in nature and well meaning, and had a very 7 year old type way of how they communicated with people. They would be the lamb who approached the pack of wolves, so too speak.

This very much sounds like my son, I am going to have to keep a very watchful eye on this. I appreciate your insights.

My daughter has had a lot of trouble in middle school. She felt a strong bond with each year's elementary school teacher, but her Middle School has the kids moving to a different classroom and a different teacher for every subject. Of course the teachers recognize her differences, but it's difficult for them to build the same kind of bond that she felt with the elementary teachers that she saw for several hours each day.

She felt more lost and alone at the same time that the curriculum began to demand more class participation, oral presentations ans so on.

I found it very helpful to communicate with each of her teachers about AS. There was no simple answer. The most understanding teacher gave her the greatest accommodation and ultimately achieved the least result. A teacher that my daughter constantly ridiculed got the greatest improvement from her because she felt less pressure in his class.

Middle school was very difficult for my son. The best thing I can say about it from my perspective is that the school was very good at dealing with physical bullying and I never had to fear for my son's physical well-being (i.e., getting beat up). Academically it was a disaster because my son used all his energy surviving the social/emotional world of middle school. He learned a lot about socialization the hard way, but fortunately he managed to hang onto one true friend that will move up to high school with him. I am optimistic that he will be more successful in high school.

In terms of words of wisdom, you mentioned your son is talented in sports and music...I would suggest that you encourage him to participate in sports and music in middle school. Really push him to pursue his talents and strengths. If he continues to pursue these things in middle school, they will be very good for his overall self-confidence and that will spill over into other areas such as socialization and academics. There will be some school staff who really care about your son, find these people and treat them like gold. Create a stable, nurturing, and safe home for your son to come back to as he will need a place of refuge and shelter...middle school is a zoo. Cut him some slack at home, because no matter what you do you will never truly know how difficult his life is in middle school, so focus on creating a good home. Ask him every day "how was your day" then listen carefully and ask follow-up questions. Always trust that he is doing his best, even if it seems that he is not. Attend to his physical health and well-being because that is the one thing you have some control over.

Hope this helps! Best of luck, and hang in there.