What to do with obsessive interest?

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Oh what a different world this would be if ALL parents - not just those of us with ASD kids - would parent this way!! !!

We need a global ad campaign for that quote!

I agree!

I guess I am sort of "lucky" because I have always had my own sensory issues, and so could easily relate to my sons. It is harder for my husband, although he had all sorts of food issues as a kid (and is as rigid as the day is long!!), he doesn't remember what it was like and will sometimes push my sons on the wrong things, which invariably results in a meltdown.

To the OP, it does really sound like a tactile defensiveness/OCD combo. This is what we are dealing with for my son L too. Not only does he have all sorts of things he can't tolerate because of his sensory issues, but then his anxiety and rigidity start to snowball and he creates more rules, rituals and boundaries for himself to try to feel in control and it can become very, very difficult to help him sort through. Right now, his end of school year anxiety has caused his food issues to go back through the roof. He is barely eating anything, gagging, barricading himself at the table with stacks of books, insisting that his food be prepared and served in certain ways etc. This is after two years of eating quite a wide variety of foods and doing very well with mealtimes. It feels like we have regressed.

I won't give advice because Caitlin hit all the nails on their heads with her post (and besides I really suck at advice ). I just wanted to say that you are not alone in this. We have all the issues with figuring out just the right kinds of clothes, underwear, shoes, bedding, body lotions, detergents, shower routine etc. We have had our son attack another kid at school because a bump feels like a punch to him and he goes into "fight mode". We have had the meltdowns over the "wrong" kind of t-shirt. We have had him shrink away from a hug like a dog who has been beat. We have had high stress days where my son can't bear to get dressed at all and has ended up in tears huddled in a blanket, unable to go to school. I think these experiences are more common than not here on the "Wrong Planet". I had most of them myself as a child too, and still need to carefully chose the right clothes etc in order to be comfortable. A good OT can do wonders. The book Caitlin recommended is really good. And just remember not to take any of this personally. It is not your sons fault that he can't tolerate these things. It really sucks to have your sensory system out of whack. It feels absolutely miserable, and people without SPD just can't understand how insane that seam in the sock can make you. It hurts! It fills up your brain until you can't think of anything else. It gets so bad you can barely see or hear as the one overloaded sense overwhelms the others (at least this is how it is for me, and as far as I can tell, my sons too). And then you get treated like you are crazy, weak, whiny, picky etc, when all you are trying to do is protect yourself from this suffering. And the OCD, if that is what your son has, exacerbates everything too.

@Caitlin I don't care much for facebook, but I will check it out. Thanks.

Annotated Alice, I found this post on Hartley Steiner's blog to be really insightful in terms of the June regression issue: http://www.hartleysboys.com/2010/06/its ... ssion.html

Well thanks. I just do what I do because the littler person is a person who deserves to be treated like a person and not a pet or creature I'm meant to train up to do whatever bidding I want. I am sure I'll get on a roll about parenting somewhere else at some point.

It's good to be here and I hope the OP finds a way to have a life. It's really hard and I have shed a few tears over it myself at times. I think all parents have. Nobody tells us just what it means because nobody knows until you're in it with your own children. As awesome as it can be is as devastating as it can be!

On the interests debate: if an interest makes a child more functional and might lead to a career, keep it. If an interest is manageable but useless, try to gently use it as a channel to a different interest (playing minesweeper ---> computer programming). If an interest is causing stagnation or regression, get rid of it, no matter how heart-rending the screams.

I say that because I was obsessed with the Holocaust for years, and it had a negative effect on my mental health. In fact, it was a negative effect of my mental health - it started when I was bullied in middle school and continued until I went on a certain antidepressant. The books I read often made me cry (I dysfunctionally relied on them for emotional stimulation), and my outlook on life became cynical and dreary. My social relationships deteriorated because no one in the tenth grade wanted to hang around with "Holocaust girl." During the storm, my mother would confiscate my history books and beg me to end my obsession, and I thank her for that even if her tactics didn't really work. Some obsessions bring only misery and compulsion.

Epilogue: I still have an interest in the Holocaust, but I can turn it "on" and "off."

Why is it so wrong to have just one intrest?

If he is enjoying himself, then what is the problem!?

Honestly why is it such a horrible thing that he has found happiness in life?

Leave him alone. He will eventually switch to a new interest and then be quite content with that one.




Again:Parents, STOP HARASSING YOUR CHILDREN!! !! !!

You should have mentioned that in the first post.

Make up a schedule of outings and prepare him for it. Before he goes to bed at night go over it with him. Tell him, he can play whatever until whatever time and then he will have to get ready for you all to go wherever, and will return around whatever time, and then he can play whatever again.

Remind him of this the next morning. In fact, remind him every hour until the last hour before he is supposed to get ready. Then remind him 30 minutes later. Then 15 minutes later, but at the 30 minute mark you should be helping him get ready.

Every minute you are delayed by him from leaving is another minute he does not get to do whatever it is he wants to do, and make it clear you will enforce that whether you reach your destination or not. You might use minute point tokens so he has a visual idea of the minutes he has the minutes he loses, and you might make a chart of the schedule for him to see when he gets to play and when he must go else where. Keep the outings short at first and stick to your guns. Do not deviate from the plan and always be true to your word.

Do not tack on extra punishments or he will lose sight of things.



As someone with AS, I don't see a problem with this. I do see a problem with people with AS being forced into situations they can't handle.

However he should be given some social skills training as he will likely want to socialize more as he gets older.



Though one should not live vicariously through their children anyway. Whether or not he has friends should be irrelevant to your social life. You should have your own friends. Why not invite a few people over to a BBQ or something? If they have kids, let them bring them. They don't have to play with your son.



Yes but your probably did it in a very unstructured and inconsistent manner. You became emotional and you gave in. You did not properly prepare him and provide a visible framework for him. Am I correct?

I was horribly inflexible as a child and had a huge problem with transitions. My mother was a huge pushover and even though I wasn't trying to be "bad" or oppositional or difficult, sometimes a child with AS can only gauge how serious someone is by how unwilling they are to give up. My mother was inconsistent in punishments and rewards and would give up quite easily so my perception was she was unreliable in her word and so must not have been very serious about it anyway. but I couldn't win with my father because he was more stubborn than me. I KNEW when he meant business. If he said he would take something away, he would, and I wouldn't get it back until I met the terms he set forth, or he went to work and my mother found it and gave it back to me. At which point, I'd get it taken away when my father came home again.

But anyway, children with AS need consistent parents who communicate clearly.

This is a good idea, I would add to it by saying discuss your needs with him and explain we all have needs and you want to help him meet what he needs and wants and he needs to do the same thing.



I'd never do this here. I'd never need to. I've taught my child to respect me as a human being. I'm sure glad my son doesn't take something away that I like every single minute I fail to do his bidding. I think your suggestion is a terrible idea. What a way to ingrain anxiety disorder into children who are already profoundly anxious and who might eventually develop suicidal ideation based on anxiety and depressive illness. ONE MORE MINUTE GONE! YOU WILL NOT DO WHAT I SAY! YOU WILL NOT HAVE WHAT YOU WANT! YOU WILL NOT HAVE YOUR HAPPINESS! ONE MORE MINUTE OF HAPPINESS GONE! AND ANOTHER! AND ANOTHER! AND ANOTHER MINUTE GONE! I have a panic attack just thinking about it. I think that borders on abuse and most especially when it comes to children on the spectrum, sorry.

I do agree with you that kids (all kids) need consistent parents who communicate clearly and I agree that kids with AS need that the most.




Why don't people want to come over?

Actually the token thing is commonly used in classrooms catering to children on the spectrum, and seems quite successful.

Because the tokens represent something the children want, and they are physical objects that can be seen, touched and held, it seems to give them a way to solidify concepts that would otherwise be difficult for them to comprehend.

http://www.polyxo.com/visualsupport/tokeneconomies.html

It really represents everything I'm against in both parenting and life. I've never used any system of bribery or tokenry and don't believe in it full stop. I teach my child about time with time tools (timers, hourglasses, etc.). Teaching children to do what is fair and right should never involve bribery or tokenry. I believe in natural consequences and teaching natural consequences. I have a fairly "radical" parenting style that includes treating my child like a human being and not a puppy who gets a biscuit if he does the "right" (my perception) thing or gets put in the doghouse if he does the "wrong" (my perception) thing. We make agreements together. Natural consequences might include not being able to go to a shop he would like to visit when we go to the shops because he took too much time doing X and now I have to be home to make dinner. Natural consequences might include not having enough time for a full chapter of his favourite book at bedtime because he made a choice to stay on the computer instead of listening. But you know what? Those things hardly ever happen because he listens to me. He listens to me because I listen to him. Funny how that works out.

Tokenry is totally unnatural and weird to me and teaches all the wrong values as far as I'm concerned eg. you "get" something if you do what I want you to do. Manipulative and icky and not where I want to be in life and most certainly not where I want my child to be. I want him to learn to do the right and fair thing because it's the right and fair thing to do.

You are entitled to teach your children in the way you feel best, and some children may respond well to that way, but others may not.

I do not think your method would have worked with me. I had severe dyscalculia when I was younger and clocks were difficult to read and really didn't give me much information. It was a very abstract representation of time for me. And I think I would have been fixated on the sand flowing in the hour glass and likely would have gotten lost in it.

I don't see the token system as bribery. I see it as making an intangible concept tangible. While humans generally have varying perspectives on things, I think there can be larger differences in the perspectives between people on the spectrum and NT's. My NT sister and I get into debates all the time because we perceive things in vastly different ways.

I also learn in such a way that it was impossible for me to learn the way they taught things in elementary school jr. high and highschool. I stopped going to school and figured out how to teach myself.

I need certain concepts to be represented by visual models, which have to be drawn in a way that I can get my bearings about them. Once I figured out how to do this I started to excel in things I thought I was bad it.

I wasn't bad at them, it's just that most individuals do not understand the AS ways of learning.

But as I said, what works for your child works for your child.

Can we stop accusing the OP of child abuse????? She is a desperate woman trying to raise a child with severe Asperger's, not a monster.

NEWS FLASH: special interests are not always an endless fountain of joy for autistic children and their families! Back in special ed, I knew aspies who had obesity and vitamin D deficiency from playing video games like the OP's son does. Their grades were terrible. They did not want to go to college because it would interrupt their gaming. They would be unemployable even in the video game industry because they lacked interest in actual programming and the graphic arts. If their gaming was interrupted, they threw dramatic physical tantrums (we are talking about guys in their late teens here). Their lives, their talents, and their developmental progression had been swallowed up by the games, and their parents let them continue on the basis of "it makes them happy and I am too tired to get involved."

Letting the child do what they want leads to happiness and employment: the biggest con of Asperger's parenting. Sometimes I want to do things that make me unhappy. I want to stay on WP all day when I need to be outside for at least an hour to be happy and healthy. I want to read about the Holocaust when I need to read about...God, anything else to be happy and healthy. I want to eat twelve donuts when...you get the idea.

Final note: when Temple Grandin was young, the teachers at her boarding school would take away her horseback riding privileges when she misbehaved, and look what a cautionary tale she turned out to be.

I use a timer (actually my son uses a timer, his choice) because he is still learning to tell times.

I agree with you regarding perspective and generally everything else. We are also an unusual household because neither myself nor my son are NT. I experienced quite a bit of what he experiences when I was a child, and I haven't forgotten what most of that feels like. I also grew up in a VERY strict and religious household, which ours is not at all.

Everyone is a lovely snowflake of individuality, though, and people do have to do what works best for their family. I can respect that.