Kindergarten: Help!

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My four yearold is just shy of the age cutoff date for kindergarten. She is bright and I would say gifted, but her behavior at home makes me wonder if she needs to wait another year emotionally. My husband does not agree which makes it a bit difficult.

If she is told to stop her games or video, get her bath, get ready to go somewhere it can be a problem. For instance unless she cannot wait to leave she will say she is sleepy, no, I'm staying home or you go I'm staying home.

Just moments ago she started pulling on me, she raised her hand to slap which is usually light if she does and she has even headbutted me a few times when upset. I've tried everything to deal with this behavior to make her understand it is not appropriate and we cannot seem to get passed it.

When she is happy and content she is fun, giggly and normal, but duck when she is behaving contrary or is angry for being disciplined ect. She is a great kid in the right mood. We've no complaints from her Sunday school teachers and so far she seems to behave farily well in stores ect. Really I cannot figure this out....

I am the main caretaker as my husband has a stressful job that keeps him occupied and busy. So I don't know if he would feel the same about her starting kindegarten if he was the stay at home parent. I do wonder if he would see things differently if she reacted physically to him as she does towards me when upset.

So how do you when they will handle the public with reason and act out at home? Or carry on this same type of problem behavior when in all day school setting?

my oldest beat the cutoff date by 5 days, literally. his birthday is august 26th, cutoff at that school was aug 31st. for us there was no debate as we wanted him to have the socialization and to get into speech therapy. at the end of the year, his teacher felt he was still too immature to go on to first grade, so he did a second year of kindergarten.

we have no regrets on the course we took. the first year did a lot for him in regards to speech and socialization, the second year he genuinely needed because he was still more immature than the other kids in his first K class. even if he had gone on to first grade after one year of K, i think eventually he would have caught up, but that extra year gave him time to mature both emotionally and socially.

when we moved, at the new school our second son missed the cutoff date by 20 days. for him, that was a tragedy, not because he needed the socialization in the same way, but because he NEEDS to be around other kids. he is our social butterfly, a fast learner, and was ready for school beyond what his age implied.

so we've been in both situations, making the cutoff with a child who isnt ready, and missing it with a child who is. i would much rather be in the first situation.

you dont say whether she is on the spectrum or not. for my youngest, our aspie whom we thought would have trouble at school, his first year of preschool went great. we had issues with drop off time, but once his parents were out of sight he was fine. he was only diagnosed towards the end of the year, but we got him into school at 3 1/2 because of obvious autistic traits. he has made leaps and bounds in speech and language, started talking to other kids and even parallel plays, neither of which he ever did before this year. i am thankful we are poor enough to get him into Head Start =) we couldnt afford private preschool and he has really flourished in school.

Kindergarten isnt prison, so once shes in, there is nothing saying she has to stay or for how long. i would consider putting her in K on a trial basis and seeing how she does. she may be obviously unready and need to be pulled out, she may need a second year, or she may surprise you both and do fabulous.

azurecrayon is right, you won't know until you try it. If pre-school is not an option, then I don't see why you shouldn't try kindergarten. It will be demanding for her. Your daugther sounds a lot like my DS, happy as a clam as long as no expectations are being put on him, he laughs and hugs and spontaneously tells me he loves me. When asked to do something or go somewhere he does not want to or is not ready to, watch out! He's much better now after the time he spent at pre-school last year where they were alerted to his autistic traits. This led to a diagnosis and interventions being put in place at school and at home. If you already have a diagnosis and are planning to pursue kindergarten be sure you have an IEP in place and have had discussions with the teacher(s) and other personell. If it turns out to be too much for her, you can pull her out, look for other options such as part day pre-school and try again next year.

I found Azurecrayon's experience interesting, because I tend to hear more of the opposite: lot's of regrets of letting kids start when they weren't sure they were emotionally ready, and few regrets from those who held back.

My NT daughter was a fall birthday, but well within the cut off, so she started K at age 4. Every fall since we have a difficult adjustment period while she tries to catch up to her peers, who have developed socially over the summer in a way she has not. She sees the difference and she cares, but once she had started K there was no holding back because she was also aware of the social cost of being the kid who didn't move on. I think we should have waited. Academically, she is a star, although once again the developmental maturity can sometimes be behind for things like homework volume. We had a nice pre-K set up where she could have done K at the preschool, and repeated in the elementary school (or gone straight to 1st), but I just didn't want to spend the money (the pre-school being private).

I wonder how AS changes all that. Having a child who will never be on the same level socially and developmentally, but may really need the academic stimulation. Different issues altogether, really, and maybe much of it can be addressed in an IEP.

Pook, much of what you wrote sounds like issues with transitions. While all preschoolers have them, it is a larger issue with AS kids. A well informed school should be able to handle it, creating an adequate process for transitions. I think I worry more about other issues than that one, when it comes to readiness for school.

Im going to assume you are talking about an Aspie child.

This is my view on it.

You could wait another year but her behaviour may well be the same then. For an aspie person.. emotional development may not change much at all in a year. We dont change as normal people do and things take FAR LONGER. My Aspie daughter was still doing the things you describe your daughter doing to you (not headbutting thou but other agressive behaviours when situations werent as she wanted them), when a teen, she never grew out of them.

Sending her to kindergarten will give her more opportunities to learn socialisation skills and get her familiar with some of the children (even if she dont go and make friends, she can learn to feel more comfortable even if she just views them as familiar like objects to be around).

You also dont know how things will be until it's tried so hard to say how that will go. My Aspie daughter used to act terribly with me (hitting, screaming, breaking things etc etc, she even put holes in my houses wall) but was okay in these respects at kindergarden and school (thou she did bite a few kids at school.. but that was during primary school years). No issues at kindergarden with my daughter but they did have other issues thou at primary school.. eg her wandering off and aware from the school, needing one to one looking after when out playing due to having no danger sense etc.

Sending her to kindergaten now, may give you more time to prepare her for school and more time for her to adjust. (she could have an extra year in kindergaten if needed).

I went to kindergarden at five for a short while but was too impusive and agressive so my parents pulled me out and got me tested for ADHD (AS wasn't around yet) and enrolled me again at six at a diffrent school. I still would have been better off if my parents homeschooled me using an unschooling approach. My mom basically did anyway but I would have been better off if I could have stayed home all the time. Anxiety was also a huge issue for me.

Thnx all for the help and support.

I presume she is Aspie, but has not been tested. I checked into it and so far the cost would not be picked up by our insurance. And we are currently paying off my husband's med tab as he was seriously ill this winter. We are somewhere on the spectrum ourselves.

She had a meltdown today over something simple and said she lightly hit me and then said she would hurt me. Called dh at work and said she should not be allowed to go nana's after this and he said do whatever I thought best...Well it is his family so he should be explaining some of it to them.

The best idea we had was to make it a part day only as she did not deserve to be rewarded for such behavior. But not going at all would upset everyone involved so we comprimised.

I would homeschool, but I am not the best at socializing. That is something my husband excels at and I wish I did not have that deficit. I don't think dd is shy, but it is her aggression that seems to be the biggest hurdle. Somedays I handle it, but today it was so upsetting to hear and see your own child behave like that. Then come say she is sorry and won't do it again.

Today he is still determined to send her, but seeing this more often then he does makes me want to drag my feet even more. I wish we could afford a private churchschool, but they are so costly.

WoW I suppose I'm having a moment today....Sorry

that is a benefit of school to consider also, if you are interested in having her evaluated. the school can do it free of charge. consider whether she needs services such as speech, OT, PT which the school also should provide if on the spectrum. the availability of speech therapy was really one of the main reasons we wanted my oldest to start even tho he barely made the cutoff. he is not dx asd, but his speech was so severely impaired that there was never a question on whether he would qualify for services.

our aspie started preschool last year at 3 1/2, and he has similar issues with aggression. its not malicious, but rather how he expresses his frustration. he is very physical and has gone through the hitting, kicking, headbutting. his physicality is the reason we dont have pets and have put off having a baby even tho we wanted more kids by now. we did talk it over with his teachers before school started so they were aware as it was our main concern with him entering school. surprisingly, he has had NO behavior issues at all this past year. they had some issues with small meltdowns during transitions, but behaviorally he has done wonderfully.

Last edited by azurecrayon on 23 Jul 2010, 10:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Children behave differently when their parents aren't around. You can enroll her in kindergarten and if it doesn't work out, put her back in pre-school.

My daughter thrives when she is in school. The school and the teacher are very structured, and she needs structure. Also, school gives her a break from constantly pushing my buttons and searching for cracks in my foundation. Not only is this good for her (less negative attention seeking) but it gives me time to shore up my foundation so it's not as easy for her to make me crack.

See how school goes. One excellent benefit (if it is a good school) is that you will have either a teacher or a social worker who can help you deal with her negative behaviors.

I don't think there is any way to know for sure how it will go. It depends on what is available for her at school and how they handle her, and how she'll take it. If you're having a hard time paying for evaluation sending her to school could help get some of those questions answered. If she is disruptive at school they are more likely to try to figure out why. It sounds like she could even have ADHD which many schools are getting very good at coping with these days. I don't know your daughter and am only going on your few comments posted here, so take it for what it's worth.

If it goes really badly you can probably pull her out. I don't know what the laws are where you are but here school attendance isn't mandatory till the age of six, and that's only if they turn six by the cut off date.

Our five-year-old will be entering kindergarten next month regardless of his social and emotional difficulties. We are entereing grade school with the notion that if he needs to repeat a grade, then that is okay, but we would rather him enter the school system in hopes that he can get help instead of keeping him in preschool another year without any help. This past year was an extremely difficult year for him, so we are quite nervous about him starting school, full day but we have high hopes for him.

I hear you.

Even my mother doesn't believe that kinders. should stay in school all day and wonders how dd will adjust to that. Been talking to my husband as he has been approached about working at another location necessitating a move so she would start here and then be jerked out to start again at another school. Transitions are not her forte'