just wondering about my dad's communication skills

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I know there was a topic before about parents with AS and I read it with interest, not actually at the time relating it to my own father, but now that I think about it I do wonder, and would be interested in what others think.
My father has always been a puzzle to me. Still together with my mother, happily from what I can see, and they seem to have a good relationship.
Yet growing up , he had really pretty non existant communication skills when it came to my sister and myself, he would not speak naturally; by this I mean there was often silence, and as a result I became silent with him, and shy in his company.
I would often look at other kids with their dads and be envious of their natural, affectionate and loving relationships.
I just couldnt understand why he was so stilted and awkward around me, and it made me be that way around him. He also never showed affection, other than the goodnight kiss.
The only time we talked was when he was helping me with maths homework, (often getting very frustrated with me because I found it so hard) or else we talked about a subject like the workings of my motor scooter, or any topic on which he could share practical knowledge.
Car journeys alone with him were often silent until as I got older and I would searched around desperately for topics to speak about to break the silence. To this day it is like that, I have to think what we can talk about to break the silence.

But the puzzling thing was, that when my brother was born, ten years later, he was never like that with him, and has never been. He has always been natural, affectionate, relaxed and just "normal". I remember once making a remark to my brother about our dad being strange and he couldnt understand what I meant at all, and I realised his experience has always been completely different.
I must just add that my dad always had a social life, he had weekly poker nights, belonged to the mountain club, sailing club, took part in cycling races, and he and my mother would regularly have people over and be invited over. They have more of a social life than I do! He isnt very talkative , more the silent type who speaks when he's something to say, but I know he is well liked and respected amongst their friends.
Now with my own daughter, my dad is also stilted and silent around, (we live in another country so only see him once a year) but it upsets me still, (ANOTHER generation of not talking?) yet with my brothers kids he is so relaxed around (they are in the same country as him so he would see them, also they are very extrovert, sunny natured children ). My daughter has AS but only recently diagnosed. As I said he was also stilted around my sister but it doesnt seem to get to her as much. I feel angry with him for not being a better grandfather to my daughter, but find it hard to say this to him "be more loving, affectionate and TALK to her!"

Since my daughters diagnosis I have thought my two uncles, probably have AS as they've always been odd and fairly anti social . When I said this to my mother she thought I was right. I'm not quite sure how she would react to a query re him, we have never really spoken about my dad being awkward around us (sister and myself). Just dont know. I also feel the years are passing and I would like to have better relationship with him, I love him and know that he loves me , but unless I do something about it we are going to have no communication till the day he dies! What does anybody think?

Your description sounds very much like my own dad, who I think has mild subclinical AS (undiagnosed). He is also awkward and stilted around me, which is sad. But I notice he isn't that way with most people, like his friends. I think it comes down to personality clashes, or at least lack of clickiness. Just like he makes you feel uncomfortable, you probably make him uncomfortable. And when he is uncomfortable his awkwardness goes up because he may have some underlying social / communication problems there.

I don't know if you can change the dynamics. I personally don't care anymore that I'm not close to my father, I can't miss what I never had. But it always surprises me when I see other fathers being affectionate and relaxed with their kids. I have no idea what a healthy father - children relationship is really.

He may have a trait or two, but everybody has a few traits. I think the source of your situation is that he is male, and you are not. You mention that your father and brother get along fine. And this is normal considering how they are both men. Men often get along better with their son's than their daughters. And furthermore, you mention that he doesn't talk much, which is again a very male trait. Most men don't make small talk when riding in cars, that is a mostly female thing.

So, if your father seems somewhat detached, and non conversational, that is because he is male. I'm sure your brother feels that your mother is overly social and makes too much small talk about irrelevant issues when he is trying to drive. You have to remember that there is a difference between men and women, and your father isn't going to be as open and affectionate as your mother.

It is also possible that your father is responding to how those others respond to him. Perhaps he isn't naturally social, but if someone knows how to make him comfortable, he can overcome it. I can be like that; sometimes I'm awkward, sometimes I'm really outgoing. It depends on a variety of things, including my mood, but there are socially gifted people in my life who seem to be able to make me happy almost anywhere; something they know how to do to make me feel comfortable; somehow they know when to be quiet, when to ask, when to joke. If your brother and his kids have that gift, that it would be natural for your dad to respond positively to it. If you and your kids don't have that gift, and your father doesn't, then there is no one to take the first step on the bridge to close the gap.

Sometimes it just "is" that way between people; my father and I were like that, we always had a difficult time connecting, and he was very different with my sister. But it wasn't him or me; it was her that made the difference.

I do have one very fond memory, however, and that is the day my father and I built a fireplace mantel together for the townhouse I had just purchased (by that time I was also aware that men tend to have an easier time connecting over activities than conversation; not that I am a guy, but building is definitely a guy type thing). Everything about doing that together was so natural and warm ... he knew it, too, and how different it was for us. I'm really glad we had that chance to finally connect.

Hi, yes sorry was away for a week after posting that. DW what you said resounds with me, I'm sure thats the case with my dad. Funny you sound like me, I can also be like that, very awkward and overly self concious around other shy awkward people and positively outgoing if people and conversation interest me. Good to get these insights, thanks.