play with peers

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My 6yo son has many issues playing with peers. He does better with kids a few years younger or older...but even has issues when those kids decide they dont want to play his games or follow his lead.

My son is high functioning Aspergers, above average communication and intelligence, but cannot figure out when a kid is crying they dont like what you are doing. I feel like his shadow when he plays, I have to constantly tell him what the other child is feeling or saying to him, and even though I do that for him, he STILL doesnt get it. If I am not close by to intervene, my son can get physical with kids, trying to force them to comply with him. Or he likes to tickle little kids and knock them over laughing, and will continue to do so even if the kid is trying to get away, crying, etc...

I am just at a loss. I want him to socialize, HE wants to play with the kids, he just has NO IDEA how to go about it. he is in 3 different social skills programs for a total of 4x a week, and his tons of activities...but freeplay is our downfall, and the skills he learns in group he cannot carry over into the real world. His tone of voice is too loud, he gets like a stickler enforcing rules and regulations on other kids, he tells on kids if they dont folllow a rule, everything must be his way, these are a few reasons his age peers have issues with him.

Any ideas? We have been pointing out other peoples facial expressions and body language to him forever. We give him the opprotunity to figure it out himself, "So and So is crying and walking away, what do you think that means? How does he feel? What did you do before he started crying? What shoudl you say to him?" and on and on and on...he has YET to get it in the setting. We point out the other kids in the room, what are they doing? the volume of their voices, etc etc etc...he NEVER GETS IT!! !

What can I do to help my son?

Can you find a group of older kids for him to play with? I think maybe socializing with kids who will be more tolerant than 6-year-olds will be kind of like "training wheels."

Social skill building is a long process with a lot of variables. No matter what you're doing (and it sounds like you're doing the right things) it will take time for him to figure out how to put it into practice in real-time. I know we get a lot of messages not to be "helicopter parents," but that may well be what your son needs right now (I remember those days! I was so afraid I was "smothering," since I had no idea what was going on but wanted to keep everyone safe.) I don't know if you can ask for respite care, but having a trained professional model helping him through social situations might be useful. You might be surprised at how well you're doing.

One rule we taught my son: spelling out S-T-O-P means the game is really, really over and you have to stop right then. Teaching your son this rule, and then teaching it to the kids he tickles may be helpful.

It sounds like he's not ready to "fly solo" yet. He still needs your guidance. The things you are doing are all right. The only suggestions I can think of are to have play dates with just one other child and you close by so you can help him out. Make sure his "cup is full" before the play date. For us this would mean that DS has done lots of sensory diet activities so he is feeling at his best. And keep the play dates short. I think success breeds success. Having a good interaction, even if it is only for a short amount of time, might have a real positive impact on him. After a successful interaction, talk about what went right and how he could apply that next time he has a friend over.

Maybe some social stories and video modeling? Going over "rules" in different ways, and then a quick review before play.

Thanks for the ideas! I really like the S-T-O-P idea! I actually made a STOP sign and hung it on our front door, it reads "STOP do not open the door, go get mom or dad. Do not go outside, go get mom or dad" and this sign ENDED my son just leaving the house alone. Nevemind that I have told him 8 million times the rules of the front door, he would open it to strangers or just decide he needed to go outside and go alone without telling anyone. He now will ask me ifhe can open the door when the bell rings for family, etc...I am fine with that casue he is folowing the rule! Maybe a STOP sign for play! LOVE this idea

Also for keeping it to 1 kid and short time frame. I am sure that will help too.

I am absolutely a helicopter parent and HAVE to. My son has the emotions and behaviors of a 2yo, even though he is 6. He still needs CONSTANT supervision, and I mean CONSTANT. the other day he was playing rough with his sister and popped her elbow out of the joint...AGAIN! I was out of the room for 30 seconds...that is all it takes for something to happen.

I just feel so deflated when we leave playdates, like why do I even try?

You're lucky you know what's going on. The situations as you describe were the beginning of us knowing something was really up.

It sounds like perhaps your son's vocabulary is above average, but maybe not communication. That is what gets our kids into trouble. People expect that they are such great talkers and so expressive, that they should be able to communicate whats up for them and receive communication from the other kids. Unfortunately, thats were the problems start.

I dont have great suggestions, but I can say that staying close is a good idea. I don't think that too much p,aging with the you ger kids will help with skill development (but may be fun, so good for that).

I think 6 is pretty young to expect one of our kids to "get it" but the earlier you start, the better shape he'll be in over the long haul.

<<<<<THIS!! !!

We monitored for a long time. We also found one on one was better than three.

I also found that structured outings, where the kids weren't left to decide among themselves what to do, went better. We did some really fun things in the interest of facilitating my son's friendships!

It does seem like it takes forever, but they WILL learn and improve. just ... They will always be behind their peers, you have to be ready for that.

As usual, I agree with what Bombaloo said.

It will get better with time. 6 was diffuclt in this regard but you are doing the right things to constantly lead the play.

At age 8 things are better with my daughter. I was watching her play with a girl yesterday. The girl wanted to play "let's make believe we're..." and while my daughter didn't exactly play along, she allowed the girl to take her by the wrist (the girl was trying to hold her hand-so cute!) and walked around with her while the girl played. This is in contrast to the controlled play or singular (self involved)play she engaged in at age 6-just like you are describing. And I constantly had to moderate all play up till about a year ago (sometimes I still do but definitely not as often).

As far as him playing rough and not understanding when the other kid is hurt-that's just it-he probably doesn't realize it. You have to constantly make the association for him explicitly-"see how he is crying? That means he doesn't want you to do that." It will take longer for him to make the associations himself as social awareness is more difficult for him but you are teaching him everytime you point it out.