The Middle Child

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This is my first post, and I guess I should share a little about myself and my family so you can get an idea of what we're going through. When I was growing up, I had a very difficult time in school and was bullied regularly. The teachers were no help an suggested that I brought it on myself by my behavior. I found it harder and harder to fit in. In eighth grade, my teacher sat down with my mom and suggested that I be held back a year (even though I was a straight A student) because I was so emotionally immature. My mother refused, and I went on to high school. It was a little better for me, but I had few friends and I always seemed to be burning bridges with the ones I had. I made it through high school, but my grades were awful because I tried to clown around and act like I wasn't smart so the kids would like me. My brothers were the same, straight A's and gifted classes, but burned out on school around junior high. Both finished as well, but all three of us have severe anxiety issues and I show signs of PTSD.

I married young, had two children, the youngest of who didn't talk or walk until he was almost two, and suffered from diarrhea for his first four years. We went from doctor to doctor and got various diagnoses, toddler diarrhea, metatarsus adductus, even spoiled. When he started to school, he was bullied and made fun of, suffered greatly in class and was miserable. The first grade teacher decided it would be best to place him in a large box at the front of the room, so he wouldn't be distracted, or distract the other kids. I was furious and marched down to the school and threw a fit. A school psychologist was brought in to evaluate him, and by that time, my husband and I had divorced, and he got custody of my son and I had custody of our daughter. My ex didn't want my son labeled, so he fought getting an IEP in place, but fortunately, the school somehow talked him into it. I don't know a lot of the details, because I wasn't allowed to know because of the ex, but when I had my son we'd talk about how school was going. He was in special ed and had help taking tests. Part of the reason my husband got custody was because everyone thought my son was the way he was because I had spoiled him so badly, but I hadn't. I just knew what set him off and tried to protect him from those things...and I knew that if I allowed him to go out and play by himself like other kids, he would wander off. So I watched him like a hawk. All the time. And still he managed to get into things or do things that hurt him. I was exhausted.

When he became a junior, something happened...he just began to blossom. He started journaling and his grades went way up. He decided to leave special ed and mainstream an he excelled. He graduated in the top 5% of his class and went on to join the Navy. He's doing well, but wants to get out and go to college.

During this time, I remarried, had three more children, and was diagnosed with ADD, fibromyalgia, connective tissue disorder, and celiac disease. My third child, was hyperlexic and taught himself to read at three. We knew he was a genius. He had tics and one doctor wanted me to take him to a neurologist, but another doctor said there was nothing wrong with him that he wouldn't outgrow, so that's of course what I wanted to hear. He excelled at everything he did and was able to skip second grade, but by fifth grade, we started noticing his schoolwork was suffering. He hated what he called busywork, and he started making bad grades and being bullied by the other kids. He suffered from depression and anxiety. My now husband didn't want to have him tested because he didn't want him to be looked at as different from the rest of the kids, but he already was. Our doctor tried several medications, but our son refused to take them because he hated the way they made him feel. (I could relate, after taking meds for anxiety, ADD and depression)

He stumbled through the next three years begging to be homeschooled, but my husband thought he needed the socialization school provided. And he thought that it would be difficult to homeschool him, because he was so much smarter than us!

We have a four year old daughter now, that's showing the same signs as our oldest, and several people have asked me if I've had her tested for Aspergers. My husband and I talked it over, and we both decided to go ahead and have them tested. I don't want her going through what my boys, my brother and myself have gone through. I'm fairly sure we're all on the spectrum.

We made an appt. to see a psychologist that works with children and we were there about five minutes when he asked me if I'd ever heard of Aspergers. We talked for a couple of hours and he gave me mountains of paperwork to fill out. It has taken me three weeks, but I'm off to drop off the questionaires today so we can make another appointment.

Sorry for the epic tale, but now I'm getting to my point, lol. My middle son (of the three kids that are still at home) is what I considered to be NT, but after filling out all that paperwork, I'm beginning to wonder about him. He's normally organized and remembers things (doesn't lose them like us), but he's very sensitive and emotional and still, in the fifth grade, cries loudly over the smallest thing. I think I've always compared him to us, instead of comparing him to other kids. He has to sit in the front of the class because he doesn't hear well, or at least that's what we thought, but we talked last night and he said he hears it, it's just that his brain has to unscramble what's being said. I guess I'm wondering how in the world I could have missed that...he's always been quiet and compliant and good natured with plenty of friends and he just, well, kind of got overlooked. Could those two things (auditory processing difficulty and immaturity) be signs of Aspergers as well, or do you think it could be another learning difference? I'll definitely have him seen for it, but I'm ashamed that all these years we just thought he was a little hard of hearing, even though he passes hearing tests.

Thank you,
CCat

My son is 10 years old and entering 5th gade. He was just diagnosed PDD-NOS a few weeks ago...yes, I missed the signs! I don't think those 2 things alone surely indicate Aspergers but there may be other symptoms you have overlooked. You should have him evaluated.

There are auditory processing conditions that are separate from and potentially co-morbid to AS, and now that you have that clue, I would start there. With us, the AS diagnosis was driven by a writing issue co-morbid, and it still is. While knowing the big picture AS is helpful in a dozen ways, understanding the co-morbid was initially the more important key. Just, well, we couldn't get any action on the co-morbid from the school because it wasn't on the "list." AS, however, was. Sorry, I digress ... I would start with the issue you see. Whether or not it leads to other places, you can decide once on the road.

My second child is probably NT but we still don't know. She has some AS traits, definitely some depression traits, and most likely ADD (non-hyper). I don't see anything in that mix that I think the schools should be solving, so we haven't pursued any diagnosis with her. And I don't want to put her on drugs, so we've kept it kind of to ourselves, although I do intend to get her involved with a pediatric psychiatrist just so she has a confidential third party to talk to. I am always on the fence as to if I should be pursuing something "more" with her, because she has this amazing potential mostly thwarted by her inability to stay on task and her ability to go into hours of crying at the drop of a hat, but, I also think that so many of the things "the world" advocates for these conditions are more like short term herding strategies than real solutions. I have a sister who is now considered ADD, and she learned to work around it; she firmly believes that is the better long term solution, and she is already talking to my daughter about it on a regular basis. Point there being .... not everything we see in our kids can be improved with a label, and I hesitate to get labels that won't provide useful results.

If my daughter is AS, as well, it is really mild or very well hidden. Her and I have talked in circles about it, and have pretty much settled on, "some AS traits but probably not enough to be diagnosed AS." There are very clear differences between her and her brother in key areas that leave him impaired, and her not. But, honestly, in a family full of AS (my husband probably being Aspie, as well, and me - see my sig), I never stop trying to play the guessing game. I guess it is only natural.

Auditory processing labels, however, seem to be useful. I've had several friends get various auditory processing labels for their kids, and one did some off the wall sounding music therapy with her child (that she felt got amazing results), and they found that information really useful. It may not be the end of your journey with your child, but it is probably a good place to start.

PS - I do suspect there is quite a bit of AS in your family. If I have it right, no one has yet been diagnosed?

I feel I missed the signs because he is so different from the rest of us. His older brother and younger sister are the squeaky wheels, if you know what I mean. They have difficulty getting along with other kids, don't like noise (unless they're the ones making it), and they have major meltdowns.

Middle son had a lot of trouble when he was a baby, with rashes, ear infections, hurting all over and diarrhea. I took him to several doctors and he was tested for celiac, but they said he didn't have the celiac gene. I put him on a gluten free diet anyway and he started to gain weight and most of his pain went away. He still had a lot of blistery rashes and last year he started to lose his pigment in the rashy patches, so I put him on a GFCF diet and he is slowly healing. No more active rash, and the pigment looks like it might be coming back in places. He definitely appears to have a gluten and casein sensitivity, if not celiac. I always thought he was emotional because he had so many aches and pains and was miserable most of the time with his skin. And I thought he could be hard of hearing because of all the ear infections he'd had.

I struggle with the labeling...I worry that if I don't get them diagnosed that they maybe won't be able to get the help that will help them to succeed. I wish I would have had help. I wanted to go to college, but I had anxiety so bad that I couldn't speak in front of the class. My throat would tighten up and nothing would come out. Or I would forget what I was going to say, or the words just wouldn't form right in my mind. It was terrifying, so I went to trade school instead. I don't want them to go through that! I want them to be able to be whatever they want to.

No one in my family has been diagnosed, but I talked my brothers into taking online "Aspie" quizzes and the results were that we all most likely have AS. One brother was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger and had constant throat clearing and snorting thought to be allergies, but I think they were tics. Both have anxiety issues.

Thank you for the advice. It makes sense to start with the issues that I can see...sometimes I tend to get ahead of myself.

This reminds of what I felt so strongly when we entered the IEP process, and that I remember saying over and over, "it just seems like something is holding him back. He seems so bright and interested, and like he SHOULD be able to do really well in school, but when it comes to actually producing the work - - he can't do it. I want to know how to bridge that gap. I want to know what that gap is." If you have a situation like that, push for more, get all the answers. Every child should be able to thrive. One of the reasons I'm not pushing further investigation with my daughter is because, with her, there is no gap like that.



AS does run in families, and I don't want to discourage you from considering it for your son. Just keep in mind what you want from a label, and what the goal is, and what priority 1 is going to be for now. If he is going to need an IEP, it will take quite a while to make it happen, and you will want it in place before things get more difficult, if you have reason to believe they will for the one child.