The word "discuss"

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This post speaks from both my personal experience and the stuff I've seen in the media. And FYI, it's not a shot at anyone on here. Anyway, is it just me, or do a lot of parents misuse the word "discuss"? In my personal opinion, and I'm sure a lot of young people would concur, is that it gets thrown around way too much. When a parent says "we'll discuss it later", whatever comes later is often nothing like a true discussion. (No need to get into details; anyone who hasn't forgotten what childhood is like will know what I'm talking about.) My question is, why? Is it a metaphor for "I'm going tell you how deeply in trouble you are"? I realize that there are situations where a child simply needs a stern lecture to understand that he/she was wrong. But then why say "discussion", when a parent can just as easily call it by its true name "stern lecture"?

I said what I felt needed to be said. Now, discuss.

I am a parent of a 10 yo PDD-NOS. In my own case, when I use the word discuss, I truly mean discuss in the true form of the word. The problem is that my son will not participate in the discussion.

Generally speaking, yes, when parents say they will discuss it with you later, it means they will talk and you are to say nothing. It is your warning to prepare for a good talking to. They do not use the word properly.

It's politically correct tact-speech. Like when your boss looks at you when he asks for volunteers...he's not asking, and you're not volunteering. They say it so it makes everyone feel better...somehow.

I can't help but see some irony in being politically correct when the parent is about to really let the child have it for misbehaving, be it for something borderline criminal like deliberate vandalism, or something that doesn't even deserve punishment like refusing to eat mashed potatoes. Oh well, such is the society we created for ourselves. There is a very real possibility that I won't be having kids, ever, by choice, but I'm still interested in the psychology behind the expressions commonly used by parents (with "discuss" being one of them).

Well ... you have a valid point. Not much else to say. I also suspect the misuse of the term is extra irritating for Aspies, given how literal most like things.

I will say that I do TRY to make everything with my son a discussion, since true discussion is honestly the best way to teach him, but there probably are times I've done exactly as you posted.

its commonly used as a delay tactic. its not a matter of misusing the word, generally in that situation parents know full well they dont intend to discuss it. you cannot expect that an adult is going to discuss everything with a minor child. sometimes the answer really is "because i said so." and yes, it can be hard for a logical thinker to accept such an answer when they dont know or cant see the logic behind it.

just like, "we'll think about it" often means "absolutely no way is that going to happen, but im not going to tell you that right here in the middle of walmart and have to deal with a meltdown, so i will put it off till later when we are home".

sometimes as a parent, its not just about picking your battles, but about picking where and when your battles will happen.

This statement bothers me on so many levels; in fact, it adds to my belief that the most enjoyable part of being a parent is the power over one's children. (I've actually gotten some fame in the Parents' Discussion forum due to these views.) I can understand an unintentional misuse of the word "discuss" due to the NT/AS differences, but using it with your kid when you actually intend to "really let him/her have it" simply disgusts me. Why? Because you're essentially lying to the child! This is especially true for an aspie child, who will take the word literally, as opposed to an NT child who learned to dismiss it as "something parents say when they're mad at me" (in which case, it wouldn't even be a lie). Now imagine an aspie child, who's expecting a real back-and-forth conversation and/or an opportunity to tell his side of the story, suddenly finding himself bombarded with rapid-fire lectures and rhetorical questions about his behavior.

Come to think of it, now I know why the sea level is rising: it's from the tears I cried during all the "discussions" when I was a kid. So please, instead of using the misleading D-word, man up (for the lack of a better term), show some honesty, and instead say "I'm going to tell you my opinion later, now's not the right time".

On a side note, in Spanish, the word discutir means "argue", which actually makes the false cognate "discuss" not so false, since the "discussions" that take place are essentially one-way arguments. No offense intended; I just like linguistic humor. (By the way, the translation of what "discussing" should be is discutirse de.)

Wow Aspie1, this sounds like one of my rants I was having the other day with my friend, or just about any other one I have when I know I am right.

it sounds like you have a lot of issues from your childhood and how your parents raised you. dont paint all parents with the same brush.

parents do have all the power in the parent-child relationship, thats simple fact. its also fact that some parents do abuse that, but they are by far the minority. for most parents, power isnt something they regularly consider as a factor in their relationship with their child. healthy relationships, whether those are parent-child or romantic partners or friendships, do not involve lording power over someone else. the parent-child relationship DOES sometimes require expression of that power, because children are simply not equipped to make all their own decisions. just last night i exercised that power when i refused to let my son have cookies for dinner. it didnt give me enjoyment, his mini meltdown was pretty draining for me too, but for his health and for consistency, i exerted my power to choose what he was able to eat for dinner, and cookies were not on the list. being a responsible parent sometimes means exercising power over your children.

procreation does not bestow perfection. parents are people, too. i bet most children do not even think about the fact that their parents are individual people with their own hopes, dreams, disappointments, frustrations, neuroses, or even autism. just because you reach a certain age and familial status doesnt mean you lose your former identity and become perfect parents. im not saying this is something children need to consider, nor is it an excuse for poor parenting. but surely, once children grow up into adults, they can look back and consider these things and realize that maybe things werent all so black and white.

i would also hazard a guess that for some parents, at the end of a long day, after dealing with work and family and stressors, after dealing with whatever their child has been up to, whether thats chasing them through half the store or signing off on an F test from school, sometimes that curt "we'll discuss it later" squeezed out through clenched teeth is the best they can do at the moment.