How to talk to husbands

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Now that the roles are switched...
When I was the stay at home parent, I went to great lenghts for my kids to eat a healthy, varied diet with the occasional treat.

Now that my husband is the stay at home parent they eat:
Cold Chex or Corn flake Cereal for breakfast.
Grilled Cheese, Hot dogs, or gluten free pizza for lunch.
Chocolate yogurt for snack
Meat and gluten free bread for dinner.

He buys them toys every time they go to the grocery store, and now says he can't buy vegetables because they run away from him in the store and he can't stand their screaming for toys.

He lets them have things with high fructose corn syrup.

He doesn't read labels, and one of my girls, medically, can't eat gluten.

If he can't handle the grocery shopping, do it for him. We all have our limits. Your household might be a happier place. if he know WHAT he needs to prepare and it's there for him, it might be easier for him. Gotta remember, this is all new for him - BAM, taking care of them 100%. Just because you were able to do grocery shopping and cooking and watching kids, doesn't mean he can. Maybe even write up a meal plan - breakfast, this, lunch, that. And keep it SIMPLE, one that he can learn to do, onlyworking up to more complicated things as he gets the hang of this new role.

Remember, you had years of building up to the job - first one kid, then another. He's going from 0 to 100 overnight.

But your hit on something I was thinking too - how to talk with spouses about kids with special needs. It took me MONTHS for me to convince my husband that EITHER of our kids had problems. When he fully got on board, it became 100%, but it was a process.

So, now I have a spouse who is used to the idea of his kids going to public school - we all did, but what if our younger son just can't get over his anxiety about school. How do you bring up a subject of homeschooling to a dad who believes in public schools? AND... how do you do it if you still need to work at least part time? He's not the "whatever you want dear" kind of guy. He's the "prove this is the best thing for the child with hard facts" kind of guy.

And talking about this stuff with dads does seem to be a problem for a lot of women. Why is that?

heh

i chuckle because almost 3 years ago my house reversed roles as well, and i could post the same thing almost verbatim.

i try to be thankful when i come home and they at least HAVE eaten. it is icing on the cake if they are all wearing clothes and not just sitting around in their underwear (including the full grown kid). i console myself with the knowledge that generations of children have grown up on cold cereal, hot dogs, and yoghurt, mostly without major health issues.

we do the grocery shopping together, helps alleviate some of the issues. i have more control over what they eat and what is purchased that way. we buy fortified cereals. we also keep a plentiful supply of healthy snacks like granola bars, fruit, etc. any treats like popsicles or pudding that we buy are sugar free. if you cant do the shopping with him, can you get him to stick to a list you make for him with specific brands? or use home delivery so you can order yourself, or things like the click-n-pull ordering from sams club?

is your husband autistic by chance? i know my SO has a very hard time with the kids in the grocery store, mainly because he is usually on social/sensory overload himself. another reason we do the shopping together. he too would be buying toys and avoiding the vegie aisle if alone with the kids every trip. anything to keep them quiet and get out as fast as possible.

for the most part, i dont have an issue with how to talk to husbands. i do so loudly and ad nauseum.

what i DO have, is a problem getting him to listen and follow through!

Start by getting him to make the pizzas at home, from scratch. Make it a game to play with the kids - do this on a weekend and involve the whole family. This way you aren't forcing anyone to change WHAT they are eating, but you are changing HOW it is prepared.

ie - Make sure you overdose on the vegetables. You might even get brocolli in there. Remember - make it a game.. everyone gets turns adding a "colourful food item" to it. Or roll dice.... have numbered bowls.

You do need to get the kids used to eating their greens or else they're gonna get gum disease and lose all their teeth Just exaggerating, but really... it is important. PS.. watch out some hotdogs have gluten in them, and most prepared juices (Sunny Delight) have oils and fructose in them.

I have learned over time that I need to just bring up 1 item at a time to talk to my husband about. I haven't always done that, and it has led to many tears and frustration. I also need to talk to him at a time that he is not involved in watching tv or reading. Even though sometimes, I just go ahead and interrupt anyway if I ever want to talk about anything.

Why is it that dad's have so much trouble accepting that anything is going on with their child???? I totally don't get it. Maybe it is because he doesn't see the child around other kids enough to realize that something is up?

2berry, my husband is just like yours, you will just have to chip away at him a little bit at a time if you want him to come around to the homeschooling idea.

I'm laughing too because, in a way, I think all husbands can be like this. Several years ago we had a once a week role reversal and I remember being so mad that my husband didn't feed our baby a "rainbow" of colors during his day home with the baby. My co-worker laughed at me and said be grateful the baby got fed at all.

In general, men usually just don't do it the way moms do it, but that's not always a bad thing. Moms tend to focus on the nurturing and the caretaking while dads often focus on the strength and character building and the fun. When my husband is in charge, my house gets dirty and my kids eat donuts, but they do some fun and educational things that I wouldn't even think of.

This is all just a generalization of course. I'm not saying that moms don't have fun and dads don't feed their kids veggies from time to time, but there is a difference in the way moms and dads parent their kids. Moms and dads don't always have the exact same priorities for their kids.

The deviation from a medically necessary diet is kind of a big thing, though. Is it possible that your husband doesn't agree that the gluten-free diet is indeed medically necessary? It does sound a bit borderline-negligent to give a child something that you know they are allergic to. Maybe if your daughter is old enough she could remind him that she can't have gluten. As far as the high fructose corn syrup goes, I would let it slide. Sure it's not the healthiest of choices, but pick your battles - it's not the end of the world. If their homework's done and their teeth are brushed and their happy, then all is well.

Exactly. It really doesn't matter as much as you think it does. Dads and mums ARE different, it would be really boring if we weren't. (Actually I have a friend who has TRAINED her husband from day 1 to be just the same as her, and tbh it's a bit sad.)

I think it's important that he doesn't give them stuff that makes them sick or that they're allergic to (make him a list of "definitely nots") but after that it can be sort of fun for them to know that dad will let them have stuff you don't. Mine used to love supermarketing with their dad cos he bought all the sugary cereals and weird stuff in tins ! ! And they had fun with him at the shops as opposed to boring trips with me getting "essentials".

It's all about balance, and if you're all happy about your role then you can talk about the important things and be understood.

I like the suggestions of grocery shopping together, and then coming up with a meal plan together that he then sticks to. As far as the not reading labels when your daughter has serious allergy or intolerances, this could be very serious. Maybe you could have the doctor or allergist talk to him about this, so he recognizes its severity and that it isn't just a case of mom being over protective?

And I don't have any concrete suggestions, having never been in the position of my husband being the stay at home while I work, but I just wanted to say, in defense of husbands and men in general as being just as capable when it comes to taking care of children dependent on their own personalities and choices (just as it is for us women), that my husband isn't at all like this. He is the one who is more concerned with the agreed upon rules and routines being observed, and he is every bit as invested in our children's care and health as I am. Does he make mistakes? Yup. (the time when he gave my son a glass of actual champagne instead of the sparkling apple juice that was meant to be served to the kids at Christmas comes to mind!) But so do I, and I know he would take issue with the generalization that all men are difficult to talk to or somehow less competent than women when it comes to childcare.

Also, I am the parent most likely to feed the kids sunbutter and jam sandwiches for supper and have the house in a colossal mess as we work on some madcap project to do with their or my "special interests"!

In my husbands defense; part of the reason for giving them junk food is he knows the gluten free thing is big, and he recognizes that he tends to "skim" labels. I think, and it's just an educated guess here, that he feels more comfortable giving them junk food that is clearly labeled GLUTEN FREE than he feels comfortable giving them healthier food which he would have to read labels on.

Part of him stocking them up on the junk, from what I can figure, is that I saved junky style foods for special days, like Sundays and school holidays. Since he was always home for the junk food, but was at work for most of the feedings I can see how he developed the misconception that gluten free hot dogs are OK 3 times a week.

I just need to give him time, let him learn, and let him make his mistakes.