The word "upset"/"disappointed"

Post Reply New Topic

My previous post about the word "discuss" had relatively little but still noticeable success. This post will be about the use of the word "upset"/"disappointed". They're often used interchangeably, which is why I'm lumping them into one thread. And like before, it's not a shot at anyone on here. I'm sure a lot of young people would concur, is that those words get thrown around way too much. When a parent says "I'm very upset with you" or "I'm very disappointed in you", what does it actually mean? I could never figure out what it meant for me when my parents said that. Based on my reading of their tone of voice, I obviously did something they didn't like, but then what? Is a punishment coming? What kind of punishment? And why are they telling me that instead of giving me a spanking and/or a "discussion". My question is, why do parent use those words? Is it an honest attempt at teaching a child emotions? A metaphor for "You're in so much trouble, but I'm still thinking of the punishment"? Or a euphemism for more direct terms like "angry", "frustrated", or even "p**sed off"? I realize that there are situations where a child makes a parent feel upset/disappointed (with or without quotes). But then why say "upset"/"disappointed", when it can sound confusing to an NT child, and downright bewildering to an aspie child?

I said what I felt needed to be said. Now, discuss.

NT children around the age of 3 or 4 develop a strong desire to please their parents. I think they learn about the general hierarchy of society and realize who they are supposed to look up to. These words in your post are shaming words and shame works pretty well with NT children who have a desire to gain the acceptance of their parents. A good example of this is nose picking. You can say "I am very disappointed in that behavior" and they tend to realize they don't do that behavior in public.

My daughter does want my acceptance and attention but some things she is at the age 3 or 4 age level in not understanding we don't do certain things in public. She has a few behaviors that are socially inappropriate. Using shaming words with her doesn't work. It doesn't change her behavior at all. I can say "we don't do that in public!" but she really doesn't understand why anyone would care if she wants to do that behavior. She doesn't understand the social demands of "fitting in" and gaining the acceptance of others. Using those shaming words with her either can make her extremely agitated. So I am left with redirection, redirection, redirection.

For me, in our household, these words have distinctly different meanings;

Dissapointed is used when I thought I would get one thing and I got another. So if I am expecting a puppy as a gift and I get a goldfish I am dissapointed. Well, when it comes to the kids it is used when I would have expected them to make one choice, but they made another. For instance; for an afternoon snack they chose not to eat yogurt for a snack, I am dissapointed that they choose Ice cream. It is not that I have explicitly said you must not eat ice cream, it is that we have encouraged good choice making and when they make a not as good choice (that has been discussed) I am dissapointed. This is a mild example.

Upset - For me upset is when things have gone wrong, very wrong, and I don't think the kids knew better n&/or it was an accident. Therefore we must have a talk to explain why I am upset and what went wrong. As an example: I am upset when the kids decide to spray paint the dog. It is clear to me that they thought it was OK, and it wasn't. It could really hurt the dog and will be a huge problem to fix. I am upset. I would also be upset if someone crashed the car or burned down the house. I know it wasnt done on purpose, but I am really upset!

MAD - I am mad when we both know what should have happened and the kids intentionally chose to disregard what was right. For instance; name calling - in our family we do not call each other mean names. It is a rule. If one of the kids decides to call me a name,it is likely that I am MAD.

None of these have anything to do with punishment, but there are typically consequences. The first may make me decide to provide an explicit rule if I think the kids aren't making good choices. Upset - we have to figure out how to fix what happened. This could be construed as a punishment, but it isn't, it is repairations. When I'm mad, there is likely to be a consequence that could look like punishment.

Kailuamom's post made things a little clearer. I guess it had more to do with the way my parents used those words, rather than with the ambiguity of the words themselves. When they told me they were upset/disappointed with me, they sounded so angry, that I didn't dare ask for clarification. They could have easily said "I'm very rasstroyen* in you!", and it wouldn't have made one iota of difference. Being an aspie, and thus unable to "magically" figure out the meaning only made things worse for me. I didn't truly "get" the meaning until well into my teens, and as a kid, I never thought about checking the Webster's dictionary.

To add to the confusion, my parents told me I felt upset when they saw me cry. After all, they certainly didn't cry when they were told me they were upset with me. I eventually gave up trying to understand the meaning, and deduced it a some sort of shorthand for "very angry, and will punish you but won't tell you when". Did they cry behind closed doors? Maybe, but I highly doubt it. If anything, it seemed like when they were disappointed with me, their only concern was to make me cry. Hence, the rise in the sea level.
_______
* Rasstroyen - the word for "upset" in the Russian language, used here to show confusion, since most people on WP do not speak Russian. I know it a little from self-study as an adult. (By the way, the same technique is used in the book Clockwork Orange.)

Well, Aspie1, your question prompted me to ask my kids if they knew the difference in the words (from my perspective). My NT 15 y/o knew the difference between dissapointed and angry (or mad) but would lump upset in with angry or mad. He didn't know that I used them differently.

My AS 10 year old looked at me like I had three heads when I asked him if he knew the difference and said, "um not a clue".

Great question. It would never occur to me that this would cause confustion. I'm glad you brought it up. These kinds of questions and posts are super helpful to me. They are always talking about how ASD interferes with the person's ability to see something from another's perspective. Well - I have to agree. It makes it difficult for me to see things from my son's perspective. You are so very helpful at opening my eyes to what some of that perspective might be, or at least some good questions to ask.

BTW - when I am upset, I do often cry. It is quite individual.

For me, it is my attempt to release my anger without yelling or screaming or otherwise being out of control. I can't be productive and effective for my child 100% of the time; sometimes I have to release my own emotions for the sake of my own emotional health. I don't think I'm really considering the impact on the child at that moment, or how they will interpret it, beyond the fact that I know speaking that way is better than many of the other things I might be tempted to hurl in my moment of frustration.

Aspie1, I want to let you know how much I enjoy your posts - for this reason. I'm on this forum to try to gain perspective about my son, who has Aspergers, and who is in some ways difficult to understand. I really appreciate the perspective of the non-parents posting here, which has been incredibly helpful. (not to mention that I got the Clockwork reference right away and am feeling kind of proud for being able to keep up!) It tickles me to no end to find a young person turning the spyglass the other way, and good for you for doing so! I hope you find what you're looking for.

I am wondering: what is your ultimate goal in asking these questions? Are you trying to figure out an appropriate (or at least expected) response? Are you hoping to find a way change your parents' behavior?

My goal is dual. The main goal is finding out what's going on in the parents' minds when they go through typical scenarios that feel unpleasant to aspie children (grocery shopping, asking for a pet, "discussing"* behavior, and hearing complex emotion words, like "upset"). While it's safe to say that most parents don't mean any harm in those situations, it can oftentimes feel the opposite to aspie kids, and some NT kids as well. That goes tenfold if the parent uses the old "because I said so" line as a justification. Case in point: a parent refuses to buy their child a desired snack for $1.99, while buying themselves a jar of coffee for $5.99. I still ask myself "where's the logic!?", and probably will for quite some time.

The secondary goal is showing the first-hand perspective of an aspie child whose first multisyllable word was "miserable", due to the very strict parenting I received. I have a theory, and please don't be offended, that parents get something called "childhood amnesia". After their baby is born, they seem to forget what childhood feels like. Obviously, they understand the process of growing up, but not so much what it's like to actually be a child. Threads like this area meant to restore the memory.

Thank you for your reply. Your perspective is very valuable, and I do appreciate it.

I think it's important to remember that parents are a lot more than their role of parent. They are individuals as well - they have outside jobs, and wants and needs and make mistakes. What they do is not always driven by logic - and even if it is, often the logic is very complex, as it involves addressing the many variables in the big picture of raising children and keeping a home.

For instance, with your coffee/snack scenario - there are any number of factors at play: parents are responsible for teaching you good eating habits - even if they don't have them themselves, parents earn the money to buy the food and therefore can choose how it is spent, coffee is nutritionally different from a snack; coffee may be on the shopping list when snacks are not, coffee offers more servings for the money than the snack in question - and you haven't mentioned if there are other children who want snacks, which makes this whole calculation even more complex, as the needs of each child are unique. To use logic, one has to take time to consider all these things and more.

Often, in this kind of situation, I just buy the coffee and say, "no snack" because that's the best I can do with the time and resources I have. Parenting is a balancing act, and a messy, inexact one.

Those words used to cause me to melt down, all the time, along with these words, "I try to be nice to you, and this is what I get!"

The words of disapointment caused me to hate myself, between the ages 9 and 20, because they were directed at my special interests. My mum stopped using such words the summer that I was 20, in hopes of defuzing the situation.