How do I get him to school???

Post Reply New Topic

ARRRRRGH! I am sitting at my kitchen table, working on my laptop because DS has refused to go to school today. He said he's just not gonna do it.

He hates it there (he's in a self contained ED classroom), he has a great teacher but his classmates are basically a nightmare. I don't blame him for hating the other kids, BUT you still gotta do school. Basically he says that he just wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. When he goes, he doesn't want to work. He thinks that he shouldn't have to go to school. He thinks that if he were to homeschool, that he should be allowed to just learn what he wants. First of all, I work full time. Secondly, he wants to negotiate EVERYTHING - he would never "do" school for me. So even if I had the opportunity (which I don't) I don't think that DS would be a good candidate to be homeschooled.

We talked about how important it is, when you go to a store to be able to figure out the %s. So even if that's not a subject that he's interested in, it is still important. I told him that there are a bunch of subjects like that. He understood, but that doesn't change that he just doesn't wannna.

So anyway, I am working on getting him another placement through his IEP. That said, even if I am successful, a new school is going to expect him to do schoolwork. What do I do with this kid?????

If you can get him in an appropriate placement, things will probably improve without you having to do a whole lot - an ED classroom is a recipe for disaster. An appropriate classroom would be one where a teacher understands how to use your son's areas of interests as building points to teach him the various subjects he needs to learn. It can be done, and it can be done well. Once a teacher/school has earned a student's trust, a student will be more willing to stretch and work outside his original areas of interest, but the school/teacher needs to meet the student where he is first.

Once a child has learned the basics of learning (reading, reading comprehension, basic math), he is learning to learn. The actual content is not as important as nurturing the love of learning and learning how to learn, critical thinking, analytical thinking, etc. That can be done with any topic, and your son's areas of interest can be used for that.

First off, anyone who does homeschooling and does school at home is doing their child a disservice, whether they are NT or AS. The idea of homeschooling to to educate your child in the way that best serves the child and in many times, the current school setup is the issue. I say that as someone who learned to teach himself in many different ways and in fact, refused to do my homework (they could get me to do the work as school however). The funny thing is though, even though I did not do much work in high school, I found I was about 95% ready for college (needed pre-calculus). On top of that, some of the stuff I was forced to learn was not in any way useful (proving a triangle is right). My mother lead me on the path of self-learning when I was put into self-contained ED classes and simply tossed aside as uneducatable.

With that said, a change in placement may help IF the new teacher is willing to teach your son using his interests as a guide and to find a way to have your son see where the lesson being learned places into that interest. If that will not happen, then you are going to have the same issues.

Finally, as far as not going to school, that was never allowed. My mother was the boss (dictator) and we were going to school whether we wanted to or not and that was the end of discussion. Sometimes as parents, we need to lay down the law and get assistance either from our spouses, our family, or even our community to ensure that the rules are followed. Your son will fight you at first, especially since you allowed him to stay home from school in the first place, but if you stand your ground, you will win because the law is on your side.

I have autism and was a teacher for twenty years. I got to work with some fantastic autistic kids. No way to know if these ideas would help your son's issues, but they're what I have to offer.

I found the classroom over-stimulating. Horribly over-stimulating. Just way too much. I needed time away from other kids, so I was absent a lot. I was good at school and I had a stay at home mom, so it wasn't a big deal for me to say I was "sick" a couple of times a month and stay home. Without that, school would have worn me down so much that I couldn't have done it. Are there friends or family members he could occasionally go spend part of the day with?

Maybe overstimulation isn't the main issue with you son, but I bet it's a factor. When I am less over-stimulated, my autism is less noticeable. I don't do the sort of things that attract bullying. If your son is prone to meltdowns, doing things that will make these less frequent, is probably the best thing you can to keep him from being bullied.

I also had a lot of success as a teacher using reduced expectations as a motivational tool. In other words, if he isn't required to be there all of the time, you may get him to agree to be there more of the time than he could otherwise.

Is it realistic for him to able to go to the library, a special ed classroom, or a nurse's office when he is feeling overwhelmed? Would it even be possible to set up an area in his classroom where he could go and stim when he needed to? Is there a place at school he feels safe?

Is there a subject that he could basically skip out on in order to give him a daily break? It's better for him to be able to learn MOST of what he needs to than to try to learn all of it and get so overwhelmed he can't learn anything. This could be something that he's so good at that he could basically learn it on his own or something so challenging for him that he really isn't learning anything, anyway.

My daughter used to refuse to go to school. Unfortunately the #1 rule is never let them out of it or else it will perpetuate the refusal. Now that you've stayed home with him you can explain the concept of a "personal day" and tell him he can have 3 "personal days" (or however many you decide) for the whole year. He's used up one-so he only has 2 left.

You need to get him the proper placement and find a way for him to feel successful and happy at school. I know it is hard-the teachers had to hold my daughter while I left and she paniced everyday because she didn't want to be there. If he needs to do 1/2 days until the new placement or something that will help him adjust then you can do that-but in my daughter's case-the more leniency she had the further she would push. The only thing that worked for us was changing schools and being very proactive from the beginning to entice her and make school a safe, enjoyable place. It's still a struggle. She stated today a girl got in her face and pulled her arm so I have to go try to figure out what went on and make the change so my daughter can see it is safe and we are all working towards an agreeable solution for her.

When my daughter was in the height of her school refusal and I had tried EVERYTHING on earth to change it an art therapist told me to give her lots and lots of attention when she came home. I would rock her and give her tight hugs in the rocking chair and calm her down from the day. I gave her lots of support and affection to combat the anxiety that she was experiencing everyday and it helped. She still refused every morning but she would make it through and at the end of the day she was back in safety and comfort and refueled to face the next day. It didn't solve anything but it stopped our afternoon power struggles and gave her the extra added comfort that mom was going to do everything in her power to help her.

Thanks for the help everyone!

I agree that a better placement is key. I made the formal request yesterday to evaluate options. If they decline, my next step will be an attorney letter. I am not messing around with this for years. I don't have a way to just "pull him out", so I will vigorously fight for what he needs.

I'm not sure that stimuation is exactly the problem, but it is the kids and having to deal with them. He feels like he is on another planet (hey where have I heard that ) They really are a challenge to be around. Unfortunately, DS doesn't have an emotional gauge that tells him he's bugged. He basically just hangs in there until he melts. They totally allow him to take breaks and do what he needs - he just doesn't know what he needs.

Unfortunately we do not have any nearby relatives, so if my DH is on the road (he travels for a living), I have to stay home from work when DS stays home. Work is understanding and I can get things done from home, but it is not ideal.

To those of you who think "staying home is not an option, just make him" either your kids are still small (and you can physically make them) or you don't have kids, or you haven't dealt with real school refusal. My son is 150# and if he doesn't want to go somewhere, he won't go. Now, there is a school of thought of bringing the police in or something of that sort, but that would not be OK in my book. I don't think additional trauma would be helpful.

FYI - When he stays home, there are no priveleges. All of his special interests are computer related, so not going online or playing video games is not a pleasant consequence for him. It was a 2 meltdown morning. What happens is DS will get upset and start with basic tantrum behavior, but then it escallates to a meltdown level.

And homeschooling... I wouldn't want to replicate school at home. BUT - I have some ideas about what is needed in the world. You can totally revolve the assignments around a special interest - BUT there would still need to be assignments. that is where I see the issue - DS won't do that type of thing for me.

Yikes, that changes things considerably. I have a 45 pound daughter so I don't have that issue. I would not call the police either. However, maybe you can make some type of "deal" with him or put some kind of incentive on going.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. School refusal was one of the toughest things I have had to deal with with my daughter. We don't like feeling we are sending them off to a place that is not healthy or appropriate especially when they let us know just how much they hate it. I hope tomorrow goes better!

When my brother was 13 he started to refuse going to school. My mom would drop him off in the morning, he would walk home. After awhile of this, the school calls that truancy and then the state gets involved. The ONLY way he could stay at home with family, was if he went into a psychiatric ward of a hospital for an eval for something like 3 days. if he came out and get the right treatment and started to go back to school, that would end the ordeal. if not, he would be taken away by the state.

My mom's solution was to change schools for him. (I think he was being bullied or hated his teachers). She pulled him out, put him in a parochial school and then he was OK for that year. next year, he went to the public school, but across town - as the school allowed for it.

My guess is something is going on at the school that is wanting him to avoid it at all cost. Try to figure out what it is and get it fixed.

Clearly he is upset at the current placement, no private school will take him unless it's through the IEP process. Because he is so upset already I am not willing to add trauma to the issue, nor getting the "state" involved with my parenting decision making. I don't want someone who only knows my kids through reports of others making my decisions. Typically, this would include putting the child in a placement with MORE CD or ODD kids.

I am the queen of deal making and DS is the prince. However, I think the feelings he has about going to school are bigger than any prize I can give.

Update - I think he got re-charged by staying home. He went to school today with no problem. Hopefully we can get through the week with no drama

I did not read closely enough, and I'm from Oregon where ED is always SED, so I misunderstood your son's placement. Sorry.

Is there anything at school that he enjoys or is motivating for him? I don't know your son's abilities or what kinds of resources might be available, but adding an experience to his school day that he finds value in would, obviously, give him a reason to go.

Is there any possibility of building into his schedule something that would put him around a group of kids that he would enjoy being around? Are there any school clubs or activities that would interest him or would be likely to accept him? Is there a music class he could be part of?

Is there a student mentor program at your school? Two teachers who might be resources are the person who does student government and the person who does service learning, if such programs exist at your school. Those people tend to interested in finding opportunities for NT to do good stuff. A group of kids who would agree to get some coaching on how to interact successfully with your son, then have lunch with him once a week?

Maybe he can tell you something that happens at school that he would like to be a part of. Maybe there's a way to make something like it happen for him. Don't be afraid to contact regular ed teachers who run programs your son is interested in to find out from them if there is any way of including him-- many will be scared but many will want the chance.

Vector - I bet you were an awesome, thoughtful and caring teacher!

We are just really in a pickle.... During the mist recent IEP meeting, I addressed the issue that he needs something to like there. He needs some exposure to other kids. We talked about him even volunteering in the Kinder class to read to the little ones - anything to make him feel connected and give him a little joy. There was agreement and all sorts of ideas on how to make that happen. The meeting was 9/23, nothing has happened in this regard as of this AM.

Unfortunately, this special ed program is not in our neighborhood school, rather the school in the very worst part of town. this area is riddled with gangs and crime. I am not particularly interested in him participating in any of the outside of school activities. The school is basically 100% economicaly disadvantaged, and the basic peer influence is not particularly OK for an AS student. (the teachers on the other hand are totally committed and wonderful, they really have a pattion for working with kids in need).

The fact that DS has left the campus twice and refused school once in the last 9 school days, is absolutely reflecting his upset with the placement altogether. If the distrist doesn't concur, they will hear from my attorney next. I have leaned not to threaten, but to act.

I have autism. I was an immature, disorganized, marginally competent teacher. But I meant well.

I will guess that nothing will happen on a special opportunity like reading to kids unless you take some initiative. Ask what you can do to get the ball rolling. Call or email every other day on something like this-- never complaining, just expressing your willingness to help and your son's enthusiasm. Document every contact-- what you said, what was promised, etc. Then you have something to approach an attorney with.

It's a really frustrating situation, and I'm sorry you're in it.

I'm another who never had the 150 pound child. Both still far quite a ways short of that. I do remember being panicked when my son was in 4th grade and not willing to do things I asked, and having lots of meltdowns. How was I supposed to manage if he got bigger? I pushed and pushed for something "different" from the school at the time, and after everyone sitting dead quiet at a meeting, the psychologist spoke up and said that he didn't know if it would help, and that the service was really difficult to get, but he would write a referral. That was just one ball of many that ended up making some real changes, and I still breathe this huge sigh of relief, that we caught it just in time. I don't know what I would do if things hadn't improved before he got bigger and stronger, and I really really sympathize with your situation. You are going to have to solve it at it's core, whatever that may be, and that will be no easy task.