scolding

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Should a parent scold a child for aspie behavior? My daughter and I have a debate over my granddaughter. We are sure we are both aspies and hope to get tested soon. She has a six year old and a two year old, and the six year old is a bit like us. My daughter is scared to death the six year old will get teased and have a hard time of it unless she corrects it right now. I feel we should wait for a diagnosis. I worry yelling at her will hurt her self esteem,and that we shouldn't scold her for just acting "odd" especially since she does'nt seem to be doing it on purpose. I think she's a pretty good kid, and I think criticism is making her nervous. I don't think she is a big behavior problem, myself. I care for both children almost every day and have taken care of many others. I would say she's on the good side. The two year old has huge tantrums but heck, she's two. Is there anything else I should do other than get everyone tested? I love all three of them and want to help them.

i suppose it depends on what behaviors you're wanting to extinguish~ some behaviors can't be changed all that much ( hand-flapping, rocking)....in some cases they decrease over time as the individual learns to cope with stressors in a more "socially appropriate manner".....i have scolded my son for the same sorts of things i would scold my NT son for, but then again my aspie son is on the high end of the spectrum....i certainly wouldn't expect one of my students ( who is on the low end of the spectrum) to live by the same expectations...

I want to say no because I got scolded a fair amount and it affected my self esteem pretty badly, but I can't in all honesty outright reject the thought.

I'm a firm believer in positive reinforcement over negative.


Also, it really depends on what the behavoir is. If they're just being "eccentric" their may not neccesarily be anything wrong with it. If it's something that you feel is innapropriate in a given context, try and get it across in that way, if it's possible.


As a purely random example, let's say wearing ones pants on their torso and their legs through ones shirt. While odd, I don't see that their is a problem with this. However it would not be appropriate to say go to school like that. And now that I think about it, I'm not sure what specifically about such a situation strikes me as inappropriate. Let's say the problem is that it could result in trouble with the shape of their bones instead.

One should then find a way to explain that (it'd take some creativity). Then you could allow them to wear special shirts/pants which would not cause permanent deformities.


For behavoir that you're worried about in a social context, you may want to come up with some pretty in depth and complicated scenarios. It might be helpful to seek some professional help in this. Because an ideal approach would be to take several basic concepts (like 'sharing'), and from those build to more complicated ideas (how to negotiate). Role Playing Games could be helpful too. I wouldn't rule them out entirely simply because of age, most of us Aspies are extremely good with critical thinking skills. Though they are probably a bit too young now.



So, under the assumption that 'Aspie behavoir' is just eccenctricity, I'm going to say not only should you scold them, but encourage them. They are likely to learn more, and generally be better people.


Of course if they're doing something dangerous though it's an entirely different story. Keeping them alive is the most important thing.

If they're being very hyperactive, scolding them might be appropriate.



And because this seemed to evolve into something gigantic, I figure I may as well add that you might want to consider having your kids get into Martial Arts. Not even so much for the self defense part (being able to deal with bullies is always a plus). If you can find a good martial arts instructor, they might get some good philosphy as a bonus. It could really help build a lot of inner strength. Again, the physical part is secondary.


Hope that helps.

We try not to scold, but we do spend a ton of time teaching. We try to help him understand his actions, sometimes we have to wait until the storm blows over before we can discuss it.

"The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene helped us a lot and it's not specific to Asperger's or ADHD since not all of these kids are explosive. The book did help us deal with situations and strategize together as a family on how to handle situations.

A diagnosis isn't going to change the child or yourselves. It did help us understand - oh, okay, he's _supposed_ to be this way. Now we feel we can more effectively teach him coping mechanisms.

Also, any kind of scolding or punishment is going to get repeated right back at me. It proved to me that he doesn't fully understand the why of the correction. That's what led us to do more teaching and explaining.

I grew up being scolded all the time for "being in my own world" and for all the other usuals aspies get. Yet, I remember just being confused, not hurt. "What does that mean?" I'd wonder, being in my own little world.

Later in my life, my parents realized what the problem was and stopped criticizing me all the time. However, I am certain that, without that constant feedback, as aggressive and sometimes momentarily hurtful as it was, I'd be a lot worse and not be able to hold down a job. I think we need constant feedback just to learn what so many others know instinctively.

The Explosive Child is a great book. So is Raising Your Spirited Child by Kurcinka. It is all about the balancing act between accomodating your kids needs and helping them become better able to fuction in the outside world.

Thanks, everyone . This gives me more to go on. Also I should have been more specific that what my daughter objects to is more in the neighborhood of zoning out, not approaching other kids to socialize, getting directions confused unless they are very specific, and sometimes a sort of aimless flailing around. She's a little impulsive but seems to be trying to listen when told about it. Also she has been known to repeat nonesense sounds when she's stressed. My daughter's idea of scolding tends to be negative put downs and yelling, and telling her she's bad. I lean more in the direction of positve approaches and I do like to compliment good behavior. My daughter thinks I am too lenient, but I try not to let actual misbehavior go-I just don't believe in being harsh about accidental stuff. I think she's trying hard to please her mom. I grew up with heavy duty scolding, too, and I will never forget it. I remember wondering what I did wrong and why I was such a worthless person. I worry that in trying to make my granddaughter act "normal" that my daughter will mess up their relationship and make her daughter feel like I used to. We argue about it sometimes.

most of what you say, lae, for my household falls under normal aspie behavior ~ i wouldn't be scolding for that...and when i say scolding, it usually sounds something like: " that was wrong because..., take some space for _ minutes..."...i think one of the most important things to understand is that children in general don't always understand why they're being punished
( aspie or NT). i have always tried to put an explanation with the punishment . i try to keep my explanations quite short once they're in the midst of a meltdown~ i know they're too geared up to really listen.once they're calmer, we sit together and discuss what happened & how they could change the situation to make it better next time.....punishment for our household is usually just taking space...sometimes, i have assigned my older sons community service to be done over a period of time once they've calmed down ( not until the next day)

There's also a lot to be said for degree. A firm, but not outright vicious response I can see as being reasonable on occasion.

I think an aspie kid might get teased a fair bit anyway - so it might be better to teach strategies for dealing with the teasing itself. I'd have liked more careful explanations about kids who like to persecute people who are different - like it's wrong, unfair and often unavoidable and dobbing (telling a teacher) can make it worse - but telling mum or dad should help - because you can teach your child what to do in those situations where a teacher may not be able to help or even understand there is a problem. I'd have liked more help about safe places to go when you're being teased - like the school library or the local shop.

I think it may have been helpful if I had learned the line "sorry I upset you" much younger too, and how to recognise "upset" signs. It's nice and vague and doesn't require that you know what it is that you did that was upsetting.

Scolding for naturally aspie behavour is humiliating for scolder and scolded. Explaining why it might not be socially appropriate in public - at school, the shops or in front of strangers might be better.

Mum had to really carefully explain that sometimes I needed to do what she said when she said without asking why every time. Just in case I was in the way of something dangerous that she couldn't stop, like a runaway train or a falling wall.

I also got taken to school once in my PJs because I wouldn't get dressed in time. That only happened once.

Scolding for dangerous behaviour - is possibly a good idea. Humiliation can go a long way to correct dodgy behaviour. But far better more often is positive encouragement for when we get it right. And detailed description of what is required to get it right, along with the proviso that we are not the enforcer of right on everyone else, that there may be other paths to getting it right. And people who get it wrong may have enough problems of their own with out us insisting they do the right thing our way. I find it helps to think that about people who park in handicapped spaces when they don't seem to be physically handicapped.

No scolding. Proper guidance.
Like Heinlein wrote if you just beat a puppy who have pissed on the floor, it will not understand why it is being punished.
You must bring it to the scene of the crime, let it smell the urine, then scold/beat it. That way it'll associate pissing on the carpet with being scolded/beaten.

There's something to be said for that.
I were always scolded when I were young because "I looked guilty", when I never actually did anything wrong, and that didn't exactly make me more social, but only made me more scared of this weird world that I couldn't understand.

You should explain to him what he have done wrong and why it is wrong to do so, and how other people feel about it, and that it's not good for them nor him that they feel that way, and that he shouldn't do that again.
You should be very precise, because most probably, like the puppy, he has no idea that he did something wrong and what was wrong with it.

Be careful what you say if you scold, and where you place the blame. My parents didn't know I was an aspie, so I was pretty much ripped a new one and blatantly blamed for behaviors that I simply couldn't control, and I consequently spent most of my childhood severely depressed. Positive reinforcement is good because it doesn't carry the shame over being oneself that scolding and punishment do.

But I guess it depends on how you define scolding. If you're telling a child, "You can't do this at school because it's bad!", it's going to be taken differently than, "You can't do this at school because it will make intolerant people be mean to you," or "You can't do this because it could get you hurt," or "If you do it this way instead, this good thing will happen." Think of how you teach a child not to run into the street, or how to not say cruel things to other kids, or how to do something better than how they were already doing it. The focus is on the action, not on something that is intrinsically a part of who they are.

Aspie kids are pretty much always going to get teased. I don't know that there's any way around it. It's painful, but it's more painful if one has to keep up a front at home as well as at school. Aspies need downtime as much as everyone else -- probably way more -- and if there's no place that one feels safe to be oneself, the pressure can really mess you up.

Just my two cents.

We can't be sheltered, I guess is the way I'd put it. We have to interact in a world of NT's, many of whom are so primitive that they amount to little more than dogs. That sounds cynical, I know, but we have to know these dogs are around and get some practice dealing with them or they will bite us and tear us apart. Scolding helps us to learn how to avoid getting bitten.

Thanks so much for all the responses. Basically my feelings are reinforced now that a scolding could be in order for actual misbehavior or dangerous behavior, but that tearing down a child's sense of self worth while doing so is not a good idea. Moderation in all things? I believe in making the punishment fit the crime as well. I think as my daughter and I work out our issues about being aspies, (she used to blame me for being a "dorky" role model and swore she would never do that with her kids) and find out whether Little One is an aspie too, we will be able to communicate better about discipline. It may sound like I'm overly involved with my grandkids, but they are with me as often as they are with their mom. For the first three years the oldest in fact spent most of her time with me. So I feel the need to be on the same page with my daughter on this. Maybe she will be able to stop yelling so much if she can let go of her anger from the past of being teased by her peers.

K96822, Yes! Primitive is a word I have looked for so long when I observe NTs. I don't think it sounds that cynical. I just had to add the thought. Sometimes it feels to me like being around a wolf pack-I seem different so they want to jump all over me. They definitely seem primitive at times.