your kid's friends

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Didya ever think that one of your child's friends was a gay little kid?
My son who is eleven has a little clique of friends. The newest one makes me very uncomfortable because there is NOTHING masculine about him. I feel as though he's reading my son's autism as being gay like him or he's thinking of taking advantage of him sexually. My son feels he's way too bossy and seems to be trying to get him away from the rest of the boys. He's also entirely too physically close to my son and berates him often for liking girls.
Just the other day, he made sure my son knew that a girl he likes rides "THE VAN". In most cases "van riders" are marginalized at his school. This kid has GOT to go. His mother almost looks like she knows about him and also about how I feel but she is SO nice. This is difficult.
I told my son to try to find ways to turn him off and make him hate you so he leaves on his own.

How can eleven year olds be gay? I didn't even have a concept of such things at that age and though teasing about who likes who was normal.

This kid is NT and really odd. My adult cousin who is gay said that he knew by the age of 9.
All I know is that this child makes me really uncomfortable. He wanted to see my son's privates. I think that 11 is a bit old to do that.

What do you mean how can 11 year olds be gay? How can 11 year olds be straight? That's around the time kids get sexual feelings, and if he is gay, then he will get them for guys. Sounds like the kid is looking for someone submissive if he is a bossy fellow. He needs to stay away from your son, if for no other reason than the fact that friends don't tell you what to do all the time.

Kids at this age explore and test the limits of sexuality in all sorts of ways. I would never rule out a friend for my son based on how I perceived his sexual orientation, but I would make it clear that there are limits ALL kids should follow, and lines that ALL kids this age should not cross. Lol, you've probably figured out by now that when it comes to the really big stuff, I've never had trouble telling other people's kids what the rules are ... assuming I actually witness them in something inappropriate, of course. For these, if you are there, you can speak your mind:

1) entirely too physically close (personal space should always be respected)
2) berates him often for liking girls (no one should be berated, period, or bullied into different choices)

For the times you are not, teach your son the scripts.

FYI, a gay 11 year old boy is no more likely to take advantage of your son than a promiscuous 11 year old girl.

My adorable AS son isn't very masculine. He may well be asexual; it is too early to tell. One child he knows comes across quite obviously as flaming gay, although I don't think the child knows it yet, and I've actively tried not to read anything into it. To me, there are just a few years left where these kids can just be kids, independent of any sexual identity. I'm not in any hurray to put one on them, and I would hate to think that the other parents around my son are already studying him and letting their minds click through on what he may someday be. He's just a kid. He's not ready to date, he's not ready to marry, and he is years away from his first real kiss under most normal circumstances. Why are we even thinking about what orientation any of these kids may turn out to have?

I disagree with that. Your son can respectfully decline overtures of friendship, if that is HIS choice, but making anyone hate you is a mistake. Instead, your son should learn to stand up for what he believes in and the choices he makes. If the boy bullies, report it. The thing about the privates is definitely a concern, but given that is something younger boys do all the time, it could also have been innocent; deal with that one action firmly, and maybe tell the mom in case something more is going on that she needs to ferret out. Actually, do tell the mom - that sort of inappropriate behavior can be an indicator the child is being sexually abused. In fact, several of the things you mentioned could be. Drop the "gay" from the conversation and let her know her son has shown some inappropriate behavior, and you just thought she ought to know.

Actually, this is something that concerns me as well - not because I care about any kid's orientation, but because DS has a hard time with social cues. The rules are spelled out very clearly about what is and is not appropriate to do with the opposite sex - DS did a little innocent exploring (I'm pretty sure he was being manipulated by another kid) and his peer group let him know in no uncertain terms where the line was around kindergarten/1st grade without it getting into anything too scary. He gets it.

Unfortunately, a lot of boy play (e.g. wrestling) wanders into an area that is ambiguous. I am really concerned that DS will send out cues that could be misinterpreted by a gay child, or that he might miss their cues and wind up in a situation he couldn't be expected to handle gracefully. I do think this is a possibility, and I don't want either my son or another child to be hurt.

We are fortunate that a teacher he's had in the past is openly gay, which opened the door to a discussion about different (acceptable) ways of being, but I don't know how to counsel him on where the line is between male sexualized behavior and social behavior, as (being a girl) I'm truthfully not sure about it myself.

i cant be sure how you meant it, but your post comes across as very homophobic. are we suppose to teach tolerance for "van riders" but not for gays? if a child at 11 is already showing "gayness", then they have no more control over it than someone who has an asd or rides the van for other reasons. even if he is gay, that does not make him predatory or more likely to take advantage of your son. even gay boys need male friends.

an effeminate 11 yr old boy who thinks girls are icky to me sounds more like a child who hasnt hit puberty yet or who is delayed in his physical development. if hes also still in the "show me yours" phase he may have a developmental delay of some kind. you should mention the genitals interest to his mother, perhaps she will share more info about her child.

i will admit that it bothers me that a parent is telling their child to treat another child in such a way that it makes the other child feel hatred. how horrible for that other child to be treated like that.

thats one of MY worst nightmares. that a child will treat my son so badly because of his natural behaviors that he cant really control. as a mother i would be devastated for someone to intentionally drive my son away because of his stimming or sensory seeking behaviors.

We talk about accepting differences ALL THE TIME. This is just my parenting style, has noting to do with special needs or no special needs. I talk about my feelings about homosexuality being similar to eye color, just something you're born with. Being that they say 10% of the population is gay, I sure want my kids to know where I stand so they will never have to agonize about acceptance at home. Do you know what the suicide rate is for gay teens? It is absurdly high. I never want my kids to worry about parental acceptance. What we say about others is what our kids will internalize about themselves.

Privates are private - keep it that way. No means no, period.

I know that there was a friend of DS who was in 3rd grade and had identified as gay. It made DS uncomfortable because this kid "liked" him. We talked about how if a girl liked him and he didn't feel the same way, it might be easier on everyone if they didn't hang out. Well, same with a boy. It was a pretty easy teaching opportunity. not that it went well - the boy said some things that made DS embarassed and DS pushed him on the playground. Not great reaction, but good learning.

If your son doesn't like the kid, tell him not to hang out with him.

Are you sure the kid doesn't have a disability or diagnosis of his own? Do you feel comfortable asking the mother? What about asking her to talk to her son about boundaries and such? Perhaps there is something wrong with the child and she will open up to you. I am not saying that gay = something wrong and I hope no one interprets it that way. It just sounds to me like the kid has some social problems which are not related to sexual orientation. If you are that uncomfortable w/ the child, you should just not allow your son to be around him except in places that you don't have control over it such as school.

The "girls are icky" attitude that young boys seem to have wouldn't explain the "van rider" comment, as it would apply indiscriminately to all girls. This case does sound like the other boy is trying to separate RightGalaxy's son from his friends. Irrespective of whether the other boy is gay, it certainly sounds like he's worth staying away from.

I wouldn't completely dismiss the "get him to hate you" approach, given that RightGalaxy's son doesn't seem to want anything to do with the boy. The thing is, neurotypicals have the social instincts to stay away from one particular person while staying with mutual friends. Aspies don't have that. If RightGalaxy's son merely tries to stay away from the other boy, though, he's likely to end up being maneuvered away from the rest of his friends. Perhaps people can suggest a better way to avoid that happening.

I agree with DW_a_mom - she is a wise woman. The behavior this child is showing may be an indicator of sexual abuse.
When my third boy was younger a slightly older boy of 11 years of age started paying more attention to him and would try to get him off and away from the other children. He did manage one day to separate him from the group and I found him in a playhouse with my son and what he was doing to him was totally inappropriate. I did report him and it did turn out that he was sexually abused himself.
While I agree that a child can respectfully decine overtures of friendship, if that is his choice......needs to learn to stand up for what they believe in and the choices they make, I do also know that for some of the more passive children, this may be a very difficult skill to learn and as parents we need to support our children and help them as they and until they learn to advocate for themselves.

Something did happen. This boy sodomized a 3 year old child that was being watched at his own home. I don't know what this child's history is but perhaps he was attacked at one time.
A lot of cops going in and out of both houses. My son is totally stunned and wants more explanation. The cops and the school are inquiring if this has happened to any of the other children he has associated with. My son and I had to meet with the school psychologist and principal for questioning.

Holy Cr@p! Your instincts were on. You may have thought you were reacting to gay/straight - but what you were reacting to was an abuser and your gut was screaming. Wow, wow, wow.

I am so sorry to hear the latest. Scary.

I think I would tell your son that the boy did something very bad, and that you don't know what led him to do it. Sometimes children have experiences that leave them confused as to what is right and what is wrong, and we never know enough to judge the person. But we do have to judge the act, and the act in this case was against the law.

I think you can explain that it involved private areas of the body, breaking the "do not touch" rule, but you shouldn't have to say anything more than that.

how horrible. that kind of action isnt something children are familiar with, i cant imagine what horrific things that child must have witnessed or experienced to lead him to do such a thing. i hope both children get help.