Accepting praise or honor

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Is my 9yo unique? He seems to reject all praise and honor, and yet need it. If he gets praised in a wrong way - like too much or two frequently or by certain people, he will reject that talent completely. He now hates art b/c he got perhaps too much praise for a ribbon he won in a fair. He is actually proud of that ribbon.

He earned a Memory Master title for flawlessly memorizing over an hr's worth of facts including 8 different subjects last year. He ran off the stage when they gave the winners a standing ovation. I want him to participate again this year, for the benefit of the memory work, but he doesn't have to be honored on stage. That opens questions - may the director mention him at all, should he even come to the closing ceremony of the pgm., if so, how to answer people who mention it (since he made it last year)... It matters b/c I really don't want him to fail on purpose to avoid the honoring issue.

Can anyone explain this from his point of view so I can handle it well when the time comes? I'm learning so much - it is really helpful to see things from the AS's view. I am an emotional mommy and just don't understand, naturally. Thanks for any help!

He doesn't want the attention. If you're given that much attention people are watching you and expecting you to respond and behave a certain way. He just wants to be proud of what he accomplished and not have people bugging him about it. He might even be scared of standing ovations where that many people are focusing mostly on him.

Your son is not unique -- at least not so far as I'm concerned. I've always been the same way.

Speaking for myself, it basically comes down to the fact that I do not want to be the center of attention -- ever. Not for good reasons, not for bad reasons, not for any reasons. Just leave me alone to do my thing, and please don't take any notice. Awards and trophies and ribbons and things are great. They are means by which we sort of self-affirm. But, all the ceremony everyone else seems to enjoy can be torture for us. "You have an award for me? Great. Here's my address..."

There could also be an intense strain of perfectionism running through your son (I have one) that makes him feel like a little bit of a fraud. It didn't matter how well I did something; I always felt like it could have been done just a bit better. (This, incidentally, is one of the reasons that Aspies often become very good musicians, in my opinion. We'll sit in a tiny practice room playing the same few measures over and over and over for hours on end until we're almost satisfied.) So, all the praise and applause and awards were embarrassing, actually, because I knew how much better it could have turned out. (Yeah, 0.0001% better, but that was significant.) What am I saying? "Was significant"? It's still significant. I got praised to the heavens last week for something I did at work. Someone was gushing about a document I had drafted. You would think I could have said, "hey, thanks for such a nice compliment." But, do you know what my only response was? "Yeah, but there was a typo in it on page 18. I'm really sorry."

I don't know if either of these things are what's going on with your son. But, I identify with his behavior, so I think that they're at least good guesses. Have you asked him what makes him feel this way? Have you tried to explain why it is, for instance, that people applauded the winners? What's made me a little more comfortable with it is to understand that all of this seemingly very intense emotion is not so much being directed like a laser at me. It's more of a collective celebration of an achievement that has made everyone -- both the winners on stage and the folks in the audience -- feel good about themselves and their families and their lives. Maybe if you could depersonalize or diffuse it a little for him in a way that he understands, it would help.

Good luck. It sounds like you have a very special son. Whatever his quirks, you're an extremely lucky mom. (And yes, I know that you know that.)

It's really hard to accept compliments and praise. You always feel like you could have done better. Here's another point, from my personal perspective - your son may not be like this at all, but I know I'm not big on self-esteem, and therefore, I think that if someone is complimenting me, either it must not be true, or if it is, then anyone could have done whatever it is that earned me praise. Therefore, I feel like it makes me seem egotistical to act as though I think I deserve the praise, and I'll do or say just about anything to dismiss it instead of accepting it.

My good friend is constantly telling me, "If I accomplish anything over the next few years, it'll be to make you accept a freaking compliment." So I understand where your son is coming from. He probably really enjoys accomplishing things, but doesn't want praise unless it comes from a trustworthy source, isn't over-effusive, and isn't publicly attention-y. That would be my experience, anyway, for what it's worth.

Wow! Thanks for responding. You guys are terrific (oooops).

So, you are all saying AS kids won't ever accept attention. I remember a parenting book (sorry, forgot the name) which suggested to continuously make innocuous true statements about the child that he can't argue with. Eventually, he's supposed to be conditioned to trust what you say and trust that your statements of praise are also true. Would you say I shouldn't bother with an AS kid?

(BTW, yup, he's got a huge perfectionistic streak in him.)

I think most really dislike it. Whether that's true at all times, and will be true forever more, I just don't know. Are there some situations in which your son is OK with attention and others in which he's not? Like, doesn't mind it during Little League games but can't stand it when he's playing the piano? I think that I would want to zero in on the types of activities in connection with which he's uncomfortable receiving praise and work from there. Maybe it's true all around, though...


I don't know how well mainstream parenting techniques work with kids with AS. Nothing about your proposal sounds the least bit harmful to me.


I've had it for longer than I can remember it. My mom tells me the most ridiculous stories of being this way even at 3 or 4 years old. It's been such a double-edged sword for me. It's fueled some (what I think of as) amazing accomplishments; and it's also been the cause of some very dark moments. I wouldn't drive it out of myself, but it sure is tough to live with. I certainly can't control it -- it's like the uncontrollable anger that other people experience. I'm pretty sure that my parents did all the right stuff (i.e., letting me know that it's totally OK to be good at something without having to be the best). Not sure what effect it had. About the only thing I can do is make a prediction: I think your son is likely to be extremely good at certain things, which he'll go after with a tenacity that you've never seen before in anyone -- while at the same time be inclined to give up way too easily on things that don't come naturally and immediately to him.

You have gotten great advice. I agree with it completely.
I would also add that if there is too much praise or attention and especially if it is done in public, in addition to being perfectionionists and knowing where we made that one mistake, there is also sometimes a feeling of pressure that can occur. By this, I mean that it can feel that there is now pressure on us to repeat the performance or even better it next time. We already put so much pressure on ourselves as perfectionists that perceiving that others might now have increased expectations of us can be too stressful (even if it is only our perception and not reality).
I would say don't overdo the praise, always be honest, be specific when you do praise - pick one or two things that were done particularly well, tell him what they were and why you liked them; always be honest.

LOL - this thread is making me really think of my husband, who can detail the reasons why every single honor he has ever earned (and he has earned many well-deserved honors since I have known him) has been because of a mistake, a freak circumstance, his "demanding nature," or the naïveté of the people offering the honor.

I myself am starting to learn to accept praise, though I used to get in trouble with people because I would always try to explain to their error wrong - often offering TMI (Thanks, but the blouse really isn't that nice, see the stain? And my hair is just looks like this today because it's really dirty, you know.) I now say, "thank you," smile, and change the subject before I do that.

DS beats us both: he is a perfectionist and will actually get violently angry if you praise him in the "wrong way." Very occasionally he will accept praise, but you have to be very careful of your language when you offer it.

Yeah, my son too can become very violent if we praise him.

Last night I told him what you all were posting here. He was really excited that he could be understood and is not alone. He didn't understand RainingRoses' explanation of what the audience is thinking but I have plenty of time to offer that again. I see WrongPlanet has a section for kids so I'll check that out.

I can't thank you enough for helping me and other NT people get a glimps of what goes on in an Aspie's mind. It's great to learn directly from you and not just read suggestions from a book. Hearing from you motivates me much more to change my ways and my ways of thinking and accept my son.

RainingRoses, I was especially touched when you wrote: "Good luck. It sounds like you have a very special son. Whatever his quirks, you're an extremely lucky mom. (And yes, I know that you know that.)" I do really love my little guy! Thank you!

there is also the possibility that its the fact of having all those eyes on him that make him uncomfortable or anxious. my SO does not like to be looked at, and will get anxious and stressed and start to twitch if you look at him for any length of time. i am sure for someone with a similar feeling, it would be a nightmare to be up on stage with all eyes on you.