angry daughter, help

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Thanks Chronos. You and I posted at the same time. Sorry, fuddy duddy alert, I probably dont know enough about the differences between goth, punk sub culture or whatever, and emo. I kind of thought it was emo. Anyway, I'm glad you think it's all normal stuff. I am less worried after all these posts. Okay Hot Topic I take it is a shop that sells black clothes (among other stuff). We dont have that in Ireland, but I get the picture, I'm sure theres a shop like it here, will check it out. Right now the uniform of choice is dark blue hoody and dark blue jeans and trainers, repeat , 7 days a week.

I only have small children, so I haven't yet experienced having a 12 year old girl!

I also am NT, but I can totally see myself in the way you describe your daughter. I wasn't angry all the time, but I was part of the metal/punkrock scene from a pretty early age. This meant wearing a lot of black for years!! It drove my mother crazy, but I really felt like it was more "me" than any of the other fashions! I wouldn't be too worried about clothes and music. It's probably where she feels like she fits in. I say to my husband all the time, we know a lot of undiagnosed Aspies because the punk scene was where they could fit in. You don't have the pressure to be athletic or even overly social. You just relate on art, music, politics, whatever.

There are other kids that get drawn to that crowd that have some emotional problems as well, so you will still want to be mindful of who she hangs out with, and what they're up to. But, overall, she will find some awesome, creative, ACCEPTING and intelligent friends.

I would let her write and do her art without judgement. Also, take her shopping for some of her clothes of choice, but stand firm on the black room if you really don't want her to do it. I also remember wanting to paint my room black. My mom refused and I had wallpaper with pink flowers instead.... until I graduated high school!! I just put my posters up over the wallpaper, and it was fine. I'm not suggesting, by any means,, that you torture your daughter with horrible wallpaper though!

Another practical post.... With respect to clothes shopping. Shop online. Have her fill shopping carts with clothes she wants and then either buy them online OR if for some reason you can't, print out the choices and bring them with you when you shop. Be sure you only shop at stores that will accept returns easily.

I hate to shop too, so online has totally saved me! My older NT son doesn't like it, so we shop online together. My younger guy who is AS, loves to shop but is a size that can be difficult to find in stores. So, fo him we go to stores so I can see what he likes, then I go home and shop online.

Online shopping has saved us!

Lot more common that i first thought. I figured that i was alone with the angry daughter deal.
I did read through most of what people offered as advice. Very nice advice indeed.
The choice of clothes? I agree with "mom" and advisers, some is ok, but enough is enough.
The choice of painting the room? Stand your ground "mom".
The choice of music? Not sure on that. What we thought was cool music was the devils music to our parents. I don't think that is going to change. Ever!!
The drawing of Dragons? Symbolism? A extension of self. Through history what are dragons? Wise, strong, outcasts, advisers to leaders, alone, beautiful, powerful.
Maybe she sees her self as alone, outcast, but yet still strong and wise. i agree with what most advisers have said with this. Let her draw, it is a release.
The writing ( a modern diary )? a 100% agreement here, that is her venting, her let, her escape, the squeezing of a sponge is you will.
But you need to stand strong "mom" oh sure some days she will say she hates you, some days she will not even talk to you, some days she will say mean things to you. But you know in your heart that she does love you and when the sh%# hits that fan... Because she saw how strong you were.. She will know where to go for comfort, for security, for safety.
I have a 13yr old step daughter. Love her to no end.
I am going through the anger, painting room, dressing "original", music, writing. Your daughter is pushing, and getting pushed.
Bullied? probably. Bullies have been around since people started hangin out together. Not going to change. Ever!!
Angry daughters? not going to change..Ever!!
I see this now... Stay strong, love stronger, hug when you can, compliment with careful timing, smile often, laugh often.
The skinny on this is:
the anger will end. ( or so we hope )
home is safe. This is where we ALL unload our "crap"
She is pushing her boundaries. She will test your rules.
She will be bullied at school. Physical? Emotional? Spiritual? Who knows,she is not telling. but i am sure she will at some point.
We found that when our girl is in a slump. it is a wicked ride to the bottom of that damn hill. But it does end. And she does come out of it at some point. Ya just gotta hang in there and wait at the bottom with open arms, some brownies and a smile..
I am nor sure what else to say. You are her anchor, don't break that chain. Just remember every time that sun comes up..... It's a brand new day. It's a good day.

I read through most of these posts - very intense.

One thing I have to give my 2cents on - medication. If she's depressed , or has severe anxiety, or OCD - I'm not talking "sad" but depressed - medication helps. I've had severe problems with depression starting in high school. I tried everything, even years of therapy. The depression would last about 2 years, and then it would start to just fade away.... until the next episode. I'm an adult - so I know SSRI's are different for me than for a child - however, no amount of therapy helped me - but the SSRI's did! The problem was biological. The problem was NOT my relationship with my mother, father, boyfriend, or anyone else.
My 8 year old son has Aspergers and ADHD - and he takes Adderall. I put it off for 3 years, and then we tried it because the doctor convinced me that the medication issue was MY issue, not my sons. I didn't want to be a mom who drugged her kids to get them to behave, who chose medication just because it was easier. The truth was my son was unable to pay attention to anything and was missing out on life, missing out on learning, missing out on playing with friends! I realized that my "issue" was not helping my son, and that my son was not willfully problematic, he was biologically challenged. We tried the meds and we haven't looked back since! My son, at 8 years old, knows when he's on his medication, knows when he's not on his medication - and knows when he needs his medication.

What I'm trying to say is don't rule out medication simply because "medication" is evil. It's not evil, it's a tool that can help IF the problem is chemical/biological... and for a lot of us IT WORKS.

Well thanks for the replies, its actually three months now since I wrote that post and dd I would say overall seems to have ...I dont know if improved is the word, but she seems to be more taken up with what she's interested in, her reading, drawing, (which is now lots of tricksters , puppets on a string, dancing skeletons, the dragons have taken a back seat for the moment ) and music, and she doesn't seem so volatile . Well not always . I also have tried to temper my reactions to her anger when it is there, and not get so upset by it. . Not always successful, but sometimes I am.
I haven't gone the medication route, but I take your point BonnieBlueWater it has it's place and I wouldn't rule out the possibility of it one day.
Something I do do, especially when she is being hard, angry and cynical, is at some point tell her that I love her very much and always will, ( even though we do have shouting matches, ) and she seems to hear it and soften a bit.
She doesnt ask to paint the room black anymore, that one passed, thank goodness, and her clothes are a mixture of navy, black and white (mainly hoodies) . She does have about 12 black tee shirts, but thats okay, can live with that.
I also plan on getting a strange looking dog, not sure what breed yet, but something that makes people stop and ask about it. We used to have one like this, and dd answered peoples questions about it when she took it for walks. So it helped her with talking to people other than me, in a nice way, conversations and interchanges are hard for her. Sadly that dog died though.
Thenks 1xxdavexx1 for that nice letter, good to know one isnt alone. I wish I could hug her, but she hates being touched! Brownies now, she'll go for that. (so will I)