Santa

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Hwy Everyone -

What do your kids think about Samta? My ds is pretty mad about the whole Santa thing. He is 10 (will be 11 soon) and figured out that Santa wasn't real about a year ago. He told me that he didn't believe in it, and we talked about Santa actually being a metaphor for giving and the magic of Christmas for children. And that once we know Santa is the spirit of Christmas not an actual guy going down the chimney, it is up to us to carry that spirit for other children.

He flipped out and started crying thinking I was saying that santa was a spirit (ghost). After that, he acted like he still believed in Santa. Then recently, he told me that he has known since last year (well, yeah) but didn't want me to know he knew because he wanted more presents. He then went on to say how upset he was about the lie, and he thinks kids should know as soon as they can talk. He doesn't understand why anyone would lie about it and is not happy with the whole idea.

What have your experiences been? I'm hoping that he doesn't decide to tell lots of kindergarteners one day. Aside from that, we're past it. I am just wondering how others have handled the whole santa thing?

Thanks

Well my daughter was about 8 I remember we had this family friend dressed up as father xmas, who came into the house that night and gave out presents from a big sack. When he was leaving she recognised the calvin and hobbs tee shirt sticking out from under his santa outfit, that she's seen Rob wear the day before. That evening I got the questions, which I tried to evade and answer neutrally (hmmm, gosh I wonder? ). She never really believed after that. With the easter bunny though, the belief lasted longer, and probably only went around 11. She was very upset about the easter bunny not being real. So was I actually.

my son is 9, he knows i buy the presents and he knows there IS no santa.
but if you ask him about it, he will probably tell you santa is real. i'm guessing it will pass...

We got kicked out of the family holiday (and all subsequent holidays involving imaginary creatures) because DS bluntly told his cousins that there is no Santa ( I did have a conversation with him about being respectful of other people's beliefs.) These traditions are particularly difficult for kids who confuse imagination and metaphor with lying.

At any rate, my parents, my Dad in particular (who is very religious, mind you) was adamant that telling kids to believe in Santa is "lying," and frankly, I'm with him on that. He told us kids that Santa was a nice story based on a real guy (St. Nicholas) who lived a long time ago, and who had a reputation for giving secret gifts to people who really needed them - but that all the rest of it was a game everyone plays for fun. An Aspie kid might be able to "play the game," if they have trouble with lying.

However, for those of you with younger Aspies, I did discover when DS was small that he wanted to believe in Santa (unfortunately, he viewed Santa as kind of more like the SS - someone judgemental with eyes everywhere, we had to have a lot of discussions about how trying to be good was enough) So I told him that he could believe if he wanted to, but I didn't believe, and we hung stockings, etc. When he asked how the presents got into the stockings, I just kept answering with a question "How do you think the presents got there?"

My daughter is 7 and she has known for over a year. She thought about the whole thing and then asked me point blank about a year ago if it was real.

I remember at about the age of 8 or so I found out it wasn't real. I was really MAD. The idea that everyone had been lying to me for so long made me question everything they had told me. Then my mother told me if I didn't believe I didn't get any presents-which just messed the whole idea of Santa up even more in my head.

I always had my doubts about Santa as a kid but officaly stopped believing at age nine or ten. The idea of the tooth fairy creeped me out so much before my teeth were even loose so my parents had to come clean on that one. I gave up the Easter bunny at three or four. I gave up bigfoot at 23.

When I finnaly gave up Santa was like, "Well that explains so much." and decided that on the cold day in Hell I ever did have children of my own, I would never lie to them about Santa Claus being real. I think it' wrong to falusly lead anyone let alone children. I was taught it was wrong to lie. So why is it okay to say Santa exhists when he dosen't? I just think the whole idea is wrong and as an adult still can't understand why people go out of their way to convince their kids of a lie. I always had lots of meltdowns around Christmas time and my parents told me I wouldn't get anything from Santa becuase I was "bad". Like a previous poster said, Santa just seemed like yet another judgemental jerk.

Last edited by PunkyKat on 27 Nov 2010, 2:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My sons were a little bit different in this. I have always had a problem with the idea of lying, so we simply told them that Santa was a wonderful story that most children believe is true and most adults don't, and that they could choose what to believe. We have done the leaving the cookies & milk out for Santa routine etc, but have purposely been quite transparent in our efforts (I don't want to take away the magic, but I really do have a problem with the deceit aspect). One of my sons has always been quite pragmatic about the whole affair, playing along with a wink and a smile and being just as coy as any adult about it. The other son latched onto every Christmas card and movie saying Santa was really, really real, and would have a complete meltdown if anyone so much as suggested to him that Santa was fictitious.

It's always interesting having identical twins. Same age, same environment, same genetics, same parenting, but a completely different reaction. Just shows how much our own will as an individual shapes us, and how as parents we have less call to congratulate ourselves when things go well or to despair when they don't, our influence is a lot more limited than we'd like to think.

It all went really smooth with my son, who figured out on his own that mommy and daddy were Santa. I had always chosen my words very carefully about Santa, not trying to claim there was a real person with a red suit and a beard, focusing on the general concepts of magic and the story instead, and it was a pretty easy transition for my very literal son with a perfect memory from taking our descriptions and putting them on a Santa figure, to taking our descriptions and realizing that we all get to be Santa.

It went a little rougher with my daughter because a third party adult took it upon herself to burst that bubble before my daughter had a chance to work it all out for herself. I'm still mad at that woman. I never lied to my kids; I just danced.

One thing that helped with it all was that my kids always got gifts from us, each other, and family as well as from Santa. The Santa gift still arrives while they sleep the night before Christmas, in special wrapping paper they've never seen, and unique "Santa" writing. Now that they both know mom and dad are Santa, they are busy trying to solve that mystery - and insist that I continue to do my best to thwart them

I liked believing Santa was real. When my mother told me he wasn't I was furious with her. Mostly because I didn't want to know if it was true or not.

We've never discussed what the Santa thing is about with our son because he doesn't have adequate language yet, but when we get there I'll probably tell him that we celebrate Santa because of the good he did a long time ago and we pretend he's still around bringing presents because it's fun to do. That's why I still like to pretend there's a Santa as an adult. It reminds me that people can do random kind and selfless things.

And for now, my son will think Santa is any random jolly guy with a long beard who happens to fly around with reindeer on a sleigh.

I thought foistering the Santa myth would be a bad idea, but my husband insisted. As I suspected would happen, my son was suspicious and puzzled for several years, and then angry about having been fooled as a child. But he has been cooperative about playing along with the kids we know who still believe.

I love this. I've mostly done the same myself, but I messed up the other day when my kids were watching Santa on the Thanksgiving Day Parade. My oldest (kindergarten) asked if that Santa was real and I just blurted out "yes" without even thinking. It was one of those instant regret moments and I'm hoping I can easily slip back into dance mode.

My husband is still pissed about the Santa lie to this day. I, on the other hand, loved Santa (still do ) even though I never truly believed it. I tend to love wonderment in general.

Update.... When I discussed the historical / tradition revolving around St. Nicholas really helped. He could get his mind around honoring a tradition that included suprise gift giving. He still thinks it's a lie, but isn't mad. He also promised not to tell little kids.

It was about this time last year that my son and I had the conversation about whether Santa was real or not. I asked him what he thought and he said that he didn't think Santa was real. I confirmed that and told him about St Nicholas, fun for small children and so on. I also told him that I was quite relieved that he knew as I wasn't really comfortable about the lying aspect of it. He did say that he'd had his suspicions for a while, but liked the presents!

Now, another year down the line, he is very forthright about the fact that Santa isn't real. He's fine with younger children, but when little old ladies do the whole "Oooh, little boy, have you been good for Santa/written to Santa yet/looking forward to Santa?" thing, he just says, "Santa's not real". This for some reason, seems to disconcert people and they keep trying to persist with the Santa thing. It's even better when they say, "Ooooh, who told you that?". He points at me, and says "my mummy told me" and then they glare at me! Lol!

He did choose to spend £3 of his own money visiting Santa's grotto at a church fayre the other week, but that was for the present, and, I suspect, the chance to get Santa on his own so he could tell him that he wasn't real!

I was never enthusiastic about the Santa myth and could barely explain it to a three year old who hated strangers - this old man is going to come into your home while you're asleep and ...

But when she was four she had no questions because the overall message from the commercial environment was so pervasive: Santa is Coming! I think when she was nine when she realized there was no Santa, but she still wanted to believe so she'd insist that I was Santa but expected me to deny it.

I didnt really care about Santa but Rudolph was very important. I would listen to Gene Autry sing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer over and over and over....Guess we could call it an Aspie obsession. I would not have given up believing in all the "make believe" things of childhood for anything. When my kids ask me if something is real I tell them..."Maybe...what do you think?" They, like me, want to believe even if deep down we don't. My Autie could care less about any of it but all my older kids loved Santa and the Easter Bunny....Fairies . The only things I tell them are not real are scary things like monsters, vampires ect. Even though I have loved vampires since I was young and really went crazy for them after I started reading Anne Rice novels. I still have a special place for Rudolph too....maybe it was the outcast saves the day thing that got to me .

*sigh*

Quick perspective from AS kid:

I was generally a "good" child. I complied with most rules (the ones that made logical sense, anyway) and usually listened to what adults said as I was always told that adults didn't lie and knew better about the world than I did. My mother was always very, very anxious that I believed in the Santa myth and she kept it up for as long as possible. According to her, watching children believe in Santa is just "so cute" that she couldn't bear me not believing anymore. I eventually heard the truth in third grade and confronted my mother about it, after which she finally confessed.

What I learned:

My parents were liars and adults did not "know better" about much of anything. Also, my mother was willing to lie and make me look like a fool for her own emotional gratification. I couldn't have given a winged rat turd about "childhood magic" in the least; I would've much prefered she told me the truth. Children do not exist to be "cute" for adults.

Conclusion:

Weigh the benefits of "childhood magic" against lying to your AS/autie child who, in all likelihood, takes a dim view of untruth.