Pregnant with AS-- Need advice

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I'm concerned that I wont be able to "bond" with my kiddo that is coming on Feb 1.....
My sister said to me "have you bonded with her already?" Ehh... I said yes but i dont really know what that entails.

I'm scared!

Does anyone have any advice on how to "bond" with new borns?

i have no first hand experience, but i've heard that breastfeeding is one time when the mother and the child bond alot.

I am sure people have already told you that having a baby will "change your life". I think it's scary no matter who you are but the feelings that come when your baby is born will be like nothing you've ever known! Although I am not AS, I would remind you not to pressure yourself, don't think that every other mom knows what they are doing and you don't. I would dare to say that most if not all new moms feel like they are totally clueless at first! Also remember that being a new mom is just flat out exhausting in every way imaginable. It's hard to feel the warm fuzzies when your mind and body are worn out. Give it time, since you obviously really want to conncet with your kiddo, you will find a way!

My wife is borderline aspie and had no trouble bonding with either child. Things that might have helped:

1. Using natural childbirth meant she was awake when the child came out and was placed on her breast. The endorphin rush after the pain of childbirth might also have helped.

2. Breastfeeding helped. It's apparently a very calming experience. Um, pic here:

http://www.powderhouse.com/~wdew/person ... rsing.jpeg

3. My wife modified her diet during her first pregnancy to improve her omega 3:6 balance, which likely helped to avoid postpartum depression. Bonding is probably easier and stronger if you aren't depressed.

Make sure you have plenty of time where your sole responsibility is for the child, and you don't have other obligations. In general, though, I've found it a lot easier to tolerate my own children than to tolerate people in general.

I wonder if it's a normal feeling for lot of new mothers to worry about not being able to bond with their babies? I know it's common for them to ask lot of silly questions because they don't know any better. It's their first time being a mom so they don't know what to expect and don't know what is normal and what isn't. I am sure they are even concerned about messing up their child's development and afraid of what if they can't bond with their baby. I know lot of them worry about "What if I accidentally drop him?" "What if I don't give my baby enough food?" "What if I give him too much food?"

The best advice I can give is reading about pregnancy and newborn care. Watch a video about baby development. Netflix has a couple DVDs about it. It will show you what to do with an infant, same as with a newborn. The DVD is called Babies and it was made just made this year and is 79 minutes long.

You can also take parenting classes too if you are so worried. Talk to your doctor about it and they might tell you some information and where to take them.

Just let nature take its course. I've got 2 kids (and I likely have AS) and was concerned about the same thing before becoming a parent. I never liked kids and absolutely hated being pregnant, but the instant that I first heard my firstborn cry with his first breaths, it was all over. The nurses in the operating room (c-section) were so worried about me because I was crying uncontrollably, but it was all love - instant and overwhelming.

I do feel the need to mention the possibility of baby blues, or postpartum depression. This is hormonal and can be exacerbated by excess worry and fear. I experienced depression after my first was born, mostly because of feeling inadequate and pressured into doing everything right and by the book. Labor didn't go as planned and my baby couldn't nurse so I was pumping nonstop and worrying that I was a horrible mom because I couldn't get my baby to breastfeed, which reduced my milk supply. I was basically a mess, but bonding just happened without effort.

With my second, I was soooo much more relaxed and didn't stress about the labor or the feeding and everything turned out great. My second was unplanned natural birth (I'm still cursing the anesthesiologist for taking too long to show up), breastfed without a hitch, and I did not suffer from depression afterwards.

i think this is a pretty common fear for most new mothers, whether they have autism or not. i wouldnt worry too much about it at this point, but the suggestions of natural birth and breastfeeding are definitely good ones, especially to promote bonding and maternal and child health.

during childbirth and breastfeeding, your body releases hormones that help with bonding, specifically oxytocin. oxytocin is often called the love hormone due to its role in motherhood and bonding and how our bodies react to its presence. there was a small study released earlier this year that looked at the effect oxytocin has on autistics and it seemed to have positive effect on socialized behaviors. you can read the study here

I'm an aspie dad and it seems my children are perfectly NT. I realize it's not the same with moms and dads, but my experience was always that I WANTED children, or rather that I felt I SHOULD have children. It's just that whole "what to do with them" was a huge problem for me. But holding, feeding, and playing with my son really helped me break down those barriers as a dad. When my daughter was born, I never expected to love her the same as my boy, but she's really grown on me.

But I do have a true story that might set your mind at ease. Our daughter was doomed from day 1. First of all, we never meant to get pregnant when we had her. Second, it was a complicated pregnancy. Third, (because of #2) she was born two months premature. Fourth, she had bad apnea problems and spent 19 days in the NICU. So her mom never even wanted her in the first place, hated having a c-section, and then couldn't even go to her daughter every day after she was born.

When we DID finally get to bring her home, it wasn't even like we ever had a baby. It was more like we'd adopted someone else's kid, and even then it was more like we were doing someone a favor. It never felt like she really belonged to US.

Over time, though, watching her grow and develop her own little personality, she has really won us over. Apparently the feeling was mutual because for a long time she only seemed to really relate to her brother, who is only 18 months older. Seriously, for a long time, he was the only person who could make her laugh. But what really melted our hearts was when she'd look up at us, throw up her arms, and ask us to pick her up. Sometimes I, she, and her brother will all gather together on his bed or the couch and watch Kraftwerk videos together, and it's really nice. On the weekends, she will usually be more cooperative than her brother and go down for a nap sooner--which means she wakes up sooner. What happens then is she'll come into the living room or our bedroom and hang out with us, and that's when we get to see the "real" Hannah. She's the kind of little nugget that will MAKE you fall in love with her, and we've run the spectrum from really being angry that she came to us to not even remembering what life was like before.

She's also made herself the favorite child over the firstborn. She's almost 2 years old now and is on the verge of that characteristic language explosion at that age. She's eager to go potty and will even communicate when she's wet or dirty. Her brother is much more temperamental, and it always makes us laugh when she points to him and says "he a punk" or "he a crybaby." She's also learned how to steal his stuff and run away, which is infuriating--but on the other hand, she's been a victim of the same. How you like it now?

Both of our children are special in their own unique ways and have won us over. Both times for different reasons it was very scary. And you'll find the same thing with your own. Don't worry about "bonding" before you give birth. You'll be just fine. My wife worried about the whole bonding thing because we learned the hard way that she's unable to breastfeed--it's rare, but does happen with some women. But what others have said about breastfeeding is very true. It may take a while before you feel any kind of meaningful connection with your child, assuming a worst-case-scenario, but you will figure it out.

I had similar concerns, but please rest assured - you will have no choice but to bond with your child. It is a biological force unlike anything you have ever experienced and you couldn't stop yourself if you wanted to.

That being said, it is not an overnight process and you should not get stressed out if you find yourself looking at this little person who has just taken over your entire world and wondering when the magic will happen. It happens as you do the little things. Feeding, changing, cuddling, comforting. Within a few days or weeks you will find yourself in a world unlike anything you could have previously imagined, and there is no going back.

The very fact that you are concerned about such a thing shows that you are already binding in ways you do not yet recognize. You are worried about your child's best interest.

Relax and enjoy this magical journey.

I have a flip-side story - I was pregnant, and did have a relationship with DS before he was born (it is actually amazing, but they do respond to things. God bless him, I still remember giving him a little nudge with my hand (through my belly, of course) when he was sitting on my bladder or my stomach, and him obligingly scootching to the other side - from just the tactile feedback, he had very much the same personality he does now (the explosive temper, too - if I drank anything cold, he would explode in fury and kick me until I threw it up.) I am the only person I know who experienced this, so if you don't, don't worry about it.

However, as soon as he was born, he was too busy acclimating to his own body...and I felt like I'd been handed a screaming, pooping, vomiting, eating monster. Nobody got any sleep. I cried a lot. People kept asking me and telling me how wonderful babies were, and I'd be polite like I was supposed to, and I would go home and cry and think "what have I done? What is wrong with me?"

Then, a few weeks or maybe even a month later, I had a barette in my hair for the first time. I was changing DS's diaper, and I noticed a very clear puzzled experssion on his face...he was looking at my forehead. I reached up my hand, found the barette and removed it - and his little face lit up with a huge smile of relief and pleasure....it couldn't have been clearer..."Oh, Mommy, it was YOU!" he was saying. I fell totally and absolutely in love and have stayed that way ever since.

I think it's important to know that sometimes it takes a while. but even if you have communication deficits, it's something that happens naturally. Nothing is wrong with either you or the baby if it doesn't happen right away (though it might) and there isn't anything you need to learn; bonding is about feelings that occur naturally - a lot of them are driven by hormones.

I'd also encourage you to get some support both just before and for a good time after the baby is born. If you can afford a doula, or an in-home nurse, don't consider either of these things a luxury, especially for an Aspie - sometimes a paid third party might be more helpful and sympathetic than a family member (though you should ask for help from anywhere you can get it.) The change in routine can be a shock - make sure you are taking care of yourself.

Natural or not -

With respect to the posts about Natural childbirth helping with bonding..... I can't comment on natural childbirth because I had epidurals with both kids. What I can say is that I had no problems bonding in any way shape or form.

I have a girlfriend who has had three kids, the first two were natural the third, she had an epidural. She felt that the third was absolutely the best because she wasn't so beat up after the baby was born. She felt she could really enjoy the baby.

For me, I fell that if there was ever a reason for pain medication to be invented... it would be for childbirth. My boys were 9lb 9oz and 9lb 6oz, so I am thrilled that I went the way I did.

I don't say this to get into a pro/con debate - more to assure you that whatever you choose to do will be just fine. Don't feel that there is anything that you must do or you won't bond.

BTW - I too have heard of moms who took a while before the bond occurred, so don't freak out if that happens. You'll be ok.

Also, if there is one single thing in my entire life that made me who I am, it's being a mom. I have never loved like this before - it's awesome!

thank you so much to everyone for the advice and helpful hints...

i'm looking forward to having Little Ellie being a part in my life but i think i am fretting about finding the new routine.
i am sort of hypersensitive touch wise and touch feels icky so i think i am worried about breast feeding. but i know it is super beneficial, so there is no question... i will breastfeed.

How do you bond with your unborn child? Rubbing your belly, putting your hand on it when you feel your baby press against the wall of your uterus, watching your belly move when your baby is moving and kicking, having your partner feel your belly and having your belly up against him so he can feel the movements. All these are wonderful during pregnancy. I hear you miss all that when the baby comes.

Oh yeah you can also talk to your baby or play some music and put the head phones on your belly. The baby can hear your voice and the sounds. Sadly I don't do this stuff.

you certainly can bond with your baby while it is still in your womb. do things you would do if it was outside the womb. read to your baby, talk to it, take time to sit quiet and just listen. they have personalities before they are born and you can get to know your baby before you see it. each of my boys have had certain parts of their personalities show through before they were even born.

babies also learn to recognize your voice while still in the womb. my second child was an emergency c-section for pre-eclampsia, and he was in the nicu for over 3 weeks. my blood pressure was so bad and i reacted so negatively to the meds they gave me that i didnt wake up after surgery for quite a while. by time i was able to be wheeled in a chair to the nicu to see him, he was over 12 hours old. he had respiratory distress, a collapsed lung, and was on a respirator and in a warmer, and he hadnt even opened his eyes since he was born. i started talking to him, and the second he heard my voice he opened the most beautiful blue eyes and looked right at me. i missed his beginning hours, but i was the first person he saw because he knew my voice.

even if you dont feel bonded before the baby comes, it will happen. sometimes it happens big and fast, sometimes it happens in little bits over time, but its exceedingly rare that it doesnt happen at all.

i cant help you with the touch sensitivities, but i'd say wait and see how that goes. babies have ways of being so damn cute, we have no choice but giving them what they need, even if it goes against our usual behaviors.