what to do?

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so, i have two children on the spectrum, 5 and 11. one of whom is only here sometimes because i have shared custody of her so most of the time she is not here. she is the 11yo. the 5 yo is quite a handful on his own. i also have two younger children, 4 and 2. the 4 year old is currently starting to show symptoms of autism and this stresses me out. my 5yo's worker has put him on a waiting list to see a psychologist but this will probably take about 2 years to happen. in the meantime, my nephew(by marriage) who is also 11 and has autism as well has been taken from his mother(also on the spectrum) yet again and has become a ward of the state. the courts are going through procedure to revoke all her rights and put him up for adoption. they currently have him in 'hiding' to protect him from her because they feel she may do something drastic. i feel like i should step up and take him, because it is the right thing to do. there is no one else on his side of the family able to take him. most of them have mental health and addictions problems. there is one aunt who would be great with him but the children's aid will not allow her to step in because her husband has a lengthy criminal record. also, she is in her 60s now and going blind but has raised another one of the cousins for the last ten years or so who has undiagnosed disabilities. this girl is now 18 and has just moved out on her own. anyhow, i would be the only one who would be able to get him out of the system and it seems to be the right thing to do. i am torn though, for a couple reasons. i am not sure how he would feel about going from being an only child to living in a home full of kids that have special needs too. it might be too much for him. it also might be too much for me and i wouldn't want to make things worse if i brought him here and it somehow didn't work out. but then, in foster care who knows how many homes he will be put into over the next 7 years or what the circumstances would be, if he would get adopted to a good family or not...ect. i am scared for him. i should also mention that when he was younger, up to age four, he was with me everyday. then his mother ran off with him and i didn't see him again until he was 6 at which point he lived with me for just over a year until i moved and his mother came suddenly and took him in a panic accusing me of stealing him, when i had only moved about 2 blocks to a bigger house. the next two years after that i did not see him much but was still in regular contact with him, did things for him his mother would not do like buy him shoes, make sure he had coats/clothes and talk to him about important stuff. then about 2 1/2 years ago his mother took off with him again and cut off all contact he had with anyone from the family. so i have not seen him in quite a while. it is making me sick worrying about him and i don't know what to do. do i step in and take him, or follow his moms wishes and let him get adopted/bounced around in foster care? that just seems so unfair for him to have to go through. he's been through so much already

I was wondering a few things regarding your situation - do you have help w/ the kids (husband or something?)? Do you work? Can you financially afford another child? Is the 11 year old you are considering high functioning (e.g. self care skills) and does the child have any behavior concerns (persistent tantrums, screaming, rages, violence)?

he can do things for himself. he has been making his own breakfast since he was just 3. he is used to making his own dinner, getting ready for school by himself and playing quietly on his own. he has some emotional problems but mostly he likes to be left alone because he is used to being alone most of the time. he cries alot but he does not act out violently unless he has recently picked up more problems. i have my boyfriend who i have been with 6 years(and he's the father of the 3 younger children) to help out and no, i am not employed at this time. i am on a pension and i'm a stay at home mom. money is not a factor because he has his own disability money that would be transfered to whoever has him at the time. i don't know how much he gets but it should be enough to feed and cloth him plus there is a bit of wiggle room in my current budget to cover anything else he needs. his main issues are developmental. he did not start speaking until he was 6, and at 9 he started being able to read and write. i hear he is almost caught up to the other kids in his class when it comes to his school work. he has hurt small animals but as far as i know it was unintentional and he's always been bullied at school but doesn't fight back even when kids hit him he just curls up into a ball and cries until someone comes to help him. he has meltdowns sometimes but i'm not sure what he does with them because he usually goes into his room. it sounds like he is screaming into a pillow. he tries to be polite and helpful BUT like i said he's not used to being around all the other kids so i don't know how he'll react. he has been seriously neglected by his mother and i'm not sure how his behavior might change when the threat of her coming after him is removed. he also has a problem with wandering off. i have been called by his mother numerous times after she took him back to go look for him because she'd let him wander and he'd get lost. luckily we(my bf and i) were able to find him with help from the kids in his neighbourhood. i don't see this being a problem here because i will be able to keep an eye on him and wouldn't let him go off on his own.

This is a really tough situation, I feel for you. If I was you with the history and attachment you have had with this boy in the past, I think I would be compelled to take him in. The worry about what might be happening to him in foster care would just drive me crazy. I know we can't help every child in need but in the case of family, I would have to reach out. You can make accomodations for him at your house that will make living with so many people more tolerable for him and little by little, he will most likely adjust to the new living situation. At least he would be with someone he knows and who cares about him.

On the flip side, not all foster care is bad news: there are loving foster parents out there, and they'd be taking him in with their eyes open to his special needs. I don't know how the legal stuff works, but would it be possible to find out if you could monitor the placement and step in if you didn't feel it was good for him, rather than bringing him into a situation that's stressful for everyone?

thank you for the replies.
i was up all night worrying about him and what to do

i know there are some good foster parents out there. last time he was in foster care she did not tell anyone and he was with a great family for a few months. he told his other aunty that he really liked them because they were like a real family and they did stuff with him. unfortunately i have not been able to find out if he is back with those people or different people because if they took in another child since then he'd be placed somewhere else. there is no way to step in after he goes up for adoption formally, all ties to the family would be severed at that point and he we would have to wait until he is 18 to find him again. i have been trying all day to contact his worker and find out anything else and will continue to try until i reach her. i think i may have to contact a social worker locally and get them involved so i can get some kind of contact to at least talk to him and ask him how he's doing. i also want to ask him if he wants me to try and get him because you are right, he may be perfectly happy where he is at the moment.

well, some good news. i called as many people in the family that i could think of that i think would be able to handle caring for him and have found two people willing to take him. so i am going to take a back seat but stay involved. the first person is another aunty who lives on the other side of the country. she has one grown child and a 3yo and said she would love to have him. the other is his great aunty who would be good with him but is getting up their in age so after discussing it all together we have decided that if the children's aid decides it's okay he will be going to live with his other aunty and i will be having him sometimes like during the summer to help out and stay involved with him. i also was able to speak to the worker that is dealing with his case. she wasn't able to answer any of my questions because of confidentiality but said she will get back to me as soon as she can answer any questions we have. i'm assuming this will be after the next court hearing in january. they seemed quite surprised to find out that he had not one but three family members that wanted him and said that it would be prefered to place him with family but can't discuss it further until his mothers rights are revoked because she has chosen to have him in foster care rather than with family. once she loses her rights completely she won't have a say on if he goes to family or not and at that point instead of putting him up for formal adoption they put him in a kinship placement with his other aunty. anyways....i can sleep now and feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders.

Good to hear. There are so many stories about how "broken" the system is, but the truth is that often it works. I'm glad that seems to be the case here.

thanks. i certainly hope it goes as smoothly as it looks like it might. (: