I Need Help

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My son would repeat constantly for many months this phrase "I Need Help" no matter what I did he kept repeating at the moment he has a new phrase "everyone hates him" or "No one loves him" again no consolling As I only recently got his diagnosis of AS I taught this was traits of ADHD.

He is so unhappy at school he is been referred to the Autism Services I am anxiously awaiting appointment actually I am been diplomatic I am going of my head waiting for this appointment and its only a week since diagnosis. I have been battling with this for many years with school and local services they are still disputing the AS diagnosis just to add to my fustruations. He is treatening sucide demonstrating how he is going to do this and I am been informed by the local services it behavoural good bye come back when he actually means it.

I am sending him to school knowing this is the problem but when I gave him the choice to stay at home forget xmas exams he wants to go. We are having huge meltdowns at home first thing in the morning on his way to school and when he gets home in the evening.

I am not sure what to do he is always anxious he is a fanatasic athelete but I have always have to encourage him push him at times now I dont know if what I am doing is right. He loves sports and particaping even if it causes him stress. He stresses about it before he gets there when we there while he is doing it but loves when he succeeds. I feel if I didnt push he would not do these things I am lost. I dont want to be making things worst for him but he doesnt get as upset with his activities as he is with school. I find that he would not be sociable if he didnt attend his activities he has been doing all this things from a very young age I wanted to build his confidence and self esteem. He goes to training I try and let him make his own decision if I feel something is causes him great stress I tell him he can give it up usually he stays at it. I am not sure if he keeps going to make me happy. I dont know do I make the choice for him sometimes if I say ok you dont have to go you can stop this stresses him.

I think I have all the above problems in many aspects of daily life I just never know how things will turn out.

ALL I CAN SAY IS "I NEED HELP"

Annmaria :?

It sounds like he has too much going on, and that school isn't working for him, but he has high expectations for himself and is doing his best to hold it together.

What to do?

I think I'll start with a question. What does he like to do that actually calms and centers him? What type of day, what type of break within a day? What is your "go to" if he's stressing and you know he needs to divert for a while? Do you have one?

I don't think you need to feel guilt over pushing the activities if he enjoys them in the end, because most children need a little push in order to engage life. So many things can hold a person back, and most of it can be overcome. But do be aware that some things AS kids like aren't always the best for them, so pay attention to the patterns. What follows the success in sports? How is his mood, his behavior, and his ability to control his impulses?

Definitely dig into the school situation to figure out if there are particular, fixable things making it worse for him or if it's the general, horrible, un-fixable stress of being in a loud and noisy place with annoying kids all day (how my son would describe school, but he copes pretty well). Breaking things down slowly and patiently has allowed us to do quite a bit to improve school for our son, who is actively choosing to stay in school v. home school (he does know it is an option).

Anyway, once I get more information maybe I can follow up with some substantial suggestions. But I need a better handle on it all first.

He likes to watch his DVD's (which he does over and over for a number of weeks till he can repeat it word for word while watching it and then he puts it away) or play his PS3, I am noticing since he started secondary school he is spending more time in his room I also realise he is becoming a teenager. He also wants to spend more of his time at home can demand and insist on coming home even when I am not ready to. He likes it when its just me and him! When he is stressing he might go on the computer, ps3, DvD I restrict these during school days and I am more relaxed at weekends. if weather permitting he will shoot hoops or kick a ball or play on trampoline. I am a tv person so that my go to he finds what I watch boring. His Dad will take him out cinema, gym or what he would like to do gives me a break.

When he is successful he is very happy and talks excessively and needs for me to tell him how good he did and if I am proud of him continuous praise and he needs instant gratification this can go on for a while getting out of bed coming down stairs and then he forgets about it. But he can also be like this on any given day. He always finds it difficult to control his impluses at home but does so at school and I think this causes alot of the meltdowns His sister says he has two personalities when he gets on the bus for school he is very quite doesnt talk to anyone and then when he gets home different person.

He hates school and he finds the locker room difficult noisy and hate everyone and everyone hates him. When I gave him the option of doing the exams or not this made a difference rather then him thinking he had to do them (he choosed to sit them). As he is good a sport sometimes he is asked to move up age like from u12 to u14 this causes a lot of stress he feels that he doesnt fit in so he holds back and doesnt perform as well. And then he says he his rubbish etc and beats himself up about it and repeats the same negative words for hours or sometimes days. Again he could act like this on any given day it can be about something small or major. He has a huge fear of older teenagers this is a big problem at school as its his first year in secondary school. Homework he stresses but he is very bright so its not a big deal really he can use it to be difficult when upset about other things.

All these behaviours were just my son (ADHD) until last week when I got the diagnosis he still needs to be offically diagnosis I only briefly read about AS when I was told he should have a pragmatic Language assessment and he fits right in my daughter also (ADD) but she copes or we cope prob AS also so many of the traits but I am still confused need to get more educated.

Thanks for replying


Annmaria

One thing I think your son could use is a physical way to center and calm. While many AS find that gaming is a happy place for them, it seems like truly centering and calming usually requires a physical element. That is more difficult in the winter when it isn't comfortable to get outside. I wonder if getting a wii type system to bridge that gap might help? What you want is something that you won't feel the need to limit, that he can go to whenever he feels the need, no questions asked. For my son, that activity is pacing. Or, on occasion, nerf gun target practice. For other AS kids, it might be a trampoline. Whatever it is, it should end up being something he does at least daily.

Meanwhile, talk to the school about improving some of the worst parts of his day. There are so many ways school can be hell for AS kids, and it helps to be aware of them. Sensory issues, the fickleness of other kids ... so much.

We just got my son assessed for pragmatic language and are waiting for the results - but I have to say, watching the speech tests (they did a standard speech/language test as well) was a real, real education. While I'm interested in what the professionals have to say, I know I noticed things they didn't realize were significant (my son was unable to repeat back a single proper name without a second prompt) They had an observation room set up so that I didn't disrupt the test, which I would also recommend.

Watching how he reacted to the scenarios presented for the pragmatic test made me realize why he's struggling so much at school: he has NO IDEA how to respond to anyone in an emotional situation; no clue how to apologize, offer comfort, take responsibility, advocate for himself. I also got to see firsthand my son's truly incredible understanding of meaning as it relates to vocabulary, and see how that fabulous Asperger's brain can make really difficult connections.

It was like a light went on.

A poster here, Tracker, wrote a short, free, e-book that you might find helpful: http://asdstuff.com/works.html

Hugs. It is bewildering, but it gets better.

If he's threatening suicide, for the love of God, get him OUT OF THE SCHOOL. If he really has AS, you should take that threat absolutely seriously, because it is unlikely to be a lie or cry for attention as it might be for an NT. I hate to be alarmist, but you have to consider seriously if he needs the full-time care of a psychiatric institution. Forget the law and his education for as long as it takes to get him stable, because health has to come first. Removing the major stressor, the school environment, is as good a thing as you can do for him in the short term. I don't mean to frighten you, but having been in your son's shoes myself, I can tell you you're rolling the dice if you leave him the opportunity to make that decision himself. At the very least, have a serious discussion about suicide. Explain all the damage it would do to you as a parent and to his family and everyone around him. He probably will be less likely if he understands he's not just hurting himself.

I doubt he's doing things like staying in school or sports because of your expectations especially if you've said it's OK to take a break, at least consciously. When I was a kid, I internalized a lot of the positivity and high expectations from my parents. When they said things like "you're the smartest kid", "you're so smart you can do anything you want", I took it as gospel truth, and it created a sense of perfectionism within me where nothing was ever good enough for me to be satisfied with myself. It was self-sustaining, and haunted me even when it became apparent to my parents that I was destroying myself and they removed almost any mention of expectations of any kind. One of the hardest battles in my life has been to unlearn that internalized perfectionism, and it's taken multiple rounds of depression, a lot of medicine, and a lot of therapy to get to that point. I do not blame my parents for this. It was the 80s and nobody knew what AS was. I didn't understand it myself until recently. They just saw a really smart kid and thought pushing me was the right thing to do (but, to their credit, they stopped when I was a teen and started getting very defiant).

II suggest you relax the limits on the video games and DVDs. Aspies gain strength from long periods concentrating on their obsessions of choice. Video games were always a major mental energy recharge for me. It may mean less time for other activities that are considered "healthier", but there is such a thing as too much to handle. It might be a good time to start establishing the idea that everyone has limitations, and you have to balance what you do with the energy to have to do it.

I hope I didn't scare you too badly. I really just felt a responsibility to try to help someone else who's going through what I did.

Thanks to all for your replies. Zur-Darkstar your not scaring me but I am pretty scared xmas holidays coming dont think I will be sending him back to school until this gets the huge attention it needs. Your reply makes a lot of sense to me thank you he has been to the psychiatrist but they are not supporting his diagnose of ADHD never mind AS and as AS is only recent. They are suggesting it is the home enviroment and that he has a Insecure emotional attachment to me this is complete bull in the way they are looking at it he has an insecure emotional attachment to me because he finds it hard to cope in the world but its not because he was unloved etc as a baby, I am sure you understand what I am trying to say rather then going in to it. We have talked about the affects of suicide he does apologize but I will speak to him again sometimes when I do try to talk to him he doesnt want to hear it.

Hoildays coming now and I need to take step back and approach this with my family as positively as we can but I its a relief to know that we are not alone and there is plenty of good advice and help.

Thanks again and happy xmas to all I hope the new year will help us to find direction.

Annmaria :santa:

Thanks again for replies its complicated if I want to get local services to be involved which is what I am hoping for then the school and others take notice plus I dont have to travel and its peace of mind. My son goes to a private psychiatrist he has given the diagnosis of ADHD and referred him for AS assesment the prob he is not local a 4hour drive to him and 4hour back plus local services have a multidisciplinary team all services in one building so to speak this is where I am finding all the old school rubbish. As he was having suicide ideation they had to see us I will take him back to the private psychiatrist. I am now waiting for Autism Service appointment. All this just adds to our stress but as I am beginning to get an understanding I will be able to take control of things better and not feel its bigger than me.

We have a new diagnosis shocking as it was it means hopefully a different service fingers crossed.

Thanks Again the more replies the more I learn the more I know that better I can handle things for the future.

Annmaria

I suggest Independent Study for schooling.

It gives him the assistance he needs, he gets to schedule his own pace, and it gives him time one on one with teachers.

He stays at school which means he doesn't have to deal with the social stresses of school and it was a much cleaner environment.

It saved me a great deal when I was in the end of my middle school beginning of high school year.

I think it would have helped me even further if they had IS for elementary though. I honestly in middle school was thinking of killing myself, it was that bad.

I suggest that you hook up a mini spy cam (with his knowlege) but tell him not to tell anyone else. And hook it up somewhere on his shirt or something. You can go to spygadgets.com
to buy one that is as small as a end of a pencil.
Do this for about 1-2 weeks. This will give a clear idea of what is going on in school that is stressing him out so much. However if it picks up on any abuse or something, you cant use it in court because you did not notify the person beforehand, but it will give you a bird's eye view of everything he goes through. I suspect there might be some bullying going on or at the least negitive social interaction. School was hard for me, but I did not get suicidal until the bullying was in full swing. But even though you cant use it in court, you can still show it to the school and if they dont do anything, post it on CNN as they are kinda cracking down on bullying right now.

Hope that helps,

Jojo

Hello there,

For starters, your child sounds depressed and overwhelmed, which you probably already know. So, the question is really more so what to do about it. And to that, there are a couple suggestions.

1. As Momsparky graciously pointed out, I have a lovely book available. It is specifically designed for parents who are new to Asperger's Syndrome, and are all confused, lost, and trying to figure out what to do. It covers common concerns like dealing with anxiety, dealing with meltdowns, dealing with overload, and so forth. If you just download the book, you can read it in a good afternoon, and I can guarantee it will answer at least some of the questions that you have. At the very least, it will give you an idea of what sorts of questions you should be asking, and what you need to really focus on.

2. Make sure you have a conversation with your son and tell him that while working hard is important, working so hard that he overwhelms himself in the process is counter productive. You would be fine with him engaging in after school activities like sports, but you recognize that doing so may cause him more stress then it is worth. And as such, he may want to reconsider his choice to engage in these activities. While they may be fun temporarily, the anxiety and problems they cause may not be worth it. At least temporarily. Once he is doing better, and isn't so stressed out, he can revisit these activities. But you shouldn't be worrying about him making the varsity track team when he is contemplating suicide. Keep your priorities in order.

3. Don't limit his time spent on relaxing activities any more then is reasonable. For example, he likes to play on the computer, so let him. There are, of course, practical limitations. He needs to sleep, eat, and also take care of other basic tasks (I.E. school). But once he is done with his schooling, then why impose arbitrary limits on his recreational time. Your child is incredibly stressed out, and needs a respite from the world. Arbitrarily limiting his relaxation time isn't going to help decrease his anxiety.

Hi thanks again for all your replies and suggestions which have been very helpful.

Tracker I have been reading your book and already learning, I spoke about my sons activities because I was worried it was adding to his stress my pirorities are 100% about my son needs and what I can do to make his life happy I am not interested in him making any team I will only support him if this is what he wants. Since I have been reading and learning about AS for the first time in a while I see a light I have been hit by too many trains hopefully that has ended.

Whilst reading your book at times I think your talking about me.


Annmaria

OK well, glad the book is helping. If you have any more questions once you finish the book (which I am sure you will), then feel free to make a post about them.