Adult Son on the Spectrum

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Hello. I am new to this site and hoping to find some resources for my adult son with Autism. When he was young he was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism (Aspergers). He is now 19 years old and entering his third year of college. My concern is that he is clearly showing signs of depression, yet refuses to speak with his therapist (as he claims it has never helped), he does not take responsibility for taking meds so has gone off of them completely. His grades are getting worse, he spends very little time with anyone (only one day a week for his D&D tournaments) and whenever we try to approach him with our concerns he shuts down. As I type I realize this is probably a story many of us have been through, it sounds almost cliche. But I am at a loss. I can not watch my brilliant son flunk out of college (even though he is working on his dream career of working with animals) and dig himself deeper and deeper into this depression. It is difficult to find support for him BECAUSE he is so high functioning and our local resources are scanty in the county I live in (very rural area). What can I do???

Hello gornat and Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I am sorry you are having to watch your son go through this apparent depression. There is no question it is a terrible thing to watch your own child suffer.

That said, he is an adult now and I think(?) coping with independence, making his own decisions, etc. Even if he is doing poorly, this is a necessary developmental stage that all people go through. And many people, disability or no, have trouble with this stage. It is "normal."

Others may have better ideas, but I would say the best you can do is love him, support him and give him help, which he asks for it. It is possible that if you back off and just provide love and support, he may feel more comfortable with you. But he may not. It may take him years to work through this. College is important, but it is not the be all and end all of life. There are adults on this site who have never finished college who have responsible jobs that they find fulfilling. There are many paths in this life and he has to figure out his path on his own.

My deepest sympathy with your situation.

Agree, it is normal.

If you want to be supportive, you could encourage self-care in what helps him recharge the most. I suspect that college is wearing him down with the different social expectations and demands that he invest energy in things he doesn’t care about. It may be that he needs MORE D&D. Or more of something else that may seem isolating to a non-autistic yet energizing to an autistic.

And there are always universal energy helpers like taking a walk or drive, making sure your preferred food and drinks are available, and you’re not overwhelmed with things like chores or bills. If he needs help in these areas, you could certainly volunteer to help him make a schedule or take some responsibilities off his back.

Years ago we instituted a rule in our house where my autistic husband NEVER has to make phone calls (for bills or other official business) and NEVER has to go with me to visit my family. Instant, immediate boost in both of our lives. I hadn’t realized how something like dreading calling the vet for an appointment was draining his energy.

The key word here is "depression". Depression comes from stress. For most Aspies, stress should almost be our middle name. This is because we experience so much more stress than the average person.

So the solution that he needs is one that focuses on teaching him techniques for venting the stress in a socially acceptable manner.

I will recommend two books:

In an Unspoken Voice by Peter A. Levine
The Revolutionary Trauma Release Process by David Berceli

These kinds of little things can make a LOT of difference.

As a result, I think that is a good place to start with your depressed young adult son. The world is simply not "normal" right now, and everyone is responding in different ways. With any luck a small change can improve things a lot for him; some responsibility that can be removed to pull off stress. My daughter needed to take a break from school, little things weren't enough. On-line just wasn't simulating enough for her to cope with. While there are school imposed deadlines for credits and progress that your son may need to meet, I would let him know that all options are on the table. If he needs a quarter off from the carousel, let him know that he can take one. With my son, I discovered that simply being allowed to make a CHOICE made all the difference. As long as he saw a real exit sign he knew he was "allowed" to take, he found he could cope. He just needs to see the exit sign. My daughter only knows how to go 1000% or exit, but with both standing back and letting them decide has always helped. It gets scary for us as parents because we worry about all that can be lost, but if you know your child you can hopefully trust they won't take advantage and will only choose the outs they truly need. There are worse things than a delayed future.

I agree with all the above. I needed to hear I had the option to quit school for a bit to find the strength to keep going (although with a less intense schedule the next term). And there are things I find extremely stressful that others think are easy - like phone calls.

I also HATE emotional discussions, especially in person. Perhaps write an email that specifically says "I see these specific changes (list a couple) in your behavior lately, and I want to see if there is something we can do to help you feel less stressed and happier, if needed. Would taking fewer classes or a semester off be good? Are there any day to day tasks I can help with? I understand therapists haven't been helpful in the past, so let's talk about some things we could DO to help with stress. Please let me know what you think about this idea." Something along those lines may at least open up communication.

It the available choices in his present environment are leading him to disconnect, perhaps he needs a new environment. Sometimes people take a break in college. Some even take time for military service.

If he’s abruptly gone off an SSRI like Zoloft or Celexa, that can cause depression. The standard advice is, don’t go cold turkey.

Maybe he phased down on his own, but perhaps not slowly enough.

I’ve also read that in a straightforward, respectful sense, it’s trial and error regarding the different anti-depressants. And a ‘regular’ doctor like an internist or family practitioner can also do this.

I myself have also not had the best of luck with either psychologists or psychiatrists.

Symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder in Adults
Difficulty interpreting what others are thinking or feeling. Trouble interpreting facial expressions, body language, or social cues. Difficulty regulating emotion. Trouble keeping up a conversation.

This could be burnout. He might just need time off. You shold probably let him take a break from school for now. As him going to school like that helps nobody. Burnout can often look like depression. Does he have a history of depression? It's definitely a good idea to let him taek a break from school for a while.

As noted above, he might be experiencing burnout, which is superficially similar to depression but actually very different.

A few questions;
1) Is he on medication? has he adjusted his dosage in recent times? how has his past experience with therapists gone? is this the reason he's not keen on therapy?
2) Does he have a good relationship with mum, dad, siblings? is there scope for more family support?
3) How are his social relationships? is there scope for social support? does he have a partner? is this the source of his mental health concerns?
4) Is he coping with college? does he like what he's doing? where does he see himself after graduating? in 5-10 yrs?
5) Is there options that you have explored for him to volunteer working with animals in a Vet or zoo and then when he is ready he can return to college when he is ready?
6) What is is his financial situation? is he relying on mum/dad/allowance or has he got a part-time job? is the ability to purchase what he wants a source of stress?

There's plenty more questions I would ask but I do not want to overload you. Maybe focus on these first..