Dealing with Harsh Comments from Others RE Autistic Child

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I've been struggling lately with the lack of... tact, intelligence, internal filter.... from others when it comes to my son. Comments I've heard include,

"What do you mean he doesn't know how to talk? What is he stupid or something?" - regarding him being primarily non-verbal

"Well he doesn't LOOK ret*d" - when explaining to another mom at parent and tot that he has Autism

"Autism isn't real. The doctors made it up to justify their existance, and exuberant government pay checks. Its like ADD/ADHD. Its a "Trendy" Diagnosis"- Talking about autism at a mom's group

"I thought all people with autism had __(Insert physical attribute of downs syndrome here)____. Are you sure he's got it?"

"He can feed himself? I thought people with autism were vegetative"

And the list goes on and on and on...

We're new to the world of Autism, and I'm just wondering if other parents have faced the same adversity, and how they over came it. Also, some quick responses that will shut these people up would be wonderful <3

Wendy

"I thought all bigots were pretty. Are you sure you're a bigot?"

Honestly? That sounds awful, but I don't know what you can do, except just explain the truth to everyone you meet. Actually, how about you do that? It'll make my life easier. The way to make the world a welcoming place is, one person at a time, to explain the truth and make them understand. Then the next autistic (or parent of an autistic) they meet has it easier than you did.

And you're not the only one out there doing that. Maybe someday you'll run into people others have educated.

So prepare an elevator speech and maybe a short pamphlet.

I actually carry pamphlets and hand outs on autism from the local children's hospital with me. I do give a little shpeel every time someone makes a comment, and hand them a pamphlet, but most times, the next thing they do is toss it in the garbage (not even the recycling!!) and keep going.

Its an up hill battle, and we're just getting started. At least I've got a good strong back to carry the extra weight, and hopefully spare my son a lot of the stupidity.

And happy to help with making everyone's lives easier.... Lord knows we all could use the break!

You seem to be running into some extraordinarily uninformed people, but ... How you respond depends in large part to the situation and the person you're dealing with. If it's someone you are not likely ever to have to deal with again, and they say "I thought [insert stupid comment here]," you can just say, "Well, apparently you thought wrong," smile, and go along your way. If it's someone you need to maintain a relationship with, and they refer to Down Syndrome, you can say, "No, that's Down Syndrome; autism is quite different." If they say it's made up, you could point out that only people with absolutely no medical or psychological knowledge say that - unless he's a Scientologist? Because they don't believe in any psychiatry/psychology, which is their right, but it really doesn't change whether someone has a psychiatric condition. If someone says something stupid, like about the verbal issues, you can say something about the ability to verbalize not being indicative of intellect and that it is merely a means of communicating one's thoughts. After you see the reaction, you can either continue a conversation, or ask whether they are interested in learning anything about autism, or whether they were just making small talk. It's also ok to tell people that you realize that they're just trying to ease their confusion, but the way they said something was hurtful, and you would prefer that they ask a question outright than make assumptions when they don't know something about autism.

If you think its hurtful to you, imagine how its going to be for your son, having to put up with that his entire life. It never stops, nor does the discrimination for being different.

Something like, "I know when you're not familiar with it it's easy to be confused" and then giving them a little information might be good. Or "There's so much information out there about a lot of different things, it's hard to keep it all straight". Which is true.

For the one who says there's no such thing, "Isn't it great that we can each have our own view about things we don't know anything about?"

First of all, you should avoid taking it personally. It becomes personal only if you allow it.

You may want to say immediately that he has normal intelligence since apparently is a recurrent theme of the quotes. You do prevention.


and i couldn't help my self for this one.

"Autism isn't real. The doctors made it up to justify their existance, and exuberant government pay checks. Its like ADD/ADHD. Its a "Trendy" Diagnosis"- Talking about autism at a mom's group

Ask her if she is not a scientologists :p .

As an adult with high functioning austim, when I come across those sorts of people, I try to explain, if it doesn't work then I find another place to go for that sort of thing. I have found a new supermarket, after being questioned by check out staff, a new pharmacy, after a rude pharmacist, etc. Sometimes the best and easist thing to do is to try and surround yourself around people who are willing to try to understand, who respect that we are all different and are simply willing to accept your son as he is. From what I have heard from parents, finding a group of parents of children with similar conditions can be lifesaving for the parents, even if it is a group of children with all sorts of totally different disabilites, just knowing that you are not the only one who turns up to standard parent child things with the strange child can be very very comforting, from what I have been told. Finding parents of other children on the spectrum can be an added bonus. Sure we need to learn to function in the neurotypical world, but there is nothing wrong with wanting to be around people who are similar to us as well. Paralympians play wheelchair sports, around people with the same conditions as them, but they still operate in the typical world. We should be able to do the same.

I saw this on the Autism Support Network:

Top 10 snappy answers to annoying comments about autism
By Lisa Jo Rudy

If you're a parent with a child on the spectrum, you've probably responded to the same annoying remarks and questions a thousand times. Here's a handy list of responses that...you'll probably never use out loud (but are fun to imagine using)!

1. He can’t be autistic -- he can talk! (or make eye contact, smile, engage)
And yet, amazingly, he’s still autistic! Y’see, autism is a spectrum disorder, and that means ................…
2. Oh, she must be SO good at math! (or science or music)
Actually, her great talent is in memorizing and reciting lines from Sponge Bob videos!
3. All he needs is more discipline, and he’ll get the message.
Yup, it’s true -- if you give a child enough time outs, he’ll just stop being autistic. And if I speak French to you loudly enough, you’ll become fluent!
4. You poor thing, it must be so upsetting to have a child with a disability.
Yes, it can be hard. And pity really helps me to get through the day and feel better about myself and my child. So…thanks so much!
5. Will he be able to go to college (or get married or hold down a job)?
Hm. Good question. By the way, has your daughter’s divorce been finalized yet? And I’m so sorry to hear that your son was recently laid off from his job….............
6. I have a friend whose child was autistic, and she cured him!
Wow! So I guess she’s enjoying the millions she made after figuring out how to cure autism? I bet her second home is a yacht!
7. If she can’t behave properly, you shouldn’t BRING her to the grocery store!
Wow -- that would be great. Should I fax you my grocery list, or send it by email? I’ll really enjoy the delivery service!
8. We can’t include him in typical classes, it wouldn’t be fair to the other kids.
Hm, that’s an interesting perspective. So I guess you have a pretty big endowment to pay for all the law suits? That must be great!
9. We can’t accept her at our school because she doesn’t have a learning disability
Ohhhh… what a shame! Oh, wait, look, she’s suddenly developed dyslexia! Can she come to your school now?
10. You should make more time for yourself!
You’re so right! So will you be babysitting tonight or tomorrow night?


Read more: http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com

Those are hilarious.

I wondered if it was just me thinking that!
Sorry CarseatMommaTo2 don't mean to make light of it, but they are some pretty ignorant comments. I've never heard anything like that about my son who is NV. I don't suppose I go around telling people he has autism though, I find it's just more hassle than its worth except as a direct explanation for something that otherwise might seem rude or aberrant about his behavior.

The next time someone says something out of line, please call them on it. Just say, "Well, that is a rude thing to say!" It won't stop their ignorance, but it will stop them from spewing it all over your child. Just because he doesn't talk doesn't mean he can't hear and process all of the ridiculous questions and comments. You don't have to justify his existence to them. If you feel like they're open to it, by all means try to explain his way of being. But if they are closed-minded, it might not be worth your time.

Quick responses to shut them up? Usually a decently indignant 'excuse me?' is enough to make most people with half a set of social skills stop and think about what they just said, and maybe take it back or try to make up for it. After that, you can just give them a quick explanation of the differences between what they're thinking of and what autism is, and leave it at that. You can be as calm or indignant as you deem is proper for that.

The only comments Ive ever gotten, even when my daughter was non verbal, and Id tell then she had Autism was "Oh, Im so sorry" or "poor thing" or "sounds like someone needs a nap" other than that Ive gotten looks from people if my kids (I have an aspie too) have a meltdown in public. My daughter had an awesome one once in the doctors office while my older daughter was seeing the doctor. I had to take her out in the hallway where there was carpet so she could throw herself around and not hurt herself. Also she kept trying to rip my poor Aspie son's face off (she was not angry with him he was just the closest soft thing she could dig her nails into). I got a lot of the "Look" and then I had one lady say to her daughter "You used to do that too" and then smile and wink at me. Some other Mom's, even of typical kids, understand a meltdown .
You must really be surrounded by some horrible, ignorant people!