struggling

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Hi All
I'm new here, I have a partner that I don't live with and his son has Asperger's, he is five. I"m really struggling with this and feel like its tearing out relationship apart, My own has health issues of a physical disablity sense so i'm already massively overloaded with stress and lack of sleep due to my own childs issues. DP's son NEVER listens, disobeys , runs off espcially at shops, jumps up and down and crys at basically anything example the ice cream truck will go by and without even asking for one he just starts crying saying he wanted one. he hates to be touched, wont let my son sit near him or hold his hand or hug him, wont wear certain clothes( im aware this part is Asperger's at play), wont eat most of the food i make him which makes me feel like why bother and like i'm not doing a good job as a potential step mum to be. I've found it incredibly difficult to bond with DP's child and had issues bonding with my own child. The peadatrican who dignosed the Asperger's has suggested we see a child psychologist because he says that a lot of the things the child displays are not part of Asperger's for example the not wanting to be touched. The child also acts for lack of a better term like his arm has been ripped off it anyone so much as bumps him, this is a big issue because my child is vision impaired and so often bumps him by mistake. I dont want to sound like i hate his child i'm just a younger parent (25) struggling to cope with two children who have issues. His father, my partner also has Asperger's so I have issues getting him to SEE the problems that are going on as to him the way his son is normal in his eyes IYKWIM. DP displays a lot of Asperger's traits which can be frustrating for me as well, i cant eat next to him because the chewing drives him insane (even if its something soft and i have my mouth closed) he cannot stand for the sheets to be off the bed and makes a huge deal if it accidentally comes off, and if i'm emotional he doesn't know how to deal with it and now has learnt to hug me if im' crying but will make jokes about things like needing to bring a packed lunch to get though my crying sessions :/ I have to make him lists if i want things done around the house or he will forget to do them and if i want to speak to him 99% of the time i get a in a second even if it something like needing to ask him to help me get something of the shelf he says this is because he can't concentrate on two things at once. I will even get 'in a second' in the middle of a conversation because he's become distracted by something. DP stil lives at home (27) but is an engineering student (surprise) and as much as he doesn't admit it relies on his parents to do a lot of parenting of his son in my opinion
I'd apprecaite any suggestions on how i can cope better with this situation

ETA hope i put this in the right spot, mods please move it if needed Also ETA to say that i'm deperatley trying to adjust to this as i love my partner and want to live with him but so far can't handle his child full time

I think understanding what makes the child tick better would go a long way towards helping you deal with the behaviors you see. Most of what you mention is related to the AS, and is not about a child being defiant or difficult; he just has very different needs than you are used to. A place to start is the book written by one of our members:

Congratulations! Your Child Is Strange.

It is a free book, available for download at http://www.ASDstuff.com

Find another doctor , possibly someone who is educated about AS. This and all the other things you mentionned are part of AS. Your food may be perfectly seasonned, but if the child has texture sensitivities that make him want to throw up when something is slimey to him, he won't eat eggplants. If it's a smell sensitivity, he won't come close anything with garlick in it. He doesn't listen as you say, my son won't even turn his head when i say his name, and he is as high funcionning as they come. I am not offended by it, i know i sometimes don't realise someone is talking to ME, i know they're talking, but i didn't know it was for me, so i didn't pay attention, (i'm AS too btw) , If you want him to listen, make sure you have his attention before giving him a chore to do. When you want him to be helpful, tell him nicely, orders put everyone in a bad position: if i obey, i give her power. Better wait until she learns to ask people nicely , then she will get help from me. ( i actually thought this way about my parents, even at age 6 or 7 ).
Smiles go a long way, believe it or not, even if you don't see them on his face, he feels them.
I know he's only 5, but if you show him the same respect you would an adult, you will feel the difference. I don't mean to say you are not respecting him, as i don't know how you talk to him , i also don't mean he can get away with a bad attitude, but you have to remember that he is not making up any of his sensory difficulties, and put yourself in his shoes. If a small bump feels like a strong blow to him, how would you feel if your partner started punching you in the arm by accident everytime he rolls around in his sleep? He's your partner, you love him, and you are aware that he doesn't realise he's doing it. But can you guarantee me that after a month or so of nightly bruises, you wouldn't wake him up and scream at him that you've had enough of his punching you?? If someone forced you to wear clothes lined with sandpaper, and told you it was socially unacceptable to take them off, can you guarantee that after a while, you wouldn't start thinking " to hell with what people think, it hurts!! !" ? try to find soft clothes. cotton, worn cotton. No wool ever. And keep in mind that because your husband's son's disability is invisible, it doesn't make it any less of a disability than your own son's.

edit: your husband's joke about the packed lunch is so funny i am female so my partner doesn't cry so much, but on the few (2) occasions that it happened, i was hopeless. Just struggling to find what was the reason for the crying, generally an emotional train of thought in his mind that he had not been sharing with me, so i had to first catch up to it, then fight off the resentment i felt ( "you've had all those thoughts about our couple/children/life and never told me?and now i'm expected to help??") And then i thought it was too long and too draining, i just wanted him to get over it already and be normal again. It might seem heartless, maybe it is, but i think your husband is doing good indeed

I get that but what am i supposed to do when i have one visually impaired child who can't help but bump into things and people and one who can't stand to be touched? i cant help the child who doesnt want to be touched by telling the visually impaired child not to the Asperger's child and i cant tell the apsbergers child that the visually impaired child doesn't mean to bump into him

First of all, Welcome to WP! I hope that you can get some answers and support here.

I can't believe the doctor said that not wanting to be touched is not a part of AS. I agree, you should find another doctor. Everything you describe is sensory related. I would recommend reading "The Out of Sync Child" to get a better understanding of Sensory integration issues. Someone can have Sensory Integration Disorder without having autism, but most people with autism have sensory integration issues to some degree. They may either be OVER reactive to certain stimuli from the environment or UNDER reactive to stimuli. Sounds like your future stepson is over reactive.

Is he receiving any type of therapy such as Occupational Therapy or Speech therapy? I believe this could be helpful in helping him learn to deal with some of his sensitivites. Also, try to stop taking the things he does personally, because he probably is not doing these things on purpose. The more you read and educate yourself on AS, the better you will be able to understand and deal with the majority of the behaviors. Many AS children respond very well to rewards for good behaviors.

As far as your own son, I know you have difficulties there too, but if you can get the AS son some therapy to start to better handle being touched, then maybe this can help alleviate some of the problem. Try gently explaining to him that your son does not mean to bump into him.

I have to run now, so I know I didn't address all of your concerns, but keep posting, and I think you will start to get some answers.........

Hang in there!

It is going to be tough balancing the needs between the two, but not impossible. In my own family there are two and sometimes 3 kids (when my youngest sister stays with us) with differing special needs, and it can be a real challenge at times, so I feel for you. And on this board there are many parents taking care of multiple "special needs" kids often with conflicting needs, so know that you aren't alone.

First off, you need more information about Aspergers/autism. The book that DW recommended is excellent. I would read it first. Then Tony Attwood's The Complete Guide to Aspergers is another that I would read ASAP, along with The Out of Sync Child by Carol Stock Kranowitz (this is a book on Sensory Processing disorder which often goes hand in hand with Aspergers, it will explain why he won't eat and doesn't like to be touched and give you strategies for dealing with these sensory issues).

Second dump the psychologist. Ediself is completely right, anyone who says that not liking to be touched isn't part of Aspergers has NO IDEA what they are talking about, and a bad psychologist will do way more harm than good. Find someone who specializes in ASD.

Third resist the urge to view the kid as bad, which can be hard if he is rejecting your overtures, making life more difficult for your own son and seemingly impossible to bond with. Know that he is doing the best he can in any given moment, and it is the responsibility of the adults around him to oh so slowly and painstakingly teach him to do better, and to accept the things he can't change and love him anyway.

For instance he can't change finding touch unpleasant, shocking, invasive or even painful. But you can slowly teach him the difference between an accidental touch and and an intentionally hurtful one, and how to react appropriately. You can teach him that your son can't help but bump sometimes, and maybe even work out a couple of phrases that they can say back and forth to let the one know for sure that it was an accident. And you can teach your son that the other boy does not like to be touched, so to avoid purposeful touches. We had to do this with our own sons, both have aspergers, but one went through a stage where he was sensory seeking (jumping, bumping, grabbing, wiggling, crashing into people and things, seeking sensory input), while the other hated to be touched to the point of lashing out at other kids who bumped into him in the hallways at school. It was an explosive combo for a while there! It took a long time, and a lot of patience and there were many meltdowns along the way, but things slowly improved. My sons don't seem to learn things in a straight forward linear fashion, it is more like 2 steps forward and one back (and then a loop-de-loo, backwards sommersault and forward lunge!), so it takes an enormous amount of repetition and reinforcement to teach a new behaviour. Expect it to go very slowly. Use books, role playing, reminder signs etc. to reinforce the lesson you want to teach, and only work on one thing at a time.

I wish you the best. The fact that you found these boards to ask questions shows that you are already on the right track. Good luck!

I think the psychologist is a good idea - but for you! Sorry, I don't mean to come off insensitive. We have had the best success with making our lives better with ME learning a lot about AS and dealing with how to manage it and how I feel. What started at counseling for DS, became much more effective when it became counseling for me!

I agree that the person you work with needs to know a lot about AS. That is most helpful.

I agree with the other posters. The issues you've described definitely are related to Asperger's. And, yes, learning about Sensory Integration issues will help you tremendously in understanding your Partner's child.

My son is 4.5 years old and I will tell you that he seems very defiant when we don't have things pretty well structured for him. We saw a huge improvement in behavior at home once we started a visual schedule. I don't have to use it all the time, but when behaviors start getting challenging, we bring it back. So, every day when he gets home from school, we will sit down and draw pictures of things we will do for the rest of the day. A sample might be: 1. Have a snack 2. watch a video 3. go to playground 4. Have dinner 5. shower/jammies 6. brush teeth 7. read books/go to bed. Sometimes, I'll just do half of it and then draw up a new one when we get to the part of the day we ended the schedule on. When they know what's happening next, they tend to listen a lot more and do transitions much better. Just an idea if you'd like to try!

Good luck to you! I don't think the issues you're having are insurmountable, but you and your partner will definitely need to do some reading and learning about Asperger's to make your lives more sane!!

This is where reading the "Out of sync child" and "out of sync child has fun" would be good. If you can get some of the sensory issues under control, it might not be so awful for him. I would suggest getting an evaluation by an Occupational Therapist who has experience with Sensory Integration Issues to see if that helps at all.

I'm going to be very frank... you are only 25, with a son with disability issues. Why on earth do you want to take on more?! This sounds like much more than you can handle, especially at 25 with a child of your own to raise. Your partner seems to be doing the right thing for himself and his child; he's living at home so he gets extra support, he is an engineering student so he can get a good job and be able to adequately support his son for the long haul.
Focus on yourself and your child first - you seem more concerned with your partner and his child than with yourself and your child. Co-dependency?

I agree with that. Sensory issues and other environmental issues tend to have a cumulative component. When you mitigate the ones that can be mitigated, you increase the odds of progress on the ones that cannot be mitigated.

Another poster mentioned that the appearance of defiance was kind of warning sign of stress and I agree with that, too. The more an AS child feels like the environment around him is out of control and unsuitable to his needs, the more he will try to control what seems to be within his sphere to control. Remember that AS kids need predictability, structure, and calm. They need their sensory issues to be understood and honored to the extent possible. Things that seem unrelated to us can make a huge difference: keeping the TV off, following a schedule, giving the child an extra 5 minute warning before transitions, letting him help choose parts of meals (A or B), allowing him to stim (all those silly looking movements he wants to engage in are a coping mechanism - take them away, and he's lost a valuable tool), and so forth.

Glowinpurpleasur, I realize that you are having trouble seeing how both child's needs can be met, but one step will simply be to eliminate stress from the AS child's life in OTHER areas. He'll handle things with your son better when he's comfortable in his own surroundings, and not feeling forced into an environment that "hurts" or that he doesn't understand. He's not like other kids; you can't expect him to just be "resilient" or "compliant." That isn't how his brain works. He wants to be those things because he's probably already figured out that is what people want from him, but he just can't do it. So, he tries to gain some control, tries to make the ground stop shaking under his feet, because otherwise it feels like life is going to swallow him up.

I have Asperger's.

We need very specific instructions and clear reasoning. When I was small I wouldn't obey if I didn't understand something. Something as simple as telling me to go to another room and get something could be very hard for me. I would have to find the room and I had trouble locating things. Then I would have to find the object in question which was often vague. For instance, getting "some" or a "few" -- how much is that? What if it's in a different location than the person said? etc etc etc


I like to jump up and down. I cry a lot. Not asking one is an obvious example of a communication defect. It doesn't really occur to me to have to TELL people things. To tell someone something I have to make sure I'm not interrupting, to make sure they don't already know the information, to make sure they aren't angry, again etc etc etc. One also has to understand that people do not know all the information you do which can be a theory of mind defect in Asperger's.


I would throw fits when somebody touched me. This is an Asperger's issue and if someone tells you it isn't they do not know enough to be informing you. It physically hurts and is the worst feeling in the world. Some clothing is also terrible and I've never been able to wear blue jeans or denim.

I have a lot of food issues and won't eat most food. The texture is horrible and would make me want to throw up. When I was younger things were worse and I had to thoroughly examine each bite of food and if I found anything inconsistent, even a speck of seasoning, I would not eat it. I have to eat the same foods everyday prepared the exact same way.

People with AS often have very strong interests in certain subjects or items. I think it would be good to identify what these are and bond with the child this way. If the child is into dinosaurs or trains, go to a museum or go for a train ride. An AS child screaming at being touched isn't the same as a normal child doing so. You may not think you are bonding with a child who does this, but it does not mean they hate you or anything. People with AS perceive the world much differently. A rejected lunch is not to be taken personally.

okay firstly thank you for all your replies,
Kailuamom i have a psych who understands i'm completley overwhelmed ,my son has chronic lung disease, a trachesotomy, developmental delays, is visually impaired etc etc etc so adding two family memebers with Asperger's has not been easy.

BonnieBlueWater funny you should say that we acctually temporaily broke up because i didn't feel like i could do it on top of everything else i have to deal with but i guess that is selfish of me to feel like that so i'm trying to deal with it as i do really love my partner.


DW_a_mom thanks for suggesting congrats you child is strange, i'm halfway though it and already feel that i have a MUCH better understanding of whats going on, I sat there asking DP if this is how it feels to him and was surprised to see that he agreed with the majoirty of it.


Lastly, almost everyone has said how important structure is and i totally agree
Problem is i dont live with DP and his son they are only here some of the time, The poor kid gets shipped between my house, his grandparents place where he officially lives (grandmother is extremly overbearing and forces things that apsbergers kids dont like like wearing certain clothing) and also goes to his mothers house. The kid doesnt know if he is coming or going and i think he would do a lot better in a stable enviroment however his father who also has aspbergrs thinks its something the child just has to learn to deal with has he had to learn to deal with it when he was a child.

Actually what I meant was someone who understood Aspergers and could help you with some coaching. I have been in therapy a bunch of times where it is patient led, dealing with emotions. I didn't mean that - I meant more someone who could help you come to grips with Aspergers issues in your life and how to deal with them.

I apologize if I came off like you need therapy, while I have nothing against it, what I meant was coaching and I just didn't use the right words.

Kailuamom will look into seeing if there is anything like that available hardest thing is that my son isn't allowed to leave my care for me to be able to go to an appt like that so i'd have to find a coach whos willing to have my son at the session too.

I forgot to mention DP son also has a bowel condition that causes him to soil himself a lot, this is a big issue when we go out because one day he will wear a certain pair of underpants and not the next day.. I'm not sure what we can do about that?! we normally take a few pairs of underpants and pants but sometimes he plain refuses to wear any of them and we cant just have him running around butt naked in public :/ any suggestions? we have tried letting him pick out his own underwear but again it depends on the day as to what he will wear

if it was me, going back in time to when i started my relationship with my spouse, i would not do it again. not because i don't love him, i do love him. but because of all the added stress of dealing with his son, and the huge differences between how we think. it is cold and lonely in the long haul when your partner is always giving you the 'in a sec' and doesn't do the whole feelings thing. and then there are the ways that his son has changed my children. he is a bad influence on them regardless of if he's not doing it on purpose. i feel guilty for exposing them to his constant crying and all his not listening. again i know there are reasons behind it but that doesnt change how it has effected my kids. i think that i am not as happy as i could be because i took on this relationship and the child attached to it. he has his good moments but as i said, after spending five years in it i would take it back if i could and wait to meet someone who would be more emotionally supportive and who being with wouldn't be adding so much weight to my already overloaded mind