Anxiety over future

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I am usually not one to worry about anything. I am approaching my senior year in college, and thus the job search, but I feel absolutely no stress over anything such as finding a job, house, wife, etc. None at all, except for one thing. Every now and then I will start thinking about when I have a kid, and I get extremely anxious about the challenges of raising a child? Will he/she have Asperger's? Will they be happy? Will I be able to guide them? Will they have good values?

I don't know why I worry about this; my own upbringing went very well (I might be a little biased, but I think my parents did an excellent job with me). I get almost overwhelmed thinking about it; why?

EDIT: I figured I would add some background. I am not in a relationship or anything else that would bring marriage/children to my mind, so it's not like I'm anxious over raising a child who is on the way, just a hypothetical one.

All I can say is that it is nothing like you think it is. I read 20+ books on the subject while my wife was pregnant and it still was a completely unique experience. There is no use in stressing out, as there is very little you can do to prepare anyway. This is one of life's gifts that there is little use in stressing out about. Once the kid comes, he or she is in the driver's seat anyway. You are just along for the ride.

Yeah, I agree there is little use in stressing out. That's why this is such an odd case. Everything else, I think "worrying will not influence this at all, therefore it is useless, therefore I will stop." And then I do stop. I think what you mentioned about the kid being in the driver's seat is part of it; I'm not worried about my parenting abilities at all. I'm more worried about how my child's outlook on life and other things will develop, things that I have less influence over.

Hi Pat2rome-

Well, I am an NT adult, and my whole life I just wanted kids. I had absolutely NO idea that I would have a child with AS. Everything that I had envisioned as a parent was just thrown out the window-----I am learning as I go along. I am like you in some ways. I tend to be obsessive about things in the future that may or may not come to pass. Just try to do your best in going ahead in your future, and you will do just fine if the time comes for you to make the decision to become a parent or not.

Why? As an AS adult I might have a better understanding on my potentially AS son, but I certainly don't see it as "throwing my expectations out the window".

Pat, life never quite goes the way you think it will - I was certain all I wanted in life was to be a mother, but was told I was infertile when I was about your age (thank goodness I never took that too seriously!) I was certain I would adopt...but we tried for two months, and I got pregnant right away. Then I found I had an AS child...or rather, then I spent the next 10 years trying to get a handle on why I was such a terrific babysitter and loved kids and couldn't manage my own child. Life is unexpected.

I'm reading these posts and realizing they may not be comforting to you - but the piece that's missing from them: you will be able to handle it. You're aware of what it means to have AS, and you've accessed resources to help you with that. You know how to ask other parents for help. You know how to ask other AS people for help. You are ahead of the game.

I know that as I learn about my son, I am finding out more and more about myself that I wished I'd known earlier. You are more prepared than I was, and while I'm not perfect, I'm doing a fairly good job as a parent, and, while we're struggling a bit now - I'm confident my son will be fine once he gets to be your age.

Let me explain. I love my son more than anything in the world, but raising him so far has been very different than what I expected, I wasn't prepared for the fact that my son would not walk until he was almost 2 yrs old. I just envisioned a child that would walk at the normal time of 1 yr or so. I didn't know that he had AS at the time, so I had no idea what was going on. I was just very concerned.

I didn't know that I would have to take my child to therapy to help him learn how to walk and how to talk and how to learn to do things for himself that other children pick up so naturally. I expected that I would have a child that would love to play with toys and that would have friends to play with. I didn't know that my child would not ask me a question until he was 4 yrs old. I didn't know that I would have a child that has no interest in learning to do the things that most kids do such as riding a bike or playing sports with other kids.

There are many more things I could list, but I think you get the idea. I am not complaining, I do adore my son, but It is just not what I had expected. But, I am going forward trying to learn about his world and help him to be the best he can be. It is not that any of this is bad, it is just different than what I had anticipated.

I hope you understand.

I an the greatest worrier in the world. You name it, I worry about it. And when I think about having children, I start hyperventilating right away.

the only guarantee about kids is that there are no guarantees about them =) the surprises start in pregnancy and just keep going from there. they could be ASD or NT, or even something you never considered. gay, straight, bi, transgender, asexual.... an artist or an engineer... the easiest baby or the one with colic...

kids are like a box of chocolates. you never know what you are going to get! (ok, i stole that)

Hi Pat, I think the fact that you worry about raising children means that you have the potential be a great parent. I've always worried about my kids, from the moment they were born. And, my parents told me the worrying never goes away, even when the kids grow up and move on. My parents still worry about me and I'm...well, old. So, worrying about children is a natural, biological response. Built into our DNA. I'd be concerned if you didn't worry. Just try not to let the worry immobilize you.

Will he/she have Asperger's? Possibly.

Will they be happy? This is within your control. Judging by your online demeanor, I'd guess yes.

Will I be able to guide them? Ditto (i.e., yes).

Will they have good values? This is within your control also. I'm guessing you'll do just fine.

Pat, maybe you're worried about THAT now because you've already worried about all the other stuff! You're getting ready to transition into a new phase of life, so it's natural to think about all the things that are coming your way! Your 20's will be an awesome and exciting time. You might have kids, you might not... you might wait until you're 30 to have children.. who knows? I know that when I was a teenager/early 20's, I always thought I would have kids when I was 25, then, I hit my mid 20's and knew that having a child would have to wait. I had some growing up to do, and some things I wanted to do before I made that commitment.

When you do have children, even if it's not when you expect or plan to have children, you will be fine. Yes, it may be nothing like you imagined. It will be harder than you thought in some ways, and easier in others. No matter what, you'll love it.