Hi everyone! I'm new & could use your knowledge!

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Hi there,

I was referred to this forum via another forum that I frequent. I am a mama to triplets & one of them has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder/Aspergers. He is four years old & was diagnosed last summer. I am struggling with him & would welcome advice. I have copied and pasted my message that I posted on this other forum. Thanks so much & I look forward to learning new things & new people. Peace!

"I don't know where to start. I'm beyond frustrated. I'm beyond stressed. One of my boys was diagnosed with ASD/Aspergers last summer. I've always known something was different with him & now I have the diagnosis.

Jonah's main problems are obsessiveness. And it is an ALL day struggle with obsessiveness. He is obsessed with fans. If we are in a home with fans, he will stare for hours. He wants to flip the switch, watch it turn & repeat & repeat. We toured a home a few days ago & he immediately walked in & went to a room with a ceiling fan. He cried when we left. It is heartbreaking & nervewracking all at once.

He is obsessed with our washer and dryer. For a couple weeks now, I've been letting him help me with laundry. And now I'm thinking that wasn't a good idea. Now all he wants to do is open the doors to the laundry area & watch the washer spin (front loader). He is non-stop asking me if the washer is done. While it has been somewhat helpful (he likes to put the clothes in the washer & then take them out & put them in the dryer when they are finished), it is now becoming crazy.

He has a fascination with a VCR we have. He picks it up, takes it to the kitchen & back to the living room...several times a day. He opens the flap to watch how it works. He breaks sooo many things because he just can't leave things alone! He just can't. As I type this, he is standing right next to me saying, "Now I can take the sheets out of the washer? Now I can take the sheets out of the washer?"

I don't know what to do. But I'm to the point where I'm getting angry. This is so difficult to deal with. Plus, we've constantly been out of school lately because of snow days (they go everyday for 2 1/2 hours) & I know everyone is bored. I want to take them to the library but it is a huge challenge as he is always wandering off because he sees a fan in the distance or he wants to mess with elevator buttons that are out of the room we are in. Or if he does stay in the children's room, he runs the drinking fountain so he can see the fan inside of it run. It's maddening & not fun. And I don't want to feel this way.

If I continue to let him do these things, I'm entertaining his fascinations. But dang it, I don't know what to do. I try to distract him or re-direct, but he always goes back to what he wants.

Twice this week, he has peed his pants. He never does that. I really feel it is because he is so obsessed with the other things around, he doesn't take the time to go pee. Do you have advice? Thanks."

I can see how breaking things could be a problem, but I do not get why the fans or the laundry are an issue. There are so many other behaviors that would create a problem, I just can't see why these things are a big deal. Count your blessings. Maybe he wet himself because he feels like you dislike him for being who he is.

Try finding him junk appliances to disassemble and making a clear distinction between the stuff that's okay to fiddle with and the stuff that's not. Of course, old VCRs are likely to have small pieces and sharp corners that aren't appropriate for a 4 year old, so maybe there are toys that have moving parts that would substitute.

"Maybe he wet himself because he feels like you dislike him for being who he is." What an absolutely horrible thing to say to someone. I love my children & my children know I love them. Dislike him for being who he is? Are you kidding me? You don't know me.

You know, I came to this forum for help, because this IS an issue. The obsessiveness CONTROLS his life. THAT is a problem. Trust me, I do count my blessings. But who are you to think my son's issues are insignificant to what you/someone you know is going through? When something is controlling someone's life, that is an issue. He is 4. And I am trying to help him & us.

But thank you for advice on finding junk things to disassemble.

My daughter never was that obsessive with fans etc so this is just an attempt at suggestion but-what if you got him some toys that spun-like those light up twirly things, a toy top, whirly things, etc. If he played with those things and had them at his disposal maybe his obsession with the fans would let up. It is probably stimulating to him to dwell on a spinning object so find an appropriate toy that fulfills that need.

His obsessiveness is a part of ASD, so you will need to educate yourself on ASD so you can learn the different ways his brain works. See the link at the top of this board for recommended reading material. I understand how the other poster's comments were offensive to you but this board has a lot of posters who will not censor their posts and will post matter of factly. This is also a major part of AS. We embrace the views of everyone, especially those adults who have walked the path our children are walking and can give us first hand accounts of what they may be thinking or feeling.

Welcome to WP. There is a wealth of information on this site and it is a valuable resource for asking questions-as long as you are open to whatever suggestions may come up. I think you'll find something will resonate and work it you give it a chance.

Good luck.

Those are definitely behaviors you don't want to stop.

It does sound frustrating. But I think you need to stop seeing this as the enemy, something to be defeated. In your particular case, with such a strong passion, redirection and limits probably aren't possible either. I say roll with it. Make sure he has plenty of opportunities to do stuff with fans and whatever else. But not just that. See if you can't make it educational-- buy him books about electronics (preferably with lots of pictures), give him old appliances to take apart (show him how, and while he's doing it, see if you can teach him what the parts are for, or even just their names). Read up on it yourself so you understand it.

As frustrating as it is, you really won't get anywhere trying to make him stop.

Oh, and one other thing-- wrt disassembling, fans are actually pretty boring. Other things are generally more interesting. Also, be sure you have the right screwdrivers. Get a bunch.

welcome to wrong planet, mamalove.

one thing new members should really try to remember is that this is an autistic board. you'll find a lot of non-autistic parents here in the parenting forum, but the vast majority of posters are autistics. autistics say what they mean and are very direct, and generally dont sugar coat things or speak tactfully to spare feelings. you wont find much intent to hurt, but if you arent used to being around a whole group of people who dont pull their punches, it may take some getting used to here.

something very common in those on the spectrum, especially with asperger's, is special interests. thats what they are called when someone has an interest that goes beyond the usual in intensity, detail, or focus. and an interest in moving or spinning objects isnt unusual at all. sounds like jonah could have either a special interest in fans and washers, or he could just be fascinated with the spinning motion. both of these things are perfectly typical for autistics.

my SO was one of those children who took things apart all the time, just to see how they work. he STILL is always messing with our electronics, which is fine when it works, but frustrating when it doesnt. he once broke a brand new original xbox (when xbox's were still a new thing and expensive) trying to mod it. so i cant say this kind of curiosity goes away with time =P my youngest son doesnt take things apart, but he sure does like to destroy, so much so we used to call him "peanut the destroyer" like in the movie the ant bully.

i would suggest a few things:
- realize that this is part of your child. getting angry over something he cant control isnt going to make things easier for either of you. it will just stress you both.
- provide him with ways he can indulge his interests in spinning objects, instead of constantly trying to divert or redirect him. maybe you can get him one of those battery operated hand held foam-bladed fans. they are not likely to hurt him and he can watch it all he wants without interfering with your laundry. they are also portable, and you can take them with you to the open house, or the library, or other places where you think it may help him. you can also find small phones or clocks, etc, with clear cases so you can see the insides working.
- find things he can put together or take apart. old small appliances are not very safe for 4 yr olds, but you can always try things like motorized erector sets.

as for wetting himself, it could indeed be a stress reaction, or it could also be simply being too busy to stop and use the restroom or even realize he needs to. reduce the stress he is under, give him outlets for watching spinning objects or learning how things work, and remind him frequently to use the restroom.

raising an asd child can be incredibly difficult. its full of struggle, frustration, pain, anger.... try not to let these emotions be directed AT your child. realize that these things that anger you are simply part of who he is. he cant help it. he isnt trying to be bad or upset you, and he cant control some of the NEEDS he has to watching spinning objects or figure out how things work.

to me, and all i have to go on is your posts, his obsessiveness isnt a real problem FOR HIM, but it is FOR YOU. i bet if you relax about his fascinations, and stop trying to prevent them, this will become less of an issue for you. instead of trying to stop his behaviors, try to give him alternatives that fit into your family life.

again, welcome to wp. your jonah sounds like a very interesting little boy!

Welcome to WP!

Just thinking about parenting my 4 year old with two other children the same age at the same time makes me feel anxious! I really feel for you!

I like the idea of finding things he can disassemble or play with and have the opportunity to watch the parts move... Maybe if there's a way to give him the satisfaction of doing this in a more appropriate way, he'll accept limits when you're out and about.

My son loves any kind of toy that has moving parts, flashy lights and/or makes noise. If that's something that irritates you, try to muster up the ability to tolerate these kinds of toys, because you might find they will keep your boy more occupied than you'd ever imagine!

Those little toys with the spinning light in the globe, for instance, are good. Also, what about those little portable fans they sell in the summertime? The blades on them bend back when they hit something, so I don't think he could get hurt on it or anything. I feel like I've seen something like this in the candy aisle too.

I also wonder if his desire to look at fans moving all the time have something to do with a need for vestibular input? Does he currently get occupational therapy for Sensory integration issues? It might be something to look into!

I understand feeling frustrated and getting angry with your child. It's not something you want to ever feel about one of your babies, but it happens. I have found myself wondering when my other child will get to be the one who gets all the attention! Sometimes I feel like I'm short changing her because I have to do so much with him. But honestly, as we've gotten a handle on this stuff, it's lessened up quite a bit.

Do as much as you can to educate yourself on raising a child with Asperger's and seek out therapists and professionals who can help you think about how to best parent this child who is much more difficult to parent than your other kids! Thing is, our kids don't have to be seen as DIFFICULT to parent necessarily. It's just that conventional wisdom about what works with kids just doesn't help us. There are lots of strategies out there though. This board is really helpful. good luck to you!

Also he might not be aware that he needs to use the restroom-- like, he might need to actually ask his body, rather than it making him aware in the background. Or he might have trouble sequencing the actions or transitioning.

I think the obsession with fans is about watching them and there is something in the movement of them that stimulates is eyes. Anything that you can take with you that will allow him to do the same thing is going to help him. You do need to try and find a way to work with him and not against him. What you can use at home is one thing, but I suspect you also need something that you can carry with you. I would think that something as simple as a stick that he can twist and watch the different things swirl around would be helpful for him. It is a form of stimming and you do need to try to educate yourself about Autism to fully understand it, but with a houseful of preschoolers that cannot be easy. When out and about it may be useful to use child restraint things. Something that ties a cord around his wrist or something and that you can know he is within arms reach. You have to decide whether the looks you will get from other people are worse than the looks you get when he is out of control. It is not cruel to him, but that does not mean that others will understand it that way. There are things I see these days with back packs and the like that the children wear, a teddy bear on their backs a cord from that to the parent. He will not understand the risks of running off that your other children will, and cannot see that what he is doing is wrong. He has a need to stim and that is what calms him down. Finding other ways to allow him to calm down is important, but until then you need to work with him not against him and trying to stop him is working against him. Redirecting him to something else that he can do to safely engage in that behaviour is more likely to work than trying to redirect him away from the behaviour full stop.

Occupational Therapists are usually great at helping with sensory issues and this is a sensory issue, but it would be best if you could find one that specialises in Autism Spectrum Disorders. The local autism groups and the like should be able to refer to one if you can afford to pay for it, otherwise request it as part of the IEP process with the school is my understanding of how the system works in the US.

I suspect the pants wetting is about stress and about him being removed from the stimming more than he wants to be. I suspect the stimming has a very comforting role to it for him and the more he does it the more he is comforted and yet he is also stressed becasue he cannot understand why he is being redirected from it. It is important to him and you need to respect that. You need to find a way for him to engage in some form of activity that will allow him the same comforting feelings and that use the same senses, which I suspect is primarily sight, and which will not annoy others as much and not cause him to have to seek out such things on their own.

In a way stimming could be seen a transition object for a young child. We encourage them to take teddies to bed or the like and they are comforted by them. Some children have blankets that get so worn they have to be prized from the child's fingers just to wash them, and they carry them absolutely everywhere. Fans and the like are similar things to your child. They are a comfort to him and he gains from watching them and is calmed by watching them. Hence what he needs is something that he can watch which does not involve electricity or other noises that will annoy you and other people!! ! Hence he has a need to have that sense stimulated, like a child has a need to have their teddy or blanket with him. Sure a teddy or blanket is much easier to cope with, but if you can find something he can carry with him and twirl in his hands and the like you may be able to allow him to cope better away from such things.

Maybe, but I wouldn't make assumptions.



I doubt that.



What is wrong with you??



You think you have a better way than stimming? Is stimming inherently a bad thing? Sounds like you think it is.



Until then??? How about forever???



HUGE assumption. It MIGHT be a sensory issue. It might be a special interest. It might be both or neither.



Concur.



I think you're making this out to be a bad thing and in need of an alternative when there NO indication of that. This is nothing you need to worry about or try to change.



If he were NT and shouting or running around or whatever, you wouldn't say that. Seriously, he is four. Four-year-olds play in annoying ways. They are being kids. It is important to let them do this.

EDIT: ...Wow, I came off as way rude. But I can't think of a way to sound less rude without coming off as less adamant. And I will not tolerate the slightest bit of weakness in such an important position. Consider this a failure of effective communication on my part. But I mean everything I've said, I just don't mean the undercurrent of "I hate you and you should die." Which I didn't actually say. I mean everything I did say.

Thank you for all the replies & suggestions. I really appreciate it. I'm still learning A LOT about this disorder & will continue to educate myself. One thing his psychologist said was to use his fascinations (i.e, fans, etc.) as rewards. For instance, I would say, "Jonah, if you sit & read your book for 8 minutes, you may watch (flip the switch, etc.) the fan for 2 minutes."

All 3 of my kids have been in speech & occupational therapy. Since they were preemies & were a little behind, we started with a program that helped them. At about age 2, he was diagnosed with sensory integration. Then at almost age 4, we started seeing a psychologist at the children's hospital and she diagnosed him with Autism Spectrum Disorder/Aspergers. They attend a pre-school where speech/occupational therapy is given.

I love my kiddos so much & fought very hard to bring them in to the world, and I will continue to fight. I know this is who Jonah is and I won't ever try to change that. I just want to help him in any way possible. Again, thank you for the replies & I look forward to seeing all the great things this board will offer.

Mamma love, this is a really difficult time and there is a fine line that you need to remember for your sake and the future of all your lovely children. To him, the fan or the washing turning thing is his whole world! Its what makes him tick. If someone took away your tv, or something that makes you tick! how would you feel? Pretty difficult but then you and I would possibly adapt and get used to it not being there, we would understand the reason and we would find other things to do and not need the tv anymore. Autistic cant do that, that is it for him at that time. He may develop over time, but it is as it is.


He sounds quite high on the spectrum, you will do this and the more you educate yourself the more you can teach the other two. You will be surprised how the others will get it in time!

Kind regards

Hi Mamalove-

Your son sounds a lot like mine. He is 5.5, and he loves touching things in the house. He loves getting our telephones and pushing the buttons so that he can hear the recorded message from the operator come on. He likes to replay our answering machine messages so that he can memorize them and repeat them later. He is "fascinated" (I like to use that word instead of obsessed) with bathrooms so every time we go somewhere, he likes to run and check out the bathroom first. He is "fascinated" with car makes and models, so every time we see one that he particularly loves, I have to remind him not to just take off running towards it. He also likes fans too, but not as much as your son. He actually loved fans more when he was a baby, but he is still interested in them and light switches (turning them on and off)

I know that these behaviors can be frustrating and sometimes downright difficult. I feel like I am constantly watching my son to make sure he isn't getting into something he is not supposed to. I can't imagine even doing this and having to watch 2 other kids.

I do use the tip that your psychologist used about using these things as rewards. For instance, sometimes I tell my son, if you can get a good report from school, I will let you play with the phone for a little while.

Another tip I got from a speech therapist that has been very helpful is to make the object seem like a person. For instance, when my son is obsessing on a car that we see in a parking lot, I will let him look at it for a few minutes, I tell him, you can look, but we can't touch other peoples cars. Then after a few minutes I will say, "Okay, let's say goodbye to the car. "Byebye car" This has worked really good for us. He still loves the cars, but it is not as bad as it used to be.

Another tip a parent gave me is to indulge them in it 1 time. For instance, when you go to the library, tell your son, "Okay Jonah, we are going to look at the ceiling fan first, and then we are going to look at books with the other kids"
You might also say, if you can listen to the story, then you can look at the ceiling fan on the way out.

Another thing we do is to set a timer, and let him do his activity for a set amount of time. I will say "okay, you can play with the phone for 15 minutes, and I will set the timer. I will give him 2 warnings before it is time to give it up, and then he doesn't get as upset when it is over.

My son's special interests seem to come and go. One will fade, and another one will take it's place. This is just something you will have to learn to accept about your son. I know it is frustrating, but if you learn to work with him on it and compromise, it will get a little better.

As far as the wetting himself, I totally agree with you. My son did this just the other night. He was looking at something on the TV, and he yelled from the other room, "I have to pee" and I said "Go to the bathroom" and he didn't, and when I walked into the room, he had peed on the floor. He doesn't do this very often, but I think it totally has to do with them getting involved in what they are doing and not wanting to take the time to go pee.

Hang in there, and I hope you will keep coming here. We may not have all of the answers, but at least you know you are not alone!

One thing I forgot to mention is that watching a ceiling fan very well might have some sensory related things tied to it. My son has (even though it has improved a lot) vestibular issues (affects balance) Many autistics love to spin themselves or watch or play with spinning objects. When you take him to the playground, give him lots of opportunities to spin. Or get a sit and spin for him to do at home. Studies have shown that spinning is actually good for brain development. Even NT kids spin themselves to some degree.

Thank you, angelbear for the tips & advice. My son does sound similar to your's. And I like that you use "fascinated" instead of "obsessed". I will be changing the way I use that word I appreciate your advice!