Today's battle, any advice????

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Anyone want to weigh in on today's battle???? My 13 year old has a boyfriend. So far it's been going okay but true to her ASD she is fixated on him and her emotions are completely over the top. He is a good boy and has responsible parents when she goes over to his house they always have a chaperone and aren't left alone. He is 15. His parents go bowling every Sunday evening and he stays home alone. Last week, she went over to a different friends house that lives a couple of blocks from there and claims she had no intention of sneaking over to his house, but once at the friends she felt like going over and visiting with boyfriend. She called him, he said okay she could come over. She claims that if he had said no she wouldn't have gone, but she doesn't realize at all how manipulative she is and how she never takes no for an answer, so I am not really sure if he said no and she argued him into it, or if he just said yes. Anyway, she called me and told me she was doing this so she wouldn't be in trouble and told me I couldn't say no, because she was doing it anyway. I tried to reason with her tell her it wasn't appropriate to break his parents rules, and if they got caught she wouldn't be welcome there anymore and their relationship would be over as well as the trouble he would get in to with them. She didn't care about any of these things and walked over there anyway. I gave her a little time and then picked her up from there. When she got in the car I said never again. This was not appropriate and tolerable behavior. She got upset and told me I didn't know what I was talking about, it's no big deal, blah, blah, blah, they have planned it again for every Sunday. She said had no intention of going over to his house but the thought just popped into her mind and she wanted to. I told her that she was a smart girl and I don't believe for a second that this thought hadn't occurred to her previously. I told her sorry, it wasn't going to happen again I couldn't knowingly break another parents rules and I frankly completely agree with their rules and didn't want them be alone at home again either. Well, today is Sunday. We fought about it all day yesterday, she's going and can't accept why I would say no and screams at me "Don't fight with me!! !" . I am at my wit's end with this one. Any advice????? By the way, I didn't tell her Dad about the situation last week as she would have been grounded and unable to see this boy again, he is completely old-school and doesn't really see how the ASD relates to her behavior. Because he is the final authority in the house, she does do what he says but is building up a pretty big bank of hatred towards him so I try to not go to him with these things until I can't take it anymore and then he lays down the law. Today is going to be a very long day.

I don't envy you. I'm not a parent, so I can't say for sure, but this doesn't sound like AS; it just sounds like being a stroppy teenager who doesn't respect you. I think you should tell your husband (yeah, she may 'hate' him whilst she's a teenager, but as long as he's not an actual monster, she'll get over it).

Alternatively, can you tell her boyfriend's parents (under the guise of 'just asking if it's ok...')? It is their house and their son after all, so you shouldn't have to shoulder all the responsibility by yourself.
Good luck...

I think letting dad help field this one is a good idea. If the psychology is sound, dad is the role model for all your daughter may be looking for in a boy. If he puts his foot down in this situation, it will be sending an entirely different message than hearing it from mom. I'd try my best to give dad the behavioral tips about her Asperger's before he gets into it - even if he balks, he will have your guidance in the back of his mind, especially if she acts out in a way you predicted.

call him and invite him to your house for a bar-b-que or pizza or something on those evenings. also, i know she is young but if she is going to insist on being with this boy unsupervised you may want to get her on some reliable birthcontrol just incase. i say reliable because the pill is not all that reliable but there are lots of other birth controls out there that are more effective. as for not telling dad, parents are supposed to be a united front. by keeping him in the dark about these things you are showing her that it's okay to act out in this way as long as dad doesn't find out.

Maybe I'm wrong in saying this, but the more you fight, the less you win. Let her fall on her face and lose this guy. It's the only way to learn. Parents are too involved as it is.

It does seem that the more I fight the more I lose. She cannot, nor does she care to accept reason. The only reason why her dad isn't involved in this is because his involvement makes her behavior worse, then he dishes out a punishment that I don't agree with but I have to stick to even if it something that is completely out-of-bounds to except an ASD kid to do. We haven't had family therapy yet because the center here that does that won't do it until the diagnosis has been made and we are on the wait list (6 months long) for the testing. I am just kind of patching things along day by day until we can get some help. It just doesn't seem there is ever a peaceful way to get her to see what I see. Sometimes I do let her fall flat on her face and then, she gets it. Rarely even shedding a tear, however, when others are involved and might suffer the consequences with her as well as developing a bad name for herself I try to get her to see that you can't treat people in this way and I just can't seem to get through to her. In this case I don't think it's necessarily because she doesn't respect me, or wants to walk all over me, because she seems too, but she just can't accept why we all think this is bad and why to have such a stupid rule in the first place. Through my reading on WP I have found some threads regarding ASDers having difficulty understanding social hierarchy therefore not understanding parents as the authority. When I try to peacefully explain the reasons to her why we don't allow this (them to be completely alone in his home) or anything else for that matter her argument is always the same "you haven't given me a reason" even if I just listed off a dozen reasons. She just can't see how any of these reasons matter at all because for the most part they are just in the way of what she wants to do. As far as inviting the boy here, I suggested that and have given her only two options at this point- he comes over during his parents bowling time, or she sees him prior to his parents bowling time. No way will I take her over there during that time. but the fight continues.....

VENTING- aarrrhhhggggghhhhhhh!! !! ! I think I am going to be the one having a meltdown. My child seriously could make Mother Theresa denounce Jesus Christ as the son of God!! !! !!

She's a hormonal teenager who most likely thinks she knows best and that you are out dated and just don't trust her. She is semi right, you don't trust her. You know what it's like to be a hormonal teen and all the things that can happen in the heat of the moment.
Dad sounds like he isn't on the same page with you, I get it, you don't want to make matters worse by involving him.
Call the boys parents, tell them that even though you do trust both kids and they are good kids generally, you as a parent understand that some times things can happen and lead to more things happening very quickly. Suggest that they either take their son with them or ask if he can be dropped off at your house and picked up on their way home.
At the very least, myself as a parent of boys would like to be given a heads up on whats going on when I'm not around. I'm sure they would feel the same.

Good luck, I don't envy you

Thank you for your suggestions. Over the course of the day I tried to make all these suggestions however they were met with complete opposition. I have been subjected to hours of screaming at me bloody murder and being told how I cause this pain and if I cared I would just do this one thing. On and on. but I tried my best to keep calm and just keep repeating the reasons over and over. She refused to go into her room and though she didn't break anything or hurt anyone though she repeatedly threatened to hurt herself. Now I have told her that I have to tell her dad about this, because I can't tolerate this and I can't bear this behavior on my own and now it's starting over again because she doesn't want me to tell him. How much can a person be expected to take?????

Wow. Ugh. My mum would have killed me before I would be allowed talk to her like that.

I know you feel her dad isn't sympathetic to her AS, but we're not all that different to normal teenagers; many of us were never diagnosed until adulthood, so got the same treatment as anyone else. Sometimes it works.

Lene, Thank you for your response. I know that many people here on WP have been diagnosed later and lived most of their lives without consideration of their differences. That is one of the reasons I am here. I guess I want to learn from you all, what should I tolerate from her, what will make her life better, and what will make it worse. Many of you are remarkably intelligent and have learned to deal with life with us NT's because we force it on you and yes, that is the "real world", majority rules crap, and she has to be able to function in it, but on the other hand, I want to be able to help her along the way to identify the things that work, the things that don't work, and how to be who she is in spite of the challenges the real world provides. I don't want to speak for all parents here, but I think many of us walk the line of trying to understand, trying to help, and not hurt. There are many people here who have expressed having so much pain in their life due to being misunderstood, some pain is a necessary to become who you are more fully, but that pain shouldn't be scarring and coloring the way you look at the world forever, then it ceases to be the normal amount of pain that a person should be expected to deal with. Thanks for your honesty I appreciate it, and perhaps I tolerate too much but I don't really know where to draw the line right now.

This is so hard to figure out sometimes, especially when it is hard to tell exactly what your child can't do vs won't do. But just from your description it sounds like perhaps in an effort to accommodate her ASD (which is a worthy and important thing to do) you have lowered your standards for her behaviour too far.

For example she may simply be unable to stop obsessing about this boy or to make healthy, logical choices when it comes to him, and she may have difficulty accepting authourity figures or staying calm in an emotionally charged situation BUT there is nothing in the diagnosis of ASD that means that she can't or shouldn't learn to speak to you without "screaming bloody murder" or be held accountable for following your rules at the age of 14. She is going to need more guidance and boundaries than your average teenager, not less.

I was a troubled teen girl myself once, and I now recognize that a great deal of my troubles were due to the fact that I simply couldn't function in the world at the level I was expected to, due to my sensory issues, executive dysfunction, social clueless-ness etc. What would have helped me? Lots and lots of support, and real, tangible help (with schoolwork, organization etc. and a therapist I trusted or some adult role model other than my parents to talk to). Sounds like you are more than ready to give her understanding and patience, which is huge. Also clear attainable goals and expectations, predictable rules and routines. By 14, I don't think punishments would have motivated me much, they would have just made me more resistant and distrustful, but the right rewards could definitely have been used to shape my behaviour. What does your daughter really want?

Also as a Mom to boys, I would absolutely want to know that some girl was over at my house without my permission when I wasn't home, and if I found out that the other parent knew about the situation without informing me, I would be very upset. I think it is your rather uncomfortable duty to let those other parents know what is going on. They may just end up becoming your greatest allies for keeping your daughter safe and out of trouble for as long as she is seeing this boy.

I think the majority of what you're dealing with is teenage girl, with a sprinkle of autism.

I have learned here to not sweat the small stuff and to make sure an issue really matters before I make an issue of it.

In this case, it is completely appropriate to take a firm stand.

Here's what I would say....

I am not ok with my teenager being in any house, unsupervised. It is not allowed and that is a house rule. Treating each other respectfully is also a house rule, and this is not working for me. I don't like it.

If you don't want me to talk with dad, follow the rules and I won't need to. I was your age and remember it well there is a reason for the rule and your bugging me is not going to change anything.

Boyfriend is always welcome here when there's an adult around.

Oh Bitter, what are we like, you and I trying so hard to accomodate the As, your daughter sounds so like mine.

You have given your reasons. Sometimes there is just a simple no. You have explained, she does'nt see your point of view. Then so be it the answer is still no!

The biggest possibility is that if she goes against it, the parents will bar her from the house altogether, he will be in trouble and lose his parents trust. You and the parents will no longer support the relationship and they will not be able to see each other at his house. The boy will be in trouble and lose his parents trust, so she will get him in to trouble too.

The reward for following the guidelines are:

They will allow her in the house to see the son, you will also support the relationship and they are free to spend time together.

Ensure she understands that she does not have a right to go when she pleases and change her going into a reward for sensible behaviour. By going against you, she is disrespecting you. I tell my daughter, its ok if you dont feel how I feel or love me or care what I feel, I can deal with that. I will not allow you do disrespect me.

On dad, as you know I am on my own so always struggle with this one. Be brave and deal with this alone but do not give in.

On the face of it, my daughter is choosing to still abuse me verbally and had a major meltdown as I took her phone the other day. Reason being, she was throwing food out of the window and leaving mess everywhere, swearing and being vile. She has stopped the swearing and she has cleaned up the mess. Todays mess will be cleaned up before she has the laptop regardless of the battle. Go for it. I am hoping that my daughter will come to the realisation that she wants to avoid meltdowns, they take a lot of energy and drain you and make you feel rubbish. Lets hope they learn that and avoid making things more difficult for themselves eventually. Fight Bitter, you are righter that right. Dont give in!

Cloudy x x x x x x Thinking of you x x x x





An idea, or what I would try.

She's acting like a normal teenager, with the exception of the fact that the normal teenager isn't going to initially be honest with you, and would have just gone over there without telling you.

When I was a teenager, on the rare occasion I had a friend, it was usually a guy, and my parents didn't have a problem with us being alone, but they knew I would never do anything I wasn't supposed to (which was anything my parents would have done at that age) I would like to think most people with AS have that same degree of responsibility but that probably isn't the case and most teens with AS are probably only marginally more responsible than NT teens with respect to these things.

To be honest, I don't really know that this is actually your battle to fight. You have a teenage daughter, who, so far, has been honest with you in telling you her whereabouts. I think that is something you don't want to discourage. It's his parents that don't want him having girls (or maybe friends) over when they aren't home. It doesn't really matter how "manipulative" your daughter is, if her boyfriend is letting her come over when he isn't allowed to have anyone over, it is an issue between him and his parents, who perhaps should be alerted anonymously that he is having people over when he shouldn't.

Honestly though, this is something my parents wouldn't have bothered in having any dealings with. They had enough trying to enforce their own rules at home, they couldn't be bothered with trying to enforce the rules of other parents.

I am the mom of an Aspie boy. Even if he wasn't Aspie, I would want to know what was going on. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE tell the parents of the boy! This will help them, it will help them guide their son, and probably help your daughter too. It may even make your problem go away as it may resolve itself though them.

I have actually ended a friendship with the mother of my son's "best friend" because she was not telling me things that were going on, that she was aware of. Frankly, I can hardly be civil to her I am so angry.

Result - I don't trust her. My son is not allowed to play with this boy under her supervision. He is still friends with this boy, but can only play with him at school, at the sports gym, or anywhere else where the supervision is guided by others.

Your daughter is acting like a girl infatuated with her boyfriend (NORMAL), her boyfriend is acting the way teenage boyfriends act (also NORMAL). This is going on in his parents home and they do not know (common and normal); they are trusting him being alone because it's time he learn how to handle that responsibility. He is learning that responsibilty - he has not mastered it, he's learning it. Work with them on this - you both want whats best. It takes a village.