Parents on the spectrum

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Go talk to a doctor that specialize in postpartum depression, they sometimes contact cps so make sure you be truthful but careful.

Well if it started when your work resumed, then it could very well be the stress of having two very big and conflicting responsibilities on your shoulders. The weekend relieves you of the mental stress of work.
I had postpartum depression with both of my pregnancies.. When I saw that it wasn't clearing up on its own, I went to the mental health center and they gave me wellbutrin. I was on it for about a year, and then I was in the all clear to come off of it.
I'm not sure about the CPS thing that mizzfamousone is talking about. I know this may be the case if they diagnose you with postpartum psychosis. Postpartum psychosis is nothing to mess around with; a woman could be a danger to her children as well as to herself.

OK new topic. I have a son with AS in 7th grade and I strongly believe I am somewhere on the spectrum. That out of the way, here is my problem. I recently got something from the school regarding parental input for IEP for next year (and beyond). They want my thoughts on how the school could help but also wanted to know my "visions" for his future. They want to know where I thought he would be working after high school and what he would be doing in his spare time and what his ideas for a career would be. Doesn't that seem like a bit much? He's 13 for God's sake. I feel like I'm being asked to come up with some b.s. and I'm stumped. I honestly don't know what to say. He doesn't either. I have personally always been very bad about setting goals. I feel like I should be more up on things and I've been too busy just existing. I feel deficient as a parent that I'm pushing him towards some grand plan. Thoughts?

Well I feel better and it was just a phase I was going through.

Can you tell them that's too soon and are they crazy? I didn't know back then either what I'd be doing and didn't like thinking of the future.

Unfortuatenly at the start of my son's 8th grade year I felt like I suddenly woken up in the middle of the ocean, cast from my cruise ship, realizing I was supposed to have been planning my son's future all along, and I was already behind. Seriously.

It comes out like this: if your child wants to go into something like engineering, there are certain math classes he will need in high school. Those take X years to complete. If he isn't in the right math class in 8th grade, he will not be able to complete the desired series in high school.

Variations on the above theme occur in almost every subject.

But, geez, when you are worrying if your child can ever learn to write, or ever get through homework without having 3 meltdowns, what are the odds you've tuned into any of these things?

Well, the NT parents to NT kids - - they mostly have.

And this is why they are asking.

I think the answer can be very general:

- will or will not go to college to further his education
- high likelihood of entering a highly technical field (engineering, programming, etc)
- leans towards the arts and would love to pursue that direction
- will be thrilled to get any job at all ever because worries about the sensory / anxiety etc issues

Of course you don't really know, but you are deciding a direction of focus for the next four years, and that direction of focus sets up for the four years after that. Directions can ALWAYS be changed, but that can also take a LOT of time and catch up, so if there is a preferred path, you want to be making the right choices for it starting, well, now.

Annoying, isn't it?

My son does have a direction, and sort of always has: he wants to be an inventor but knows that isn't super likely, so he's getting his ducks in a row for programming or engineering, lots of math and science, and early exposure to computer game making platforms, because one possibility is becoming a game designer (he is an AMAZING story teller, creating these incredible worlds in his head). Back up ideas include being a writer, and being a chef. Who knows what he'll really do but all of the above is a start and a direction. And even then I still wasn't thinking past "needs to learn to write" and "needs to control meltdowns" to "must take course X in year Y to qualify for Z."

Glad to know I'm not the only one who had to be hit over the head with it

Oh, and the next one: college applications are due in the fall of Senior year so research is supposed to start in Sophmore year, and grades count from the day 1 Freshman year.

Yeah, when I woke up I ran around and asked, "what else am I missing?"

But we all have a chance some big wrecking ball will smash any planning we do and we're back to getting our families through the immediate needs, and hoping that the world will still be there when we're ready to engage with it. Thankfully, yes, it will be - - just maybe not every last corner of it. You know, you'll deal, right?

@DW_a_mom
Thanks for replying. My son has a predominate interest in world history but I don't know if that might not change. The problem is me and my own lack of direction. It's farcical for me to be the guiding light here. I'm glad I have family to ask. I sort of fell into art school. I was taking a few classes over the summer and at the point I needed to officially apply and become degree seeking, they just let me in because they liked my work.They waived the portfolio requirements. My parents didn't push the issue of my college major choice because I was "so fragile" in my mother's words. So I have a BFA and have worked menial jobs ever since. So I have no real life experience in making the right choices. I was talking to someone who told me about the son of a friend who's application to a university was rejected despite near perfect grades. The reason was his lack of community involvement and extracurricular activities. Anyway, the form I mentioned is actually overdue and the kids are on Spring Break now. I think I will email the teacher and just tell her I don't know what to say. I think they already think I'm a weirdo.

You're not a wierdo. Just think of yourself as never having wanted to limit yourself to a single direction because there is so much in this world that is interesting

I really didn't have a choice. My father was quite clear that the ride ended on date X and we would need to have good jobs, and he was quite clear that what he thought were fluff majors would never get us good jobs (I think he was partially wrong there, but that is more complicated). So, I ran up against a deadline and pulled an accounting major out of the hat. Turns out I do like being a CPA / tax professional, but it isn't like I ever dreamed of it. I dreamed teacher - doctor - oceanographer - artist, in roughly that order. I guess I didn't go too far off track; I do lots of artsy stuff as a mom with the PTA, and before I had kids I spent a lot of time in evening art classes. Our house is actually filled with my own art. Oceanography ... well, my daughter wants to be a marine biologist. Maybe I'll get to live that one through her

It isn't a bad exercise to say, "if I have to pick a career oriented education, what would it be?" Or, maybe it is easier to say, "what would it not be?" Definitely tune the counselors at school into the fact that you don't feel comfortable offering your child guidance on this, and let him get exposed to an array of opinions about how to approach the whole question.

But, yes, he probably should put it on his radar, and you probably should put it on yours. Which is beyond the whole issue of having to turn in one form.

As for college - - that is tough. I do think my son needs to beef up his resume, and do more that will make him stand out. We did a private high school application that I think of as a dry run for future college, and it definitely showed us how unprepared we currently are for the process. BUT. There are always schools to go to if grades are fine. Just maybe not THE school you want to go to. So, we're working on it ... but not THAT hard.

I'm 38 and expecting my first child in September... I was diagnosed only a few months before I got pregnant. Anyone else been here? My sensory issues are all sorts of whacko right now and I have extreme anxiety about all of this. I suspect my partner is an undiagnosed Aspie and the difficulties with my pregnancy have forced us to separate, though we will likely work it out, as we are both really committed to that, plus we are a good match in stubbornness. First guy I've ever been with who is so much like me... we just butt heads so much because of that and are trying to figure out how to work with that... new skills and all.

Anyway, I saw that League Girl is a new mama (hi!!) and I hope that maybe there are some others out there who can help me feel less alone in a sea of NT expectant moms.

A lot of great advice. I'm not sure what NT stands for though. I've seen it all over the place here!

As a single parent, you will always be a single parent to your child. Ultimately, you will have the final say. Your now husband needs to respect your decisions even if he disagrees. He is stepping out of line by taking charge or second-guessing you, especially in front of the child.

I've been fortunate that way. I've been a single parent for the past 8 years or so and my new partner is learning her way around ADHD, Autism, behavioural issues... She never over-rides my authorities and if she disagrees with my approach (which is rare), she will discuss it with me when my son is in bed. She will also discuss it with me in an objective way and not in a belittling way.. this is where your husband needs to watch his tongue!

Despite that, I've had the Behaviour Consultant explain things as well so my partner is hearing the same message from different sources .. not just my own. It takes away the "power-struggle" of who is right or wrong. Have you considered in getting an outsider involved? Your hubby is clearly new to the game and doesn't understand that approaching our children the same way you would a typical child, will only increase the behaviours and not decrease them. Also, "brat" is just another label, and a negative one at that. It doesn't help the situation. It doesn't bring clarity. It just shifts blame in a very subjective and unsupportive way. Pointless!

I would have a talk with your husband and tell him that you understand how he feels. However, respect is respect. If he needs to address something with you, he needs to do so privately and without losing his cool. If he can't handle that (I'm assuming he's not diagnosed with anything) then if marriage counselling doesn't work out, I'd question your marriage all together. Sounds harsh, I know. But you have to put your children first and if he's adding to the problem, it's going to make things more challenging for everyone all around. That's just my blunt opinion.. and as a single mom in a relatively new relationship.

Ok.. I deal with this one from time to time and I used to talk to him privately and just try to support the differences .. keep the peace etc.. but then one day there was this little switch that flipped and I just decided that I was old enough to deal with the being blasted better than our girl is. LOL So.. if I feel it's getting unfair or just too much I go in and open my big mouth and send her on to her room. Generally I get blasted but that's ok. This is not a common occurrence either .. maybe once every few months that I just step in bc I think he is too mad and putting her on the spot and I can see she is panicking. It's very important to her to have Dads approval .. she doesnt really care if she pisses me off

I think sometimes you just have to decide who is in a better place to withstand the blasting.. you or your child.

I am in some desperate need of help with bedtime and was wondering if anyone could give me some suggestions. This is a little embarrassing and I already feel bad about it, so please just tips and not any hurtful comments.

I am an Aspie with Fibromyalgia. I have 4 children ages 2, 4, 6 and 7. My husband has always done bedtime and bath time with the kids. But, he works 2nd shift now. Sometimes my kids go days without a bath because I either forget to do bath time before they go to bed bc I got engrossed in my online work or I am so sore by that time that I can't manage it. Sometimes, I barely make it through getting all 4 kids just in their bedclothes and into bed so that I can crawl into bed. Then, I can't sleep all night and end up sleeping during the day while my husband watches the kids in the morning. Usually he doesn't get up before the kids either, so the older kids who aren't in a crib will get up and completely destroy the house. I don't want it to be like this anymore, but all my attempts to change the situation fail. It makes me feel like a failure. All parents probably wish they had a housekeeper or a nanny, but I feel like it is essential, but that is just dreaming bc I have no money for that.

How can I get this turned around so that all 4 kids are getting regular baths and not destroying the house? Its a neverending battle and my husband doesn't help around the house or clean like he used to. Now he says things like Why don't I do it myself, but he doesn't stop to realize why I can't. I don't even really know why I can't. It makes me feel lazy, which I am not. On a day when I am not in pain from the Fibro I can spend hours at a time doing one cleaning task like cleaning and organzing the whole laundryroom etc. But, I get overwhelmed when the whole house looks like a tornado hit it and no one else helps clean it up, they expect me to clean it all up on my own, and I can't do it. Then bedtime comes and I just want to get the kids in bed and not do bedtime times 4. Please help. What can I do to make sure that the kids get their baths and that the house stays cleaner? Thanks!

Please read above message first.

Also, wanted to note that it hasn't been like this the whole marriage or the whole time with my kids. It is a new thing since my husband went to 2nd shift. Before kids and even in the first few years of being a mom, my house was always more organized and clean. If my husband gives the baths, puts the kids to bed and I can lay down by 8 p.m. then I can get up in the morning easily and manage life. But, since he is on 2nd shift life is in shambles. It doesn't seem to bother anyone else. But, it is causing me much distress right now and NTs wouldn't understand. Not even sure other Aspies would understand. As far as bath time, I have always had trouble with that. My mom had to give my first born son his first bath bc I was afraid to do it. So, now here I am having to do 4 baths a night. Usually my husband does the baths and I just come in and wash each kids hair bc he can't do the hair.

I think I really just need him to get back on 2nd shift so that life will go back to the way it was!

Hi yesterdaysmom, you have a lot going on and you have little kids....meaning they are young, and you have a lot of them . I was married young and I had three children all who are now adults 24 (son bi polar), 21(daughter NT neuro-typical and 18 ( aspie daughter will be 19 on the 25th of this month). I remarried and had two more kids my son (aspie will be 9 in July) and daughter 6 (classic autism). I was diagnosed after my youngest and then my son and daughter were diagnosed. Anyway, I know what its like to take care of three small children (with issues) dont know if you kids are special needs but you have four of them. I had no help from my X husband (actually he typically made things worse). The only thing that helped me was I put myself on a schedule and put the kids first. I did not give them baths every night except maybe in the summer when they were out playing all day. So certain ones would get a bath on certain days. The one thing I made sure of is that I got them to bed early because then I could have a bit of time for myself. Screw the house if you arent feeling well...you can clean on the weekend or when your husband has time off and since he helped before you can probably get him to help again. Also even though your kids are young they can learn to help clean. Put them on a sticker or some type of system where they earn rewards for doing chores or picking up after themselves. Ive found these work the best.
Right now I have an auto immune disease called Ankylosing spondylitis that is fusing my bones...so I know what its like to live in chronic pain. The only difference is now I get a lot of help. We moved to France (husband is French) and I get two home help aides that do most of the housecleaning and laundry. My kids do pick up after themselves even though they have Autism....they are capable of putting their clothes in the laundry and even my autie can make her bed and pick up her toys.
Just try not to be too hard on yourself and take help wherever you can get it. You may want to look into having someone come help with the housecleaning once a week....you may find that you can afford it if you find someone who is working on their own or a teenager.

Lots and lots of bipolar and/or aspie parents from what I've seen. (Many probably undiagnosed or "in the closet").

I don't know if I am on the spectrum or not but after reading up on ASD's for my son, I suspect I may be. I might not have enough symptoms now to qualify for a diagnosis (and I'm not going to take the time and money on one just to satisfy my curiosity) but I might have when I was younger...but AS did not exist as a diagnosis back in the dark ages, LOL.

You know what the hardest thing for me is? I'm generally someone who won't talk much if he doesn't have anything to say. Small talk and me do not mix. Well that means that for my ASD son, he is not really verbal yet and I know he needs a lot of interaction with his parents. But if he's just sitting there not talking, I'll just do the same thing. Does that make any sense?