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VictoriasMummy
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20 Jul 2006, 9:13 am

Hope this is in the right place....

What scares me most for my 12 year old daughter is that boys will try to take advantage of her sexually. She can be very gullible and overly trusting and I fear that if she is told that "it's alright that I do this" that she will believe it and that she may not tell me or her therapist if something does happen because she may have been told to "keep it private".

Any other parents with these concerns? How do you handle it?



Louise
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20 Jul 2006, 10:07 am

Have you spoken to your daughter about this? Make sure she understands what constitutes inappropriate behaviour from other people, talk to her about her body being her personal property, how other people should respect her, how to say no, etc etc. The biggest factor in this sort of issue is the girl herself, and how educated she is regarding what she should and shouldn't expect from others. (Something as simple as, 'if someone touches you when you've said you don't want him to, it's ok to be violent' will both show the gravity of what you're saying, and will encourage her to protect herself.)



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20 Jul 2006, 1:38 pm

Be sure to provide her with accurate facts about human sexuality. Be sure she understands contraception and why it should be used. Equip her with enough information (and not that abstinece only crap...that's just asking for trouble) so she understands sexual behavior. The more she knows about protecting herself the better she will be at making decisions regarding her sexuality. Abstinence sounds like a great thing, but it isn't useful. It doesn't discourage sex at all, but it does promote risker behaviors. Teens will be less likely to use contraception because they believe it won't work. Keep her safe and prepared for when she is in her teens.

She won't tell you everything. Did you tell your mother everything? Probably not.

What Louise said is perfect. Make sure your daughter knows what's inappropriate behavior for her age group and also how to protect herself. She can do it.



aspiesmom1
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20 Jul 2006, 1:41 pm

My son is entering middle school this year, and I had similar concerns. We have been having "the talk" for the last week or two. We discuss private body areas and functions and most especially we've been discussing never keeping secrets from mom and dad. I kept the lines open with my older two and it worked really well, I think as long as they know they can talk to you without being judged no matter what, you're in a good place.


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jman
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20 Jul 2006, 1:59 pm

I agree maybe you need to have the birds and the bees discussion. I also think maybe you should have more faith in your daughter. People with AS are NOT retarded.



walk-in-the-rain
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20 Jul 2006, 2:09 pm

Sundy wrote:
Abstinence sounds like a great thing, but it isn't useful. It doesn't discourage sex at all, but it does promote risker behaviors. Teens will be less likely to use contraception because they believe it won't work. .


Don't know what that has to do with abstinance - that is saying that it is not acceptable to having sex at a certain time/situation. It has NOTHING to do with giving incorrect information - and believe me - I tell my 13 year old daughter that it is NOT ok to have sex. And really these conversations should have been going on for quite some time now about what is appropriate/innapropriate. There was a second grade boy accused of RAPING a classmate at my daughter's old school - so kids really need to know about this stuff way before they are heading into high school.

And as others have said, try to remember what it would have been like when you were a kid. I don't know too many kids who would appreciate graphic conversations with their parents. This is really about safety and I think it is easier to keep it in that focus. And girls being able to defend themselves with knowing how to fight a guy off could be useful.



walk-in-the-rain
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20 Jul 2006, 2:13 pm

jman wrote:
I agree maybe you need to have the birds and the bees discussion. I also think maybe you should have more faith in your daughter. People with AS are NOT retarded.



Being naive and compliant has nothing to do with being retarded. My daughter has a label of mild MR and she is quite independent and strong willed. She is also a big girl and very well endowed for a 13 year old. One of the boys in the neighborhood was teasing her and she snatched him up and sat on him until he begged for mercy. So, perhaps being AS is more of an issue than being "retarded".



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20 Jul 2006, 3:12 pm

jman wrote:
I agree maybe you need to have the birds and the bees discussion. I also think maybe you should have more faith in your daughter. People with AS are NOT retarded.


No, we are not retarded, but it is a known fact that many of us take things literally and are overly gullible and trusting. I think that it should be of concern. I also don't think it will be effectively taught in health classes in school, because from my experiences, kids tend to react immaturely to these sorts of things when in a group setting.

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20 Jul 2006, 5:36 pm

Having two daughters I agree. And that's without AS or any other 'mental' label on them. Any kids can be gullible and trusting, too much so. Predators take advantage of this.

My AS son is 14 and had been making inappropriate contact with other children, AND a few young adult women. We had a good talk about 'good touch/bad touch' and it seemed to help.


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sweetpraline
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21 Jul 2006, 5:42 am

VictoriasMummy wrote:
Hope this is in the right place....

What scares me most for my 12 year old daughter is that boys will try to take advantage of her sexually.


It's not just boys you have to worry about taking advantage of your daughter. You also have to worry about these grown men, too. There are a lot of pedophiles out there. When I was 12, a man in his late 40s or early 50s tried to approach me. I screamed at him, "Leave me alone you old, nasty, crusty [email protected]"



VictoriasMummy
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21 Jul 2006, 8:11 am

jman wrote:
I agree maybe you need to have the birds and the bees discussion. I also think maybe you should have more faith in your daughter. People with AS are NOT retarded.


I never said they were retarded; and I could have done without the harshness, thank you very much. :?

To the others, yes we have spoken to her about it and she seems interested in learning though she still has some misconceptions. For instance, she once saw me and my husband hugging; she thought we were having sex. On the flip-side, she once walked in on us when we were having sex and she had absolutely no idea what was going on.

She is monitored closely when she is online and I have access to her accounts and passwords. I know she won't tell me everything but I also have to trust that she will come to me if anything weird happens.

Her counsellor and doctor have actually mentioned birth control - of course I have mixed feelings about that but I'm leaning more toward it being a good idea. Her therapist has said already though that many Aspies find sex distasteful which is all fine and dandy but that doesn't protect her if she's forced or tricked into something.

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No, we are not retarded, but it is a known fact that many of us take things literally and are overly gullible and trusting


Exactly, thank you!! ! :D

This is my daughter to a tee - and that is why I am so worried! I realize it's a worry for any parent but with our children I think it's especially worrying.

Thanks for the advice all. :)



riley
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21 Jul 2006, 9:19 am

VictoriasMummy wrote:
To the others, yes we have spoken to her about it and she seems interested in learning though she still has some misconceptions. For instance, she once saw me and my husband hugging; she thought we were having sex. On the flip-side, she once walked in on us when we were having sex and she had absolutely no idea what was going on.

So you've gone into detail about copulation [diagrams etc] and she still doesn't understand? Not sure what to advise with this.. perhaps you just need to persist till she gets the message.
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Her counsellor and doctor have actually mentioned birth control - of course I have mixed feelings about that but I'm leaning more toward it being a good idea.

:? Thats very odd advice IMO. She's 12.. do they suspect that she's being sexually abused? Is she around potential sex offenders alot? Most 12 year olds are suseptable to being preyed upon.. but most teenage boys know that 12 year olds are a no-no.
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Her therapist has said already though that many Aspies find sex distasteful which is all fine and dandy but that doesn't protect her if she's forced or tricked into something.

You might also want to keep in mind that pregnancy is a pretty sure way of finding out if someone has been taking 'sexual advantage' of [raping] your daughter. If you 'protect' her this way, you would in essence would be protecting the abuser from being found out [in which case he would continue 'taking advantage']. Birth control at such a young age might also interfere with her growth and hormones too much.



walk-in-the-rain
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21 Jul 2006, 11:01 am

riley wrote:
VictoriasMummy wrote:
Quote:
Her counsellor and doctor have actually mentioned birth control - of course I have mixed feelings about that but I'm leaning more toward it being a good idea.

:? Thats very odd advice IMO. She's 12.. do they suspect that she's being sexually abused? Is she around potential sex offenders alot? Most 12 year olds are suseptable to being preyed upon.. but most teenage boys know that 12 year olds are a no-no.


This is actually very common advice when a child has a cognitive impairment - but I agree that I find it extreme and really makes you wonder about the thinking behind it. There are side effects to the birth control pills - they are not pez candy. But some of the parents who choose to do this have girls who are either non-verbal and/or retarded so no one would find out unless the girl was pregnant. But what does that say about who is watching out for the safety of these girls where they could be raped at school. That to me seems like the glaring fault - not just supplying birth control pills as a solution like rape is no big deal for someone who is CI. I do find it odd that it is considered for someone just because they have AS. As someone else posted, AS kids aren't the only ones who can be naive.



riley
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21 Jul 2006, 12:27 pm

walk-in-the-rain wrote:
This is actually very common advice when a child has a cognitive impairment - but I agree that I find it extreme and really makes you wonder about the thinking behind it.

Common advice?! 8O
Thinking behind it:
1. They think it's inevitable.
2. Pills might seem easier than education.
3. Ew.
I have no problem with this kind of advise when it has to do with severely handicapped consenting adults.. [providing they are incapable of raising children- but thats another issue] but when it comes to minors and children I'm very skeptical about doctors or therapists recommending it for a 12 year old. I also think such a trend would definently lead to abuses in the system. No pregnancy= less reports= less police checks? It's like blaming an arson victim for not having sprinklers in their house when their house burns down. I honestly do not understand the rationale.
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But what does that say about who is watching out for the safety of these girls where they could be raped at school. That to me seems like the glaring fault - not just supplying birth control pills as a solution like rape is no big deal for someone who is CI.

You're right.. another problem with this concept is that the pill won't protect from STDs and aids. It's a good thing VictoriasMummy mentioned this issue.. sounds like it needs to be discussed.



aspiesmom1
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21 Jul 2006, 2:35 pm

Birth control for a 12 year old??? Good grief. I remember being 12. Barbies were still a big part of my life. I must be getting old.

A large part of our talk with our son centered around teaching him what's what. Kids today think as long as there's no intercourse, there's no sex, and that's not completely true.

I also try and have little chats from time to time with my daughter, soon to be 7. At one of our other elementary schools they allowed a young man in to take photos as long as no children would be seen in them. He snuck into a kindie gym class, pulled out a little girl, and by the time he was found he had quite a few pictures taken of her nearly naked. The gym teacher nearly had a mental breakdown when he realized what happened on his watch.

It's a sad, sad world out there today.


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ster
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22 Jul 2006, 4:33 am

i , personally, remember my mom trying to talk to me about sex and i pretended i knew what she was talking about because i was so horrifically embarassed....i was around 11, i think....around here, they have health classes in the middle schools which discuss ( among other things) ~sex....