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My 14 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with AS. She is also struggling with eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia), social anxiety and mild depression. I say mild depression, because at age 12 she was far more deeply depressed and had ongoing suicidal thoughts. Her depression has improved considerably, but I would still not call her happy. She is a wonderful, sensitive girl and I want so much for her to find happiness and fulfillment in life, but I am feeling overwhelmed and frustrated at the lack of resources I have to draw on to help her. I have turned to books for education on AS since her therapist has no expertise with it whatsoever. In fact, there are no therapists in our area who do have much knowledge in regards to AS treatment, so I've had very little help and guidance with this. The school seems to be just as clueless as I am, though they've been marvelous to work with her (allowing her to leave classes when she's overstimulated, etc). Fortunately, she is a very bright girl. She tests at the top of her school class in almost every subject, and is a dependable, self-motivated learner. Her main struggle is her social awkwardness and inability to read social cues and understand the NT mind. She interacts well within our family, but has never had any lasting friendships and has learned not to trust people. I really don't know what to do for her, does anyone out there have any ideas???

What does she tell you upsets her? The reason I ask is because my advice would be to do what you can to mold the world to her, instead of her having to so constantly mold to the world. If she would prefer to interact with people less because it's too stressful, allow her to interact with people less. If she is being bullied, get a team involved to stop it. And so on.

She's upset about not keeping friends and the general lack of sincerity of girls her age.
She hates that she feels that she annoys people and that they find her "boring".
She hates that she feels misunderstood by people and that she feels different.
She struggles with the fact that she wants to be social, but she doesn't find much reciprocation outside of our home.

I don't force my daughter to interact. In fact, it's her choice to quit public school and do online charter school any time she wants, but has continued to choose public school so far. She is not being bullied, though there is a culture of rudeness that exists among middle-schoolers in general, that she deals with daily. It makes me sad seeing that she had a strong desire just a couple of years ago and now she is beginning to give up on that.

have you tried social skills classes? i put my 12yo AS daughter in them and they seem to have helped a bit. well, she has learned how to hold a conversation that is not one sided, how to stay on a topic that isn't one of her choosing and how to change the topic if need be. she has also learned how to greet people more appropriately and to not mention to them things like how their smell bugs her or ask them things that make them uncomfortable. she also learned to limit her talking about topics of interest, specifically dogs which used to be the only thing she ever wanted to talk about. i'm sure she learned more but the classes were for kids so obviously i wasn't attending. i have noticed a big difference in her ability to comunicate effectively at home and out in public. she still gets left out at school alot and doesn't have many friends but seems to get bothered by other people less. she does have 2 friends now and has had them for a while which she didn't have before. the school also lets her and her friend eat lunch away from the other kids so she doesn't get overstimulated by all the lunchtime noise and horseplay of the other kids. i think that has also been key for her to get along with people better because she has that time away in the middle of the day. she also chose to do her yearly speach on Aspergers and how it effects her so that the rest of the class has more understanding of why she is how she is. i hope you find the answers you are looking for here. there are alot of knowledgable people around. school was always hard for me too. i never fit in and i always wanted too but i had very few friends and the 'cool' kids used to be so mean to me and i still don't understand why. maybe let her know that once she finishes school things change and people don't act like that anymore(at least not very often) in the real world. she still has a long way to go but maybe it will help her to see that there will be an end to it eventually.

I think girls get it extra rough because even NT girls go through much of this. My son does like to be social but he gets tired of the way his "friends" treat him. I, too, see him starting to give up. Middle school sucks the spirit, doesn't it?

We've tried to help our son find activities where he is more likely to find kids he can get along with and relate to. Keep expanding the pond. But it's hard when your interests are narrow, and he gets that, he just wishes it was different.

So, no easy answer.

FYI, my son just started volunteering at his former elementary school daycare because he was in need of service hours. Little kids can be both rougher and easier, and we'll see how it goes. Sounds like such a counter-intuitive job for an Aspie, doesn't it? Way back when he was at the elementary school he used to take the games he'd invent to daycare and the younger kids would get super excited about beta testing them. It was really affirming for him. The daycare director always adored him and now has him playing board games with little kids and has told them all about my son's inventing. He's attracted some interest and plans to roll out a game for the kids tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. He knows he's not in control this time; if the kids get bored the game is stopped; but he's tested with some friends and he's really hopeful.

The thing we've talked about is that the pool for socialization and friendship doesn't end with our home town or his age group. When he's all grown it in many ways it will be bigger and more fluid. Middle school just sucks for everyone; even kids who aren't AS; but it won't always be that way. We practice best we can with him now, try to improve things in the now, but also keep him focused on life when he becomes an adult, which is likely to simply suit his needs better. He really looks forward to working at a geek company doing something with gaming, programming or engineering, and he's already building the skills. Most likely in a life like that he'll be surrounded by a natural pool for friends. Or, at least, so we hope

Those classes sound great. It sounds like your daughter has really gained a lot from them. In the past our school has offered a weekly social skills class, but if they are now, they have failed to inform me. It appears that unless a child has severe and obvious disabilities our school district doesn't offer much in the way of programs or support. I'll be making a call shortly to find out if I've missed anything.

Thanks for your suggestions. Getting kids involved in volunteering is a great idea. My daughter was able to work as a peer tutor with the mentally handicapped kids at her school for a short while and really seemed to enjoy it. I need to investigate our volunteer opportunities more.

I just learned that our school district is hosting a workshop on ASDs and writing IEPs. Of course, they are not the ones that informed me of this, I found out while making phone calls to anyone and everyone that might know where I could go for help. I actually called the organization providing the training and they are the ones who told me about it. I'm so angry that the school overlooked this that I'm not sure how I should react. I've been floundering since the end of January, trying to figure out what direction to go. We held an IEP meeting, but I haven't seen anything in writing yet. The principal, teachers and counselor have been willing to do whatever we ask, but when we don't completely understand our child's needs, how do we see that they are met? It's sad that I turned to a message board for advice when there should be someone out there that knows where I should go and what I could do to get my daughter what she needs.

Sorry for venting.

Vent anytime. And, while it may not be natural for some of us to turn to message boards, I'm actually finding that with ASD's message boards are THE place to get information. We're talking about a condition that statistically is affecting 1 in 150, and among that 1 in 150 so many variations exist. The experts are observers with limited ability to observe because (a) it's 1 in 150 and (b) as we are learning from our own kids, people with ASD don't always like to talk to 3rd parties. But here people with AS come out of their shell and tell us what it's really like. You won't get that much in real life.

But. The school should have told you. Why hold a session and not tell the affected families directly? Mind boggling.

the classes were not offered through the school board. they were recomended to us by her social worker when we tried to do behaviour modification with her(which didn't work btw) and they were from either a counsellor or a therapist, i'm not sure what the ladies exact title is. maybe you could phone around to local agencies and see if anyone is offering something like that. the classes were at dinner time so they also had food which the kids helped prepare. they have other classes available there too, one for building self esteem and one for assertiveness training. i think there are more too. they don't run them all the time. we had to put her name on the list and when they ran the next group of classes they called us to tell us when and where. my daughters disability isn't that severe or obvious. to outsiders she really just appears to be imature, a bit odd and a bit anti-social. she is also a straight A student. she doesn't really have melt downs in public either, she saves them for later when she gets home.

There are clear cut legal guidelines in the handling of an IEP... if they haven't given it to you in writing, with your signature yet it may be time to get an advocate. Just start calling any and all local autism support groups, associations, or even your dr and ask if they can refer you to an autism advocate. They can help you get the IEP and everything that should be in it. The IEP is a contract. The meeting for the IEP had started what it considered a legal proceeding. The school MUST follow through.

both my daughter and I are aspies and I have to tell you - nothing in her behavior seems odd, or challenging, or a 'problem' the way it does to NT parents. I've been redirecting and circumventing her meltdowns since she was 2 years old (without knowing WHY she had those issues). I was instantly clued in to her auditory processing challenges. She is 8 now and only officially diagnosed this past January and I self diagnosed because of it. I am a bit perplexed how and why doctors believe they know what is going on with AS kids... all they really need to do is ask an AS adult. If you talk to enough of us, you'll find out everything you ever wanted to know.

Don't be afraid to go to the general discussion board to ask questions. Most people here are glad to offer some insight. And, if your daughter is feeling alone, this board may be a good place for her to find a sense of belonging. There are tweens here too.

I'm starting to think this is the norm. The school doesn't inform you about your child's rights because then they're going to have to put out the effort! .... OK.. .feeling a bit bitter towards the school these days.

Ask the people holding the workshop if there is a local non-profit organization that offers advocate services for families with special needs. Our advocate is the mother of an autistic child who is currently attending university to get a field related degree (I didn't pry too much). But it's her job to help with the IEP process, to make sure I know all those little things they don't tell the parent.

Also, my son seems to get along best with other kids on the spectrum. I think it alleviates some of that social stress because they're both pretty much on the same page.

That sounds so familiar! My daughter was only suspected of having AS after her school counselor had spent a considerable amount of time with her and realized that although it didn't always seem obvious, she had some definite behaviors that made her a good candidate for testing. The really interesting thing is that although she can usually wait until she is home or somewhere alone with me to have a meltdown, at school she will sneak away and call me and have meltdowns over the phone to me. If only I had known what that (and a number of other confounding behaviors) was all about earlier. *sigh*

I am very uncomfortable with the message board thing, but only because I have difficulty putting my thoughts into written words. Also, I have this way of writing which I think turns people off, it makes me feel very self conscious. I should emphasize that I'm grateful this message board is here though, I was reaching my limit with the whole situation and it drove me to post. I guess that's a good thing.

I'm beginning to wonder what exactly is going on with the schools here. Their resources truly are limited, but not making free training known to those it could help? I just don't get it.






You make such a relevant point! How could an NT doctor be a better expert on AS than someone who has lived with it? I have felt so overwhelmed and alone in my search for useful information that I wasn't fully appreciating what WP has to offer. I know it would be good for my daughter to mingle here too, but she's rather afraid to try to interact. I will continue to encourage her, but if anyone has any suggestions to help me entice her onto the boards, please share them.





I'm beginning to relate to your bitterness and I'm definitely going to take your advice. The ironic thing about me attending this workshop is that by completing it, not only will I be prepared to manage my own child's IEP, but I will then be certified to go into IEP's with other parents and help them get what they need as well. My experiences so far are shaping up to make me an enthusiastic activist for these kids and families. The district and school administrators better be ready for a fight if they are resistant to change.