Be Yourself

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What does it mean to be yourself and why aren't aspies allowed to be themselves in society? Why am I always encouraged to be myself but when I do I get frowned upon?

The old "be yourself" advice only works if you're socially acceptable. Otherwise it's more like "become socially acceptable, then be yourself".

I think that it's easier for me to just be myself, because of the fact that I'm female and that I like a boy band who was popular at one time. I think that others might have a harder time with this, because their interests might be very advanced for their age. Also, males might have a harder time, because they might be more likely to be trainspotters or spotters of other unusual vehicles. It could also be that I might have the charisma to pull it off - something that should be sold to the AS population in a bottle, so that we can all have the confidence to be ourselves and pull it off.

I am being myself. I have no idea as to whether this is "working".

I think when people say that, they are projecting. That is, they're imagining themselves acting nervously or uncomfortably (which is how they are perceiving you), and then think about what would make them act that way in the situation you're in.
And so they give the advice not to be so nervous, and to act as "yourself" rather than worrying about the image you're putting across (since that's what they imagine you're nervous/worrying about, since that is what they would be nervous about).

The trouble is that if you have non-standard behavior (rather than an unfounded fear that you do), then the result is not at all what they expect. IMO, it's a form of "failure of empathy." It works if the people involved are similar enough, but can fail if they are not. They're trying to help, but just don't know.

Yeah, it almost never really means 'be yourself (as you are)' but rather 'be yourself (as I am - as I assume everyone is really like me deep down)'. The real rule is more like 'try to be like other people and look relaxed, don't be too weird - it freaks us out'.

Be yourself means be true to who you are while still keeping the social veneer in tact.

In other words, if being yourself would mean swearing up a blue streak in public to every waiter trying to serve you, the world does not, seriously, want you to "be yourself."

Being yourself DOES mean saying you like Legos when asked if you like Legos, and not pretending you don't because the person you are talking to just said they didn't. Lol, I'm can't imagine my son ever NOT being himself in that way; the thought of pretending to have interests he does not would never cross his mind. But NT's do it ALL the time, feign interest in things they are not interested in for the sole reason of getting a date or getting a job. I still remember taking a job application test and filling in that I was a "morning person" because I thought everyone preferred morning people - - THAT is "not being yourself," and downright counterproductive.

The problem is, being AS, you may see the required social veneer as being inherently at odds with who you are. To someone who is NT, it isn't; it's just the ribbon on the box and not all that important; you just put ribbons on because you put ribbons on; it doesn't change the box.

Being yourself means that you wrap up your personality and interests in a box of the right shape and size but still put ribbons on it that will please the audience. Not being yourself is stuffing a Volvo into a ring box and trying to pretend that is the real you; not going to work, eventually the Volvo has to burst out.

I think it just means don't even try and be something you are not. Don't pretend to be into things you are not into or pretend you know a lot about something (eg. cars) when you don't, or don't pretend you are good at something when you aren't.

And people do try and do these things to impress the person so they like them and want to go out with them more because they think if they saw the real them, they wouldn't like them. They may also change their style of clothing they wear or put on a totally different personality to impress someone so people say "just be yourself."

And I do agree just be yourself because if people don't like who you, then they are not worth it. Would I want to meet a guy who is really nice and sweet but then it turns out he is an a**hole because he pretended to be this nice and sweet guy and he really isn't because he wanted to impress me and wanted me to like him so I can keep going out with him and wanting to see him again? I would have rather seen he was an a**hole from the start so I wouldn't keep going out with him again and wasting my time with him. I do not like dishonest people, god just be yourself. I don't care if you are a jerk or ignorant, I just want to see it so I will know to not go out with you anymore.

So I think this is what be yourself means.

Could you be a little more specific about the request to be yourself and what you did that went wrong?

One thing I've learned: I can't successfully hide my mild AS traits for very long. People figure it out and then think I'm disingenuous. However, DW is right, no matter what "weird" stuff I'm interested in, I still strive to be polite and pay attention to whatever social cues I do see.

Learning basic social skills is more difficult for someone with AS, but they are just as important as learning whatever language is the dominant one wherever you are.

When my son was growing up we had no idea that he had Aspergers. Everyone just accepted that he was who he was, albeit that he was very different and unique. Never be ashamed to be different - its those differences that makes you light up the world for someone else.

We come from a small town where everyone knows everybody else and the kids went to country schools so they have huge network of friends. a comment that I have heard a lot over the years in response to someone commenting on Shea's uniqueness is "oh that's just Sheaboy, he is all good". Yes, he is accepted and loved for himself and that in itself has given him a lot of confidence. (He still doesnt like big parties or night clubs and tends to disappear when he has had enough or he just refuses to go).

We should be celebrating people's uniqueness and differences. Who gets to write the rules on who we should act like??? And why is that supposed "normal" people get to say that someone else is different and that is unacceptable??? I get very angry when I hear these people carry on. My son tends to ask people who tell him to his face that he is not normal "what is normal and who says you are normal?". That shuts them up and embarrasses them.

I was replying in general - I guess I didnt make myself clear enough - sorry. What I was trying to say was that everyone should just be themselves - whether it is someone with Aspergers or anything else or just Joe Bloggs down the road. And we as society should be accepting of anyone and everyone and celebrate the differences in people. I personally am very glad that there is only one me around.

Sorry, League Girl - I was replying to the original poster - when I first started writing, it wasn't so far down the thread.