Daughter would like me to Fark Off - wish I could!

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Title inspired by the other thread. DD is not a gamer, but she seems to live her life on the internet, in her room with the door shut. She is an Aspie, will be 20 next week, living at home, going to school, has a decent job. Sounds not so bad, right?

Except she is failing at college in spite of a gifted IQ, has no social life in spite of being pretty and fairly outgoing for an aspie. She pays a lot of her own expenses but we don't charge her rent, we feed her, pay insurance, medical, phone, and help with school expenses. She spends every cent she makes, and never lifts a finger around the house. My fault, I never trained her to do chores, figured she had everything she could handle just getting through the day. In fact, I probably spoiled her with trips, activities, presents to "make up" for what she was going through as a child.

Anyway.

Relationships have been a disaster for her. I can relate, went through the same thing at her age, I know now that I'm an aspie too. She is beautiful and talented, just a little overweight these days and tends to like very cute boys. The ones she is attracted to aren't attracted to her and vice versa. And she tends to take anything said by a boy as gospel, there's no convincing her that they might actually lie about anything.

About a year ago she took up an extreme sport that is male dominated, and she spends a great deal of time online on chat boards etc (when she isn't getting injured actually trying to do the sport). She got a "boyfriend" in the next state, went to spend a weekend with him, was intimate, started making plans to MOVE there. Then he quit texting etc and she found out he had gotten back with an ex. Heartbreak time.

She has another guy now, this one is almost the whole country away. I don't know much about him except his first name, but yesterday she told me she had bought a plane ticket to go see him in about two months. Emptied her bank account, so has to wait to get paid again to buy the return ticket.

So much for sleeping, or working, or anything for me. I told her it was about the stupidest thing she has ever done, and went on to tell her not to come back pregnant. I know, I should be the adult here. Hello, Aspie. Well, we aren't speaking but that isn't the problem.

She wants money for her birthday next week, and I had said I would give her some. I am scared to death of her going on this trip, and do not want her to go. But my daughter is one determined individual when she decides to do something, and she will go. So, do I give her the money I promised? Do I give her a ride to the airport? Do I make sure she has money for food, a place to stay, and a taxi back to the airport if she needs one?

We love our daughter, she is an only, but she's killing me. I know it's her life, her decisions, her prerogative to not learn from her own mistakes. I swear, though she is 20 she has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old.

And yes, I do knock and then go into her room. And I realize I need to stop that. If you ask her on any given day, pretty sure she would tell you that she hates me. But I want to help her if she gets into a spot she can't get out of, even if I am across the country. So I don't want her to go and not hear from her or know where she is. How can I be supportive but not condoning?

She is making me crazy enough that I recently told her (before this happened) that if she is still in school in the fall, we would make her car payments so she can afford her own place, or at least a room in a house. She was overjoyed. But she still emptied her bank account to buy a $250 plane ticket, $500 when she's done.

I know it could be a lot worse. Maybe her taking this trip and surviving it will make me chill and quit worrying all the time. But I have the next two months with the constant scenarios about what could go wrong, and I need to sleep!

Parents of adult aspies out there, how do you cope?

The title made me laugh because I thought you were Snivy's mother. Then I was disappointed you weren't the mother because I was curious what her side of the story be.


Can you not pay for her stuff anymore and just let her figure it out herself and learn from her mistakes? If she blows her money off on things, let her face the consequence of not being able to pay for things like her car or phone. Then she might learn to manage her money better. Sometimes parents have to let their kids make mistakes, even if they are aspie. Mine sure did.

If she wants your help, I am sure she would come to you. But if you tell her don't come to you if she makes a mistake that could have been avoided, there be a higher chance she won't so I wouldn't even tell her that. I know I wouldn't go to my mother if she told me don't come to her if something happens because I wasn't listening to her or didn't want her telling me what to do with myself.

Since she is asking for money and she has a job, stop giving it to her, that way she will learn to not spend her money when she needs to save it. If she is struggling with saving, help her figure out a budget like sit down with her and write down all her bills she pays and how much she earns each month. Subtract it and then write down how much she should save each month and write how much left she has she can spend on fun or anything she wants.

Yeah it was probably a mistake on your part what you did to make up for what she went through because mine sure never did that with me. Instead mom would always talk to me about other people and what was going on.

If she's making money and spending every cent of it on things she doesn't need, with the exception of this sport (be happy she is out doing something), then she should pay some of it towards her living expenses. I would advise you don't actually spend the money on her living expenses, but put it into an account for her with the goal of eventually putting it towards helping her move out in a few years, and maybe a down payment on a car or something like that.

When I was her age, I had to pay rent, food, and for my own internet connection, and my mother didn't put this in an account for me because she had to put it towards actual rent and food.

As far as her going across the country to see this man, in all honesty, any guy she meets at school or around town could be just as dangerous as any guy she meets online, and NT girls do stupid things too. I understand your misgivings but I think any objections you voice to her will be met with a stronger desire for her to go. If she is failing her classes, and they are college classes, advise she drop out and audit the courses instead until she can make it through with a passing grade. There's no reason to destroy your GPA when you don't have to.

I was a spoiled only child. I am not an aspie, but my Mom did me no favors giving me things. In her instance, she was making up for divorcing my Dad when I was 4. Since I watched her be so horrible with money, I didn't know how to manage it at all. At the time I would have hated her for it, but I sure do wish she had had better money management skills herself and had taught me too. I started my kids on the Dave Ramsey envelepe system for kids when I began giving them allowance. He has some great money management advice. I am hoping that helps them learn how to manage their money. I would take steps to allow her to know what it feels like to not have things when she blows her money.

I would also determine why she is failing school. Is it an aspie issue or a I want to play instead of study issue? I knew too many kids in college that didn't care if they passed since thier parents were paying. I wouldn't be paying for my kid's college if they were flunking out for preventable reasons such as just not going to class, etc.

Since she is 20, it would be very difficult to prevent her from taking this trip. The main warning bells I have is does she even know this guy she is going to see? If he is far away has she only met him online? Is she mature enough to realize that not everyone is who they portray themself to be online? Yes, another heartbreak would be horrible, but there probably isn't anything a Mom could say. Sometimes life experience is the only way for some people to learn. However, I am imagining much worse scenarios in my head on why it isn't a good idea to fly of to meet someone you don't really know. If that were the case, I would probably be showing my kid every news article I could find on bad events that happen to people who go off with strangers.

Wait ... she almost moved in with one guy, is flying across the country with her own money to visit another guy, and you say she has "no social life"? Sounds to me like she has too much social life!

Make good on your birthday promise, but you might not want to make any more promises like that. Help her figure out what form of birth control to use, and help her get it and use it. Let her know when you disagree with what she's doing, but be supportive of her as a person anyway - after all, she's still your daughter.

Right, she has a very active social life, though it's pretty much virtual.

I agree, she needs a dose of budgeting. Her Dad has promised to help her with that since she does not want to hear anything from me. He just hasn't gotten around to it, for several years now. And the agreement was we would help her financially while she is in school. I don't think that's going to be much longer, unless she decides to go to the community college.

The grades issue is mostly lack of focus. Skipping class, chatting on the internet during "study" time. She's lost her scholarship and is supposedly trying to get it back. This semester she took out loans to pay tuition. Which she took care of, they are in her name. It was hard to watch her go into debt, but my reasoning was the same as Twinplets, she needed to pay for her education if she was going to take it seriously. So really, she is paying her own way this semester and it doesn't seem to make a difference. But maybe I'm wrong, it's not over yet.

Twinplets, those are the scenarios I have been imagining too. No, she has not met the boy in person, it's all online and texting. I think Dad is planning to talk with her, sometimes she will listen to him. I guess a lot could happen in two months.

BC is an issue. She can't take pills, the hormones make her kind of bipolar. She plans to go to the student health center to find out about an iud, she is old enough to handle it. All I keep saying is "you still have to use condoms".

The spoilage does not seem to have carried over too badly. She's been paying a lot of her own expenses since she started working at age 16 so she could go on a school tour to Italy. She doesn't really ask me to buy her things, and she has never missed a car payment. When I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, it was money. I think she has developed an independent attitude from working, but is not doing well in practice as far as managing her money. Part of the reason she is so broke is that last month she bought a pet snake, tank and all. I think there is a new tattoo also.

Oh lol, I have totally misunderstood what you written when you said you daughter wants money for her birthday. I read it as she asked for money from you so she can use it on her birthday rather than saying that's what she wants instead than presents. Some people prefer money over gifts. My first ex was the same way.

Just let her go broke and have her deal with it. Just let her know you won't be bailing her out of her bills or anything if she needs money because she keeps spending it on stuff she wants than saving it and using her money wisely.

you pay for her rent, food, insurance, medical, utilities, and help with school expenses.... i assume by not lifting a finger you mean you also do all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry for her. im sorry but to me that doesnt qualify as her paying a lot of her own expenses. snakes and tatoos arent exactly necessities, and if she is getting through school on loans, then she isnt really paying for that either. that she makes her own car payment is good, but she needs to be held responsible for the other necessities of life.

there is no way she can learn to budget and take care of herself if you continue to pay for the necessities of living and also all the home care. i am surprised, given the situation of her finances and what sounds like lack of emotional maturity, that you volunteered to help her move into her own place this fall. however, given you made that promise already, you can certainly use it as impetus for her to learn how to manage her finances and maintain a home. you can even make it a condition of helping her find a place, that she learn how to plan expenses, takes over her own bills including rent and food, and begins helping around the house so she is ready and able to do it in her own place.

as for boy issues, its an unfortunate circumstance that the physical body isnt delayed along with the social and emotional delays in our kids. so you have the equivalent of a young teenager in a woman's body and the legal authority to act as an adult. not sure there is much we can do about that except encourage and support good choices.

when it comes to birth control, just be cautious in advising her to use anything that may cause permanent damage like an IUD. it is not common, but one of the complications of IUDs is that they can perforate the uterus. such a thing can cause severe damage, require surgery to remove and repair, and even make you unable to bear children. a young woman at the start of her life may be better off with a less invasive form of BC or ones that do not carry the risk of permanent physical damage, such as diaphragms, the patch, implants, sponge, vaginal ring, cervical cap, etc.

Well, she does her own laundry! And cleans her room and bathroom, sort of.

She won't be moving out in the fall unless she has money for deposits, rent, furnishings etc. She buys her own clothes, toiletries, gas, first aid supplies (that gets expensive), and food when she isn't at home. She's actually been working a lot more than she should be, 30+ hours a week while taking 15 hours with two labs. So she has been making more than usual.

What you say about boy issues is so very true here. I think she has built this "relationship" into the most important thing in her life. Sort of putting all her eggs in one basket and not paying attention to much else these days.

I advised against the iud! She knows a girl that has one, that carries more weight than anything I recommend. Which was a diaghram or cap.

We didn't really speak to each other yesterday. I'm trying to think of something calm and quick I can throw out to maybe point out she is repeating her mistakes? In a nice way. ha

That doesn't sound so bad, then. Even if she's not saving her money, it sounds like she's learned how to live within her means at least, and from your last post it sounds like she's doing a reasonable share of the household chores. I think you've done a pretty good job of teaching her to live responsibly.

The risks with modern IUDs are actually very low, so I wouldn't worry about that. It's certainly much better than an unplanned pregnancy!

The boys thing is probably that she's just going through the normal high school phase, just a few years later. Of course, with that plus a 30 hour a week job, I guess I'm not so surprised she's having trouble with her grades. If that situation does not get better, remember, it's still not the end of the world. She could take a year or two off from college and then go back, a bit older and wiser.

i beg to differ on that point. the risk is not common, as i stated, but it is certainly still present with modern IUDs. a friend of mine had an IUD implanted about 3 years ago as she wanted a little time before having another baby. it perforated her uterus and entered her abdominal cavity. once there, it adhered to her intestines and uterus. she ended up having major surgery to remove the IUD, and also required a hysterectomy.

i dont count hysterectomy as being better than an unplanned pregnancy, for either a woman who planned to have more children or for one who hasnt even made the decision to have children yet. my friend didnt think so either. perforation can even result in death, again, a rare complication, but also not better than a planned pregnancy. certainly more than enough reason to take a harder look at the methods that dont carry such a risk.

1 in 110 kids is diagnosed with autism, thats a low risk, too, but i dont think most of us here are so blase to think such odds couldnt happen to our family =)

Risk of death from IUD: 0.3 per 100,000 (1 chance in 300,000)
Risk of death from abortion: 2.2 per 100,000 (1 chance in 50,000) (6x as high as an IUD)
Risk of death from pregnancy: 18.7 per 100,000 (1 chance in 5000) (60x as high as an IUD)

Source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12311950

IUDs have risks, but getting pregnant has much greater risks.

Dancid, I wish I had some useful adivce. The problem is, I don't think there is anything you can tell her to change her mind, and if you stop her ... well, it may backfire.

But I keep thinking about a male neighbor of mine who allowed a woman he had met to come visit him. Or maybe didn't really allow ... he didn't object, and she arrived with a one way ticket. Knowing him as I did, and that he was in love with someone else (long story), I told him to buy a one way ticket sending this woman home IMMEDIATELY. But, heck, he was a guy, he did like her if he didn't love her, and he let her stay. Besides, he was worried about her: once she showed up like that, he realized she was a little bit "off," (25 years ago, who knows what the reason was), she claimed to have no where to go and no one who cared, and he didn't think he COULD just send her "home." To make a long story short, it did not end well for anyone involved and I wish I didn't hold the rights to "I told you so." Your daughter could be this woman. I don't believe she is ready for what she is walking into and doing, nor do I believe that this man actually expects her to show up, but is he likely to be blunt about it until it's too late? No. Some mistakes simply must be made before the person making them can see.

I've long wondered what happened to the woman who showed up on my neighbor's doorstep all those years ago. And, yes, I think my neighbor was a huge smuck for not having the sense to cut the misery short and just send her home. But he has more than paid for that choice.

Be ready for some pretty nasty pieces to have to pick up. Make sure you have names, phone numbers and everything you need to get on a plane and fetch her if you have to. Give her a cell phone and a prepaid phone card. EVERYTHING to make sure she can come home FAST.

She has two months to get ready for this trip. Yes, it's risky, but I'm speaking as a person who's kind of been there, done that.

I actually moved 3,000 miles away, to a different country and lived their for 10 months. It was crazy. Totally stepping outside of the norm for me.... In truth, it was very liberating... but that's not my point.

What I did was this: I left enough money in my bank account to "save me" if something went wrong. Money to pay for tickets, alternative housing, food, whatever I could need to survive until I could get back home. I left the money with my mom so that in a "duh" moment, I couldn't spend it while blinded by "the world is sunshine and roses" stupidity. I also contacted any 'net' friends I had in the general area and said, "Hey, this is what I'm doing.... if things go to s**t... can I use your couch until I can get home?" Ohhh I also had him send a photocopy of his driver's license... which yeah, can be faked but takes more energy than the average pervert would put forth considering it's way easier to just try to scam another girl that won't ask for ID. (I think, maybe?)

Sit down and talk with your daughter about the concerns you have and that you wouldn't have those concerns if you didn't love her. Bottom line is, she's your little girl and she's going off to spend time with someone you know nothing about. Explain what would make you more comfortable. You can't force her to do these things, but perhaps you can convince her of the wisdom of coming up with a back up plan..... or two or three. Perhaps she won't initially be willing to work out a plan with you, but give her something to think about and revisit the subject later.

You won't get anywhere if she feels you're judging her maturity or her decision making skills. Put the blame on your maternal instinct and ask her to help you with your worries.

Perfect.

I think the risk in question was not being able to bare children after it's removal. Not death.