Aspie kid struggling with Mom's "love" question

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First I'd like to quote Dr. Grandin because it applies to my conundrum: "My brain scan shows that some emotional circuits between the frontal cortex and the amygdala just aren't hooked up--circuits that affect my emotions and are tied to my ability to feel love. I experience the emotion of love, but it's not the same way neurotypical people do." I feel love for my dog and my best friend, but I have never felt love for my family. I always felt like a bad person for feeling that, but it's not something I can force. When my mom confronts me with her dreaded question: "don't you love me?" I have no idea how to respond. I don't want to lie, but I know the truth is not what she wants to hear. I figured I should ask parents of spectrumites what to say.

A little background info: There is a history of abuse in my family. I was a difficult child and my mom is a "tiger mom." I came off as a bit slow for some typical aspie reasons, like not being able to take verbal directions and spending too long in the bathroom (I would fixate on the tile patterns). I would get whipped for my behavior. I also remember seeing my quadriplegic sister getting hit by her. She also used to hit my dog with a broom. I didn't like that at all.

She was adamant that I learn piano. I just finished my music degree in classical piano and I'm just about done with my premed program, so she did many good things for me and I'm thankful. Tiger moms can be a good thing if there's no abuse involved. She doesn't know about my diagnosis because I think she will try to "fix" me again, which is never good. I'm confused to say the least. My black and white thinking is not compatible with the dual conflict that she abused me, yet she helped me succeed. I honestly don't love her or anyone else in my family, but that doesn't mean I want to hurt her feelings. My conscience is still very much intact and I would never want to hurt her. What should I do?

I didn't really start loving my mom until I had kids. It was only then that I realized just how much she had done for me.

If you can't say you love her, pick out some of the good things she did for you and thank her for them.

What's a tiger mom?

Thank goodness my mom was not like that.
I think the best thing a mom could do is encourage you rather than push you. But then again, it's all about what the child wants to do.
As for love, I had no idea about that whole frontal cortex and amygdala. Though, it's familiar in terms of what a lobotomy often does.
I gave gone quite a long time without ever telling anyone I loved them. I think my actions speak loud enough because my words are uncomfortable.
But then that's feeling it without saying it. I'm sensing the case is, you are attached to yor mother in some way (ie. I expect you'll feel a bit sad for a while when she is gone), but that doesn't seem to qualify as love for you.

I had a difficult relationship with my parents growing up too. They were strictly religious, and extremely exacting. Over the years they have slowly become much more mainstream/relaxed about their religious beliefs, and have asked my forgiveness for the treatment I received as a child, and actively tried to re-form a relationship with me. They are good grandparents to my kids, and adore my husband. I love them, but that love doesn't seem to be the same kind of intense emotional connection that I see depicted in TV/movies/books. I sometimes enjoy their company, and sometimes I don't. I would never throw my arms around them for a hug, or sob on their shoulders if I was upset. I don't "miss" them when I don't see them. I want them to be well and happy. I would help them if they needed help and I could provide it. I choose to spend time with them at holidays, even if it is more uncomfortable than not. I would defend them if someone else was insulting or harming them. But when I see some grown woman on TV calling her father "daddy" and getting all emotional about him leaving her at the airport, I just can't relate.

I don't know whether I am lacking a depth of feeling or once again the mainstream media is setting up a false standard with "Hallmark" sentimentality. I also don't know whether or not I would be more bonded to them if my childhood had been easier, or if it is my own inherent differences in dealing with other people that cause this. I do have an intense emotional connection with my husband and children, and am very invested in my relationship with my sisters, and one friend. Which is not to say that I don't have trouble relating to and sustaining even these relationships that are important to me, but I definitely feel more of an emotional tug towards these people than my parents.

Sometimes I respond to my parents out of a sense of duty and respect, even if I am not full of "warm, fuzzy feelings" towards them. This is what I would suggest to the OP. Try be considerate of her feelings (without allowing her to make you feel bad or guilty). If she asks you if you love her, I would respond with something like "of course". There are all types of love. Feeling gratitude that she helped you succeed could be classified as such.

I am having this struggle, too, although it's about more than words for me: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt154005.html

I am over 40 and don't have a good way to handle this yet, either - but when I was a teenager living at home, it was excruciating (I ran away from home at 21 or 22...the fact that I had to escape as an adult tells you how confining my home life was.) I wish I could offer you advice; thus far all I got from the thread I posted is that everybody else is just as confused as I am.

However, one thing that is very important to remember - if she is your biological mother, more than likely she is on the spectrum as well. I think in my parents' generation, and possibly in yours as well, people did not celebrate their differences. My mother's way of handling her eccentricities was to view her rigidity as perfection (not perfectionism, mind you - I mean her way is right and everyone else's is wrong) and to view any aberration from her rigid worldview as inferior. It's a sad way to live your life, and I'm sorry for her...but I struggle with even email correspondence, because I just do not fit her perception of what a daughter should be.

I am sorry that you were raised by a Tiger Mother - and, for the record - my mother, who was also one, never physically abused me, but I carry emotional scars from the experience.

I don't think you have to tell your mother how you feel. When prompted, you can focus your answers on positive things that you believe are honest, if any of the below apply:

"I am proud of the things I've accomplished, and I appreciate the role you played in getting me there."

"I care about what happens to you."

"I care about your happiness."

"There isn't anyone else that I feel closer to than you."

"Do you think I'd STILL be playing piano if there wasn't a part of me that wanted to do things just to make you happy?"

If pressed,

"I'm not that comfortable saying 'I love you to anyone,' I don't know why, and it isn't personal to you. I hope you can tell by what I do that I care."

We don't have to love our parents. We don't have to love anyone. I think what parents want to know is that you feel a connection, and that your respect them for the work they did. There are no perfect parents, and they know that, too. They just want to feel there is some return for the huge investment they made, and that it paid off well.

The more complex side of your feelings is something you work out separately. I'm not sure it can be worked out in confrontation with the parent; it isn't really their issue. It is about you resolving the reality of your feelings with what society taught you to expect those feelings to be like. An internal battle that may have existed no matter what your mother was like.

I always had an unusual mix of feelings towards my Dad. As my mother said, if we hadn't been related by blood, we probably would never have included each other in our lives. It happens sometimes. But as I started to lose him to first the side effects of a stroke, and then death, I realized how important his pressence was to me. How much I missed him. That, yes, I had always loved him. Just ... in a different way. I still can't imagine myself sitting face to face with him, if he were alive, and saying, "I love you." That wouldn't feel right. But I really, really miss him. My issue, my thing. For him ... I think he knew I cared. I think we were good. Even if I never said those words, I did things that I knew would make him happy, that he would know were just for him.