ASD kids, playing together...kinda.

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There’s a boy, a little younger than my 6 year old son, who spends every other weekend or so at his Grandmother’s house, across the street from us. I figured pretty early on that he was, like both of my kids, on the spectrum – he acts eerily like my son, up to and including once walking into our house *looking* for Eldest, without bothering to knock or act first.

His mother was horrified, I had to laugh. Eldest has done this sort of thing before, on many occasions, much to my frustration.

Talking to his grandmother I learned that Neighbor was indeed on the spectrum, “high functioning” like Eldest, and that they were even more similar in behavior than I’d guessed. They play together when occasion allows it, and spend much time between talking about seeing each other.

The other day, for the first time, Neighbor came over to OUR house – his grandmother wasn’t feeling well, and Eldest was delighted to have him come over.

It did not go as well as I’d hoped.

Neighbor is a LOT more rigid in his play than our kids. Like our youngest, Neighbor is obsessed with trains. So he set up our wooden train track pretty quickly (responding to Eldest’s attempts to get him interested in Silly Putty with a verbatim “Hell no,” that had me fighting not to laugh aloud), and Youngest wanted to join in…using his metal Thomas trains, which are made for a different type of track. The gauge is too narrow to fit on the wooden tracks we have, but this has never bothered Youngest (a still mostly non-verbal three year old) at all, and he happily pushed them along the tracks and into the roundhouse.

This INFURIATED Neighbor. “He’s doing it wrong,” he said, more and more stridently, and at one point tried to hide the Thomas trains from Youngest. This did not go well, and was met with tears and shrieks – Youngest does a lot of shrieking when he’s mad, and it’s like having an ice-pick rammed you’re your brain. Neighbor eventually declared that he “hated” Youngest, and was no longer Eldest’s friend. Eldest ran upstairs to his room, almost in tears, while I tried to explain how much he’d hurt Eldest’s feelings.

Neighbor did apologize, Eldest accepted the apology, and then went on to defensively declare how much he loved his brother, and liked playing with him. Which was nice to hear, and I’m looking forward to reminding him of it the next time the two of them fight.

I let his mother know how things had gone when she picked him up – he’d only been over about about 45 minutes, but the kids had to get ready for bed – and made it clear that I wasn’t in any way upset about how things had gone, and just wanted to keep her informed.

But it’s left me feeling that it’s probably best if they do play at Neighbor’s Grandmother’s house in the future. Our Youngest is a difficult kid to deal with right now, and even his Brother spends a lot of time frustrated with his behavior. It’s typical sibling stuff, with Youngest immediately becoming interested in anything Eldest is playing with, and trying to take it away for his own…but Neighbor is an only child, not used to dealing with a young kid, and like I said: he’s a lot more rigid in his expectations.

I really don’t want to make that a rule, though. I’d like him to be able to come over, and Eldest certainly would as well. Is there a good way to accommodate him, to make things go more smoothly between Neighbor and Youngest? Approaching it from the Youngest’s side is not really an option at the moment…his communication skills are very lacking, and he’s a very willful little boy.

VERY willful. But also very cute, which works to his advantage.

I hope you don't mind my saying, but that was a very cute story. Of course I didn't have to be there to hear the shrieks.

I think you handled the situation very well. Your eldest and the neighbor stayed on good terms. I wouldn't be too quick to cut it off - it sounds like the neighbor could benefit from experience with your youngest, as your eldest has.

It would be nice if you could get the two older kids playing together, though that's easier said than done. The other thing I would have tried in that particular situation would have been to get the metal tracks out and see if the neighbor was interested in helping your youngest "do it right" with the Thomas train on the metal tracks.

Oh, I definitely don't want to cut things off. They've just played at his place before, and making that the first choice seems best.

As to the trains, we don't actually HAVE the right tracks. We got the wooden set from Ikea, and Youngest brought home a found Thomas train at one point, after already having become obsessed with the show. It snowballed from there. We've got a fairly big collection of wooden stracks from various sources now, and since neither kid has ever cared about their being the wrong gauge for those particular trains, we never gave it a second thought.

It's so weird to think of my kids as "easy-going", but relatively speaking, I suppose....

Maybe you could let all three kids play together outside of your house?

My AS son has long been more successful interacting in pairs than in trios, and I think this is true for most AS kids. Right now, goal 1 is for these kids to build a successful relationship and if that requires removing a sibling from the formula, so be it.

That is the approach I'd take with the other family, simply noting that at your house having the sibling around impedes things. There is no fault to anyone in noting that; it is simply an environmental reality.

i think having them spend some time at each house would be valuable, for both of them. i am sure your eldest would appreciate some one on one time with his friend without little brother around, but its good for both the neighbor and your kids for someone to come into their home to play, too. my 7 yo has a friend who is over frequently and it has had amazing results in my 5 yo auties behavior; he actually plays with and talks to this other child, and my son is one of those who doesnt play with others, ever. but the other boy is 9 yo which helps, and his frequent visits have pushed him past "outsider" and into the "family" category. an unintended benefit of his brother having a friend over, but one we are very thankful for.

you could address some of the control issues with some simple playhouse rules. things like "there is no wrong way to play", which should be right up there with requirements for sharing. we use a very simple rule at our house of "everybody plays or nobody plays", which reinforces sharing and taking turns, and could also be applied to taking or hiding away toys from someone else.

i would be inclined to have a quick talk with the neighbor child, laying out what is expected and any house rules you have, and post them if necessary. if a similar event happens, ask 3 questions to try to get the child to be more flexible: is the play hurting/endangering anyone or anything? is the play against the rules? is the child playing having fun? if the answers to those questions are no, then the play is allowed.

we see similar rigid and controlling behaviors with our oldest who is 14; he spent the first 7.5 years as an only child and is on the spectrum. he spends a good deal of time worrying about what his brothers are doing wrong, and we use the 3 questions with him a lot.