14 yr old daughter- i think shes an Aspie but ......

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My beautiful 14 yr old daughter is struggling to stay above water. She is struggling at school and I have always felt she is different but could never put my finger on it until someone ( a psychologist) brought it to my attention two weeks ago , and all of a sudden everything fell into place ,of course- she has routines that she has to follow, is rigid in her thinking , would have a melt down if we didnt do something that i said we would do. Would have that vacant stare when you are talking to her or not look at you at all , gives affection very rarely and it always feels stilted , cant see that she is pushing someone else to the limit and back off, will correct you on the smallest minutae and she doesnt mind being alone, has no real friends at school and is on the periphery of her social group and has been bullied by girls in her group. Only thing is she is more subtle in her behaviour now, it was worse three years ago she would drive me to distraction, i feel like she is covering it up or is learning coping mechanisms.
Yesterday she received a special necklace as a gift from her Grandfather ,a very special gift , we asked her in front of her Grandfather if she would like to put it on she looked at me and said " but i already have one on"
Do the symptoms of Aspergers or more to the point can the symptoms of Aspergers be modified by the child so that they fit in but they still dont understand what is going on???
This is my first post ever so i hope i dont sound dumb,
thanks
Jude

It's not really for anyone to say but my advice would be that if you are concerned that your daughter has AS or something similar then it would be worth getting an assessment because it can help a lot and can maybe avoid complications in the long run. I suppose it all depends whether you think your daughter will freak if you suggest she has AS and should get an assessment or whether she would be cool about it. I think the best thing to do is to really think about things and then if you feel it's the right thing to do then to maybe talk to your daughter about how you feel.

When I was a teen I struggled with lots of things but I was too scared to tell my Mum because I was worried she would think I was a failure so I think from that point of view it is worth trying to have an open discussion with your daughter as to how bad her issues are because it might be worst than you think or maybe not so bad.

Thanks Marsian,
i do worry what she will say or if she will think im pushing her into a box. She is so blaze about most things , We are seeing a psychologist for medical issues that she has to deal with , i thought she might like to speak to someone outside the family as her medical problems are to do with her urinary system, it was the psychologist who flagged it to me, i would have gone on knowing she was just different to other kids but not why.
I will get her formally assessed and until that is done i cant tell her as i dont want her to think im pointing the finger at her - saying something is wrong with her. She is different in so many ways and she is easier to deal with now , but it is school that is deteriorating dramatically and all her teachers can see is that she is distant and non compliant and they attribute this to insolence. having said that she is a gentle and beautiful child who looks lost in this world but is loved by all .
Thanks again
Jude

Yes. In fact it's the only way for us to fit in.

Then that is what she is doing ,
her routines are still there but she goes about them quietly but you cannot interrupt them. She will cope with changes but always likes to know what is going on , cant just wing it. She will answer questions precisely... so much more, but i can see that she has curbed her behaviour from perhaps three years ago, I feel like a dope for not seeing it when it was really bad . When there was crisis in her behaviour i just thought she was a difficult child. We as a family have adapted as well , you never give her multiple directions, let her know what is going on, what night we are eating what , Dont argue with her, give her directions simply, give her time alone to digest an arguement.
When things were bad i remember saying to her " i feel like you dont want to be here, what do you want?" and she just stared at me and said nothing, in fact she never says anything about her feelings.
How could we all have missed it for so long,... that really upsets me
i feel like i have failed her

My son likes to think he is an expert at hiding his AS. He does such a good job at it most people are surprised when I tell them there is a problem.

I'm his mum I see it. Thank goodness he is fairly open with me and he feels safe enough at home to just be himself, but at school he does his utmost to cover up and fit in and try to understand what is going on.

Same with me. That's why a lot of doctors thought my Mum was loopy when I'd be in denial and say that I do this because of this or because of that.

I regret it now

Sounds like you are doing exactly the right things. Good for you!

She may be relieved that there is a 'reason' for how she feels and that there she is not the only one. At her age I would say she certainly 'knows' she is different she just doesnt understand why. And others are as difficult for her to understand as she is to you. I did whatever to fit in for years until in my 30s and didnt care what others thought so much. I found it helpful to just understand what was different and why. It helps me make sense to myself.

We found this was the case with my son: being able to name what was different about him was the first step to making him more of a partner in the work we are doing and less of a subject. As I'm sure you've figured out, there's a lot of push-back when you treat a child on the spectrum like a subject and not a partner.

I read an article a couple of years ago about Asperger's in women. The article said women learn from copying behavior from their peers (that's how we learn how to take care of babies, for instance). We are naturally prompt to copy, so many women with Asperger's do just that: copy the behavior or the other girls. That's why stats who there are more men than women with Asperger's. Sometimes people just do not notice we are different, because we learn to cope by copying.
I think it is possible than your child is copying the "right behavior" (the one that will help her cope with the rest), and that's why you see the difference. It is just survival mode. But copying will just help her "look" like the rest, and probably will generate more anxiety. I think you should get her diagnosed, and then, if needed, she can receive therapy. Teenage is a very difficult period, for everybody, but specially for people with Asperger's. You should help her now. It would be the best for her.
(I am the mother of an Aspie girl, diagnosed at 8 years-old).