How do you find Other Parents at school?

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I have an interesting experience every time I go to pick up my daughter from school. Her funding for an integration aid lasts till half an hour before the school bell. So the school encourages me to pick her up rather than leave her in the playground for 30 minutes.

Parking is a big issue so parents come 40-50 minutes before hand to get the best parking spots. The mothers stand in a line talking to each other waiting for the school bell. They all stop talking and stare at me and my daughter as we come back to the car. Their staring is kind of cold and they don't hide the fact they discuss why my daughter gets picked up so early and what's the matter with her. Nobody tries to engage me and I don't waste time with them because I get a bad vibe.

Today after my daughter had speech therapy at school she and I walked past the school office waiting lounge. I heard one of the parents say "oh it's her!" like they know something about my daughter but were nosy for more information. I found it really irritating.

I know this is petty but my daughter is the only child in her school with autism, I choose to avoid mixing with other parents because I don;'t want the hassle of feeding people's nosiness.

Should I just walk up to them and tell them what she has or should I just mind my own business?

thats a tough one and really crappy of the other parents too!!

My suggestion would be to take a deep breath and just tell them on your way in to get your daughter ( so she is not present) that if they have any questions or comments concerning your child they are welcome to ask you on you way in. BUT they better put on their little happy faces and stop scowling at you and your daughter when she is present. Tell them she is autistic and they should be ashamed of themselves for acting that way to a child.

.. basically guilt trip them.. At minimum maybe they will watch themselves when she is with you. I figure I can handle it bc I am an adult and know idiots like that do not matter but a child does not understand that and shouldnt have to deal with disapproving looks from busybody snobby snots.

Yeah I get what your saying.

My daughter just started a few months ago and the school is really good. The teachers have gone out of their way to accommodate my daughter and I really am grateful for the opportunity, the kids are nice and they are really friendly to my little 5 yr old girl even though she doesn't talk back.

I anticipate there may be a time in future when my daughter may get invited to somebodies house or she opens up and becomes friends with one of the children. In that case it would be awkward for me to say what's on my mind (that these parents are unfriendly snobs). Most of the parents have gotten to know each other now after school excursions, sports days, parents days etc. Unfortunately Neither my wife nor I attend these.

I just figure I'm going to have to be diplomatic and just keep my distance till I get a better sense of who is genuinely warm and friendly and filtering out the nasty gossips.

I have this same problem only, I think, the major reason people dont talk to me is because I live in France now and I do not speak very good French. There are some nice people who say hello to me but there is this little "gang" of Mothers who give me dirty looks and I understand enough French to catch some of their rude comments. My daughters school is also very good with her and she is also the only autistic child there. She has an aide and I understand that these particular gang of Mothers feel that my daughter should not get the aide all the time. I would like to know enough French to tell them where they can put their comments but because of my Asperger's, most of the time I could care less. If you are worried maybe about the fact that these people are wondering what is "wrong" with your daughter that she gets special treatment I would get a t-shirt. My daughter has a few of them, her favorite being the Autistic Princess shirt. I put them on her because I was tired of comments when we still lived in the US and she could not speak well and also had frequent meltdowns. Its showing other people that you childs autism is not an issue for you and at the same time its a sort of "in your face" type of thing for the nosey's! They even have a few t-shirts that are sort of "in your face", like one that says "I have Autism whats your excuse?" (not really my style) but we actually had one that said "I do not have a mute button" and had the Autism Awareness ribbon on the back. You can find tons of them at cafepress.com.

I don't care so much of other parents and what they think... I'm not so social evenif I'm an NT. Even if I get invited, I have no time to go! I said that my son is autistic, so they should know it... I think I have nothing to share with them, my son is so different from their children. I should speak about speech therapy and special interests but it is not interesting.

cyberdad - What you are witnessing is nothing more than the usual way that people with ASD are treated by "normals". You just didn't know it before you witnessed it from the inside. This is why people with ASD develop social phobias and depression - not from the ASD, but from people like those parents.

Parents have been pretty good to me and my kids, at least to my face, most likely for one simple reason: I have volunteered my rear end off at that place, and was for years responsible for almost single handedly raising half the PTA budget. Which is no small matter; we have a 6 figure budget. It may not win you real friends, it won't force them to "like" you, but it does win you respect, and an ear with the school principle, etc. That base firmly established, I know I can walk into a school office and get action, I can walk up to any group of people and say, "Hi, I'm X, and I'm working on the Y fundraiser, are any of you involved with it yet?" (it all takes so many people, even chairs aren't expected to actually know). Not that any of that was why I started doing the work; I took it on before my son was even diagnosed. But it was interesting to observe, as things got more complicated with my son, how incredibly useful the position was.

I would have suggested just walking over and asking something simple like, "hi, what are you talking about?" but I don't think I would ever do that, myself, unless I was somewhere I had an established position or role. I need that crutch. If you don't, great, go for it. If you do ... getting involved at the school is a great one.

I have taken more the approach of DW_a mom. I don't volunteer that much but I do kiss all the other mom's butts basically all the time. I know it sounds awful and I kind of hate doing it, but given my kids limitations I feel like it's the surest way to keep them included. When my child was being bullied at school a few weeks ago I shared it with one of these mom's and she had her son, who is pretty popular and bigger than my son, go in and tell the other kids that no one was to mess with my son. Other mothers have provided similar support. It gets us invited to family parties and stuff like that which gives my kids a few people that are not as likely to bully them. I have come to like some of them. Others I just smile and tolerate. I am sure it sounds two faced. Obviously, the truly snotty people I just ignore.

I've had both good and bad experiences with the other parents. I am not good with social stuff, and although I can make a good first impression I can't seem to sustain it over time...sooner or later my weirdness will out. But I try to make nice whenever and however I can, and I volunteer quite a bit now and did a lot more when my sons were younger. I can't handle the PTA and all that stuff, it is just too socially demanding for me, but I do well volunteering as support in the classroom, on field trips and for specific activities and projects. I've gotten to know a few of the other moms, manage to be friendly mostly, although have accidentally offended a few along the way without a clue as to why or how.
When I encounter the outright mean, cliquishness I usually keep up a chipper, friendly façade no matter what, while using their rudeness as an opportunity to educate as nicely as possible. This usually makes the other parents feel surprised and guilty and their behaviour usually changes from judgemental to neutral...once in a blue moon they even become concerned and supportive, and rarely there is the occasional jerk who just continues to be a jerk.

In the OP's position I'd probably just flash them a big, sunny smile and keep on doing what I'm doing. If the opportunity presented itself I might approach them and say something to the effect that I've noticed they seem to have questions about my child, and I'd be happy to answer any they might have. But only if it didn't feel too terribly abrupt or awkward to do so, and only if it seemed in my child's best interest to "build a bridge" there. I would not be confrontational or show irritation. There is no foreseeing how you making an enemy could put your child at a social disadvantage in future.

Honestly though, the very best support and help through the years has come from the teachers and other staff. Energy put into making nice with them has almost always been worth it.

I'm with alice - I smile and nod and say hello and then keep walking. I don't think being snotty will overcome their snottiness.

I am certain that several parents last year pretty much hated me and my kid because he took up so much of the teacher's time, I think they felt cheated. I don't so much volunteer at the school as I have to be there when they are doing anything special in case DS has a meltdown (as per an agreement with signed with the school director). I will never be part of the "in" crowd of parents at that school but being on all the field trips and stuff has allowed me to make a few connections with a few people that I feel something in common with. If you can, try to find something going on at the school that you are interested in getting involved with. It may take a while before you bump into people that feel comfortable to you but I bet there are some out there.

This is really hard for all dads who are the "front facing parent" with all of the moms. I have had a few dad friends who all shared that it is hard to gain any kind of acceptance from the moms. THEN you have the issue of having a child who's different.

I would probably (eventually) go and introduce myself, and say that as a dad it's hard to meet the other parents, and then say something to the effect of... And with DD having autism and needing to leave a little early, it makes it even harder for me to meet the other parents. Then, say something positive about DD and something that is different about her... so....She is quiet, but couldn't be sweeter, you should see her with the puppy - or whatever will make her just a kid to them. Even better (if it's true) compliment their children...maybe, she sure loves being in this class, your kids are just so special and warm to her, you must be very proud.

People are weird when they don't know what to do or say. When we just give them the info, it puts everyone at ease. These might be your people for 13 years, it is really helpful to have them on your side.

For me, my 1st son is NT, so I did all of the volunteer work and knew staff and the other parents. With DS#2, having violent meltdowns in school, I saw how the divide happened and how people no longer knew what to say to me. They didn't want our kids to be friends, they were scared of the meltdowns that they heard about. It was really hard for me to stay involved because my plate was much fuller than it had been with DS#1. Everything changed, and it has been hard. That said, those parents love their kids just like we love ours, and they just can't see the world as we do.

Wow! thanks for your great advice everyone, I really love the way everyone on WP is so willing to share their experiences it really helps me to prepare for stuff with more confidence.

Kailuamom I think you hit the nail on the head! I forget I'm one of the few males who drops their kid and picks up after school. So perhaps I am being too harsh on these mothers in their little clubs.

It still doesn't excuse them gossiping about my girl, I'd prefer they be upfront and come and ask me. I've been in playgrounds before and heard a random mother talking about a special needs child in their class (in another school) where the behavior of the child causes disruption to the whole class to because the teacher has to stop what they are doing. I am sensitive that this attitude is carried by NT parents about special kids. Things like will this child disrupt my kid's class, will they hurt my child?

The school I go to has a great philosophy about special needs, the kids come first, it's their privilege to have the opportunity to teach my daughter. It's not about me being grateful to the parents of other kids for not apologizing for taking up the precious resources of the school. I'll let that be an educational lesson for the other parents to learn.

Haven't had this, but then I know loads of people at the school or they know of my son through us or his older sister who goes to the school, and she is quite a popular, outgoing kid.
It is a little harder for Dads though, I have been in a similar situation of being the one to do school pickups and the women tend to stay together and gossip.

Maybe I should just introduce myself to them as Mr Mom!

I think Kailuamom is exactly right: gossiping and that kind of "circling the wagons" behavior can be a sign of people not knowing the appropriate way to respond, not that they are deliberately being mean. It's difficult when you have to be whisked away to something else, you don't have the time to engage in casual conversation and then answer whatever questions they have. It may well be that their questions aren't motivated by fear, but by concern and interest (almost everyone knows someone with autism these days.)

One way my husband thought of to socialize: (he really has difficulty, though he's fighting it tooth and nail, and it's even harder for men than women) he sent out a notice via the PTA listserv for an informal "Dad's Night Out" to see whatever the latest movie that interests him (usually sci-fi, you'd be surprised how many geek Dads there are.) He wears the school logo shirt so people can find him, there's just a small amount of chit-chat while buying tickets, and they all watch the movie and either go out for a drink or go home. Moms consider him a hero for getting their husbands to socialize. Doing this may make you more accessible to the playground gaggle of Moms (who scare the pants off me, too, but I've learned they are actually OK.)

Love it, momsparky! THAT is something my husband could go for!

Many schools now have Dad's clubs or Father's groups. I still remember when a bunch of Dad's at the elementary school decided to start one. Meets at a yatch club, conducts business over beer. Kind of the anti-PTA, lol, although moms are welcome, too - if they prefer. That group ended up creating a couple of new annual fundraisers for the school, and BBQ's for a host of school events, which has helped with school wide community building and raises a little money (the BBQs main goal is community; that it makes money is a side benefit). Lots of friendships being born, and it's quite easy to strike up conversation around campus with the guy who served your burger last weekend.

Takes a special kind of person to kick that sort of thing off, of course. And it helps if the focus is broader than BBQ's and fundraisers, because not all men are socially inclined enough to enjoy or succeed at those (my husband was there for the construction projects, but gave up on helping with fundraisers, so once the campus improvements were finished, he faded out ...).

Times have changed. School communities kind of have to change with them.