Aspergers?

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Our 12 year old son is struggling, we are not sure why. Since he was a toddler he has always struggled with his relationship with his peers, and frequently his parents. He looks normal, can have mature discussions with adults about subjects he is interested in (like a walking fact machine), he also excels at school, he is especially interested in science. He is totally not athletic, he can be very clumsy and he does not enjoy any sport where there is "rough and tumble", he enjoys swimming, and alpine skiing. You could say he is "nerdy". His problem is "fitting in" with children his own age, and having extreme emotions (but not always...and not every day), he has no close friends, and does not seem to be interested in making friends, or attempting to develop relationships with others. On occasion he will obsess about an interest, and it will captivate him for weeks, then it will be dropped. He is often a victim of bullying and at least teasing at school, he always seems to have someone that he has a conflict with....with himself playing the role of victim, this issue has caused a lot of problems at school...none of them overly serious, we often think it is a symptom of not knowing how to fit in and take social clues, it does not take much to cause problems. The stress all of this frequently bleeds over to our home life....we are at the end of our tether. At home he seemingly cannot deal with a sudden need to adapt to changing circumstance, when this happens it goes into a viscous circle, he latches on to the fact that he can't have cheerios for breakfast and cannot adapt to something else. Or for example has to wear a certain article of clothing, if he can't find it...he is hell on wheels...our whole progress getting ready for school grinds to a halt, until he finally comes out of it, sometimes hours later..a long drawn out tantrum..with some extreme emotions here and there, completely rigid, cannot adapt, does not dawn on him the affect of his actions. On top of it all he always blames other for his problems.....someone else ate all of the cheerios or hid his favorite hoodie....But he is not always like this, it is always there, but to varying degrees. There are other times he displays no "empathy" you could be having a terrible day, maybe down for some reason, he will still walk up to you bright and cheery and start engaging about something he wants to get for christmas. He can drive us to the edge of insanity...and an hour later be the best cheery helper for some task..its all very confusing.

I wonder if he has a mild aspergers...and can it vary from one day to the next.

Ugly

No such thing as 'mild' Asperger, or 'mild' autism. Asperger Syndrome is HIGH FUNCTIONING autism, meaning Aspies develop more sophisticated coping mechanisms for hiding their autistic handicaps. Our autism is not as readily apparent to a casual observer, but it is no less a handicap.

Your description sounds identical to myself at that age, so I'd say you've got a good candidate for testing, but please understand, even if he is diagnosed with AS - there is no medication for autism, no treatment and no cure. It simply is what it is. Having a diagnosis and learning about the condition will make it easier for you to understand why he has the issues he has, and to try to be more understanding when he can't do something that seems simple to you, or what educators at school may be able to do to help him function and learn more easily. What it will not do is fix anything. Of course, avoiding the diagnosis won't fix anything, either. At least once you know what the situation really is, you can more efficiently adapt to it.

It may not be "varying" it may just be that he has good days and bad days just like we all do. The way you describe him he sounds Aspie to me....Im not a doctor though, hed have to be assessed. I know people like to use the words "High functioning" and "mild" but with Aspergers I dont know that those "categories" really apply. Actually I use the high functioning thing to explain my classic autistic daughter but I dont really like that because its not a really accurate way to describe as they may be high functioning in one area and low in others....which is typical. Sorry I went off topic a bit. I think maybe we can use things like affected or less affected by autism/aspergers.
Anyway, just like typical people Aspies do have good days and bad days, as I said. There may be days where he has more anxiety and it affects him more and other days where he feels better about life and things are easier to accept are take. It is like this for me and my aspies and my autie as well.

I also am not a doctor but what you describe does sound like Asperger's, actually sounds like you read the symptoms out of a book and recited them here. Mainly the question is what next? I would encourage you, if you haven't already, to read the stickied post at the top of this forum called "Recommended Reading on AS/Parenting".

There are many things you and he can learn that will make everyone's life more bearable. For example, don't run out of Cheerios. Buy five boxes the next time you go to the store and buy a box every time you go after that. It is a simple thing to make routine in your life and you can forevermore avoid a breakfast time meltdown over a lack of Cheerios (of course that doesn't avoid the meltdown about not being able to find the favorite hoodie). With Asperger's/high-functioning autism, there are just some things in your life that you change, permanently, in order to accomodate your child's needs. Some may say this is catering to or spoiling a child but really it is about meeting the child's needs. The needs of people on the spectrum are flat-out different from most NT people and that should be acknowledged.

Sorry, I'll get off my soap box now and say, Welcome to WP!

I would suggest the same first step Bombaloo has - read up on AS parenting recommendations. Then see what happens if you follow them. Long run the label is only worth what it accomplishes for you and if your main need is helping your son manage life better, that can be done via techniques and understanding. AS isn't always an either / or proposition; many people have certain AS traits without having enough to qualify for diagnosis (they believe dozens of genes may be involved).

I really like the book written by one of our members, available for free download at ASDStuff.com

One great thing in that book is the breakdown of a meltdown. Since it sounds like meltdowns are a big issue for you, that should be super helpful.

After that, once you've settled out the most immediate issues, you should decide if there are reasons to pursue a formal diagnosis. You will want one if you wish to access school accommodations or services. We have other threads on the pros and cons of diagnosis, so I'll leave that for now.

that definitely sounds like a child on the spectrum to me. like the others suggest, start reading up. if you determine that it is autism, try some of the techniques you will find in those readings and here on the forums. what will change the most is not his behavior, but your reaction to his behavior and your expectations. once YOU understand his behavior, you can teach him how to understand it himself.

at our house, we absolutely know that some days are more autistic than others =) and on a really autistic day, the tiniest little thing may cause a meltdown. if you can learn to recognize the signs of one of those days, you can help keep those days from becoming one long meltdown, and then help your son learn to recognize the signs, too.

when it comes to empathy, autistics have it, often in spades. what they dont have, or are limited in, is the ability to show it in typical ways and/or the ability to recognize when others are in distress. so its not that your son doesnt have it, it just doesnt look like what you recognize as empathy, or he doesnt realize that he should show it at that time. i saw a huge expression of empathy today from my 5 yo autie, but most people unfamiliar with him wouldnt have seen it. we went to the flea market and bought magnetic necklaces for him and his 7 yo brother. later in the car, my autie broke his brothers necklace. while his brother was crying about it, my autie got very quiet, had a very "angry" look on his face, refused to say he was sorry or even talk at all, and stared straight forward and wouldnt look at anyone. thats his sorry.

I am not sure that I agree with this entirely. My son (and the rest of us, as we follow him) is learning all kinds of coping skills through therapy, and this allows him to have some measure of control over the more disabling aspects of his autism. He is one of those AS kids that - when caught on a good day - just seems like a charismatic, intelligent typical child (if you watch closely, you will notice he's a bit too charismatic and intelligent) Unfortunately, many of the coping mechanisms he uses to get through the day are neither sustainable nor predictably successful - so my charismatic, intelligent child can become a ticking time bomb.

Over time, in therapy, he has learned to pick up on physical cues for his own emotions, to read other people's emotions better, and to predict when a situation will be difficult and advocate for himself. Yes, these things don't "fix" the problem - but they are a marked improvement over what we were dealing with at the beginning of the year. I can imagine, if he continues in the current determined fashion, that he will be significantly less disabled as an adult than he was as a child - and possibly just "different."

I think of him as having a manual transmission brain, where NT kids' brains are like driving an automatic. You can't just get into a manual transmission car and start driving, you have to break it down into many. many more steps than an automatic, and it can take significantly more practice. (Trust me, my parents made me learn on a manual; it's much harder to start out.) However, once you've got the hang of it, a manual transmission can give you far more delicate control of the car. and manual transmission drivers tend to have a much better understanding of cars and driving - aren't most racecars manual?

I think this metaphor holds true for how to help a child on the spectrum; lots of simple baby steps, lots of repetition, lots of practice. It will take my son a significant length of time before he is a skilled professional, but I have confidence that he will get there.

Sounds very similar to myself at that age.
I never really had any friends till I got to high school and met a few people with similar interests.