Coping with changes when teenage daughter gets pregnant

Post Reply New Topic

I'm the one with the Diagnosis of Aspergers, and daughter is fairly NT though does show some traits.
She's 17 and got herself her first boyfirend about 5 months ago.
He's nice enough but is 25, having left school at 16 with no qualifications to work on a farm.
She was meant to be going off to university in September but he revealed at weekend that she was preganant and university is now longer happening and that she plans to go live on farm with the boyfriend.

I'm finding the situation very difficult, not slept for the 3 night since she told us and not been eating either which for me is something.

I'm feeling frustration (I think) at the situation rather than at them. It seems to me to be the end of all her wonderful plans for her life.

that's too bad that she got herself into that situation. it doesn't have to mean her dreams are over, but just that it will take more time to acheive them. she may decide to go to school after. i had my oldest child when i was 16, i left school when i found out i was pregnant because the school i was in was pretty rough and i was afraid of getting hurt. i stayed home with my daughter until she was 1, then got my ged and when she was3 i went to college. i could have done university but i'm not that into school and homework. so if she wants it she can still do it. the time frame will just be messed up. i hope things work out for her. there's not a whole lot anyone can do about it now.

I don't mean to sound unhelpful, but at her age chances are not too bad that she'll be moving back in with you at some point with her baby, because the boyfriend/farm scenario didn't work out in one way or another. Lots of people go back to college while having children, if they have the proper support.

I myself got 4 different college degrees after I had two babies with a man who'd dropped out of school at 16 to work, and I'm working on getting my 5th degree. Life paths are not so cut and dried anymore these days like it used to be in previous generations. More and more, colleges are offering mature-student options for people who are not right out of high school, and this trend will only grow. Around one-third of the students in my college had children of their own, so it's hardly a rare thing these days.

I hope this information provides you some emotional relief. For all you know, your daughter might enroll in college next year.

I can understand your concern, but maybe this will help. I was 17 when I became pregnant with my first daughter. I had only been dating her father for a month, it happened one of the first few times we had sex. He and I stayed together about two years. But my daughter and I have each other for life. I won't say it's never been hard. In my case being an aspie didn't help, although I know some aspie moms find the experience easier than I have. We struggled, but we've done ok, and now she's 24 and we are friends. And my life wasn't ruined. There were things that I didn't get to do, or she didn't get to do, but they weren't the end of the world. And I did go to university- when I was 40. And you know, that's probably a good thing in some ways, because now I really know what I want to do and am ready to work hard and do well at it. My youngest daughter also became pregnant at 17. Even with my experience ( maybe more so) I was upset. But she is a great mom, and I know now it will be ok. Don't get me wrong--parts will be hard and I don't know your daughter. But chances are very good that everything will work out ok. So let me be one of the first to say "Congratulations, Granddad!"

Thanks
I know that she can go back later but suspect that it probably won't happen.
I am just finding it so hard to adjust from a few weeks ago when we were talking about what she was going to do with her life with regard to post university such as teaching, etc and all the things she was going to do when she went away(trips, concerts etc) to suddenly it's "there a job cleaning at the golf club 10 hours a week" I'll apply for that. It was apparent from start of relationship if her and boyfriend were to do anything in life such as foreigh travel she'd have to be the main earner.

Am trying to be as supportive as can be but am finding that this is situation outwith my control.

Also find it difficult that some things are being done/planned because they'er mother/daughter things others are Daughter/Boyfriends things, seems to be nothing for me to do but be told I'm not needed just now. I suppose that gives me time to go find extra hours to work to help finance things.

Am not sure how much of this is an Aspie thing or just the reactions of any father in this situation. Either way, it sucks.

You're a pretty normal dad to be concerned about your child and want the best for her. Give yourself and the situation sometime and there is a very good chance that things will not look so bleak. One thing I reminded myself of frequently when I was upset because of my daughter's pregnancy was " You are awaiting the birth of your first grandchild. That is beautiful and amazing! Don't spoil it for yourself, your daughter, or your grandchild."

I am trying to look at positives such as no unviveristy fees but suspect those savings will be used up paying for other things.

As I said I think it's just a huge upset to carefully made plans and adjusting to those changes.

And I'm don't feel old enough to be a grandfather at 44.

I find it somewhat disturbing that you got the news from the father rather than from your own daughter. It makes it sound like she's in denial - or perhaps that he's putting pressure on her to have the child when she was considering an abortion.

A talk with her about it without him present may be in order. Be supportive of whatever decision she comes to - but try to make sure she gets to make her own decision.

talking to her may help. don't say anything negative about her bf. that will force her to push you away. if you want to work on your relationship invite her to do something she likes to do on a regular basis and make that into a father/daughter thing. maybe ask her is she is happy and let her know that if she is happy you will be happy for her.
about the earning money thing... her bf works on a farm, a jobs a job. not everyone needs the extra money and vacations to make them happy and money only makes some things easier. if they can afford the basic necessities and can get their priorities in order they will do fine without the extras.

Your feelings are completely understandable and something I think any parent would feel AS, NT or any where in-between. I think maybe it might be a bit similar to how some of us parents felt when we got a diagnosis of autism, AS, etc. for our kids. We had images in our heads of how our child's life was going to be and a diagnosis like this changes those expectations. IT doesn't mean the end of the world but it definitely means a different world from the one we had envisioned. It hurts and it is hard. Allow yourself time to feel those feelings. Then after some time has passed maybe you can reach out to her and make a point to have some Dad/daughter time. Dad's are still important to daughters even when we grow up and have kids of our own. I think no matter how things turn out with the boyfriend, she is going to need you and need your support. When you are ready, let her know you will be there for her.

Also, I agree with psychohist that you may want to make sure that this is really her decision and that she isn't getting pressure to do something she is not ready for. That could be a very delicate conversation.

Well she is already pregnant so the goal should be to help her make the best of the situation. Encourage her to continue with her education and tell her you will do your best to help her with that, whether it be financially, if possible, or in terms of child care so she can study and attend courses, or both. If she gets a degree she will have the potential to provide much better for her child and family if needed.

She should complete what courses she can while she is pregnant and then take a term off to give birth and attend to the baby, before going back.

agree!!

I also dont think the whole farm thing is going to work out based on the fact that he droped out of school. He obviously quits when the going gets tough and farming takes dedication. So dshe will probablly be back home after a few years which then you can talk her into going to university and offer her free babysitting.

I know it seems like the end now, but you will feel much different when that baby is born. My mom had mme at 20 years old, she never completed college, but she did work her way up the chain and became superintendant of housing, guest services, and daycare for a military base. She also became a state recognized advocate for those with disabilities and even testified before congress. Later became a grant writer that brought in over a million dollars to our community. She did all this with a high school diploma. Its not where she planned to in life, but it has been an interesting journey.

The reason it came from the father was that there was party at house for my wife's birthday, my daughter had gone to bed as she had work in morning. My wife who suspected something wasn't quite right, asked the boyfriend and to his credit, he didn't lie but it did make for a traumatic end to the evening, well more of a lot of crying from wife until morning. I think she had a sudden outburst of emotion, which came flooding out whereas mine is more sort of oozing out over the last few days.

He's made it quite clear he would support any deceision she made and the choice to keep it is hers.

Have tried to talk to her but at moment all I'm getting is I'm tired and to leave her alone, there's a fine balance between annoying someone with asking them too many times and then not asking them at all and I can never get it right.

It's a family farm and all the money is tied up in the land, it's waht's called a croft over here in scotland, poor land with poor sheep on it. He has no regular income, onlywhen occasionally the family seel some sheep. He has "plans", such as applying to be a school bus drive in August when the jobs come round again but that's all. Other than his plan to go poach deer.

She has finished her school education and was due to go to university in September, things are slightly different over here. So there no courses for her to continue at present.

Also find it difficult that some things are being done/planned because they'er mother/daughter things others are Daughter/Boyfriends things, seems to be nothing for me to do but be told I'm not needed just now. I suppose that gives me time to go find extra hours to work to help finance things.

You may not like my suggestion but here it is. LOL Try to support the boyfriend. Being unprepared and suddenly having father hood coming your way is pretty scary and overwhelming. Talk to him while the girls are doing girl things.. offer some tips or share some experiences you have had as a father / partner.. even just light funny things like.. always keep food handy.. and bring home chocolate.. always say you're sorry even though you really know the pregnant hormones have her acting like a lunatic.. LOL and never tell her she is acting like a lunatic.. unless you have a LOT of chocolate.. Maybe get involved in some of the things like putting baby furniture together or researching car seats and helping install them.. Anything you do to help this young man be successful in this new role will in turn help your daughter and your grandchild have a better life. And seeing the 2 of you do well together will make her happy.

She may be a little less around you right now as she feels the 'daddys little girl' has disappointed dad syndrome.. it may be harder for her to face you than her mom .. I know for my girl it's harder for her to accept that she let her dad down with anything.