Encouraging Their Charms

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J Bird, 14, has been having a difficult time at school and at home. All though yes, its been a few months since our parents split its still left him in a little bit of shambles. What I'm concerned about is that he feels he needs to hide in school, which mean he tends to wear "camouflage" colors eh hem black. The other thing is he's been worrying in the behavior even considering that he is in the least big ugly. J Bird is usually quiet and very sweet. But lately he's been very self destructive and tempermental. We're not sure where to help him. But I want to be able to encourage him.

I want to be able to help him right now. Even if that means the only power I have is to encourage his charms. Make him see all his beauty. I don't want him to lose who he is.

I wore black a lot in high school. I did this because I noticed that people tended to leave me alone more when I wore mostly black, matched with one other dark color.

I also was very sweet and extremely well behaved "got to follow the rules" - I only chose to be more temperamental when I was trying to establish myself as someone not to be pushed around all the time (and it was actually really hard for me to do. Frowning is hard work, and I hate loud noises - even when its my own voice).

Anyway, if it were me doing these things at that age it would be because I was going through a shutdown period. Usually my goal in doing so was only to get people to back off and leave me alone. Everyone is different, but the behavior sounded familiar to me so I thought I'd add a personal analogy.

(14 is an age where bullying can be intense. Its hard to figure out how to deal with it and what signs you're putting out that make people think you are an easy target)

Pandora, I think that's terrific. Be aware that J-bird may not be able to hear you; he probably thinks you are only saying things because you are his brother, and thus obligated to do so. I know as a kid, I never heard anything my family had to say about me.

My son struggles with a terrible self-image (that nobody but he can see) and also wears black or camo as often as humanly possible, probably for the same reasons. I spend a lot of time talking to him about how terrific he is (he's an amazing kid,) and while he still doesn't believe me entirely, a few things have gotten through. Things that tend to get through are highly literal and specific (e.g. "Nobody else I know understands (special interest) the way you do")

Sometimes, it's better to let him overhear you than to tell him something directly, too - I don't know who else you've got at home, but (in earshot of J-Bird, when he's not distracted) tell them why you think he's terrific. This will carry even more weight if the person is an understanding close friend and not a family member. We use this technique all the time, for some reason it works for us.

The ages of 12-16 are really, really hard. They're hard for everyone, NT and other neurotypes alike - don't underestimate the power of you just being there for J-bird. I think he probably knows your concern, and appreciates it.

I agree with momsparky - I think it's hard for them to hear and really believe the good things family members say. Our son needs to see absolute proof before he believes something. In encouraging his charms, which is an excellent idea btw, try to find ways that "prove" their quality. For example, if he is good at art and the art teacher makes a good comment about one of his pieces, emphasize the importance of the art teacher's comment. Take advantage of whatever opportunities present themselves to provide him with concrete evidence of what a great kid he is.

I don't know, I would be careful about trying to be too empathetic with him. If he's used to people being sarcastic or making fun of him (as happens a lot at that age) there is a good chance he could take offence by your positive words and think it's some kind of an attack or hidden criticism.

A lot of times when people say positive things they don't just lay them out as facts. "You're smart. I like that. Lets go to the park." They use some kind of lilt in their voice "You're so smart and I think that's jusssst won-derful." (emphatic spelling used to denote subtle inflection). For me, it's not that I can't hear inflection - it's just that it's often impossible for me to interpret it (or even if I do interpret it correctly, I doubt myself) and therefore can often assume the worst.

I just don't want your relationship to be hurt if he misinterprets what you say. It sounds like you really care about him and that would be really sad.

I like the idea of letting him overhear you/standing up for him around other people. Just be careful with the inflection - the more 'fact like' you sound, the better IMO.

I'm very straight forward. I say it like its or isn't. Being on the spectrum myself, I try my best to help my dad with the kids. Though the 19 year old isn't much of a kid any more.

For me the straight fact is,

The bullies are wrong, period. That is something that isn't true. Either it is or it isn't.

J Bird is a wonerful, smart, and intelligent young man. Fact. Proven academically and socially around the house. That is something that is true. Either it is or it isn't.

Sure these are facts based on subjective perception. But that's how I intrepret my thoughts. I try my hardest when it comes to J bird to remain as straightforward as I can be.

But I also don't want him to hurt. I've been through it myself. I am still through it. I know what its like to not be accepted. To feel as if you're a broken puzzle piece in life.

And I want to use that experience to help my siblings best I can. I don't want them to feel like I feel. To feel like there is nothing to live for. My rational and my idealistic hopes always fight with one another.

But as a brother, it is my duty to both protect and love my siblings.

It never helped me to hear compliments from my mom when I was a teen. She's my mom, of course she loves me. Hearing it from my sister would have been great, though. She was more prone to putting me down than complimenting me.

Dropping praise into casual conversation might be the most effective way to do it. "You look great in that shirt" or "that was a really thoughtful thing you did" rather than "How dare they say mean things about you, you're so awesome."