Do you think my parents suspect?

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Since this is a big text, I marked the keywords in bold.

First things first: let me state that I have absolutely no intention of disclosing my AS "non-diagnosis" to my parents. I'm not sure why, but I really don't want to. Maybe it has something to do with the slightly condescending sympathy my mother feels for "disabled people". I don't need anyone's pity.

Also, while I maintain good relations with my father, I don't live with him, so this topic will be almost exclusively about my mother.

With that out of the way, let's talk about the reason I created this topic. When I was about 15 up to when I was 18 years old, I was at my lowest functioning state. I would spend the whole day at home, playing video games and avoiding contact with other people (sure, I still avoid contact, but it was way worse back then). Since I had no friends and there was mutual avoidance between me and my colleagues, I hated school, leading to my failing grades and two years on retention. On top of that, I was avoiding searching for a job, thanks to my anxiety (which I would cover up with the excuse of looking for a great job opportunity). To sum it up, I was a basement-dweller.
As expected, my parents were worried about me. They were frequently talking about sending me to a psychologist, to which I responded with such thoughtful answers as "psychologists are for crazy people". Of course, I was always researching about possible explanations for my weirdness, but I would never admit it to them.

When I was 18, my mother kind of forced me into accepting a job as an office boy. Surprisingly, I liked the job. I was always walking all around the city (sometimes, even to other towns). I changed for the better. I was less anxious, more independent and, according to my father, my eyes weren't empty anymore, whatever that means. There were even two girls who were interested in me at school (although I unadvertedly made one of them lose interest and I wasn't interested in the other). And the fact that I was being paid sparked my current interest in economics and my ambitious goals.
After 8 months, I left the job for a better paid, but completely unsuited for an individual in the spectrum: a supermarket. In little less than two months, I was desperate for leaving that job, but I managed to pull it off. For 1 year and 2 months, even. That alone is proof enough of the progress I made since my "low functioning years", but there were two even more impressive feats: I had friends for the first time in 4 years and I began studying accounting, which I'm very good at. Since I'm studying accounting, I applied for an internship at the biggest bank in my country. Actually, my wage decreased, but I'm very content with my current job.
Of course, I still have problems: I still don't feel comfortable talking to strangers. Consequently, I'm very reserved at school and work (although I'm beginning to open up at school and, to a much lesser degree, at work). Also, I don't keep in touch with my friends from my previous work if I don't have to buy something at the supermarket: it feels strangely unnatural for me. Nothing to worry about, just your typical Asperger's syndrome related difficulties.

As you can probably guess, they stopped worrying. Ever since my first job, there was no mention of psychologists and therapy. My parents either thought it was just a phase or chose to ignore it. I suspect the latter. Why? Because I've always shown some weird traits, ever since I was a kid. I always had difficulty in relating to other people; I always showed more interest in books/video games/dinosaurs/robots/whatever was my special interest at the time than people; I always had unusual speech patterns (monotonous voice and formal language, to be specific); I always had some minor coordination problems (I walked in a weird way when I was younger, although nowadays I stride in a more normal way), etc.
My mother frequently talks about my lack of social skills. Hell, I even mentioned oxytocin to her earlier today, and she told me to give it a try. My father sometimes asks if there is any girl interested in me or vice-versa (to which my reply is always "I'm not interested in dating yet" -- Are you noticing a pattern of me covering up my limitations?). My point is: they know I have some problems. Do they think it's all just shyness or are they simply avoiding to think about the implications? Do you think there is a chance that they think my relative success up to this point means I don't have any development disorder?

P. S.: By the way, I highly doubt that they know about AS and development disorders: they are not nearly as inquisitive as me. Sometimes I wish they accidentaly stumbled upon an article about AS. Maybe they would comment about it to me and I would have to tell the truth, since I wouldn't be capable of avoiding a direct question. Yeah, I know it's strange. I want to tell them, but I don't want to.

P. P. S.: Sorry for the ridiculously long post.

P.P.P.S.: I'm going to sleep know.

I find myself wanting to drop the As bomb too, but i realize that it can often bring more harm then good. Sometimes people do not want to hear about it, other times people will misunderstand/interpret things. To me it is a dangerous thing for people to know i am somewhat autistic. Even my family constantly makes wrong assumptions because they know i have As.

My brother calls me spastic this should indicate how ignorant he is, despite knowing the label. My parents bring in things about routine and not being able to deal with sudden changes when my actions have nothing to do with those things. Also a wonderful thing is that my mother informed more then 60 people of my diagnosis right when i got it (without asking me), not just my relatives but also their acquaintances/neighbors and friends people who have no freaking business with me.

She felt like it was the explanation for everything that happened to me and broadcasted it to the world.
I hate that she did this, it was MY diagnosis and she used it like a tool to save her public face. What is the point in dropping the word autistic if people are going to be informed by someone who is uneducated in the topic with a list of stereotypes that do not even apply to me.

Now when i get a birthday card (that i did not ask for) it has a cartoon about how birthdays can be stressful. I understand they mean it well but i still reject the gesture, and find it a bit insulting too. They do not know what a birthday is like for me and why i do not attend them, it has more to do with the fact that i do not feel like probing everyone on the opinion they have developed of me and then proving all these established opinions about me wrong. Nowadays i don't even go to birthdays anymore partially because of this.

All in all the best advice i have heard so far is from tony attwood: learn to explain who you are without mentioning the Aspie label.

Personally i find that i have about as much in common with the average person as with the average aspie.
The last time i was amongst people with more pronounced aspergers traits i felt very uncomfortable. While i tend to feel really good with people who are strange but i wouldnt dare diagnose them with anything because its hard to tell if they have something.

I dont feel like the aspergers label fits me at all, yes im an aspie but i dont see myself fitting the stereotype (who does).
Maybe i just think i am functioning better then i really am.

To answer the question i don not think they suspect, but who am i to judge that, its just a gues.

This is really tough bc everyone is different. I know that when I told my mom she was very relieved bc she also has all the signs of aspergers.. it goes from her to me to my daughter. She had always known she was weird and always felt like a failure bc she just couldnt fit in and manage what everyone else seem to do so easily. So she was exceptionally relieved and felt better about herself and her life. She agrees that my daughter is a lot like she was and knows how much she struggled so understands why I feel we need to do something.

I think you should probably mention it to your dad and see what he thinks about telling your mom. Being that you have always been delayed in some areas and have always struggled, she surely knows you arent a normal duck. So maybe having a reason for the differences will be comforting to her. As is, she possibly blames your difficulties on her herself and parenting mistakes. It may make her feel better to understand that you are who you are and it's not bc of some odd thing she did when you were a baby.

Regardless of whether you disclose the situation to your mother, you might have to find sympathy and understanding elsewhere.

If your parents are the type of people that have difficulty acknowleging problems and showing sympathy, they won't do any better with this. I tried and tried to talk to my mother about my son with classic autism because I wanted sympathy and understanding. Instead, I got general advice and a lack of deep concern.

I got a lot more support from my local chapter of the Autism Society. You might check out what support groups are available in your area.

Yes, an Aspie can be an accountant--my mother and younger brother are both living proof of this. Neither diagnosed with anything--they have jobs, so everything is okay, right? Accounting is an Aspie-friendly profession.

I actually wrote a post last night that got stuck in cyberspace so I guess this will be the short version.

From watching my own mom all these years, and being a parent myself, I will say that parents see and understand a lot more about their children than they let on to the kids. It simply is not a parent's place to push every thought about their kids onto their kids, but it does not mean they don't have the thoughts. Children have the right to make their own way, their own journey, and we parents quickly get relegated to the role of a spotter: break the fall, but otherwise let them do what they need to do. It may not seem that way to someone who has recently left their parent's home and control, but it is. We get this limited amount of time to do all we can to set our kids on a solid course, and then it is out of our hands.

So. Given how much AS information floats around where I live, good bad accurate or inaccurate, odds are good, if where your parents are is any little bit like here, that your parents are hearing enough to start to wonder. But with your life on course, they are not likely to ever breathe a word of it to you. It would be a stalemate: they don't feel it's their place, and you don't want to share. It has to be your choice, provided you don't start sinking. If you sink and call out for help, then you'll hear what has churned through their heads uninvited. If you were underage they would be following up because they would have a duty to do all for you that they could, and they would desperately want to. Even now they probably desperately want to do all for you they can, but it is no longer their place. So while you are on course, most parents will hold their tongues. It's in the job description.

You know, I hope you'll break the ice on it with your parents some day. It would answer so many questions for them. I would want to know if you were my adult child. I would want you to trust me enough to tell me stuff like that. Even if it were out of my realm of understanding. Even if I denied it at first. I would like to think that my kids will still love me enough, and know how much I love them, to tell me something like that.

That is exactly what I worry about. My mother's brother has schizophrenia and is extremely low-functioning. She would probably mix the disorders and think I'll be like him in a few years.



This is something I haven't thought about, but I definitely should consider it. While I trust my parents, my father has four sisters and about ten nephews to spread the news. Not to mention his wife and her sisters and nephews.



I don't use AS to explain who I am. Generally, I explain in terms of oxytocin, amygdalas, introversion and lesser emotional intelligence. As expected, not everyone understand these concepts.



Yeah, that's part of the reason I consider telling them. My father never stated outright, but I know he blames my mother for some of my quirks (on the other hand, if my mother were guilty for her actions, my father should be for his "unaction": he was not always present during my childhood). Maybe I should ask him about my autistic traits as a kid. I asked some questions to my mother, but she was becoming suspicious and I had to stop, which means most of the facts I have are based on my teenager and adult years.



They don't lack sympathy at all; they simply seem to believe that I "got better". Since I'm very high-functioning, it's not a stretch for them to think I'm only a very shy man with a few quirks. Most people seem to think that.
Anyway, I'm not looking for sympathy: I only think I owe an explanation to them. But I'm not being rational: since they don't share my obsession with knowing how things work, it's not really necessary for me to tell them. They would be happier with results.

On the other hand, I believe that knowledge should be shared.



You made me think about another possibility: what if, instead of denying the truth, they are just sparing me from it? If that is the reason, it backfired spectacularly.



Not much, (un)fortunately. I'm certain that they never heard about Asperger's syndrome. They heard about classic autism, but no one in their right mind would think I have it.



I will, eventually. I already told my mother about hyperlexia and ADHD, although I focused almost exclusively on the good side of them. Asperger's is much trickier to explain without mentioning its ugly side...