Clothing - need help quickly

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This could go with an AT child or one on the spectrum.

My 8 year old is refusing to change clothes. She is wearing thick long pants and a long sleeve shirt. Usually I allow her wear what she wants, but today we are going to be out and it is going to be very hot. I do not want her to overheat. I have given her the option of two other outfits and told her she could choose her own as long as it is short sleeve and shorts. I even offered for her to just wear a short sleeve shirt and keep the pants, again, her choice.

She is yelling and telling me she won't change because she choose the outfit and she will not change because she likes "these." I don't want a fight. Today is her sister's birthday, and I don't want the drama. She already had a tantrum/meltdown because someone talked while she was recording something onto her MP3 player (we had no idea she was recording). I would just let it pass, but we are going to be out ALL DAY in the sun. She will over heat. I don't want to deal with getting hit or kicked either if I force her to change.

Has anyone ever had any success with this???

OK. I think we have solved it for the moment. I will choose an outfit and we will take it with us. If she gets too hot, she will change (hopefully). She did not sleep last night, and I think that could be part of the problem.

If anyone has anything that has worked for them, I am still open ears for any future issues.

Seeing as you compromised with her about just changing her t-shirt and keeping the pants, i'd go with that option. She needs to learn to compromise too. Is it because of sensory issues? If so let her wear a bigger tshirt or something.

I can sympathise - my son thinks it is perfectly acceptable to spend the weekend in his sleeping suit, preferably without having to bathe for 3 days, ...... as if!
But I have to admit the only thing to motivate him to get changed is either a maternal meltdown or his friends knocking on the door, asking him out or over, which I have to say is in 9 out of 10 cases, .
In the summer holidays they climb out of their beds and run to each others houses in their sleeping suits, the respective mother in hot pursuit.
Is there a little princess inside to appeal to?
I mean could you shift the emotional focus from staying in what she is wearing to what she could wear?
The fact that you gave her 2 choices might make her mad, could she choose all by herself ( conditions are light and shortsleeved ).
Also, could it be that she is 'jealous' of her sister getting all the attention today?

I just checked for replies whilst I was typing - a sleepless night could be the trigger, another one could be hunger or thirst.
My son gets really cranky when hungry, thirsty or tired, but can't make the connection.

Taking the second set to change into is the strategy of a very accommodating mum, .

I hope you all have a nice day!

I am not sure if it is sensory or not. Actually, I just asked her and she says "It is a nice fitting shirt" and the others do not feel as good. I suppose it is sensory. Funny though, it is tighter on her than her other shirts. There is a store I go to get her clothes, but it is not open today. That's OK.

Honestly, I do like the shirt she is wearing. It is nice. I am just afraid she will get too hot.

Yes, she does need to learn compromise. I don't thing she has been taught much of that (since she is normally not at my house), but I think I will slowly work on that... nad some of her anger management skills. At least I didn't get hot today. Last night, I came up with a rule. If she hits, she owes me a quarter. She does not like that, nbut she did have to hand one over last night. I think that I will give her the quarter back (I want to give it back, but I don't want to give in either) if she goes a day without hitting. I will think about that.

@PaleBlueDotty: LOL. Yes, that sounds just like her. She will not go out in her PJs, but she will go out in the middle of the winter (sub zero with snow and wind blowing) in a sundress and shoes with no socks. Baths (to her) are optional, as is brushing her hair. I cannot do anything for her because she "is a big girl." She is getting there. I do love my kids.

And thank you I try to "make peace" if I can.

Clothes are tough, as it's difficult to tell whether the issue is a sensory issue (clothes don't feel right - and believe me, I have this one: I get a rash from anything wool. I can understand the meltdowns.) or a rigidity issue (doesn't want to change for the seasons.)

See if she will talk to you about it...or maybe if she will fill out a questionnaire about clothing. For instance:

I like this outfit because: it doesn't itch; my arms and legs don't feel naked; it doesn't have any tags; it isn't too tight; it isn't too loose; it doesn't make noise when I walk; it doesn't flap; it flaps; it feels heavy; it feels light; it doesn't rub; it does rub; it doesn't feel weird to put on/take off ..or because_____________________

(These are all sensory issues. You may be able to extrapolate what she needs and find something lighter that approximates the feeling she needs: for instance, those mesh jerseys that football players wear, or linen pants instead of sweats, or maybe even a skirt. Some kids can gradually become used to sensory things that "bother" them, but it's a long process and I find it's sometimes just easier to find clothes that work. It's what I do as an adult.)

I like this outfit because: I just like it; it's my favorite; it's who I am; it's about me being me; it's important to me; I like to wear the same thing every day; I don't like changing; I just want to wear what I want...or because___________________________

(Guessing on the questions based on my own son's statements - these would all be about rigidity, predictability, and dislike of change - we used to have this struggle every year, but my son has finally gotten used to the idea that the weather predicates what you wear. I don't have good answers for that one - it's our bugaboo. However - approaching change by preparing for it, making it known that it's going to happen and expected, maybe a visual chart of what is expected, maybe gradual (could you go 3/4 sleeves and long pants as an interim step?))

With the rigidity, my son often gets an idea in his head about how things are "supposed" to be, and that idea is like superglue. We are using our therapy hours on that single issue; it's frustrating, because that single-mindedness is going to be a real asset to him someday...but the fact that he absolutely positively cannot play a game unless he has the blue or black game piece (or whatever it is that day) is really difficult. I never know when to push (though, when it's a health issue, I push) and when to back off...

We had this problem for years with my daughter. Its hard for them to change clothes with the seasons. She also had some sensory problems with things touching her arms but we got her over that with the corn brushing then started laying cloth for a certain amount of time on her arms. Now she doesnt have the sensory issue and I got rid of the clothes problems by packing up the heavy clothes in the summer in plastic containers and hide them in the garage then put out fall clothes and winter clothes as the seasons change. We keep out some transitional clothes up in my closet just in case the weather turns. So I just bring out all the season appropriate clothes and put them in place of the last season....just do it while they are in school or have someone take them somewhere because if they are old enough they will find the clothes .

GreatSphinx,

Who is the parent, and who is the child? Assert yourself, confiscate the clothes (they really belong to you, anyway), and don't let the child run your life.

I like to wear pants and long sleeves on hot summer days too and for reasons that I don't think have yet been mentioned. I get sunburn easily and long clothes provide the best protection from that. I'm also a mosquito magnet, if you're going someplace that might have bugs long clothes again will be the most comfortable. And when I was her age I was also allergic to my own sweat and would break out in a rash wherever my skin was sweaty and touching itself, so I hated to wear shorts, skirts and dresses on hot days. I'm also extremely allergic to poison ivy so long pants are a must in wooded areas. I've never overheated, if you really think she will bring her water to drink. Another option is to wear a short sleeve shirt with a light knit hoodie over so if she does get hot she can take it off, but if the bugs come out she can put it back on.

Taking a cooler set of clothes along was a great idea and a few extra bottles of water wouldn't hurt. Why fight a battle if you don't have to? She can learn the hard way what 'overheat' means. Sometimes it takes a concrete example of something as conceptual as 'overheat'. If she's never experienced overheating before she'll have no idea what you are talking about. Or maybe she needs reminding. Connecting clothing choices to the weather may be a skill she needs to work on. Social stories usually include apropriate clothing for the season.

She's making style choices though, which, in and of itself is a major accomplishment. She actually picked clothes she likes! My 9yo is just beginning to occassionally pick out clothes that she wants to wear. Usually mom or dad need to lay them out for her. We are actually getting to the point where she will choose a MATCHING headband to go with her outfit.

It's the little things!

I don't see the problem with letting her wear what she wants and face the consequences.

The answer to this one is quite simple: She is not the only one who will face the consequences. There is also her two sister and me. I can tune out a melt down, and I can also help to sooth one (if I have the energy), but one of my daughters CANNOT handle intense emotions right now, and it is her birthday. I don't want to do that to her today. Even if I make her walk back to the car and remind her that this was her choice, I will still be the one hearing the fall out from it, and the tears of a kid not feeling well and probably so tired that she won't even remember *whhy* it is that she is not well. I have been through fatigue with her before and if I can prevent it, I will. In the mean time, I am just picking my battles

I am not looking back at who said it, but to whomever said that I am the mom and she is the kid... Yes. You are correct. And I do have her do what I say, but there are times that I should not push too hard. Remember that this is one simple post, and I haven't given the background on her. There are reasons I pick my battles with my kids. They have a lot going on, and all three of them need to work on things. If I were to attack everything at one, they would become overwhelmed and meltdown (and become bitter and resentful - I know. Their dad has tried it). I am focusing on hitting right now (and mouthing). Those are hard enough for her to change. That actually may be one of the reasons she was so strong willed this morning. She needs some control, and this was the way she could get it. There is nothing wrong with allowing her to feel some control. It is actually healthy to allow this, as long as she doesn't take over. And she doesn't.

Everyone else, thank you. I will see what I can do the next time something happens. She is better now, and still wearing the same clothes. We are going back out again. This time, for fireworks.

I think the strategy of taking the second cooler outfit in case she needs it is perfect. Hope you guys had a great day!

We go through this with both sons every season too. It is a whole process to ease them into summer clothes and out of winter clothes, and then the same process in reverse to get them back out of the summer clothes and into the winter ones. Unfortunately where we live the weather changes are extreme from season to season, so wearing the down parka and mitts when it is +30C, and the t-shirt and running shoes when it is -30C just isn't an option! The clothing we provide (chosen by them) is equally as comfortable from season to season, it just feels different. They get used to the weight of a jacket and long pants, and hate the feeling of shorts by comparison, and then get used to the freedom of wearing less and hate the weight of the winter clothing by comparison. So for us it's about the sensory stuff, but also very much about difficulty accepting change as well.

This, to me, is the absolute most difficult part of parenting a child on the spectrum. Knowing when to push, when to give in, when to stand firm, when to be flexible...it's incredibly difficult and I find myself screwing it up all the time. You seem like you've got a much better handle on it than I (and we also have one that hits, though we seem to be getting somewhere with that finally.)

PS. I think the fact that the shirt is tight is a clue: she may be craving pressure. My son can't stand that: we have a couple biker's "compression shirts" that he despises with a white-hot hatred usually reserved for things that he stubs his toes on; the opposite may be true for your daughter...and this may help you figure out other clothes that will work.

This was exactly what I was going to suggest.