AGH....our son has his school consert coming up! Advice plc

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Ok...my son needs to take part in his school concert next week.......he needs to dance as part of a group with another girl, so no solo things.

I asked his teacher if it will be possible to take him home after the act....they do their thing in the beginning of the show. They need to be at school at 6'o clock in evening till 8 or 9 o' clock for 6 nights in a row....She said no he can't skip anything but come later to school in the mornings......
I told her it's not about to little sleep, but sensory overlaod.
I volenteerd to help with the kids every night so I can keep an eye on him and make him feel less anxious!

Today his behaviour changed at home...becoming more argumentative, picking fights with friends, crying, sad, anxious.....After I tried all the avenues I took a chance and started speeking about the upcoming consert.....turns out he feels so stresssed because they've been practicing every day...he says he can't finish his school work (I know his routine has been changed)...he also think that he will be evaluated for his performance!! !! Getting marks...doesn't believe me when I say no they don't get marks! He doesn't see why they need to do the concert....

I can't withdraw him from it, because he needs to dance with a partner....I told him it will be ok and we will make a plan to make it as less stressfull as possible...Ok, ANY ideas?

Last edited by lovelyboy on 11 Sep 2011, 12:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

That teacher is insane! Simply expecting him to do this at all is putting a huge amount of stress on him. Keeping him there, night after night, to endure repeated sensory overload is not only torture, it is an extreme form of torture.

If I had a choice between going through what your son has to go through, or having all my fingernails ripped out by the roots without painkiller, I'd give up the fingernails. In a heartbeat. Heck, I'd rip all my own teeth out with pliers, just to have an excuse to escape something like that. I'm sitting here wanting to puke just thinking of someone else having to endure that.

Do you have a sympathetic doctor, who might be willing to diagnose the symptoms of his stress as something that might require rest at home? Because if I were in that poor kid's shoes, even if I kept myself from deliberately doing anything to take myself out of action, I'd be so stressed, and hoping so much to break a leg, get hit by a car, whatever it took, that I'd literally be in danger.

Edited to add: The poor kid is only eight?!? This experience will do literally years of damage. I speak from experience. Not precisely the same thing, but I had some very non-understanding teachers at that age. More than forty years later, (and, no, they didn't know about AS then, but that isn't the part that matters; what matters is what I was put through), I still have those scars. Mental, not physical. I'd prefer physical scars.

Or, a signed note by the doctor. Let him do the dance, and then just leave. a fait accompli. And the doctor might mention "sensory overload." Might be one of the things to help the teacher start getting the point.

Please note: I AM NOT A PARENT. But I am a person who has lived the life on the spectrum, and like all of us, I'm in there trying.

This is abusive. If you can't get "permission" to get him out of it, I would keep him home and say he was ill. I don't know you will tell him. Aspies get quite legalistic, but you have to do something for the little guy.

Don't go?

Whats the worst that the teacher is going to do if you don't show up? Write an angry sounding letter? I agree with the wanderer, this sort of thing is sheer torture and is part of what made my life so horrible as a child. I absolutely hated having to get up on stage and stand next to a bunch of people, deal with the noise, the crowds, and then be expected to prance about like an idiot for the entertainment of other people.

Just don't do it. There is absolutely NO BENEFIT WHATSOEVER in even attempting this sort of insane crap, while there is massive and severe anxiety associated with it. The fact that your considering a compromise on this issue is concerning to say the least.

This! I don't think you would need a doctor's note anyway. Guess who else makes people go to events they don't want to go to? Kim Jong-il.

I can't see how a teacher can tell a child's PARENT that the parent canNOT take a child AFTER the child has completed his part of the concert. I mean it is not like you are illegally keeping him from school. It is a concert, for goodness' sake, and he isn't trying to get out of performing. You are the parent, you should be able to make the decisions. If you want to leave afterwards, how is she going to stop you? I would just take him whether she approves or not.

Yeah just don't take him.

Funny, my son can deal with the sensory overload of his favorite concert but not something like this.

Before we had any idea what was up with our DS the school holiday concert was one of the significant oddities. He loves music, liked the other kids, liked his teacher BUT night of the show, would not walk on stage. Just wouldn't do it.

This was right when DS was turning 8. We didn't know in advance that he was stressed, just night of the show......no go. Btw, we were at the school dressed. It was time to go on when the "I'm not doing this" happened.

We encouraged him to do it, but when we realized that he was really upset we told the teacher he was out and we went home.

This is a good example to me of cumulative stresses causing trouble. My DH works for a rock band, so the sensory issues of lots of noise and people are no problem when not worried about somethi g else. In fact, DS routinely joins the band on stage for the last song of the encore. He has done tHis in fromt of thousands of people. The band has been in his life from his earliest memory, and this is a place where he is always loved and accepted.

On the other hand, put him in the school gym for a concert where there's fear of judgement in addition to all of the sensory stuff - it's too much.

I have a hard time explaining this at school, how the sensory issues are not always apparent, much more so when he's under other stress. It's not that they aren't there, it's that he has the resources to manage.

Trackers book helped me understand this....I just wish the schools would come on board.

So to the op, tell the teacher that you aren't sure he will be able to do it at all (so she can have a plan b for the child he is supposed to dance with) and that if he can do it, you will be taking him home afterward. Explain, this is necessary and unfortunately, not negotiable.

Good point.

Your son is lucky you understand this. It is one of the very basic sources of misunderstanding that keeps many people from ever grasping our world. If I am barely able to handle one thing, the moment you pile one single straw on top of that load, the whole thing comes crashing down. "But you were handling X so well!" And they never seem to understand I'm nearly killing myself, that the slightest extra stress will take me past the limit of what I can handle.

For that matter - and I'm not trying to speak for your son, because I don't know him and every one of us is different - but in my case, the fact I can take, and even enjoy, certain concerts has a lot to do with the exact concert. I am very strongly affected by music. Some music is annoying, some isn't. I even react differently to different singers' voices. So I can hear music most people would assume I'd like, and yet be driven out of my mind by it, just because the singer's voice is irritating to me. (I don't mean just an issue of taste: just as one example, listening to Madonna will - literally - give me a headache, which will quickly build into a migraine.) There are some voices that seem to get into my head and tear around in there, ripping up my thoughts, clawing at the inside of my skull. Certain instruments, played in certain ways, will do the same thing. Yet I love the skirl of bagpipes. So music is one of my sensory issues.

Someone here (sorry; I see that was you) mentioned their kid could go to a concert they liked. So can I. But the pleasure of a concert I like seems to be greater for me than for those around me - and the pain of one I don't like is very certainly much greater. I would prefer physical pain to being bombarded by music I detest. Just because most people think of "music" as pretty much all alike doesn't mean it is to every one of us. Edited to add: I've even had very bad reactions to some music I usually like, if played on the wrong sound system. Those tinny supermarket speakers are the worst - they can ruin just about any song for me.

This is so helpful for me to understand why my son seems so musical but won't learn an instrument.

Thanx....this all makes so much sense and confirm my worries.....

Regarding attending music conserts vs performing in one: I also think that when you attend one you know you can control the situation, by walking out for a while when it gets to much vs performing, you can get into trouble if you do that .

Also: It now makes sense to me why he was feeling evaluated! It's his way of telling me he feel judged!

Kailuamom: You hit the nail on the head: My son has done EXACTLY this in the past: When he gets to anxious, he will just say: "No, I'm not doing this!" Strangely, this is exactly the OT 's words also....she said he might just not be 'able' to actually do it.....

Good point of mentioning that the teacher might need to think of a plan B for his dancing partner.

We attended the practice yesterday....he seemed to enjoy it BUT when we was walking back to the car I saw that "look" in his eyes: (Don't know if yoy guys know that look:) It's that distant look where it seems as if he is looking through you and not at you....and I knew....here is some sensory overloading going on.....

Luckily his teacher told me that they are dancing in the beginning....she didn't say much more....but it did seem as if I might take him home earlier!

So, relatively good news.

So maybe a pause after his performance? for a chance for him to experience the glow of a successful performance (or just the fact that it's over with!) as well as perhaps maybe some low-key comaradie with fellow performers. And then, would he rather go ahead and go, or stay a little longer?

(Looking back, I think I appreciated it when my Mom asked me in a respectful way where both options were equal.)

(And my parents never really explained, someone who is socially skill knows when to leave, maybe even party hops at times.)

I hope your son gets on ok.

If it all get's too much i'd be inclined to let him off and phone in sick. My son was so miserable about having to go on the school tour before the summer I phoned in sick. He was so relieved it was worthwhile.