Dead Things

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So, we had an interesting few days that involved cleaning out the bedroom of the 14 year old. He has actually become to the point where I feel he's a little hoardish. He's so obsessed with certain objects and had made them semi-personal, that when we tried getting rid of his baby things or things like the action figures he started to cry. J Bird is now moping even further. I think out timing was off.

I try to be as good of a brother as I can. I tried to give him his space when our cat died as well as when our parents divorced. But I am not sure how long he grieves for these things. I'm getting the feeling that he thinks everything is living him and he's having a hard time to cope emotionally.

Did I do the wrong thing by cleaning out now of all times?

I also found some surprising things in his room that I didn't expect from J Bird. It's usually P Boy whom I worry about a lot. The 19 year old has explosive episodes, and then quiet mellow almost humble episodes. But I found some er...none metaphoric dead things. In a shoebox were some skeletons in his closet. He swears up and down he didn't kill them and started crying, so I believe him on that front. But a closet isn't a burial place. But he said that part of the bookcase in the closet was a crypt. Don't ask me where he got that from. It explains a few things though, like the creepy bugs we saw in that closet sometimes.

Should I be worried about this? [Been idling in the back of my mind all night. And I can't seem to shake it off.]

I do not want to think ill of J Bird. He's sweet and happy, gentle and kind. He's bright and intelligent academically, he may not always make the smartest moves, but he is really brilliant. He's always smiling and he always seems full of life. All though he doesn't fully understand why someone may cry of why someone may feel hurt, he tries his best to make them feel better and does things to comfort them. He shows no outward behavior of being trouble to the point of being cruel to anything. He doesn't even show outward behavior to show that he could be cruel in any way. He's a cuddles and affections kind of kid. But the dead birds were a little off putting.

I will bring this up to our family therapist. But I also am of two minds I shouldn't be worried about this. But I feel I should be worried. I'm confused on how to handle this situation.

Anyone have some advice?

-Thanks Pandora Box

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We always seem to have our little ups and downs in this family. Everything seems to be working out and then something weird like this has to happen. I feel like I shouldn't even be as surprised as I am.

I guess it depends on what the dead things are. His reasons for keeping them could be anything, from scientific fascination to some type of emotional attachment, and you might be able to get him to explain it to you if you ask him.

When I was 7, the boy across the street found a dead blue jay and decided to cut off the feet and make a key chain out of them just because he thought it was neat.

Your brother may have been trying to observe the decomposition process, or possibly trying to preserve the remains much in the fashion of collectors who kept private museums once upon a time. Or he could have felt bad for the deceased and felt they should be buried in what he thought was a respectful manner where they could be protected and looked after.

If it's the latter I think I'd explain to him the life cycle. When things decompose and return to the Earth, the atoms and molecules they were made of has the chance to become part of other living things again. When he keeps the remains in his closet, this can't happen.

I think checking in with the therapist is a good idea.

Grief is difficult for anyone and it doesn't have a timeline...and at some point you have to clean up. Don't blame yourself - it was going to be hard on him no matter what you did.

As for the skeletons, do you have a backyard? I would explain that the appropriate place for remains is in the garden, and see if he wants to have a little ceremony to bury them. I wonder if this may be connected to the cat in some way - did the vet take the cat? Maybe he needs a place something like a cemetery to help compartmentalize his grief.

I also think that talking to a therapist about it would be a good thing, but I would ask your brother first.

We have an entire shelf in our living room dedicated to interesting, natural things. Some of them are dead insects that we've found, butterfly and moth chrysalis' after they've hatched, shells, fossils, stuff like that. For a little while, we had a cat skull that we found on the beach. Lots of people find this creepy or disgusting, but I find all parts of the natural world beautiful and amazing. We have cats that occasionally bring home rats and we've even left one where it was and watched the decomposition process. Again, lots of people would think this was absolutely disgusting, but it is amazing to watch!

I also like Chronos' idea of explaining the life cycle on a cellular level. This was an amazing revelation to my then 7 year old Aspie, when his great-grandmother died. We're not religious at all, but this made perfect sense to him, that everything was connected and that even when you died, you were still a part of everything.

I have two with AS and they both like to collect skeletons and skins that were shed. It is a scientific thing for them, they like a lot of Animal Planet and National Geographic. They see it as beautiful. If he is into egyptian history, maybe he sees it as giving them a proper burial place? I could see my youngest doing that. It would come from a good heart if so. Obviously the therapist will have a take on it for you, but have you asked directly why he had them without sound accusingly? Ask with curiosity, you may get the answer you are looking for. Ask as if you want to be enlightened. My two love to explain to me what is going on in their heads. Hope this helps.