Morning Disaster

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Most mornings have been good so far. My daughter gets up and dressed and starts working on her hair before I am even coherent. The last few days, especially after a weekend, she is near to impossible to get moving. It is not your typical Monday drag. We are talking, I have to TELL her how to put on her clothes and shoes, I have to remind her to put on panties first, I have to stand there and make sure she stays in motion because if I walk away, she sits down and mentally wanders off until i call her back to this world. I try to keep everything organized so it is a "no brainer" for these days, but lately they are happening all the time. Nothing is helping. Any ideas? She is getting plenty of sleep. She has been bugging me to homeschool again. It is simply not possible this year. We are renovating a home and it is too overstimulating for her. I would love to send her to a private school, but money is non existent. It has only been recently that this is happening and since I keep in contact with the teacher regularly I don't see any reason for her feelings about school to change. By the way, she is 9 with AS and OCD. I have to put a plug in for her, although she is behind in some socialization skills and has some sensory stuff, she has come so far and most people can't get over how "normal" (I hate that word) she is. Far cry from what she used to be. She is proud of herself and the responses she gets now, too. It is like she has been checking out, not even caring about that either, lately. Just disconnected. Like she used to do. She also had seizure disorder, but I haven't really seen any sign that is the problem, usually wetting the bed and such is a key sign for her. Neuro checked her recently and said all same. SO confused.

Funny, just coming here after an awful morning we had. DS lost a drawing he cared about and refused to go to school.

I know what it was about today: we had a very busy (if fun) weekend, and I pushed him past his limits without realizing it - he's gotten so much better that he managed the whole weekend and then melted down (just a little) at bedtime. Unfortunately, this left him very vulnerable in the morning, so it took just one thing to send him over the edge. Fortunately for us, the edge was just school refusal and he didn't hurt anyone, or even call any of us names.

I'm still not sure if we did the right thing, but the only thing I could think of was to have DH pick him up and gently carry him - which he didn't fight, although he complained loudly. Eventually, when he realized it was go or be carried, he put on his shoes went. I don't know if we should have let him stay home, but I'm afraid that is a slippery slope (I did send an email to the teacher and social worker to let them know he might need extra breaks today.)

At any rate, have you tried a visual step-by-step schedule with your daughter? We used to use one with DH with good success - and, yes, it had details like "put on underwear" on it. You may still need to walk her through it, but at least you can just point to the step then, instead of feeling like you're standing there nagging. It sounds to me like she's putting all her energy into school and doesn't have any left for extras like remembering the steps to getting dressed, and she loses momentum over the weekend.

I don't have much advice to offer - 10 (almost 11) year old Aspie boy does the same thing. I've just accepted it as normal for him, a function of very low memory and processing speed. Every morning we go through the same routine - reminders to get dressed after eating breakfast, reminders to load/organize backpack, etc. Without direct prompting, he'll usually only make it one step without forgetting what he's supposed to be doing. Any multi-step process has to be broken down into smaller steps, "Go find your school pants and shirt, put on your school pants and shirt, go find your socks and shoes, put them on please....."

Maybe you could start with a visual schedule, adding small tasks one at a time as she brings them together? Start with panties on every day for a week or two, then slowly add more individual items until it "getting dressed" is one single action in stead of many individual steps.

We do have a visual schedule for showering, since he has similar issues there (compounded by sensory seeking issues - he'd stay in the shower under the running water for a few hours if I'd let him). It has helped a very small amount, and I consider that a good start. He still needs lots of reminding. We've been trying all of the steps one one schedule sheet over the summer (so ~3 months) which worked great for the first 2-3 uses and now seems like too much all at once. Obviously I need to break it down into smaller chunks. The is my first experience with using this kind of visual schedule, which is why I said I didn't have much advice to offer. :/

Keep in mind that sensory issues do change a lot over time - we're creeping back into a sensory avoidant period after a few years of sensory seeking behavior. More or less input in that area may help with concentrating on keeping on task and overall happiness. Is she normally a stimmer? Has she been stimming more or less while the morning change happened? She might need less/more input in some area.

We used to have a picture schedule for her and picture charts for everything. We have moved once a year for the past few years, so for some reason, that threw her into not needing them. Maybe it's time to go back to them. She hates feeling like she is a little kid (embarrassed about pullups even though she knows it is because of her seizures). She used to WANT to be a baby for the longest time and now she wants to be a big girl. I don't want to lose that, the baby thing took so long to get her out of. She does seem to go through spells of regression here and there. Sometimes it is minimal, sometimes monumental.

She has always been a lollygagger. Getting from point A to point B is excrutiating sometimes. When it is something she is interested, it is hard to keep her under wraps to get into it in a dignifies manner, for lack of better way to put it. She becomes full speed ahead. Now, some mornings, she is more on top of things than I am, and she is so proud of herself when she is dressed and has her hair done before me. I used to lay in bed and pretend to be asleep longer so that she could get done first and brag to me about it. That motivated her to beat me. Now, she doesn't care. She zones out and would rather just vegetate.

She has a lot of sensory stuff, and I can understand about the shower thing. She doesn't feel temperature or pain in the same way the average person does, so she used to stand in the shower for forever. When she came out, she would be red as can be. We had turned the heater down, but the thermostat was broken and she was turning it up to warm the shower, but didn't feel when it was burning her. Another time she didn't realize she hadn't turned the hot water on at all and stood in a cold shower in winter for almost a half hour before we got frustrated with her taking so long and found her shivering uncontrollably. used a hair dryer to warm her fast. This was a year ago. Now we have to set the shower for her until we got out of the rentals. Even if we wanted to spank her, it would do no good, so we don't bother. When she was little she used to look at me like "What?" when I would smack her hand for touching an electrical plug or something. She doesn't like certain music loud, but loves other music so loud your ears would bleed (not literally). This is all her and we love her for it. She is unique and we all like that about her. The rest of the world, well, I don't know what their problem is. I try and teach her the skills she needs to get along with the rest of the world, because after all she lives in the world, the world doesn't revolve around her. She needs to learn to get along so she can get somewhere.

I don't know, maybe she is in another regression. I look at her toddler pictures and miss the fact that she could act how she was and it wasn't such a big deal. Even I have to confess that I see this bigger body and expect a more mature attitude and manner. I check myself, but, you know.
I don't know if this is an important point, but I am an AS adult. Found out when she was diagnosed as well as my oldest son. Whole family was tested. I took the hard knocks in life without realizing they were, and eventually learned that it was a bad thing. She has the same trouble with understanding others and their actions as well as placing intentions of others towards her. I work on what I recognize in myself and wished someone had helped me with. We are very open about everything with each other, so she knows and does come to me with everything. I don't think even she knows why she is in this funk.

Here is what works for me (my daughter is 11 years-old and she still needs help to get ready every morning):

1) She NEEDs to sleep 8 hours every night. If she does not she will be lost in space. Make sure your daughter is sleeping the 8 hours. Some times they fall sleep on time, but they wake up in the middle of the night and spend hours asleep. Maybe she is having that problem and you are not noticing. Every morning ask her how she slept. Probably she is not telling you she is spending part of her sleeping time awake.
2) I reward my daughter for being on time every morning. We opened a bank account for her, and when she has enough money she deposits it in the bank account. She loves it! I give her 0.50 every morning that is ready on time. If she is not ready on time, no money.
3) She works with a schedule. I use cards that indicate the activity (with words and pictures) and the amount of time for each activity. For example: a) Take a bath, 15 minutes; b) Get dressed, 15 minutes; c) Eat breakfast, 30 minutes; d) Brush teeth, 15 minutes; and so on. We use a cook timer to control the time, those that make sound as the times go by and have a ring to indicate time is over.
4) Give her enough time for each activity, according to her needs.
5) Wake her up a little earlier, if needed. This can give her time to wake up her brain. You can let her do some activity she likes and that is stimulating for her, like painting, reading or watching a little TV before starting to get ready.
6) Taking a bath every morning is very important, because the water helps them wake up.
7) After taking the bath she might go and sit on the bed and do nothing. You go, talk to her, make sure the timer is set to the correct time, and remind her the amount of time she has to complete the task (and make sure she started to do what she needs to do before going out of the room). I remind my kid every 5 minutes how much time is left, that way if she gets lost she can get back on track. Just remember to remind her gently, going to her bedroom instead of yelling from the kitchen.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Thanks so much to all of you. I hate the transition to school after a summer in which my dd made so much progress and everyone was happy. I realized that her bedtime refusal last night was closely related to my need to go back to bed this morning. We are both feeling "pushed."
It sounds like this is just normal, and that we can handle it gently, giving our kids lots of understanding and some support to get through their bedtime and morning routines.
J.

Does she read well? Maybe a chart with written instructions will seem less "babyish" than a picture chart?

She reads very well. I'll have to talk to her about the not sleeping during the night thing. Never thought about that, really. I guess if I do it, she may too.

Our back to school morning transitions have been rough as well. I made him a check list to follow and put stickers on. After he has completed it he gets a small prize and is happy as a clam. I'm hoping he won't need it too long, but it does help!

This behavior is likely the second peak of AS. You might know (or not) that many researchers have proposed that AS "onsets" at the age of 6 or 7. This is the age where many children with AS start complaining about hypersensitivity issues and generally make every small aspect of life difficult for their parents. Of course it doesn't really onset. This point is just a neurological peak of negative characteristics as the brain moves through it's developmental phases.

I believe another such peak exists around the age of 9-10, and instead of hypersensitivity, the most prominent characteristic at this peak is "meditating". I believe this is the most fitting term for what people with AS/ASD do when they appear to be daydreaming, spacing out, or dawdling. NT children do this as well from time to time, only not to the same degree.

Peak in on her when she is supposed to be getting ready for school. I bet you will find her sitting there not getting ready for school, and if she isn't obsessively checking her clothing for some type of imperfection...lint or hairs perhaps, then she is probably fixated on something seemingly puzzling and meaningless, possibly humming to herself.

In terms of children with AS, it's perfectly normal but it's a major cause of transition and motivational issue because the child can become rather content in this state and lose track of time. You're really just going to have to coach her through it so that she doesn't have time to sit and think. If she sits idle while doing things like getting ready for school, she also inadvertently allows the OCD a chance to surface.

Just help her get ready as fast as possible.

Chronos wrote:

Thank you for posting this, Chronos. I had never read that before. We're pretty new to this; my daughter actually escalated her acting out in the first part of the year she was 11 and then withdrew in the second half. She is also more interested in finding out how she thinks and feels, is more self-aware, etc. I believe that the meditating you mention and the time she spends alone is not only a coping mechanism but a way to explore her feelings (not mindfully, usually, but just letting them happen). Afterwards, she is often calm enough to sit and talk about herself.

I also think that social stuff is really hard to cope with in the pre-teen years, and zoning out is a good way to deal with the upsets without getting in trouble and, more importantly, being picked out as being different when peers are around. I know my daughter dawdles so she won't have to deal with the groups going places together and making her feel like she doesn't belong. She told me she likes getting to school just as the bell rings so she doesn't have to talk to people outside.

J.

Hi!! ! first let me tell you my daughter is 12 and we both have AS and she has OCD and general anxiety, so with us it is like a double whammy!! I feel for you, and any parent in this situation, I wish I could tell you It will get easier but it may not. My daughter is getting ready on her own, but I still have to fuss with her to hurry it up!! ! I am a patient person in general but I would be a liar if I said it never urks me to have to stand outside her bedroom door and keep saying hurry up day in and day out, I do understand where she is coming from because I am easily distracted, but as of late she has been worrying about fitting in, and having all her hair and clothes just right. I think girls in general have a much harder time then we did growing up, and add as and ocd in the mix it can get hard, but I have learned to let alot of anger go and I have learned alot about myself as well, so keep your head held high and look for the good in this experiance.